Happiness

I used to talk about ‘little bubbles of happiness’, meaning that it was the small things in everyday life that used to bring a smile to my face- things like when the train was 30 seconds late and I made it without having to wait for the next train, or when I found mars bars in the foreign supermarket (eyeballs nearly dropped out of my head!)..little things that ‘went right’ in my day. It was those little bubbles that kept me going and made the other things seem not so bad.
Then it was January, 2005 that the little bubbles lost their power to make me feel like everything was all right. I’m not sure what it was… whether knowing that I was ‘locked’ into a relationship that wasn’t fulfilling and into an apartment where I didn’t belong had finally hit me or what, I’m not exactly sure…but I knew that I needed more.

I feel fulfilment when my needs are met-my need to feel useful, to feel valued, appreciated, loved. Needs that I think do not differ from anyone else’s. So what makes me different from everyone else? Perhaps it is the way that I need to feel useful and valued and appreciated and loved that makes me ‘special’.

In my correspondence with a subby friend she has expressed what she feels about marks from her Sir:

“.. love new fresh bruises and welts, a perfect gift of adoration from your Master, His willingness to caress you with pain and adorn you with His mark, and the perfect gift from you in return to swoon over them, caress them, adore them, giving thankx and admiring them as the beautiful gift they are.. mmmmmm yess.. fresh marks, always a good thing, mmmmmm.
am happy you have them, you lucky gurl hehe, my marks have only just faded now, was a record for me, to be able to admire them for over a week hehe yummy.. such a great thing to be subby and have a loving Master who loves to touch the submissive soul with His sting mmmmm…”

…and I do understand what she is saying..although my mindset is probably not as pure as lil’s is. I can’t quite revel in the feeling that He ‘willing to caress me’.I’m satisfied by more selfish desires- a “I love marks and want ’em now” type of thing. It’s always a fight against myself- to control the pain and not let it control me. But I do love the praise of being called a ‘good girl’ or that I did ‘well’ etc.

Yummy smells

Cheesecakes, scones and armani…three things that smell glorious in close proximity. I can smell armani on the bed, on the lounge and it drifts across to me as I sit here typing in my journal. And every time I do smell it I just want to say, “Take me, take me to the bed and have Your dastardly way with me”…lol. Associations with smells, sounds or images are very hard to shake from the brain…and that is not necessarily a bad thing.

So I woke up this morning from a very deep chain-induced sleep. One would think that sleeping in an uncomfy position would keep you awake, but not me! Probably one of the best sleep inducers a girl could have..and please note, I am saying ‘one’! Sometimes I lie there in the few minutes of pre-sleep haze after Master has chained me to the bed running the links through my hand and feeling the chain attached to my collar. I’m not sure why..it excites me and calms me all at the same time. Sometimes I think that I do it just to remind myself that it is really happening.

I like waking up and just lying around on Master’s chest or arm or wherever! Master’s nook is also a lovely place to while away a few minutes before getting up and going out to the harsh realities of the stark, cruel world…lol. Spooning, nooking..it’s all good and it’s lovely to share the morning together. I really do think that I need a 9 to 5 job so that we can wake up together more often!

Violations and the ‘pure’ slave

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Violations and the ‘pure’ slave
Oct. 16th, 2005 | 06:04 pm
..’I’m thinking ’bout good violations..’

There are good violations and damn bad ones. Today was a box of mixed violations and thank god it started with a superb one! It was that lovely alarm clock effect except this time I got to doze for another hour afterwards. It was like waking up and pressing the snooze button. Being pushed into position to service Master, used and with a few smacks on the botty thrown in for good luck, it was looking like a very good morning. But at the same time a little voice in the back of my mind was thinking, “Oh, my god..the boys are in the next room!Gotta be quiet..gotta be quiet.”

Then I headed into work at 6:30…to be violated in a bad way. With 175 people in normally I would be super stressed and thinking ‘When do I get out of here??’ but I was in the zone..all buzzy and not incredibly fazed by anything. It’s wonderful what a Masterly alarm clock can do.

