A new boi

Makes me sound like some kind of Domme, don’t you think?

A guy called has been sending me mail on collarme. He’s a postgrad student living in Perth and just finding out about D/s and bdsm. I’m not sure what prompted him to contact me..probably my photo more than anything else, but he’s very unsure about what he needs and the lifestyle and everything and I see so much of myself several months ago in him.
Responding to his questions has helped me understand myself a little better too.

He says he’s a switch with stronger sub tendencies but I think he knows much less about everything than I did when I first started. I knew so strongly what I needed and wanted but didn’t know that there was a way to live that kind of life. I laugh about it and call it my epiphany…but it really was a life-changing discovery.

So I thought I’d copy some of our discussions into my journal:

Sept. 27th
Hi Kitty

Thankyou for sending another message, I thought you might think I was rude or pushy.

As I said I am new and exploring. Have always found both image and idea of a dominant woman extremely sensual and arousing, but have never met anyone who was – its outside the usual socialisation of women in society I guess. Plus I have had fantasies of being a sex slave to a woman/women going back into early adolescence (maybe all people have these don’t know), which I think is a bit of a sign.

How did you become interested? If you’ve been a slave for two months, were submissive prior to that or did you meet someone who made it all click?

Thank you for sharing so much about yourself.

My story is paradoxically simple and complicated at the same time!
I had been into self-bondage for years and years and like yourself had fantasies since I was in primary school!

I was in a perfectly vanilla relationship for 10 years, married for 3 of those, and desperately unhappy. I’d never had an orgasm and assumed that the reason I hated sex was some problem on my part. I knew about bdsm but didn’t know anything about D/s and it never really dawned on me that that was was I was needing.

I guess I just got information from the net and the lifestyle described in there was so attractive to me that I knew I couldn’t live without it. I joined collarme and alt com and thought about having some play on the side of my marriage.

But then I met an interesting man on alt. and we clicked…in a big way! I decided to divorce, come back to Australia and be His slave. I’d never, ever done anything like it before so it was a huge leap of faith. And that is where I am now..living as a collared slave in a 24/7 tpe relationship. Complicated…but simple, wasn’t it?

Reading your message Chris, I was wondering if you have discovered what you really need. What do you believe the difference to be between bottoms, subs and slaves?

Your question gets to the heart of it. I’m not sure what I want and I’m not sure what the difference is. I have thought of visiting a professional domme, but my budget (I’m a post-grad student) doesn’t really allow it, but also the idea of some stranger playing out some role doesn’t really do it for me – I don’t really need to be told i’ve been a naughty boy.

I have only been a few relationships, I grew up in the country and always felt different, didn’t feel very attractive and all that. None of the relationships have been satisfying, and I have felt there have been something missing. Although I like sex, and love bring women to orgasm, I find it difficult to cum myself. In a past relationship my partner would tell fantasies that would involve D/S types senarios and this would help, however my current partner is nervous about sex, doesn’t like to talk about it, and generally when I come I have some fantasy in mind.

I have been on a number of sites, to look at material and find out more about D/S – ideas for fantasies – but also that I might meet someone – however its only been in the last few days that I actually tried to contact anyone.

Not sure really what I’m looking for, my partner and I have an agreement that we are both free to explore outside the relationship, but I do think what I’m looking for is a deeper commitment – the question is finding a person that that can be made to and would be willing to recipricate and would desire to be in such a relationship with me.

The reason I asked my question was that I believed your answer would tell me a lot about your current state of mind…
And btw, I guess most guys don’t need to be told that they’ve been a ‘naughty boy’…lol

There are a million different definitions for bottom, sub and slave but the ones that I go by are:
1. A bottom enjoys submitting to certain acts-they often have fetishes and will only ‘submit’ when the scene involves them doing what they want to do
2.A sub enjoys being submissive in all areas of sex and in their lifestyle. They will do anything that does not infringe on their limits
3.A slave is a pleaser. They enjoy serving and their motivation is to appease or please their Master/Mistress. A slave is property and everything they are and own belongs to their owner. A slave has no rights. A slave’s limits are generally the same as their Master/Mistress and they do not have or need safewords.

