I think everytime that I’ve had an epiphany it’s been a life-changing moment and this time was no exception.
Where I was blaming Master for not being dominating enough to make me feel like a slave, I was actually not treating Him as my Master. Where I felt that He should be keeping me in line, I was not taking responsibility for my own actions. By not asking Master permission to do things and just doing them I was not giving Him my submission, not leaving the final decision to Him.I had been abusing the priveledges accorded to me by Master and was blinded by my arrogance. MD (a domly friend) summed it up so well when he said that I was not being serious about my collar. My lack of calling Master “Master” to His face, my habit of going wherever, whenever I wished and my lack of affording Master the respect He deserved were all fairly serious digressions and indications that I wasn’t really taking my slavery seriously.
So I churned things over in my head for a couple of days and then finally I bit the bullet and decided to discuss things with Master over dinner. I really felt so bad about the whole thing. Everything that I had done was so wrong and I felt foolish. I really wanted to take back the last week and just start again. I was really beginning to doubt my last six months-I hadn’t really been in slavery at all and I knew that I needed help.
So Master took it all patiently. He knows me well in that He gives me time to come around and say things when I am ready. He never forces me to say things-knowing that in time I will be able to say what I want to say.
I suggested that I offer my leash to Him everyday when I come home from work to put me in the mind set. The leash that I had bought Master for xmas was a ‘peace offering’ of sort -a gesture to show that I was ready to be ‘chained’ to my Master again.
And He suggested a few things to help me learn my place too: to avoid looking Him in the eyes, to never be above Him in height and to decide a penance for myself-something to reiterate my slavery.
I have two weeks to decide a penance along with a task to buy a ‘kitten bowl’ for my food.
( i just love the slogan on the window of the pet shop “Every pet’s every need”…indeed!)
After dinner Master said that He was going to take me for a drive. I stripped and He lead me outside by the leash to the rock in the back yard. Master scent-marked me then put me into the car and off we went. His idea was to put me into one of the cages at the animal shelter. I was naked, leashed and covered in Master’s scent. I felt so very small..as though I could fit into Master’s pocket. But god was I nervous-nervous of being seen, of being stopped by the police etc. I think I aged 10 years. Unfortunately the shelter was closed so we came home again and Master gave me a bath and an enema. He sat me in the bath like you do a dog and washed me down so gently and said that from now on, enemas were going to be part of my daily routine. As I witness Master chipping away at my privacy and establishing His control in even the most basic parts of my existence I am surprise by my lack of resistance. Of course there is a terrible amount of embarrassment there but no feeling whatsoever of not wanting to comply.
Having my daily drink is also a lovely slavish activity. I don’t feel any particular humiliation in Master using me as a toilet..just a satisfaction that I am being useful and honoured. It is so much easier to drink Master’s than my own.
Master has also said that He thinks it’s time for me to experience play with others. The thought scares the hell out of me. It gives me a mixture of emotions from fear to jealousy and with a good sprinkling of curiousity.
So although I have a terrible feeling that I’ve tightened the noose around my own neck, I feel content. The more used I am the more content I am and hopefully I am giving Master pleasure which in turn makes me happy. It truly is a symbiotic relationship and needs good communication to stay healthy. I appreciated the fact that Master too said that He had left things go on too long without interceding, that perhaps things had needed to be done from the start. We all make mistakes, would like to edit things in hindsight, but it is most comforting that Master presents to me His human side- that He is not infallible. I tend to forget that He is not god-is not all-seeing and all-knowing, and needs to know what I think and I feel. That is all part of making the relationship work and like any good partnership effort needs to be made on both sides.