A message that I got from Gracie (my literotica pal) today made me start thinking about emotional baggage. Everything that we do, experience, see or hear affects us in some way. It carves something into us that we carry around with us forever. I don’t think we can ever smooth over those wounds-we can accept and learn to live with them, but I don’t think we can ever go back to the point where they didn’t exist.
My sister said that one point about ‘Secretary’ that she didn’t like was how it painted a picture that all people into D/s have suffered some sort of emotional trauma. I agree that not everyone has issues, but it certainly seems like a lot of people do. Thinking about myself, I’m not really sure. I do know however, that I was interested in ‘different’ things from an age where I couldn’t have had issues so I think that I am one of the exceptions.
My ex-hubby said that the only reason I was interested in D/s and bdsm was because I had been ‘over-protected’ and ‘coddled’ and wanted some ‘danger’ in my life. He also said that him learning that I was interested in such ‘sick’ things was like him learning that I had some sort of terminal illness. It’s all so bizarre. I still have those trippy moments when I can’t believe I’m really here. When I look out the windows at the back of the kitchen at work and see the burnt orange of the ranges and the piercingly beautiful blue sky, I think it’s beautiful but also so strange…’why am I seeing this out of the window?’
It’s been two weeks since I started work and it’s all going pretty smoothly. I’ve got my routine down pat and it all feels very comforting. Once my roster is fixed it will also give me some stability. After all, I am a routine and stability girl! I like predictability and knowing what will happen next. That is probably why Master unnerves me so much-I never know what he’s going to do!
Reading people is one of my specialities and generally I can gauge his feelings but occasionally I am at a loss. One thing that all of this has done to my personality is that I can’t stand to be let down and I hate it when people don’t do what they say they are going to do. That is also why I hate to disappoint and why when I know something is expected of me or that I have a responsibility to do something, it is at the forefront of my mind and often I can’t sleep. Is this the cause of my inability to sleep?
It seems like I’m doing the bdsm alphabet here so after ‘s’ for service comes ‘t’ for training. It’s a word that pops up everywhere and that I never really understood, but at some stage I must of had a moment of clarity because I’m thinking that service and training are inter-related. My definition or understnading would be that service is the name for the actions that I do for Master. Being that everything I am is here to serve Master, everything that I do can be traced back until there is some seed of Master’s pleasure in it.
Training, on the other hand, is what I see as the mindset. The idea of position and role, obligations and duties, everything that is mentally and psychologically required to be a part of a D/s relationship. A lot of people would also put physical ‘conditioning’ under the umbrella of training, but I believe it is different.
On another topic, everyone keeps asking me how Master and I are and how things are between us. I’m sometimes stuck for words -the relationship being the special one that it is- and also because of my lack of direct feedback from Master. I assume that if He was unhappy about me or what I did, I would know about it, but it is also nice to know that He is happy about what I do or the way things are between us. As I said before, I can’t predict Master yet. I don’t have the necessary history or information about Him to know how He will react in a given situation. I’m probably also at fault for not coming right out and asking Him. I’m notorious for never being direct about anything and also for being so self-effacing that it’s painful. But it’s the way that I am and one of the reasons why Master decided that a journal would be good for me.
I really do think that a Master’s journal would be good! I get so self-conscious about what I write in this journal. All my thoughts and feelings are laid out raw on these pages. I can’t even go back and read over what I wrote, it’s that embarassing for me. Two weeks and I’m getting better but still slowly.
I got my first translation work much quicker than I had expected. It is good money and necessary for us but I have so many bad memories connected with Japan that it saddens me to be doing it again. Being able to shut the door on that part of my life would give me closure and the feeling of being a ‘different person’. Not that I am at all different to the person that I was but in my mind, being somewhere whre no-one knows me and doing something that I have ‘never’ done before is very freeing.Being busy and the kind of work (basically manual labour) occupies my thoughts and lets me focus on what I want to. It’s not that I don’t want to do translationor get the money, but it’s just going to take me some mental adjustment.
It was interesting walking through town today.This place seems to have a sort of energy that I’ve never felt in my home town. I guess it’s just the weather and the number of tourists around, but where my home town was stagnant, this place is vibrant. The people are also much nicer. I haven’t come across a sour sales clerk or someone who doesn’t seem happy. It’s because there seems to be so many more younger people with few hang ups.
Answering the mail I got fom my literotica friend Gracie, I was thinking about service and being a ‘pleaser’ as Gracie puts it. Being a pleaser, being used and owned, being alive. When I go down on Master and He makes little noises or grunts or does anything where I know He is enjoying what I am doing, it just fills me with this feeling like I’m going to burst. And when He praises me and calls me His ‘good slut’ or something like that it has the same effect. It’s like that feeling you get when you love something so badly that you just want to eat it up so that it becomes a part of you.
One thing I also find incredibly stimulating is the difference between Master’s ‘vanilla touches’ and His ‘Dom touches’. An arm around the shoulder or on the legs is warm and reassuring, but when He touches my back, butt or neck it sends electricity running through me and I simply can’t move. The times He pulls on my collar are just mind-blowing.I have no words to describe the rush of emotion when He puts a hand to my collar.