I was also thinking about your comment about switching. I don’t have a dominant bone in me but when I was married I had a great resentment towards my husband because he couldn’t provide me with what I needed and it manifested into a subtle type of domination. He was a very submissive man and the idea of him trying to ‘please’ me in the bedroom and outside felt so wrong to me. Perhaps this is what you were experiencing??

Alarm clocks and kitten and warm woollen mittens

brown paper packages wrapped up with string..these are a few of my favourite things. But it really does depend on the ‘type’ of alarm clock!

There is just something amazingly erotic about being woken, used, smacked and sent off to work. I was still buzzing around when I arrived at work and my co-worker goes to me, “You look different this morning.” So I said, “Yeah, I got woken up in an interesting way.” Talk about funny. I spent the rest of the morning going through each delicious moment in my head and smiling like an idiot.

It had been one of my fantasies for a while. I think because it is pretty close to ‘pure’ sexual service. There is probably a little objectification thrown in there too for good measure. Something about being used ‘whenever’ is so yummy that it makes the “Do you want to have sex?….Yeah, ok” conversations of the vanilla world seem rather amusing.

I’ve been sleeping chained to the bed every night for a while now. It sends these lovely little waves of contentment through me. Especially when Master stays up while I sleep, it instills me with a feeling of being owned and that He is ‘taking care’ of His property. I sleep deeply and very happily. In fact, it makes me want to go to bed earlier 🙂

Work, work and more work

And the sabbath is a day for translation work. It’s a good thing that I’m not easily bored or I would be pretty over things by now!

Well, at least I got the big translation project I had to do completed. It’s been at the back of my mind for the last couple of weeks and I should hopefully sleep in peace. I know I will sleep much better after I actually check it and send it in… That moment is such a sweet release (*v*)

It’s interesting how the non-vanilla in my life gives me enough strength(??? not quite the word but near enough!) to survive the vanilla. Without that boysenberry ripple things in the vanilla world for me would be pretty bleak…

I guess most people would think that being bruised and battered would make me tired or sore or whatever for my ‘day job’ but actually it has the opposite effect. I feel much more energetic and alive when I’ve got some pretty marks to admire or I haven’t had much sleep. etc.
Bizarre but true…

Back on the chain gang

Lots and lots to write about so where do I start….Hmmmm….Lots of delicious and yummy things to recall…

First, I was feeling fairly stressed and I’m sure it was mostly due to work. Learning that I was going to have another month in the restaurant was a pretty sobering thought..and with school holidays coming up and no-one to help me in the mornings, it’s shaping up to look like a bad month. So in response to my stress Master made an intriguing comment along the lines of ‘Well, have to do something about that!’ And do something He did…

I’m not exactly sure what it is about feeling His hand around my neck squeezing. It’s definitely a rush and along with the slight rising sense of panic there is a calmness. It’s another situation where the lack of control lets me focus on one thing and one thing only. It’s incredibly freeing and such a buzz. It’s another situation where my knees just turn to jelly and I lose all comprehension of anything else.
I feel an amazing sense of trust though, I know without a doubt that Master will not hurt me. That’s why when I say that there is a ‘rising sense of panic’, it’s just my body’s natural mechanisms kicking in and not a concious sense of fear.

After some nice slightly-rougher than usual sex I got a lovely surprise. Master tied me to the bed! What was very cool about it was the fact that He had the rope leading away from wrists under His pillow. That gave me a lovely sense of being owned. I think it was the longest I’d ever been tied up for. My previous max had probably been 2 or 3 hours. It’s interesting not being able to really move or change positions. I’m generally someone who moves this way and that and spends more time tossing and turning than sleeping. But I slept really well and really deeply…I only woke up when I wanted to pull up the doona (there’s nothing like pulling it up with your teeth) and when my shoulder needed a stretch.
It was very mind-blowing and made me feel incredibly happy and relaxed inside.

I’d never really had a fantasy about being ‘locked into bed’ until I read a story on castlerealm about it. There was one particular story about a slave who was chained to the bed by her ankle every morning while her master took a shower.There’s something so erotic in the idea.There are a lot of stories about slaves/subs who are chained by their collars in bed but the ankle is pretty rare. There’s only one thing I think about..how do they sleep with the rattle of chains???

