Overcoming ego

“As long as the egoic mind is running your life, you cannot truly be at ease; you cannot be at peace or fulfilled except for brief intervals when you obtained what you wanted, when a craving has just been fulfilled. Since the ego is a derived sense of self, it needs to identify with external things. It needs to be fed constantly. The most common ego identifications have to do with possessions, the work you do, social status and recognition, knowledge and education, physical appearance, special abilities, relationships, personal and family history, belief system, and often also political, nationalistic, racial, religious and other collective identifications. None of these is you.”

My sister actually reminded me about this the other day when we were chatting and I thought I should look a little bit more into it. I’ve come to the conclusion that to be a ‘good’ sub you’ve got to overcome your ego. By ego I am referring to the sense of sense and individuality that sets you apart from others, as well as pride. I think there is a loss of self in the sense that everything I am belongs not to me, but to Master and so I become a ‘part’ of Master more so than my own separate individual self.

I had a discussion with bell from alt about it and her ideas were also very interesting:
‘i think submission is an interesting take on ego. i don’t know that we lose that sense of self, only that its a very different from what “society” expects us to feel as sense of self. i guess when owned we are no long a “separate” entity, our sense of self *comes* from losing our separateness and distinct self .. in some ways, but in other that giving up IS our self’

By giving up our ‘ego’ we truly become who we are.

Freud said that ego=fear and the opposite of fear is love. So theoretically by embracing love we can overcome ego. So many subs talk about falling in love with their Doms and perhaps this is why. By losing our egos we are naturally filled with love….If only there were more subs in the world 🙂

Truckies

It’s been a very long hard day and I’m very tired but I’m also very happy. I had a great time at the truckie’s reunion tonight. All I was doing was walking around with drinks and platters of food but I felt so useful and grovelly. It was really fun! After it finished we went back to the novatel to wash and polish glasses and I helped myself to a couple of drinks from the bar-I don’t think I’ve ever drunk so much in my life on a regular basis before than I have these past couple of weeks…I definitely need more mixers and a wider selection of alcohol! I noticed the addition of tia maria and vodka to O/our ‘bar fridge’. I think Master enjoys to see me tipsy and completely over-tired like I was last night. Only having 3 1/2 hours of sleep and working 13 hour days is not good but I just can’t come home from work and go straight to bed-I need a little unwinding time! I get the giggles and start slurring words and it is very amusing.

I thought I’d wear a skirt to the truckie thing- we could wear anything as long as it was black- but I’d forgotten that I had no black pantyhose, black stockings, yes, black pantyhose, no. So I whipped out my garter belt and everything was good! So on top of feeling all useful and grovelly I was also feeling a little bit more sexy than usual. I love wearing heels because of the way they make me feel but I just can’t cope with the pain afterwards.In Japan we had to wear heels all the time at work and I’d come home at night barely able to walk. I’d get up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and not be able to stand up! (I’d better not let this get around or someone might think that I don’t like pain.)

It’s interesting how the clothes you wear (or lack of clothes!) make you feel so completely different. I’m still not comfortable at all with nothing on- I feel so self-conscious and incredibly vulnerable. Having nothing to hide behind is a very sobering experience!

Tossing and turning

I didn’t sleep well last night for a couple of reasons-one, was I seem to have had an allergic reaction from the sugaring and have a very uncomfortable burning sensation accompanied by a lovely fiery red rash (although why I would I have no idea) so I’ve been putting shea butter on it and hoping for the best, and two, because I don’t sleep well alone!
It concerns me deeply that Master has such unusual sleeping patterns-first and foremost because it is not healthy-it weakens the immune system when the body doesn’t have a regular sleeping pattern (and longer sleeping times!) and secondly because I miss out on so much contact with Him. It’s not about sex, it’s about being able to snuggle and feel His warmth and listen to the sound of His breathing. Knowing that He is there together with me in O/our space gives me a feeling of comfort and security. I generally wake up very sad and empty knowing that He hadn’t come to bed. But as I said previously, more than anything it worries me.

