Where angels fear to tread

One moment that stood out in our discussion was when I told you that I had not always done things that were required of me.There had been times in the past that I’d sat on the lounge, used crockery, played without permission, walked where I should of crawled, times when I had blatantly been disobedient.

I remember the disappointment in your eyes and the words that you spoke when I suggested that I did those things because I was wanting to see what would happen, that all it would of taken was for you to ask if I had done my tasks (because I would never lie-not disclose? yes. lie? no)

“I had trusted you”

Those four words chilled me to the bone.
And I thought that perhaps you would never look at me in the same light again.
For all my attempts at perfectionism, I am so very flawed. I’m not quite the angel that I seem.

In my defense, I had only ever disobeyed when I was feeling so very, very unstable. Times when I was lacking attention, was feeling needy, and so down that I thought ‘well, it really won’t matter anyway.’ But I know that it’s not really an excuse. If only I had told you what was happening, what I was feeling inside-instead of trying to show you.

They say that we live and learn – that nothing that we learn something from is ever a waste.
But that doesn’t stop the gnawing feeling of doubt that is nibbling away at the edge of my consciousness.

Prayer

Allow me the strength to answer questions I can’t fathom.

Allow me the spirit to know His needs.

Allow me the serenity to serve Him in peace.

Allow me the love to show Him myself.

Allow me the tenderness to comfort Him.

Allow me the light to show us the way.

Allow me the wisdom to be an asset to Him.

Let me be able to show Him each day my love of my service to Him.

Let me open myself up to completely belong to Him.

Let me accept my punishment with the grace of a woman.

Let me learn to please Him, beyond myself.

Grant me the power to give myself to Him completely.

Give me the strength to please us both.

Permit me to love myself, in loving Him.

For it is my greatest wish, my highest power to make His life complete, as He makes mine.

Not in utter nakedness, but trailing clouds of glory do we come…

So we finally sat down, discussed the trial and put pen to paper.In almost a week to the day I’ll be starting again from scratch. It seems funny to be going back to zero after eight months of doing ‘something’ and I’m wondering how it will all pan out-if the kinks in the road can be kneaded out or if they’ll get all entagled again.

My whole idea about the trial was so I could see how things will be. I didn’t want it to be a ‘pseudo-slavery’, similar to a warm up leading up to the ‘real thing’ because I need to know how it will be before that collar is put back on. This is because I have a feeling that once it goes on again, it won’t ever be coming off.

Other than communication, the main topic for the trial seems to be privileges. At the round table, a lot of the talk centered around what privileges needed to be earned back and this is the order that I’d like them to be returned to me:
1. Computer
2. Gym
3. Books
4. Television
5. Free time
6. Crockery
7. Furniture

There was also a little bit of talk on rules and routines:
1.Daily enemas (not looking forward to those again…)
2.A minimum of two journal entries a week
3.A nightly pledge before bedtime
4.Weekly confessional on Monday afternoon
5.A set-in-concrete usage session on Monday nights (no ifs or buts)
6.Waxing as per usual
7.Bedtime @ 12am on am shifts and 2am on pm shifts
8.Addressing Master as Master

Attention and returning of privileges as reward, and the removal of privileges and attention as punishment. It all sounds fairly simple doesn’t it?? lol…

Now the only question is, what is a girl going to do without computer, gym, books or tv???
There is only so much time that can be spent pondering her slavery…

The ‘s’ word

“Are you not a female?”

“Of course”

“Then there is a slave girl in you that wants her master.”

Female slaves are sexual and they thrive within their sexuality as a part of what makes them mastered and owned. A woman who is mastered and enslaved cannot help but be fully and completely uninhibited to her basic natural desires and needs, sex is a big part of human nature.

When owned and mastered, slaves are completely, utterly, beautiful completely sexual beings and even if they are taking out smelly trash to please their master, that sexuality and sexual nature doesn’t just become moot. Its not taken out and shoved away; its a part of her, a part that usually shines through, she is not afraid of being sexual or her own sexuality. It is natural for her, its what slavery has taught her, its what her Master’s whip has pulled from her, she has no dignity, she has no control with him, she is uninhibited within herself and her Master and it shows.

As a slave who has been mastered and who is owned, you cannot hide anything from that man, not even your reaction as a female to him as a male, and the continual acknowledgment of that need and desire as you go about your day.

‘Continual acknowledgment’…hmm… well, I can say that I have done my acknowledgment, and continually at that, today. I was in need of some hurt and some filling. Given a few minutes by myself and out comes the butt plug and the nipple clamps, the dildo and lube. Used all at once, it’s a very erotic, ouchy combination. Now, if only I could whip myself…lol.

I think it might also be time to purchase my very own pocket rocket (^V^)…and copious amounts of rechargeable batteries.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This ‘not slave but not free either’ limbo is certainly pushing my tolerance levels. I’m trying oh-so-hard to be patient-I’m waiting until you are well so we can talk about contracts and trials and things like that, but we just spent two precious days together and hardly a word about it was said. And today you gave me the familiar ‘very good’ comment on my journal and I really had to bite my tongue. There is so much in here that you need to-should want to-comment about.