A samurai or two

There’s something about Tom with a katana that is very sexy…if only I could stop looking at his big nose.
Ever since Top Gun and that sex scene with Kelly McGillis all I can look at is his nose. But isn’t there something that they say about men with big noses?

Watching ‘The Last Samurai’ for the second time I realized why the world thinks Japanese women are submissive. But then again that was 200 years ago. I think there have been some pretty serious changes since then! But it is interesting that men and women wear their kimono overlapping at the front in different directions. Gotta love easy access wear.

I have not been in a particularly motivated mood for the past couple of days..it must be time for a wax (sugaring!)That always gets me in ‘the mood’-there is definitely something about having nothing between you and the tangy 5:30a.m air.

Japan Top 10

Top 10 Hate List

10. Men peeing, spitting, coughing up loogies onto the street anywhere, anytime of day.

9. Waiting in a line…..to go to the toilet, to get on the train, to get off the train, to buy anything, to get a seat in a restaurant, (3 hrs for conveyor belt sushi!!!)

8. Food that moved.

7. Super thin walls, ceilings, floors in apartments.

6. The cold!

5. Earthquakes…especially those ones that wake you up

4. Work ethics…no life is a good life in a Japanese company

3. Tiny women’s clothing..how come I’m a size 10 in Australia and “Queen size” in Japan???

2. The price of everything

1. The ugliness

Top 10 Like List

10. Foreigners are cool and generally get treated well.

9. The safety-walk anywhere by yourself at anytime of day or night.

8. Convenience stores on every corner.

7. Vending machines that sell everything-from porno videos and used undies to instant noodles and canned coffee.

6. The variety of cheap alcohol available.

5. Customer service-being on the receiving end is wonderful, giving it is totally draining.

4. Great food- fresh and superbly presented, 80,000 restaurants in Tokyo!

3. Funky food- the ‘should I really be eating this?’ kind of food…raw horse…octopus balls…the moss that grows on slimy rocks in the ocean re. ‘it’s fine if you wash it and put some soy sauce on it!’

2. Funky technology- bathrooms that talk…toilet seats that blowdry..mmmm…

1. Retail therapy capital of the world….need I say more?

Bondage hour or two or three

….or even more!

After being so needy for so long I finally did it..I popped the big question and made the request. I don’t think I’ve done something quite that hard for quite some time. There’s a great deal of difference between “Can I turn the light on?” and “Could you tie me up?” I actually surprised myself. It’s very interesting what a girl in need can do!

Being that one of my fantasies is being tied up while I sleep and that having to get up at 5a.m makes that extremely difficult, I was thinking that a little bondage during my power naps might be nice. So today I asked for it. I was looking everywhere but Master’s eyes, fiddling madly with anything in reach and broke out into a huge sweat! It is just so difficult to ask. It was lovely that Master praised me though. He said, ‘Well done for asking.’ He’s knows exactly how difficult it is for me. I’m not really sure what my hang-up about it is. I guess it’s a lot of embarrassment and not liking how I imagine Master to be thinking about me. Lots of bizarre remnants of vanilla life where anyone who needs to be tied up has got to have something wrong with them. Deep down I still want to be accepted and not seen as some freak.

Leg cuffs and hand cuffs and wrists tied to the bed. Quite a good combination…just uncomfortable enough to be satisfying but not ouchie hurties which would defeat the purpose of the power nap. It was fun and fulfilling. I really, really do like being tied up. I can think of no better way of spending an afternoon..or every afternoon! It’s not only the feeling of restriction and helplessness but it’s also about the marks that are left. There’s nothing like some rope and cuff marks on a girls wrists to make her all buzzy.

Bell in alt was talking about her fantasy of being kidnapped and raped. I think it’s probably the No.1 fantasy and it’s such a submissive idea. A nice mix of fear, humiliation and total lack of control. I’m not that much different. The kidnapping thing is definitely high on my list of fantasies, but I’m more of the ‘girl gets kidnapped and is transformed into devoted slave’ type.

So I was lying there on the bed too buzzy to be doing a lot of sleep and thinking ‘My god…He actually tied me up…Somebody actually tied me up…What I’ve been dreaming about and wanting like forever is actually happening.’ Master had tied me up before but it had never felt quite as real and it had never really sunk it. It really hit me in that moment and it made me want to cry in a very,very happy way.
Happiness is a transitory thing-it comes and goes on the wings of fate- but I certainly hope that it is here to stay.