I guess it must be hard on Master too though. Considering that He had slept alone for a least 18months before I arrived and had formed His own little routines and things (I seem to remember a conversation we had about Him sleeping on the couch near the end of His relationship..)I always used to love to sleep alone and was always so happy when Takuya fell asleep on the floor (that was our lounge!). I never used to wake him because firstly I didn’t want him to come to bed and secondly because I hated it that he didn’t have self-discipline. I really can’t understand how someone can fall asleep on the floor or somewhere else..I mean you know when you are getting sleepy! If I do go to sleep on the lounge it is always because I want to-not because I fell asleep. If I really want to sleep, I’ll go to bed. It was another thing that made me lose respect for him-a lack of self-discipline in my eyes. I guess in a sense it shows how I like routine and for things to be as they should be-bed is for sleeping, lounge is for sitting and watching tv etc.
God that makes me sound anal!

It’s daffodil day today and I always make it a point to buy something. There is so much cancer around.. Speaking of which I’ve really got to get into the habit of checking my breasts more often. My scar is fading and I’ve had nothing in the couple of years since but I was told that I was a high risk case. Although the internet destiny check I did a while ago mentioned that I was going to poison myself and that was how I was going to die! Sounds like a typical blonde thing to do-“Gee I wonder what this liquid in this bottle with the child-safety cap is. Let’s have a sip and find out.”

Pussy scratchings

Lying in bed this morning at 2.am I was thinking a lot of things. I’d had a chat the night before about not feeling ‘slavish’ (which really does sound like a nationality in some obscure part of Russia). She had assured me that it was normal not to really feel submissive all the time and had cautioned me not to cut myself up about it-not that I had been cutting myself up about it.

I was feeling really angry, not the sharp ‘I want to hit somebody’ anger but the ‘somebody’s going to pay’ slow burn. A lot of it was about work and my total lack of hope for my position improving in the future, but there were also some issues that I was working through in my head about my slavery that had been churned up by a particular conversation I had had with my sister on Sunday afternoon.
She had asked about money and our financial situation. It’s probably one of the hardest things that I have had to come to terms with. I have a huge fixation on money and have never really been in a position where I haven’t had access to it in one form or another. All those years in Japan paying the bills and ‘handing out’ the pocket money…I liked that control and knowing what was going on. I love to count money and smell it and play with it…perhaps I should of been a bank teller. But then again, plastic money just doesn’t smell like real money!

My sister passed the comment “I thought you wanted to be taken care of and not to have to worry about all that shit again…” Which, I guess was true in a sense. I had said to her that I wanted to be taken care of, but I meant it in an emotional and psychological sense. She was assuming that all I wanted was not to work and to stay at home being the slave. My ex-hubby had changed jobs so many times, always looking for something that didn’t involved the ‘three k’s’, as they call them in Japan, or the ‘three d’s’ in English: dirt cheap, dirty, dangerous..i.e a non-existent job! I had had to continue teaching English all the time we were together although I hated it so much because we needed a steady income and I never knew when he was going to come home and say he’d quit his job. I guess I’m just a girl who likes a bit of security at heart. I don’t like work but I think it is a necessary evil. It is in many ways an outlet for me and somewhere where I can be ‘unslavish’ so that when I come home I can enjoy slipping back into the role. So in a nutshell, this money frustration and the thought that I was in the similar situation again mutated into that ‘slow burn’.

At 2a.m I counted to 10, took a deep breath and decided that I was being silly again. I was so tempted to roll over and snuggle up to Master as my way of an ‘apology’ but I didn’t. It just seemed really weak.(I hate it when I have principles!

Moody monday

I’ve guess I’ve always had people walk over me and take advantage of me. I’m the sort of person who still keeps working even when the boss isn’t looking and who stays until the job is done. I’ve always felt that if something has to be done you might as well do it well. I get a strange sort of pride from it and I hate to think that someone was inconvenienced by something I did or did not do. So at work everything is left because I will do it. Nothing annoys me more.

