One moment that stood out in our discussion was when I told you that I had not always done things that were required of me.There had been times in the past that I’d sat on the lounge, used crockery, played without permission, walked where I should of crawled, times when I had blatantly been disobedient.
I remember the disappointment in your eyes and the words that you spoke when I suggested that I did those things because I was wanting to see what would happen, that all it would of taken was for you to ask if I had done my tasks (because I would never lie-not disclose? yes. lie? no)
“I had trusted you”
Those four words chilled me to the bone.
And I thought that perhaps you would never look at me in the same light again.
For all my attempts at perfectionism, I am so very flawed. I’m not quite the angel that I seem.
In my defense, I had only ever disobeyed when I was feeling so very, very unstable. Times when I was lacking attention, was feeling needy, and so down that I thought ‘well, it really won’t matter anyway.’ But I know that it’s not really an excuse. If only I had told you what was happening, what I was feeling inside-instead of trying to show you.
They say that we live and learn – that nothing that we learn something from is ever a waste.
But that doesn’t stop the gnawing feeling of doubt that is nibbling away at the edge of my consciousness.