Sex and piercings

It was a very quiet day-lots of zzzzzzs in the morning then chatting in alt all day. It was fun, but felt so unproductive.

Yesterday was my 2 month anniversary here. It’s very bizarre but it feels kind of normal-like I’ve been here forever, but in a good way. There’s a lot of the town that I haven’t seen and that, I think, is a good thing because when I do see it all then I will know the ‘limitations’..I’m generally more focused and a lot happier when I know what the goal is but can’t actually see it in front of me. It was the same as when we climbed to the top of the lookout last week…it was funny because when we reached the top there were Mormons there and they were trying to convert Master. Hilarious! But actually what was even funnier was what ran through my head as I looked out over town at night, I was thinking “Ah, so this is my prison.” I had a good old laugh about it to myself.

I’ve started watching ‘Sex in the City’ and I’m finding it really, really funny. It took me a while to get into it and work out the characters but now that I’m into it I think I’m hooked. I’m not sure why I’ve never really watched it before, I guess I just didn’t want to jump onto the bandwagon with everyone else..but now that it’s kind of ‘old’ I think I’m allowed.

I swear I am the only person at work without something pierced or something tattooed (is that an actual verb?)Not that I’m feeling left out or anything, I just find it amazing to find all these people concentrated into the same small space! Maybe it’s related to what I was saying about customer service..it’s run by subbies!

Morning sex

There’s something delicious about waking up and being used…it keeps me happy through the whole day. I think I definitely need a 9 to 5 job!

I woke up about 10a.m this morning and just lay there thinking about lots of things. The biggest thing I was thinking about was how incredibly horny I was! I was this close to asking Master to fuck me when I was saved! Maybe He could sense my need…I’m not sure whether it was all the ‘warming up’ I’d had in my head or not…more likely some expert handling from the ‘Masterly One’..but it was super intense. I was a nanomillimeter from cumming in a big way but I knew I hadn’t been given permission so I held on with white-knuckles!

It’s not a good thing this ‘incredibly horny 24/7’ thing…makes a girl say some very funny things at work and in alt but is bad for the nerves!

So, we’re off to the movies again tonight.I’ll have to think about something accessible to wear again!LOL….I’m beginning not to really care about what is on the screen at all! I could probably go and watch “Cricket Greats of the Last 50 Years”….no actually…I take that back. No cricket…Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

Escaping

A very apt subject as I always seem to be escaping from something…..subby ex-husbands, anal Japan, cricket…..
Always trying to better myself and always trying to find something better in what I escape to.

I was thinking today that having a bondage hour might be fun..although there is something embarassing about tying yourself up with other People present! I said that I needed a hobby so an hour of bondage a day might fill in an idle hour or so. I wonder if my ex-hubby ever did find my little bondage stash…I guess he’d only find it if he went through my stuff though- in particular my underwear drawer! One of these days the jingle-jangle of chains when he is rooting around for something will alert him!

There’s an interesting story about my bondage stash actually…I’d always used scarves and belts and things that were fairly inconspicuous but then one day just had this incredible need for something a bit more metallic and leathery. So I went off the 100yen shop-the haven for all poor bondage artists. I bought some lovely leather wrist bands with tight snap on closures, a couple of dog collars and leashes and some lengths of chain of varying weights…oh, and every good girl’s friend..D clips! It was a great collection! I learned after the first couple of times to always put the chain on the door and to keep the phone within arm’s reach (a girl can really hurt herself trying to run and get the phone in chains!)
I had such a stress buying the things though….fortunately I used my brains and didn’t buy them all in one go..I spread them out over several stores to avoid suspicion. But I could just feel myself going crimson standing in line to buy a dog collar and leash!

Who am I?

One interesting thing that came out of our discussion the other day was the fact that I had ‘surprised’ Master. I found it very interesting and quite surprising myself! It was when we were discussing tolerance and my ability to ‘take’ what Master bestows upon me. I guess I have been wondering about that a lot and because I have nothing to compare to I found it a really useful piece of feedback.

