Pillowtalk

A very strange thing happened…I discovered that I had been lying to myself.
I had forgotten the golden rule “Above all else to thine own self be true” and in my fear of something imagined I had bottled up my feelings of discontent.

I guess it all came to a head when I had a chat with my sister and she told me that my mum had received a letter from my ex-hubby. Never in the 10 years we were together had he ever made an effort to comunicate with my family in English and it had always made me so..for wont of a better word…sad. I had tried so hard to learn Japanese, to learn the customs, to try and fit into society and I was always upset that he wasn’t willing to meet me ‘half way’.Why did I have to be the one putting so much into the relationship when he wasn’t putting in the same?

My sister told me basically what the letter has said:

“he said it was the first letter that he had ever written (in english i assume), he apologied for not writing sooner, he said he had much anxiety last year. He missed you, he remembered everyone’s name, told us all to come back to kyoto and another place which has guided tours. that the time we had in jp was very rushed, that he doesn’t hate you, he was sorry that he couldn’t make you happy”

Something in me just kind of broke when I read that.I felt his pain so clearly through his words, his feelings of inadequacy at not being able to ‘make me happy’ and I wanted to tell him so badly that he had made me happy. I had been very happy on some levels..but I had wanted more. I guess what really was the pivotal point was that I realised that we had outgrown each other. There were places that I wanted to go emotionally that he couldn’t take me, and I abhorred the feeling that I wasn’t what I could be.As painful as it was for both of us, I knew that I wouldn’t be satisfied and I wanted out.
I cried and cried after chatting with my sister. I just can’t begin to explain how sorry I felt. I know how lead on and cheated I would feel if our positions had been reversed. Even though I had left him for a very valid reason, I still feel an awful lot of guilt.

So thinking about how much pain I have put him through for the sake of my ‘happiness’ I came to the sudden realisation that if I wasn’t happy, what had been the point? I was feeling very angry because my relationship with Master wasn’t giving me what I needed and therefore I wasn’t happy.After having been in that ‘place’ twice before, having had discussions with Master about what I needed and what I wasn’t getting and not seeing any positive changes, I was seriously thinking that I just couldn’t ‘do it’ anymore. Our lack of playtime was casting a blackness over everything in my life. I felt useless, purposeless and I had a sneaking feeling that Master just wasn’t that ‘into me’.Everything came tumbling down around me and I was so angry for putting myself into this situation. It was all too much and I just couldn’t tolerate and be patient anymore. I was thinking about asking to be released from my collar, thinking about what to do with the house, the bond, the furniture, thinking about what money resources I had and whether I should go home to all the ‘I told you sos’or apply for a job somewhere and go straight there. I was so close to just throwing it all away. I was so worked up and it all felt so clear and I was actually excited-more so from having a direction because I had felt so lost, than from the prospect of doing something new.

I stewed over things for a couple of days, wallowing in my anger, and then it happened. I was at work and doing the night audit out the front, when Master walked in through the lobby smiling at me. I looked at Him, like I was looking at Him for the first time, and I realised that I loved Him. It was then that I decided that I had to give Him a chance-let Him know how I felt and see how He would respond.

So I plucked up the courage and as we lay there in the darkness one night,I asked Him how He felt our relationship was going, whether it was as He had imagined it to be. I told Him how I felt we didn’t play enough and how His lack of ‘usage’ made me feel that I was useless and that He really wasn’t that ‘into me’. I’ve always had body issues and I know that I am not thin and attractive so I really didn’t want to obligate Him to have to keep me if He wasn’t attracted to me. So I brought up the fact that I had seen a great job on the gold coast that would be ideal to me. It was pure coincidence that I had looked on seek.com.after so many months of not bothering, and while I wasn’t consciously trying to scare Him into anything, I wanted Him to know how serious I was about things. I laid down everything on the table, told Him the situation and was waiting for Him to let me go. I’d thought about losing my collar and it was a very bleak thought but I was willing to go that far.
After taking in everything that I had to say,Master asked me if I thought the relationship was salvagable or not. I told Him it was.I said that the feelings that I have for Him haven’t changed and that I have invested a lot in this realationship both emotionally and financially and therefore want to give it every chance that I can.

Now coming back to my original statement-that I hadn’t been true to myself-I have to keep in mind that being a slave doesn’t equate to being a doormat. I shouldn’t just be taking things passively and trying to justify them in my head.I always laugh sometimes at my thought that I am putting ‘so much’ into this relationship, as far as emotional input is concerned, I’m not putting in nearly enough.

So it’s all been another learning experience and I think we are a lot better off for it. I guess that in some ways I thought that the relationship would grow and deepen without any bumps along the way. I must of been having another one of my delusional spells when I was thinking that!

Extravagance as necessity

The deluxe suite at the Crown Plaza.
Champagne and food from room service.
A bag full of toys.

