I used to talk about ‘little bubbles of happiness’, meaning that it was the small things in everyday life that used to bring a smile to my face- things like when the train was 30 seconds late and I made it without having to wait for the next train, or when I found mars bars in the foreign supermarket (eyeballs nearly dropped out of my head!)..little things that ‘went right’ in my day. It was those little bubbles that kept me going and made the other things seem not so bad.
Then it was January, 2005 that the little bubbles lost their power to make me feel like everything was all right. I’m not sure what it was… whether knowing that I was ‘locked’ into a relationship that wasn’t fulfilling and into an apartment where I didn’t belong had finally hit me or what, I’m not exactly sure…but I knew that I needed more.
I feel fulfilment when my needs are met-my need to feel useful, to feel valued, appreciated, loved. Needs that I think do not differ from anyone else’s. So what makes me different from everyone else? Perhaps it is the way that I need to feel useful and valued and appreciated and loved that makes me ‘special’.
In my correspondence with a subby friend she has expressed what she feels about marks from her Sir:
“.. love new fresh bruises and welts, a perfect gift of adoration from your Master, His willingness to caress you with pain and adorn you with His mark, and the perfect gift from you in return to swoon over them, caress them, adore them, giving thankx and admiring them as the beautiful gift they are.. mmmmmm yess.. fresh marks, always a good thing, mmmmmm.
am happy you have them, you lucky gurl hehe, my marks have only just faded now, was a record for me, to be able to admire them for over a week hehe yummy.. such a great thing to be subby and have a loving Master who loves to touch the submissive soul with His sting mmmmm…”
…and I do understand what she is saying..although my mindset is probably not as pure as lil’s is. I can’t quite revel in the feeling that He ‘willing to caress me’.I’m satisfied by more selfish desires- a “I love marks and want ’em now” type of thing. It’s always a fight against myself- to control the pain and not let it control me. But I do love the praise of being called a ‘good girl’ or that I did ‘well’ etc.