Something I was thinking about in relation to the events of the last couple of days has been service vs duty. I’m not as pure a slave as a lot of people who can serve and revel in the joy of service regardless of how their service is valued. I also do a lot of the things I do out of a sense of duty or a feeling that it is my job, rather than because I enjoy doing them or get pleasure in the act of service. Being thanked or told that I did a good job or being called a ‘good girl’ etc are things that make me feel valued and it is often this that drives me. In a more sneaky sense, the promise of a reward is also a fairly substantial factor in my submission.

“The depth of my slavishness also depends on my security-if I feel that I am valued and safe and am ‘getting’ in equal amounts to my ‘giving’ then I get further into the slave mindset. This post on collarme summed up my feelings:

For me, it has a lot to do with how safe I feel, how protected and appreciated I feel. If there are issues in my relationship with the person I am submitting to, then I am not going to be able to allow myself to let go and slip into that headspace.

The less secure I feel, the less submissively I respond.

This doesn’t mean I’m not a submissive in that moment, it means I am a healthy, functioning adult who will always need to take care of myself.

I don’t subscribe to the give up all responsibility for myself philosophy I sometimes come across in this lifestyle. As tempting as it sounds some days, I don’t feel it’s feasible in our society.”

I’m feeling more and more that slavery is a suspension of reality or perhaps more accurately, the creation of an alternate reality. It is that ‘letting go’ that I equate to suspension. Whether I can do that though is a reflection of the health of my mindset and my feelings of security.

The scent of a man

The day of all days-the birthday! And what does one get Master? Of course the keys to a brand new shining 2006 Ninja would be ideal, but due to budget limitations that was not quite possible. I had considered buying lots of different things such as a new toy for the toy box..but I was thinking that it is Master’s b’day and not mine and I wanted to get something for His personal use. Christmas and anniversaries and other special occasions such as Master’s installation in the BDSM Hall of Fame may allow for pleasurable gifts but there’s something about a b’day that I think should be just for the birthday boy.

This was actually my first hit of retail therapy on ebay. I’d looked at several things there before but never actually bid on anything. I’ll tell you trying to bid on a thing while the b’day boy is sitting beside you is difficult in the extreme.
It’s the old ‘peripheral-vision-and-minimizing-when-He-dies’ trick that I have become quite good at…well not quite that but the ‘peripheral-vision-and-minimize-side-business-translation-work-that-I-shouldn’t-be-doing-whenever-anyone-walks-by’ trick.

This was also my first attempt at baking a cheesecake..although it needed a little more cooking it turned out quite well..better it be moist than dry and crusty.I wonder if there is a market for cheesecakes in alice…cheesecake stall at the markets on Sunday perhaps?..lol. But it took me that long to make it that I don’t think that I’d actually make any money!

Training…again

This is a topic that I always seem to be having trouble with. My idea and my admittedly vanilla idea about training is that it is learning to do a specific task- equipping you with skills to do a certain job, in a sense. In a M/s relationship I would assume that training is learning the skills that I need to be a slave. So that training all boils down to learning how to please Master. Now this where I start to have problems..how does this differ from service? Well, I guess by rights there are right and wrong ways to serve and learning the right ways is training. Looks like I’ve answered my own question here!

Training=learning to serve well??

Someone mentioned that learning how to make coffee the way their master likes it is training and by the above definition that would be true. As would be pushing limits if the sadist in the dominant needed feeding. Perhaps my confusion about service and training is actually about discipline and training…Now I’ll have to ponder the difference between these two!

Communication

Yes, I’m a bottler and no, my ability to communicate about things before they get so large and overwhelming that they threaten to choke me is not improving. I’d be fooling myself if I said that I thought it would-I don’t think this part of my personality will ever change.

For lack of a better word I had been feeling neglected. When my days off rocked up and the play that I’d hoped we’d do didn’t eventuate I’d be thinking ‘Great…have to wait until next week…’But then the next week would come and there’d be nothing again. Talk about climbing the walls! Actually I was getting to the point that I was seriously contemplating the future of our relationship again-which seems stupid in hindsight but was something that I was doing.