Then I was reading an interesting thread on collarme about what Doms do when their girls are ‘in the mood’ and try to ‘take things into their own hands’, which is a topic I have mentioned several times before. A lot said they would let her do what she wants and then ‘put her in her place’ while others said they wouldn’t allow it at all. I guess it just depends on how strict the Dom is and what sort of restrictions he wants to have in place. There was one particular Dom who made the comment that he would not allow her to do anything unless she begged for it and then it would depend on his mood. And he went on to say that slaves should have to ask/beg for everything because they have no rights to anything. I actually understood this comment really well because I’m always going on about how slaves have no rights and I believe that is one of the key differences between subs and slaves. I’m really in two minds about what I think about this though…In my little venting the other day I said that I needed to have my basic needs met without having to ask for them. Thinking back over that I’m feeling that I was a little precocious perhaps. It would be so terribly hard for me though to completely lose my autonomy. You read about some slaves who have to ask permission to go to the toilet or leave the room or sit on furniture etc. I find it incredibly difficult to ask, especially for help or things I want/need, for some reason-I wonder if it’s just my personality or what.

I guess why I’m doing all this pondering and soul-searching is that I know that I want to be a slave but deep inside wonder if I really am…not that I’m fighting against it, that the vanilla side of me is saying ‘hey, you’re still on my side!’ or anything but I guess I’m still searching for who or what I am. There are so many definitions of a slave in the lifestyle and one that I ave found to be succinct and simple is this one:

A Slave
“A person who is orientated towards relationships in which ultimate authority over all possible aspects of life are transferred to another, accepting the limits and conditions of that other person who holds and uses that authority”

I think it sums it up quite nicely..but then again who am I to say so??? I’m only a slave….

Facing the music

God, I don’t think I’ve ever not wanted to go home so strongly before in my life. I’d written so many ‘bad’ things in my journal and didn’t want to face the music, so to speak. While I was at work I’d completely kept everything out of my mind and was in my “F&B Zone” so it was really only during the ride home that I was panicking.

I guess it wasn’t that I’d written anything wrong-it was things as I saw them and my concerns and worries. Things I’d been thinking over and already had answers to in my own little way. (It sometimes surprises me when I get answers that differ from what I’ve already come up with!) It seems that I always tend to jump in and wrap everything up without giving those involved a chance. That was what my ex-hubby had protested so strongly to me. Here I was telling him that I needed D/s in my life for the first time ever and I’d already made up my mind that he could never Dom me without even giving him a chance. I tend to be a very quick judge of people and once burned can generally never forgive.

But anyway, it all turned out to be a great cartharsis. I’d been so stressed that I was, in a sense, “keeping things from” Master and His response to it all was comforting. Thinking back to my comments about Him being ‘non-communicative’, I think what concerns me the most about it was that I can’t read Him and so much of my motivation is based upon His pleasure. A girl just needs to know sometimes that she is doing a good job!

Rewards

Master kept asking me what my plans for the day were and how long I needed for my translation etc. etc. so I knew something was in the air. Normally, He never asks about things like that so I guessed that He had something in mind. So it turned out that it was my ‘reward’-for good behaviour I am assuming…He’d been saying that I was due for a reward for several days and I was waiting for it on my days off but it didn’t come. And then I was thinking that it might be on Friday because the boys would be here Sat and Sun…So, in fact, I was spot on!

Master had been in pain with His shoulder and back for several days and in that situation I would really prefer that didn’t give me any rewards… it only aggravates things and means I’ll be needed for more massages! He had been watching the cricket and playing poker and things and then suddenly it was “I think you should go and lie down”. He said afterwards that He hadn’t given me any warm up on purpose, but rather than the spur-of-the-moment, at-your-beck-and-call feeling I should’ve been getting it was more a case of me picking up on the “Ho, hum, let’s get this over with” vibes that I was getting from Master. He commented later that I hadn’t been very ‘tolerant’-meaning that I had been more vocal, more quickly than usual and that that’s His indication of when I’ve had enough. Well, that was news to me! I had wondered if He’d prefer me to be vocal…Obviously we need to discuss some things, what He wants from me, where He sees us going, if things are working out between us as He expected.I have no idea how He feels about us at all and it’s really playing on my mind.I always seem to get involved with these non-communicative men for some reason!