Things in Japan were so prescribed. Wwe could never yawn, we had special ways of standing and holding our hands, we could never walk in or out of the hotel with our coats on even in the dead of winter when there were two feet of snow on the ground-we had to put them on and take them off out of view of guests! We had no dishwasher or vacuum cleaner. We’d have meetings with 200 people and I’d have to wash and dry the dishes by hand and then clean the floor with a roller that had sticky tape on it! Primitive is not quite the word-it’s more like they were having fun humiliating us (Although looking back I think it was good training to be a submissive!)Compared to that the Novatel is still okay.

So what was I pondering you may ask…I was thinking back to my expectations, thinking of my slavery and whether it was really what I wanted, thinking about whether O/our relationship is really going to work long-term…all sorts of sticky things. More than anything my decision to come to the Alice was based on my search for happiness. I didn’t know whether this would make me happy or not but I knew that the only way to find out was to come here and try it out. My greatest shortcoming is impatience…I want everything now and if I can’t get it now I tend to give up wanting it and move on to the next thing I think I can get my hot little paws on. I’ve been here a little over a month…what’s a month? what have I learned in a month? what have I done? I guess I’m just so worried about making another mistake. The last one cost me a good 10 years of my life…not that I should be regretting what it was, but admitting it was a mistake is a good and important thing.

Sundaes and banana splits

Anal is one of my favourite topics, obviously because it pops up as often as whipping and caning does-I was discussing it in alt.com and we decided that once you get a ‘taste’ for it vaginal sex alone just doesn’t seem to cut it anymore! Bizarre….the power of the mind.
I honestly and truly cannot see what turns people off. But as Master so correctly pointed out, it really does depend on how you do it.

I had a chat with Tania today about a variety of things which were food for thought. She’s so judgmental about things, which I thank her for in some respects because she is trying to take my side and protect me. One particular thing that she asked was “How does your master feel about you busting your arse at work?” So we had a little discussion about service and me not making judgements on Master’s decisions or behaviour. She’s still grappling so hard with the concepts. Are they really that hard to understand? Is it just my personality and my characteristic of going along with things as long as they are not so far removed from logic to be dangerous that make it relatively easy for me?
My job, on the other hand, was something that I chose and if I wanted to I could leave at the drop of a hat.Master allowed me to make the decision about my work and I believe He would support any decision I made about my career-within reason of course. So ‘busting my arse’ is basically by my design.

Butt they’re pictures!

Well, I can definitely say that having pictures of one’s butt taken and posted on your profile is an experience. For a couple of days it made me cringe everytime I opened alt. but now I’ve got this bizarre pride thing happening. There is definitely a bit of disassociation occuring because when I look at the pictures or at my butt in the mirror it really does not feel like I’m looking at myself. It’s like I’m looking at someone else’s butt. Perhaps that reaction helps me deal with it in a strange kind of way. There’s still a sliver of vanilla that screams at me every now and then ‘He beat you and bruised you and you’re deliriously happy about it???’ There’s still conflicting thoughts in my mind, which is understandable of course. It’s only been a month-there’s a hell of a lot of conditioning to reprogram!

A lot of people have been viewing my picture on alt and I’ve had a lot of compliments. At first I didn’t know how to react and it bothered me that complete strangers were looking at my butt but I was over that in a couple of days.
And it is so interesting that it looks so bad but is not painful at all. I have so little tolerance of pain in other situations-I stub my toe and I’m bitching and moaning about it for days!But loosing this pain was a little saddening. It was nice to have a constant ache when I walked or moved to remind me that I was owned and belonged to Master. Not that I forget for one moment what I am, but it is nice to have these tangible reminders in the vanilla world.

Dominatrix

One of my favourite series of books is by Terry Goodkind, and the first in the series ‘A Wizard’s First Rule’ centers on Richard, the protagonist, who gets captured by Denna, a Mord Sith, who is what we would call a Domme. She captures his magic and then proceeds to train him in order to make him pliable to answer questions. She puts a collar on him and walks around with his leash attached to her belt and he’s got to have to correct amount of slack in the chain. She calls him ‘pet’ and he calls her ‘Mistress Denna’. She hangs him up from the ceiling and ‘beats’ him senseless with a rod called an agiel that directly stimulates his nerve endings. The agiel hurts her the whole time that he uses it on him because it was the same one that was used to train her. In the end she fails to break him and he kills her in order to get release.