Nothing like a haiku to start a journal entry!

And that is how Master and I spent our precious day off together on Tuesday. It may have been extravagant and money that we really can’t afford to spend but it was worth every cent. It was just the sort of removal from reality that helped me recharge my batteries and more than anything, I was happy to have Master’s undivided attention.

The past week with me on PM shifts had been a “Hi/Bye” time where we passed each other going or coming to work.

What a load of bull!

Well, I’ve now been christened with a bullwhip- had my trial by fire and have the bruises and marks to show for it.

I won’t lie and say that I wasn’t scared- but scared of the whip itself and not the One holding it. It’s just so big and imposing..has a life of its own so to speak..and looks like it can inflict serious damage. To will yourself to stand there while someOne whips you is quite extraordinary-it’s like a mindfuck all on its own.

So the aftermath of the whipping and caning was scary looking welts and red marks criss-crossing my back from shoulders to butt. It’s always a bit shocking but exciting at the same time to see the results of your submission. I think that’s why I like marks so much-they are tangible evidence of my submission returned to me by Master. It’s like receiving a gift for your birthday..something to ‘mark’ the occasion..LOL.

Petfood

My bowl is something other than the cane that I have a love/hate relationship with. The whole process of cutting up my food, leaving it to cool, putting it into my bowl and then kneeling down on the floor at Master’s feet is ever so humbling. And as I chase the food around the bottom of the bowl with my tongue and swear silently to myself a few times I think about why I am doing it, what my actions mean and how they relate to my submission.

I feel silly and embarassed but there is also the slavish side of me that gets a nice little buzz. Something about having whatever you are eating all over your face gives you a reality check. It’s like sitting at the computer typing in your journal while you are wearing nothing but your leash- there’s the little voice in your head that mentions how bizarre it is and the other voice that generally drowns out the little one that says “And your problem is?”

I’ve had discussions with Tania about D/s relationships and one thing she gets stuck on is the fact that Master and I are not a couple per se. It is very similar to Owner and pet and when she goes on about equality and lack thereof in the relationship it is because she doesn’t think of it in that way. She also says that one thing that disturbs her greatly is that I will be losing my sense of self. Perhaps I should remind her that pets exist quite happily with their own personalities while being Owned.

I know one thing is for sure..next time I’m getting food ready for the dogs at home, I’ll definitely be thinking much more about the size of pieces and avoiding shapes that just stick to the bottom of the bowl!

The power of One

I had a very definitive moment today. I was cooking dinner and had just gone in to tell Master that it would be another few minutes when He decided that it was time for my drink. Master was sitting in His chair and I was kneeling so it was a little different to how it normally was because it involved me actually ‘sucking it up’ instead of just drinking it down. So I received my drink as I always do with pleasure and after I had finished Master was hard- He wanted to give me more. I looked to His face, unsure of what He wanted me to do. He had a smile on His face and if I hadn’t known Him better I would say that He was grinning. As He pushed me back down onto His cock I was thinking about having it inside me, how good it would feel to have it fill me and stretch me. And after a few minuteness He removed Himself from my mouth and pulling on my lead, lead me from the room. When we got to the hallway He pulled me up saying “You don’t have to crawl on the tiles” and as I reached the carpet in the bedroom, a gentle push on my shoulder reminded me to go down onto the carpet again. He lead me to the bed and pushed me into position with a hand on the small of my back.

It was so yummy to just be pulled around and used like that. I had such an intense feeling that He was simply using the holes available to Him to satiate His needs.

The Penance

I was staring off into space at work thinking about what I could do for a penance. I’d had a little chat with a domly friend MD about it and he found it very interesting that Master had given the task of thinking up a penance to me. MD seemed to think that it didn’t really give Master control but I felt that it demonstrated Master’s control even more- to have me think about a penance which would be in a sense a ‘punishment’ for myself was quite a powerful action.

So I had a look at lots of definitions of slavery, what being a slave meant, what internal enslavement involved and decided that if I was looking up definitions of what it was I was doing, and had been doing for the past six months, I really needed to get back to basics.

A slave is property and has no possessions, no rights, nothing that belongs to them. I felt that I needed to have my privileges stripped away from me, so that I would learn to appreciate everything that Master gave me and really feel my slavery. So no furniture, no going anywhere anytime I wanted, eat my food out of my kitten bowl, spend whatever time I can naked and generally ask permission for everything. I crawl on the carpet as long as I don’t have things in my hands and I generally make myself ‘available’ at all times to Master. It is a very simple existence and I feel very content and peaceful.

I always used to say to people that I wanted to live a ‘simpler’ life. I really don’t know what I meant at the time that I said it butI knew that there was some other sort of life that I wanted to lead. I’d talk about living on a desert island somewhere growing vegetables and spending my days reading. Well, there isn’t an island but there is definitely a desert!