My chat with G had been friendly but it had began through some of my misgivings…Lying in bed feeling lonely and not being able to talk with anyone else I decided to get the opinion of one whom I would call ‘a friend’.Being a dom I thought that G’s ideas about training and play would give me something to compare my situation to.

Of course I realise that the bdsm side of our relationship should not be the main part, but I’m like a kid in a candy store at the moment-wanting new experiences and wanting to be used and abused.And if you’re not going to take advantage of the togetherness factor in your relationship why bother having tpe? Meeting once a week for a play session is no different from a long-distance relationship.
Some things that Master is doing now like chaining me to the bed at night while I sleep and having me wear chains around the house are great. Cuffs limit movement and they hurt-digging in when you move. But it’s a very good hurt. I’ve always liked bondage that hurts-there’s no point in being tied up if you can’t constantly feel something. The sensation, the reminder that you are bound is very yummy indeed.

The Convo
K:ummm..well…I’ve been with Master for 3 months now
G:3 gloroius months…lol
K:indeed..lol…and..well…I’m not sure exactly how to say this but I feel a bit neglected..
G:oh..?…bummer
K:so…not that I have anything to compare this experience to, but I just have a feeling that we should be ‘doing’ more
G:this is your first “subbing”..?
K:so I was just wondering what other doms did…and you are very true in your comment that it’s like asking how long is a piece of string…
K:yes it is…
G:how much experience does your master have..?
K:well, He has owned other girls before and He was sexually dominant in His marriage..He has also had some play partners I do believe…but I haven’t really asked for any deep details about his previous relationships…but I am his first tpe slave
G:well, i’ve always said is very difficult, nie on impossible to sustain 24/7
K:I agree…
G:you say you feel you should be doing more..?….what is more..??
K:but weeks go by with nothing..:more play, more sex (lol)..more of all of the above
G:hmmm…well weeks shouldn’t be going by….has he taught you much…?
K:I realise that D/s is more mental than physical and we both enjoy the mental aspect
G:well, should be a balance *s*
K:that was what I was thinking..:’taught’ me?
G:well you are inexperienced in bdsm yes..?
K:that is correct
G:so part of His role/responsibility as your Dom should be to teach you aspects of bdsm and equip you with tools of experience…
K:I’ve never really understood the concept of training as such….to me it is all service…so you mean training in the sense of learning to accept pain, sexual techniques etc?
G:yes, but there is a role of servitude to be shown to you and refined, like taking you to the levels he wants for you….and equipping you to reach levels you want to… this is a side track a little, but could be part of “what’s missing”…he should be getting you experienced with all sorts of corporal techniques…helping find which buttons of yours need to be pushed…
K:well, I can’t say I didn’t like any of the buttons that He has pushed
G:a good Dom observes His subby intensely, all the body responses that allow him to know you…lol….good….
is he extending your limits as you go along..?
K:He’s very good at knowing when I’ve had ‘too much’ but a lot of the time there is not enough
G:ah..lol..you feel there is not enough..?
K:I know it’s a very newbie subbie thing..
G:am sure he is a caring Dom and looking after your well being
K:and that He is…but sometimes too well…lol
G: bottom line is like most relationship things is a communication thing…..it sounds to me that he is not satisfying your thirst for more bdsm experience, so you need to convey that to him, and be strong….don’t let him just fob it off….
K:worried about if I’m tired from work, haven’t had enough sleep etc…when they really are insignificant in the scheme of things
G:nods
K:our play time actually gives me strength to get through the vanilla day
G:it is good to make you do or experience some things when you are maybe not quite right for them…is still training that you won’t always be bright a a button when called on, but have to give of yourself… i understand
K:and that whole ‘not caring about how I feel’ thing is something I find really erotic
G:yes, is important you are called upon to submit sometimes despite tiredness or other factors..
K:that’s what I think too…
G:you are right
KI have a journal that I write in everyday and I’ve written a lot of what I’ve been discussing with you in there
G:good…is good release for your thoughts…
K:so Master does know what I am feeling
G:but you need to sit down with mark and convey what you want… yes, but openly converse about it with him
K:I’m terrible with the whole communication thing…lol
G:may i suggest too, you chat with lil about it…she can give you another sensible subby’s angle…. so is my subby trust me…. i have to encourage it….prize it out of her..lol
K:makes me sick to the stomach to have to ask for something
G:she will aslo tell you the subby’s angle of what we do…how i train her..prepare her… hehe
K:thank you for the suggestion…I will send her a mail in collarme’
G:yes, good idea….