I’ve read that particular part of the book so many times I can almost recite it. I loved it before I even knew how it mirrored bdsm in so many ways. The interesting thing is that even though he seems to be helpless and completely dependent on her whims, he is still calling the shots. Men as the providers and woman as the receivers in both sexual and non-sexual senses is how things are whether we like it or not-physically that is how we are born. No matter how in control a woman can be of a man she still needs to be ‘provided’ with sex and to all intents and purposes loses control at that point. That is why I don’t think women are naturally dominant.

I wonder how things will go next year and whether it really will go ahead. These things have a terrible habit of falling through at the last moment especially when everyone has so far to come and considerable sums of money are involved. Still it would be wonderful to put faces to names.

I think I’m going to have to get an ‘O’ dress…they are way too erotic .

The countdown

Well, last day of my 2 days off and I’m starting down the countdown to the end…9hrs and counting until Friday. I’ve spent most of the last two days in this bizarre little haze-a mixture of too much sleep and post-whipping/caning bliss. Actually I’ve also got this other strange feeling that I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s like some amazing need or craving for something. I feel so tightly wound up. The more I think about it the more I think I have this need to cum. I have been unhealthily horny ever since the events of Tuesday night and everytime I feel a twinge of pain from my butt it reminds me and I get wet again. Sitting here doing my translation I also have these flashes of things completely unrelated that make me lose concentration. Images from the other night, images of Master using me. All sorts of delicious things flitting across my brain….Now I’m definitely getting all hot and bothered and losing my focus!

One thing that has concerned me a little is something that happens on occasion and most recently yesterday morning. I sometimes ‘pre-empt’ sex, not because I want it (which I do 24/7!) but because I think it pleases Master when I go down on him. It kind of seems like I’m topping from the bottom when I initiate things and that is what has concerned me, but perhaps my motivation saves the day??
Anyway, I know that Master would say something or stop me if He wasn’t pleased but no matter what I’ll still get that slightly guilty feeling of doing something ‘wrong’.

I’ve been thinking about asking Master to take a picture of my butt bruises for prosperity, but also to show off to my subby friends! They’re probably going to say “That’s what you call a caning??” so that is what makes me hesitate-not so much that I don’t want to, it’s just my competitive nature!

‘o’ boy!

I woke up this morning and decided to take an exploratory look in the mirror at my butt. I have to say it was shocking-it looks much worse than it feels. I’d read somewhere that kneeling over to have a whipping or a caning is one of the most ‘delicious’ positions because your butt is forced out and the muscles are stretched meaning that there’s not so much direct cushioning! I’m assuming that’s true. I’m so proud of my bruises and there is some broken skin and welts too. It’s interesting how different toys mark in different ways. A lot of people say that they love the cane and only the cane and that nothing else really does it for them anymore. I guess that is understandable because it is a pain quite unlike any other.

I didn’t talk much about “The Story of O” so perhaps I should say a few things about it. I liked it-well most of it anyway-other than the moments where O wasn’t acting very slavish and was a petulant brat who needed a whipping…lol. It is amazing to think that it was written by a woman-actually, no, I take that back, it very much focused on the love that grows between a slave and her Master and that is a very female point of view.
I loved the O dresses, the daily whippings and O being chained up in bed. One scene that I also liked was when there was a girl sitting down by the fire and two men in the room. One of the men just put down the book he was reading and called the girl over and just used her. It was a very simple, primal scene and one that I think is very erotic.
I think I was discussing being bound in bed with someone in alt one day. It is a very sexy thing-so primal and just dripping with ownership and objectivity.

It was funny once because I used to tie myself up in bed sometimes when I was sick and staying home from school. It used to make me feel better for some unknown reason! I remember once that my mum came home to check on me and I heard the car pull up but couldn’t quite get myself out fast enough so I just lay there under the doona praying that she wouldn’t find out. I was in primary school-probably 10 or 11…how does a girl explain something like that??!!