I also think I wasn’t very tolerant because I felt too much like He was doing it for my sake-servicing me, as the case may be. Master said He is not a true sadist in the sense that He doesn’t like to hurt people if He knows that they don’t want it or are not turned on by it. And I am not a masochist in that I don’t enjoy pain, I don’t want to inflict it upon myself etc. but I do enjoy ‘enduring’ it to please Master. So if Master is only doing it for me, it’s like ‘What’s the point??’ I know that He does enjoy the control and He said before that giving pain is part of the way He shows control, so He must enjoy it on some level. To what extent though I’m not sure. There is so much that I do not know and am unsure about. That’s why I really think we need to sit down and talk at some stage. I just find it so hard to discuss these things- to vocalize my wants and dissatisfactions.

One of my majors concerns has been our compatibility. I have a feeling that we both want different things. I want a relationship that is equal in a sense that we both contribute equal amounts to it and that we both work to make it be the best it can be. That is where respect is born. I need structure, routine and a constant affirmation of my slavery. I need to feel myself giving service and being of service in my belly. I need to be looked after in the sense that my basic needs are met, without having to ask for them, and I need to feel that He is interested in me as His ‘pet project’, interested in being the controlling factor of my life. I need lots of play and lots of bondage. More than anything I need bondage-without the security of it I am lost. It feeds a need in me and I crave it more than any other sort of play.

I need our vanilla life to be secure-bills paid, enough money to live on, housework/gardening done by whoever is available (mostly me but sometimes help is nice!)It’s not enough for me to just survive and live day to day…I need a life that we shape together and always try to improve.
I don’t want to have to ask for everything…we know our roles. If I need something or ask for permission, it’s ok to be turned down sometimes. If I always know that I will get what I ask for, I feel no submission.

It actually feels good getting this all down in here. I’ve been stressed for quite a while about whether I really made the right decision, if we are really right for each other. I get a sense that Master really does not know what to do with me and perhaps He is having second thoughts too! My inability to call Him ‘Master’ to His face is, I think, directly related to my lack of feeling that He is really dominating me. In the bedroom perhaps I feel it strongly, but in everyday life it is not as strong as I want it to be.

I asked for some money today and Master made the comment that he wasn’t a ‘mind reader’, meaning that if I want something I need to ask for it. But things like that are basic needs, we discussed me having an allowance before and if He was really thinking about me He would know that I have no money and would be needing some. It’s not really something that He needs to be told in my opinion.

Looking back at what I have written I can see that I have been bottling up a lot of stuff. More than anything though I see the need more communication. Master, You know what I am feeling etc. from my journal but I have so little information/feedback from You. A little view of Your big picture would help us both.

It’s rainin’s again

Riding to work this morning I noticed that the sky is definitely becoming lighter earlier and it’s so much warmer. It’s interesting to feel the changing of the seasons and have a real sense of time passing….Something I kind of missed out on for a greater portion of my life. I was thinking the same thing the other day when I went out to the clothesline without shoes on! I’ve had things so ingrained on me for so long that it’s difficult to change the way I think about them. The feel of the grass under my feet was so nice…. I remember when my ex-hubby came to Australia my sister’s house. He spent the whole time walking around in shoes-even when he’d just come out of the shower with a towel around him-because he thought the carpet was icky because we walked around on it in shoes. I think he almost had a panic attack when my brother in law walked outside in bare feet! I could never cope with his attitude about things like that…I was always the one who had to kill the creepy crawlies in the house because he wouldn’t go near them! Get a grip man!

But most importantly, it rained! I’ve been here nearly 2 months and it was the first time I’ve seen rain. In a way it kind of made me feel ‘normal’..there’s an ‘other-worldliness’ about this place so it was nice to see something normal! I was thinking, “Gee, it rains here too!”..lol..something similar to “Hey, there’s oxygen here too!”

Last night W/we watched ‘The Secretary’.It’s a sad kind of a movie, but gives me a nice ‘mmmmm’ feeling. I’m not describing this very well, am I? I think there’s a lot of things that I identify with and it hits too close to home on many occasions…it’s like I have a “I’m not sure if I want to go there” feeling about it.
‘The Story of O’ is removed enough from real life that I can watch it and just enjoy it (really enjoy it!)but ‘The Secretary’ is a little too real for comfort.