What is it that sucks away your motivation? Why is it so hard for you? I sometimes feel like I’m the pushy teacher tapping her feet in impatience for the homework to be handed in. I know I shouldn’t feel like that but I do. Is there anything that I can do to help? I can’t do for you what your role requires, but if I can do anything to make it a little easier, just let me know.

Feeding time at the zoo

The analogy of me as your pet is a very good one. Our relationship by it’s very nature causes me to depend on you. I’m giving up my autonomy and my independence and as such, I come to rely on you for a great many things- the most important of them being feeding time. By placing little tidbits along the path, you are ensuring that I can find my way and won’t starve in the process of getting to the goal.

I’ve often wondered what the ‘goal’ or the big picture for us is. Where are we ultimately heading? What will we do? The mind boggles….

I think that I’ve also mentioned to you before that I think of very little but M/s and bdsm in general and I was wondering how that compares to what you feel and think about. For you, is it just there in the background and do you consciously have to try and ‘pull’ the ideas out or are you pushing it aside to think about other things? If you listed up everything in your life in order of priority, what would your list look like?

Thinking today about the trappings of slavery, I was trying to think about why a lot of slavery involves bondage and marking. I’m not suggesting that everyone in an M/s relationship is into bdsm, but it seems that the majority are. So I came up with the following theory:

Bondage is the tangible proof of enslavement.
Pain is the tangible proof of submission.
Markings are the tangible proof of ownership.

We are such visual creatures. We never really seem to be happy until we express our feelings in some visual form. We need to see and touch our experiences or they somehow get lost in the shadows of the mind.

Dead woman walking

Starting with nothing but an ever-tightening noose.

It sounded like a good idea at the time-starting with nothing and earning things back as priviledges. As we lay on the bed you asked me if I was ready to start with nothing:

“No gym, no tv, no computer….”

(Shit! I hadn’t even thought about losing the gym!)

“Ummm…yes, okay. I can do that.”

“Good girl.”

“…it’s so good to be your girl again.”

I’m not quite sure what started what happened next. All I really remember was you sliding your hand down to my cunt and feeling my sluttiness then pulling me across the bed so I was kneeling on the floor with my chest over the bed and then you were driving into me. I’ve noticed that I do a lot of hanging over beds and lounges in general. It’s one of my favourite positions, and for some reason I get the feeling that it is one of yours too.

I was still reeling from the lovely fuck we’d just had (Twice in two days! I was a priviledged girl (^v^) so it didn’t really dawn on me at the time…but starting with nothing? absolutely nothing??

When you really get down to it, everything to a slave beyond simply ‘being’ is a priviledge. Clothes, food, speech, furniture, tv, computer, sleep-anything that I wholy do for me and not for you is a priviledge. I have this feeling that it’s going to be a fairly intense time until I earn back certain things. I’ve got this image of me chained naked to the end of the bed whiling away the hours, punctuated only by occasional visits from you with food and drink. It sounds terrible…but the little trickle between my thighs tells me that my body thinks differently.

I’ve nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Duties

I believe everyone has needs, what comes to pass in a Master slave relationship is the priority of those needs in a slave and the prioritizing capabilities of the Man and his wish to achieve his objective of enslaving a woman. In other words, I believe the Man will utilize your needs and what he sees as priority to best master and enslave you; the process may involve rejecting a need of what a slave defines as a need. I see as a need of most slaves within ownership is the need to be shown the boundries, expectations, and discipline under the hand of the Man who owns them, I see a need for a slave usually to be in understanding of that ownership. Without this need satisfied, there is no real establishment of mastery over her and the process of enslavement is compromised.

Rights, needs, wants, desires, are all very complex within the scope of a relationship between a Man and his slave. But in the end it comes down to the simple fact that the exercising of those by the woman is dependent on the Man who owns her.

There seems to be a lot of talk generally about the needs, wants etc. of a slave but there isn’t a lot on duties. We slaves are always shown as a needy lot, having meltdowns when we’re not used enough, easily lead astray and constantly agonizing over bruises and welts and how to make them last longer (^v^)

So I think I can define the duties of a slave in a nutshell under four headings: honesty, obedience, respect and submission.

1. Honesty- the slave has a duty to be honest at all times and to hide nothing. As property she has no right to withhold information nor misinform.
2. Obedience- the slave has a duty to complete all tasks and carry out everything that is asked of her.
3. Respect- the slave has a duty to use forms of address and modes of speech that reflects her role.
4. Submission- the slave has a duty to yield to the power, authority and desires of their master.This involves asking for priviledges and thanking her master when they are accorded to her.

Is there anything here I’ve missed?