The official ‘o’ day

Tuesday the 16th August is from now on going to be called ‘O Day’. A fairly important day in my life as a slave and one that I’ll probably look back on and smile about. It was really the first day that Master left lasting marks on me and really ‘hurt’ me. It’s a very bizarre feeling and difficult to describe-but this time I think I discovered what I like about being whipped or caned or hurt and even for that matter being a slave. It’s all the same and just has different layers of intensity.

When I think back to that time when I was kneeling naked on the couch I’m looking at myself objectively, outside me, looking at me through the eyes of an observer. Because that moment that Master swings His arm is when I get ‘permission’ to escape to leave reality for a time. When the pain is so intense it’s white and I’m trying to control the pain before it overwhelms me, that is when I have an excuse to forget everything and focus solely on the pain and the One who is bestowing it upon me,

I was so amazed and grateful to Master for knowing and reading me so well. He seemed to sense when I was near the end of my endurance. I could not of taken much more at all- not even a little more in fact. I guess more than anything I was unprepared. I didn’t really know what to expect and I know that on the scale of tings Master really wasn’t hitting me ‘that’ hard-or should I say ‘as hard as He could of’.

Thinking back over this makes me sleepy. I keep closing my eyes and floating back to the moment. It was a little similar to how I felt after the whipping- it was like I was waking up after a long sleep. I felt fuzzy and hazy and a bit ‘muffled’-like I needed to shake my head and clear my thoughts. That instant when the cane hit my butt there was a piercing moment of clarity and then when it was over that warm, woolly blanket of fuzz. It’s so difficult to describe and I’m sure that what each person feels is different too. The lingering feeling that I had when it was over was “My God that will happen again??” but later on I just wanted, craved more and more. Strange the power of the mind.

Grumpy old men and their particular ways

After asking for some topics on alt.com I’ve decided to not touch on ‘Grumpy old men and their particular ways’ as suggested by some or ‘The art of making coffee’ as suggested by others and go for my own topic (which is probably a good thing!)

I’ve been thinking about what I’d like to do on my days off-well translation work is at the bottom of my list but it will have to be done. Sleep is looking pretty good, but then half the day is over. I think more than anything I just want to walk through town and see what is here and then go up to the top of the lookout and look at it from above. Very boring and non-exciting but fairly essential for a new girl in town. But I’m thinking that I’m going to need all the time I can get to finish the translation so this week may be that and only that.

I’m not really a social person and needing to go out all the time or anything but I decided that when I moved here I would try to change myself in a positive way-make more friends, talk to more people and more than anything stop being shy. I guess coming here was a chance to start afresh, to be whoever I wanted to be in the vanilla world and to be able to do it because I had the strength in my foundation of slavery.

It’s fun to come to a new place because no-one has preconceived images of you and you can create yourself in any image that you wish. I’m still working on who I want to be ultimately but I know that I’ll figure it out someday.

Insecurity

Okay, now this is a pretty major topic for me-insecurity. There. I’ve said it. I’m completely and utterly lacking confidence in my role as a slave. This is not a very promising start to a journal entry but it’s one of my hang ups and I’ve got to talk about it at some stage.
I think one of my problems is Master. He is so well-known and respected and has subs fawning around His feet( I know for a fact that if He wasn’t living here, He’d have 50 million playmates!)I have this whole inferiority complex about being His slave-no, it’s not inferiority, it inadequacy. I have a bad case of the “I am not worthy’ bug. It was touched on a little bit in alt one night. Someone asked me why Master chose me-or should I say, why I thought He chose me. Not that ‘chose’ is exactly the right word, perhaps “accepted” me is better. I couldn’t really answer the question and ignored it eventually but I did mull over it a lot. Master always said I had a good attitude-that I knew my role and my place, but that hardly sets me apart from any of the millions fo subs still out there. There are plenty of other sibs who are probably more submissive in many ways and have a lot more ‘skills’. I’m so inexperienced and prudey and not beautiful or small and frail (which is how I think an ideal sub should be). So the question remains why. I know we are very similar in our ideas and thoughts, our beliefs in things vanilla and otherwise are uncannily similar. But that still is not enough to justify His acceptance.