I’ve said it before, but I’ve got to say it again, having Master’s hand on my neck puts me in another place….It’s very bizarre…the house could probably burn down around me and I’d have no idea. It sends waves of something through me that I can’t describe and it’s addictive! I’m beginning to wonder if I should take it upon myself to extend O/our dvd collection just so I can curl up at Master’s feet and have His hand on my neck as we watch!

To ask or not to ask

Last night we went to see “Unleashed”. It had an interesting blurb of ‘The collar comes off September 1’ and “serve no master” so it seemed like a good movie to go and watch. It was quite a yummy movie-just enough martial arts scenes that weren’t over the top and collars and cages and references to vanilla ice-cream that were very amusing.
That whole being kept in a cage idea is very appealing to me-I wonder why??

So anyway, I had the traditional movie clothes on-no underwear and something ‘easily accessible’and off we went.It was hilarious that we ran into my boss and the whole bunch from work I had this terrible feeling that I was going to meet someone I knew from the beginning of the night and I was sort of praying that it would be somewhere dark as my dress was fairly see-through!

During the movie when Master was playing with my clit I almost lost it. I was going absolutely crazy with the need for release. I was 2 seconds away from asking Master for permission to cum, but He stopped and let me recover in the nick of time! Only to start again a few minutes later. It was so arousing and so completely erotic. It left me so needing more…

After we came home Master gave me a lovely spanking as He finger-fucked me and then He pulled me up by the hair to suck His cock. That always gets me into a zone. Then he pushed me back down and used me….I love those unexpected ‘sessions’. It gives me a true feeling of being owned and that He can use me any time in any way.

I was all buzzy afterwards and I had this incredible need to be tied up. I was so close to asking, begging may be the best word, Master if He would tie me up in bed. I think that is number one on my fantasy list at the moment- being bound while I sleep. I’m having trouble breathing just thinking about it. Asking is so hard…

Fighting the urge

Mmm…with 18 e-mails in the last 18 hrs bouncing around between me and Japan I’m seriously fighting the urge to open a vein! But it’s all good…I think. I’d forgotten how tedious and how draining it is when people start asking questions about your translations. I’d like to be able to say “That’s how I translated it and that’s how it’s going to be!” I think I only ever had one agency that took my translations without querying them and although it was refreshing, I also found it quite nerve-racking to think that no-one was checking them. Perhaps checks are a necessary evil?
I guess it all boils down to overcoming ego again. I should be able to accept people pointing out things or criticizing my work…but I am human after all and we all like to think that we are perfect in every way!

I’ve also been fighting another urge for some reason. I think I’m going through another one of those ‘touchy-feely’ phases probably due to not spending enough time at home and not getting my daily fix of Master. I seem to rollercoaster through periods of ‘don’t need anything, just let me do my stuff’ and ‘want to curl up on Your lap and never move’. It’s probably when I get low on alcohol and chocolate that I feel the incredible urge to curl up! Well, strictly speaking, it’s not an urge to curl up per se, it’s more a ‘throw myself at Master’s feet and drape myself over His knee’ kind of urge.

I was reading a blog by a sub this morning and she was talking about her instinct to kneel at a Dom’s feet. I can so completely identify with that. It’s not that Master has given me any sort of directives about that or anything at all in that sense but there is definitely a part of me that wants to. I could I suppose when the urge presented itself but there’s a certain element of embarassment and wondering whether Master will think that I am bizarre. (He later informed me that I was ‘quite welcome’ to do that! Classic.

For the people

I had some training today in customer service and dealing with the public (gee how I love the word ‘training’) All very basic stuff about smiling and choosing a good attitude and making the guests feel special etc.It was like customer service for dummies!

So to keep me entertained and to stop from nodding off I sat in the room and pondered who was a sub….I am thinking that people who do customer service and are good at it have to be subs. You’ve got to thrive on serving and pleasing to survive in the job so I decided that probably 80% of the 20 people in the room were! There also seems to be a thing about piercing and tattoos….I think I was the only person in the room without something!

I’ve finally got two days off starting Tuesday….I think I’ve been a pretty good girl this week so I wonder if I have any ‘rewards’ in store??? I saw Master mention it to someone in alt the other day…that I was due for a caning so we shall see! I certainly hope so!