A very strange thing happened…I discovered that I had been lying to myself.
I had forgotten the golden rule “Above all else to thine own self be true” and in my fear of something imagined I had bottled up my feelings of discontent.
I guess it all came to a head when I had a chat with my sister and she told me that my mum had received a letter from my ex-hubby. Never in the 10 years we were together had he ever made an effort to comunicate with my family in English and it had always made me so..for wont of a better word…sad. I had tried so hard to learn Japanese, to learn the customs, to try and fit into society and I was always upset that he wasn’t willing to meet me ‘half way’.Why did I have to be the one putting so much into the relationship when he wasn’t putting in the same?
My sister told me basically what the letter has said:
“he said it was the first letter that he had ever written (in english i assume), he apologied for not writing sooner, he said he had much anxiety last year. He missed you, he remembered everyone’s name, told us all to come back to kyoto and another place which has guided tours. that the time we had in jp was very rushed, that he doesn’t hate you, he was sorry that he couldn’t make you happy”
Something in me just kind of broke when I read that.I felt his pain so clearly through his words, his feelings of inadequacy at not being able to ‘make me happy’ and I wanted to tell him so badly that he had made me happy. I had been very happy on some levels..but I had wanted more. I guess what really was the pivotal point was that I realised that we had outgrown each other. There were places that I wanted to go emotionally that he couldn’t take me, and I abhorred the feeling that I wasn’t what I could be.As painful as it was for both of us, I knew that I wouldn’t be satisfied and I wanted out.
I cried and cried after chatting with my sister. I just can’t begin to explain how sorry I felt. I know how lead on and cheated I would feel if our positions had been reversed. Even though I had left him for a very valid reason, I still feel an awful lot of guilt.
So thinking about how much pain I have put him through for the sake of my ‘happiness’ I came to the sudden realisation that if I wasn’t happy, what had been the point? I was feeling very angry because my relationship with Master wasn’t giving me what I needed and therefore I wasn’t happy.After having been in that ‘place’ twice before, having had discussions with Master about what I needed and what I wasn’t getting and not seeing any positive changes, I was seriously thinking that I just couldn’t ‘do it’ anymore. Our lack of playtime was casting a blackness over everything in my life. I felt useless, purposeless and I had a sneaking feeling that Master just wasn’t that ‘into me’.Everything came tumbling down around me and I was so angry for putting myself into this situation. It was all too much and I just couldn’t tolerate and be patient anymore. I was thinking about asking to be released from my collar, thinking about what to do with the house, the bond, the furniture, thinking about what money resources I had and whether I should go home to all the ‘I told you sos’or apply for a job somewhere and go straight there. I was so close to just throwing it all away. I was so worked up and it all felt so clear and I was actually excited-more so from having a direction because I had felt so lost, than from the prospect of doing something new.
I stewed over things for a couple of days, wallowing in my anger, and then it happened. I was at work and doing the night audit out the front, when Master walked in through the lobby smiling at me. I looked at Him, like I was looking at Him for the first time, and I realised that I loved Him. It was then that I decided that I had to give Him a chance-let Him know how I felt and see how He would respond.
So I plucked up the courage and as we lay there in the darkness one night,I asked Him how He felt our relationship was going, whether it was as He had imagined it to be. I told Him how I felt we didn’t play enough and how His lack of ‘usage’ made me feel that I was useless and that He really wasn’t that ‘into me’. I’ve always had body issues and I know that I am not thin and attractive so I really didn’t want to obligate Him to have to keep me if He wasn’t attracted to me. So I brought up the fact that I had seen a great job on the gold coast that would be ideal to me. It was pure coincidence that I had looked on seek.com.after so many months of not bothering, and while I wasn’t consciously trying to scare Him into anything, I wanted Him to know how serious I was about things. I laid down everything on the table, told Him the situation and was waiting for Him to let me go. I’d thought about losing my collar and it was a very bleak thought but I was willing to go that far.
After taking in everything that I had to say,Master asked me if I thought the relationship was salvagable or not. I told Him it was.I said that the feelings that I have for Him haven’t changed and that I have invested a lot in this realationship both emotionally and financially and therefore want to give it every chance that I can.
Now coming back to my original statement-that I hadn’t been true to myself-I have to keep in mind that being a slave doesn’t equate to being a doormat. I shouldn’t just be taking things passively and trying to justify them in my head.I always laugh sometimes at my thought that I am putting ‘so much’ into this relationship, as far as emotional input is concerned, I’m not putting in nearly enough.
So it’s all been another learning experience and I think we are a lot better off for it. I guess that in some ways I thought that the relationship would grow and deepen without any bumps along the way. I must of been having another one of my delusional spells when I was thinking that!