They say that most people look for something they are not in a partner. They look for people who can expand their world and teach them things they didn’t know before. For myself that is certainly something that I was attracted to in Master. I felt he had knowledge, skills and strengths that I lacked and I was hoping to receive some of them. Thinking about this I really have nothing to offer Him except my service. There is nothing I can offer Him except myself and my service, but is that enough to satisfy Him? So this brings me back to my question of why me. Perhaps one of these days I will work up the courage to ask Him and steel myself for the answer. I know He will not lie to me, even to protect me from something I don’t want to hear so I’ll need to prepare myself I think.

Resistance is futile

I think my boss sees in me someone who is going to give him the least resistance and that is why he picks on me. The scary thing about me is that I take it! This is why I have been having second thought about me being an alpha sub. I have a terrible feeling that when in the position I would probably submit to all and everyone whether I was directed to or not! I really don’t know whether I could top another sub.

At school I was pretty much a ‘don’t give me any shit’ type, a bit of a schoolyard boss. The roles I played in drama were not soft and submissive-I was the leader of the bikie gang, the evangelistic minister with the gift of the gab, the wicked queen who poisoned sleeping beauty! (interesting how I remember all these things now!) But then again drama was acting, it was my fantasy world and D/s and my slavery is my real word and in it I am so much more alive than in any role on the stage. The fantasies I have as a slave could be made to come true- they are things I want to do or have done to me and while I don’t want to be a bikie gang leader for the rest of my life I think I very much want to be owned for the rest of my days.

I guess this question about me being an alpha sub or not is related to next year and whether we hold the kinky even that Master has been talking about. I have a few queasy thoughts about what will be expected of me and whether I can make Master proud to be my owner etc. God, I’m just this tight little bundle of worries still! Even after a month I still feel totally insecure in my commitment and abilities. It’s so depressing that I don’t feel more confident about myself.

Hot and cold

Thinking back over what happened last night (of which I was subtly reminded this morning when I was riding my bike to work), I realized that there were a couple of things that stood out. One moment in particular was when I heard the ‘jingle jangle’ of Master’s belt! For a moment there I thought He was going to use it on me. Never did it occur to me that He was going to use me. It was the first time that I’ve ever been tied up and fucked. At the time my mind was a total blank-well, not actually blank because I was anticipating being hit with His belt, but when He started to fuck me, everything just went blank. I could not of even told you my name! Afterwards I had such an intense feeling of objectification. That I was just a thing, a receptacle to be used for Master’s whims.

And on a completely different topic….I remember what I said to my family when I was discussing why I broke up with my husband. I said that for all the years we were together it was just me constantly giving and never getting anything back-that I was drained from being the ‘provider’. It was not like he never gave me anything-he gave me lots of presents, organized trips to places I’d never been to just so I could say I’d been there when he’d already been there 50 million times. He was kind to me in that sense but I never felt a connection on a deeper level and I thought that I’d be able to live with that. I’m not exactly sure what I wanted to receive in return for my ‘giving’ , but I felt I was missing out on ‘something’. So what concerns me about all of this is that I didn’t feel fulfilled from giving all that I have to give, which is what I am seeking to do as a slave now. As a given, a slave is not really supposed to have a need for self, for receiving anything in exchange for their service but my need for something from my husband was a very large, not the only, but a large contributing factor as to why I was unhappy in our marriage. Perhaps it was that we had no ‘dynamics’ underlying our relationship that was different, but I’m not sure. I wonder if I will continue to be satisfied by my enjoyment of ‘giving’ or whether I will reach a point where I feel that I have ‘given enough’ as I did during my marriage. I guess one thing I am worried about is how I was described by a friend in Japan. She said that I was “atsukunariyasukute, sameyasui” which literally translates as someone who gets hot and cold as equally as fast-meaning that what I like and what I enjoy changes at the drop of a hat.