Sirs, sirs and poly sirs

Chatting with G tonight I realized that he has the ‘domly essence’..I’m not sure what it is, but it is something that comes through their words and makes you want to call them Sir or Master or Ma’am. I’d always wondered how that feeling could come through the screen-with text that has no tone or shadow. Perhaps it is something in the directness of the speech or the choice of words or something else…I’m really not that sure. Is there something different in the way doms and subs use language to communicate? It sounds like a really good thesis topic! Maybe I need to find an open-minded university and do my Masters in linguistic psychology. God, I’d be so motivated to do research..lol

G and his subby have been in a tpe relationship for 3 months-I’d completely forgotten that their anniversary was really close to ours. He said that they had had a long-distance relationship for 15 to 18 months before that. G was grilling me on my feelings towards poly-apparently he’d spent a lot of time training his subby to accept her bi-curious nature and that by being accessed by others she was actually serving him.

My feeling is that man cannot live on bread alone-and that is the generic man, mankind. As switchy has said, there are billions of people out there..how can we be sure that just one can provide all we need? But having said that I think we need a base of a stable relationship to come back to.

G had organized for another Dom to give her some new experiences-single tail, electro etc.’All part of her training!’ according to G.

Couldn’t have said it better myself

“A true sub/slave is a complex sentient that craves being handled. She is performance driven because she thrives on her owners’ attention. Her demure maybe cool, but internally, she is a bundle of raw nerves a thousand times more sensitive to sight, sound and touch. She is never happy unless she is being controlled because the dominance over her lust frees her from responsibility. Her choice to respond wildly to her owners’ sexual touch is not taken from her it is demanded or else. The best of the best can change gears in millisecond, stop on a 5 cent piece and change their demeanour at a glance. If she is not well used she becomes stale, disheartened and even depressed.

She is cherished, respected and trusted. She loves unconditionally. For all her gifts, skills and talent she is never quite sure she’s done. She is serious about training. focused on perfection and loyal to a fault. She is vain in appearance; she wants her Owner to be proud of her & never afraid to express it. She is cursed by failure & secretly agonizes over not being good enough. Her longing to be understood is as great as her longing to be loved.

Her knowledge that she is understood needs to be without question. The displays of that understanding are cherished. Her usage total, under whatever confines required of her.”

A slave in need…

..is irrepressible indeed!

Ever since my period last week I’ve been horny. I guess it’s some hormonal thing but I’ve always been more needy than usual when menstruating. I used to tease my ex unmercilessly when I had my period because I knew that we couldn’t/wouldn’t have sex. It was fairly cruel and a bitchy thing to do but in hindsight it was also fun..hehehe.
I always used to love that week-well, I told him it was a week but it’s more like 4 or 5 days generally- because it was ‘safe’.I didn’t have to worry about him wanting anything from me.

What is so different now is not only the way that Master uses me, which satiates a deeply ingrained need in me, but it is also a huge change in mindset. The freedom of removal of choice is a wonderous thing. I always think about vanilla sex as ‘sex’ and sex as a slave as being ‘used’. That is my mindset as property and what the collar encircling my neck instills in me. But the idea of being used and being an object to satiate Master’s needs is so profoundly erotic and fulfilling that it hurts.

What it all boils down to is there is still a part of me that thinks ‘bodily pleasure’ is weak. I decided so long ago that I didn’t need it and was almost prepared to go ‘without’ forever. (God, I’m sounding like some nun here!)Having my choice removed gives me ‘permission’ to be weak. And on the same line of thought being chained up and fucked is the ultimate freedom for me.

After chaining me up last night, Master commented that I was so wet. And I knew I was. Not only does being chained up make me wet but I was also lying there thinking about how delicious it would be to be fucked in chains. And it was…

To provide pleasure and be pleasured through the provision of that pleasure is what my life revolves around now.