I have been having a daily drink (or two!!) from Master and I feel that there is a strong sense of intimacy involved. I like the fact that I am close to Master and receiving a part of Him. Master seems to be very happy that I am enjoying it. He makes these noises like when He is in ‘dom mode’ and I can feel Him ’drinking’ in His power over me.

I have this very strong need to be near Master, touching Him or close to Him. It’s like a dependence of sorts-like I feed off His presence and am just waiting for the chance to prove my ‘love’ towards Him. We had a little bit of a discussion about what it was that I feel towards Him. It’s not one of the kinds of love I have ever experienced in my life before and only for wont of a better word I am calling it love. It’s a strange feeling with a life of it’s own that leaves a fire in my belly and fills me until I feel I must burst. Maybe the closest way I can come up with to describe it is that I cherish my Master.

Master asked me if I would be willing to lose Him if I felt that I couldn’t share Him. Of course the only answer to that question is that I would rather cut something off than lose Him. I see so many people who stay in unhappy D/s relationships and I really do understand why. It would be so very excruciatingly painful to lose one’s Master and although it’s not exactly like you are brainwashed you do lose the ability to exist by yourself. Being alone without one’s Master is a very dark thought indeed.

Big, bad butt plugs

For our last night together alone before Master starts work we had a very interesting session.

Master gave me quite a thorough whipping and caning and then left a butt plug inside me for longer than it really feels comfortable for. I’d never been caned on my back before and I’ve decided that it is much easier to withstand than on your butt. The pain seems to dissapate across your back. Although there isn’t as much padding there, the pain is a thuddy sort of ‘bam’ not the ouchie ‘sting’ as you get on your botty. Now, the feet are a different story. OUCH! That may have been the second time I have uttered the word ouch, but it is warranted where feet are concerned. The strike seems to jar straight through to the bones and stay there for a while.

The butt plug was fine for the first 30 minutes or so..I even managed to nod off for a while…but then it just ached. And the more it ached the more I felt this absolutely explosive need to be fucked. The pain in my butt was making my pussy ache for some action and when I really couldn’t take it any more I cracked and called out to Master. So Master came in and asked me how I was feeling…how does one explain that she is in a lot of pain but needs to be fucked so badly she is aching??? So I said to Master that I ‘needed to feel Him inside me’ and He said to me ‘Oh, you need to be fucked do you?’ and then I said “Yes, I need to be fucked by You Master” and true to form Master responded with “Is that the best you can beg?” At this stage I was electrified..desperate..so the ‘Oh please Master fuck me!’ came out as a natural response. It was the first time that I had ever really begged and once again it instilled in me the bonds of my slavery -needing Master to have my needs fulfilled, being given release at His whim and knowing that I was totally His.

A new gurl

J is a police officer who hasn’t been with a man for 7 years and wants to explore her submissive side. The exchanges between her and Master have been highly amusing. She is trying so hard to maintain some kind of control over where she is going with it all but her reactions to things betray her real feelings. She has very strong fantasies about being taken and tied up-left helpless and totally out of control over what happens to her. I understand why she has feelings like that. Being taken and helpless is a kind of permission to be a slut, to enjoy what happens to you without having the responsibility for being in that situation. So the ‘vanilla side’ of her which is very controlling and the little voice inside her that tells her that she shouldn’t be a slut, shouldn’t enjoy being fucked in the ass are trying so hard to drown out her ‘deeper and darker’ needs and wants.

I enjoy chatting with her and seeing her reactions to the things that we do. And I’m sure that I’d enjoy having her watch as Master whipped me or marked me. It brings out an interesting sort of slave pride in me and the shock factor is a bonus.It would also be nice to have someone to talk to who understands. I don’t have anyone r/t to whom I can say exactly what is going on without being judged.
Now, as to whether I would enjoy doing something to or with her..that is another completely different question.

I know that I feel a stab of jealousy every time I hear Master say what she has said that amused Him. He’s thoroughly enjoying the whole situation of fucking with her mind and I am happy to see Him happy. But being happy to see Him happy does not mean that I like the bringer of that happiness..when it is someone other than me that is. Other than being nervous about what would happen between us, of being with a woman for the first time I have issues with another person giving Master pleasure. It seems too much like they’re taking my ‘job’ away from me and I become superfluous. After all, I see my purpose as being here to serve Master. Theoretically I should take it as another level in our relationship and be comforted by the fact that my service to Master in not ‘having an issue’ with Him having other women gives Him pleasure but I am finding it difficult to get into that mind set.

My habit of liking to analyze everything and needing to ‘understand’ before I can accept is good in some situations but it is limiting in others. I struggle for the correct slant on things in my position as Master’s slave but I am getting there..albeit slowly.