I wonder how well she knew me…..

Addicted to…

I spent the day in a euphoric haze because I had a feeling that today was going to be ‘the day’. There was a whipping in the air, so I waited and walked around with a little (i.e. huge and beaming!) smile on my face knowing what was going to come. It is the funniest thing though because although I’d strip in a second if Master told me He was going to whip me, there’s a whole stomach-churning panic that accompanies the excitement of knowing I’m going to receive a whipping. Standing in the kitchen doing the dishes while Master ‘prepared’ the room I could barely breathe. Even now writing about it sends waves of sensation through me. It’s not a fear or worry about what is to come, it is a worry about myself -that I may do something wrong or displease Master or something. I have absolutely no worries about what Master will do to me-and even if I did it would be fairly futile considering that He can do anything at all He would like to me. I wonder if Master speculates while he is playing- if I do this, what will she do? What will her reaction be?” Something to ask Master about perhaps, but then again, perhaps it’s secret Dom business!

Anyway, so Master tied my arms and legs a little higher than last time. I think it was so that my circulation wouldn’t be so affected when I pulled. I like pulling for the simple fact that the rope becomes tighter (lol..) and because it reminds me that I can’t just sit up and walk out the door! No matter what sort of uncomfortable position or pain I had put myself in before, I always knew that in an instant I could be free-so it really was a suspension of belief. Knowing that I can’t get away now is just so amazingly erotic.

So thinking about the feelings I had during my whipping I realized that It all seems to fly by in an instant and I don’t really ‘think’ anything at all during the time. It’s only later when I start to think about what happened that I have a very bizarre “OMG, what just happened??’ sort of feeling. I have a very strong feeling that it’s not so much a lack of feeling as it is an overload of sensation that my brain is trying to filter. I’m not actually sure that my whipping was a good thing after all because rather than giving me some sort of relief I actually have this overwhelming craving for more.

I wonder if there is such a thing as a whipping addiction??

Spotting a submissive

(This is a very old blog and now I’m much older and wiser. You should really read this blog to see how I feel about this topic now.)

How does one spot a submissive? I don’t think you can tell by looks alone, but there are certain characteristics that I think are common to subs and when I think about why I like being a submissive many of the characteristics come to mind:

1. Femininity- this includes dressing like a woman-lots of skirts and lace and pastels and white. It’s about dressing like a woman and being pleasing in appearance. This is at the heart of all subs and even though they may dress in lots of black and leather (^V^) there is always a girl in a pink dress inside screaming to come out.

2. Vulnerability- a lot of women like to show their muscle and prove that they can do it just as well as the men, but the ‘damsel in distress’ routine attracts more men than anything. Women who are small, weak and look like they need protecting are just crying out “I’m a sub, take care of me!”

3. Obedience- subs are inherently obedient and will sacrifice anything to get what is asked of them done. They do what they are told with little fuss and often without question. Although they may be screaming ‘why the hell am I doing this?’ inside, on the outside they will be a picture of calm.

4. Open to suggestion- this is also sometimes described as ‘being easily lead’. It differs from obedience in that their ideas, thoughts or wishes/needs can be easily influenced and often changes by external information. On one hand, this means that they are flexible and adaptable, but on the other hand it means they are easily tricked and taken advantage of

5. Lacking confidence- subs by nature are very insecure, easily hurt individuals. They have issues with their lives, finding them meaningless or unsatisfying but they often lack the courage to improve their situations. Subs thrive on praise or affirmations that their decisions were good, what they did was the ‘right’ things. It is that mental support that they thrive on. Some people describe a dom as a crutch for the sub and although the imagery is not the best, it is probably a very accurate description.

6. The desire to please through submission- this is where I feel that the difference between a sub and a slave arises. A sub loves the pleasure the dom gets from their submission, but a slave simply loves pleasing in any state or form. Service, or doing things for the dom is the greatest source of pleasure, while serving others is a minor source of pleasure.