Taking my duty to inform seriously….there is some great info here on shibari:

http://www.kinkyropes.com/tutorials/tutorials.php

Re-emergence

“Welcome back”

“It’s good to be home”

It’s taken me a while but I’m here, where I’m supposed to be, my place, my home.

After twenty one long, hard, terrifying days of teetering on the edge and thinking some very dark thoughts, I’ve seen the light, the glimmer that has illuminated my path. And I’m peaceful. My world is back on track. I’m feeling strong again.

I don’t really know what it was. I was sitting there on the lounge, watching tv when I felt this undeniable urge to go to you. It was this intense need to be near you, I missed you and needed you. It was like you were my air and I was suffocating without you. For a few moments I brushed it off, told myself to stop being silly, that you were just in the other room, that I’d spent most of the day with you, what was the big deal? But I couldn’t. I literally couldn’t stand not to go to you and be with you, then and there, that very second.

So I did. I sat on my chair and rested my head on your lap and you put your arms around me and I was whole. I felt you covering me, protecting me and I felt so very, very small. But most of all, I felt the slave stir within me-that fire in the belly that I can’t quite quench, but that had been so elusive since that day when I lost my collar. And I realized that for the first time that burning need was blazing brighter than the fear that had been threatening to consume me.

On your lap I cried, with the words running through my head “I’ve missed you”, “I need you”, “I’m so happy here in this space”, “I want to come back”, words that at that moment, I couldn’t quite voice. So I cried some more, wondering how I could tell you. Words seemed so cliched and meaningless for what I wanted to convey.

You saw me crying and I’m sure you were puzzled. You hugged me and asked if I was ok.It was now or never.

“I’ve missed you so much….”

“I’ve missed you too.”

“….I think I’m ready now to go back.”

I’d love to know how you felt at that time-what ran through your head. Was it a “Finally! Thank god for that” or was it a “Phew! She came around.” Whatever it was you thought, what you did next was so right.You claimed me and took back what had been yours. It was such a release.

You fucked me long and hard. I sucked greedily after you’d fucked my ass, tasting myself. You grabbed my hair, riding me deep. You squeezed my throat, making me struggle for air that only you can provide.

I was yours and you were pummelling your ownership into me with each demanding thrust.

I slept that night in chains again and the only thing missing was the leash.

I can’t wait for the day when that is returned to me.

The warmth of cold steel

I mentioned in my last entry that I’ve come to realize that I am a slave to being a slave, and that is true on a variety of levels.

I was lying there last night running my hands over the links and feeling like a giddy school girl about to go out on her first date. And I slept one of the deepest sleeps I’ve had in quite a while.I didn’t even feel the slighest bit cramped or uncomfortable-it was just good and felt right.

Thinking back to my ‘meltdown’, I think one of the largest contributing factors was losing getting ‘bedded down’ for the night. It was one thing that was consistent in my life and it was something that you always did with enthusiasm (what is it with prescribed bed times and going to bed anyway (^v^)???) It is a very centering thing and it’s just not quite the same when you do it yourself.

I am looking back over all my entries every now and then and thinking that there is so much “me me me me me” in them. I’m wondering when everything became so centered around me and not you.
Thinking about the rules and rituals that I thought were lacking and yet were there, thinking about the play that I thought was lacking and yet was there….it was all there in some form or another but I just couldn’t ‘see’. It’s probably because I’m such a kind of ‘hit-me-over-the-head-with-it-or-I-ain’t-gonna-know’ kind of girl. There is a stubborn part of me that refuses to accept what is there maybe because once I get what I want, I want more?

Better the devil you know

I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past week or so-learned what I cannot live without, learned some things that have made me a little wiser and for better or for worse I’ve learned to ask for things and to say no.

I have also learned that I am a slave in more ways than one. In a negative way, I am a slave to my preconceived ideas about how things should and should not be, and when we start fresh, throwing those ideas away is going to be my biggest challenge. But in a positive way I’ve also learned that I am a slave to being a slave. It is something that I cannot live without-it’s a part of me, defines who I am and without that role I truly am lost. At this point in time I’m finding freedom scary and the thought of being collared again inviting. Eventhough I’ve said to you that I am afraid of being in the slave ‘space’ again, it’s a fear that I feel I can overcome-being unowned is a fear that I cannot.

But I’m sure you’ve laughed over the past week or so at how little glimmers of service have crept back into our life. I equally enjoy sitting at your feet and snuggling up to you on the lounge and I do feel this overwhelming need to make you coffee! They’re not so much as habits per se, I just prefer to do it.

I was reading over a thread about house rules on collarme and a lot of the so called “gorean” rules are what I am the most attracted to. They seem to have the most structure and ritual. But looking over a lot of the rules written by others,I felt that we were already doing a lot of those things and it dawned on me that I don’t really need more rules, I just need those rules formalized. Did I mention that I like rule books and manuals and handbooks full of guidelines? (^V^)
It just makes things so much simpler- a dress code, a speech code, a behaviour code and consequences for breaking these codes. And these are not for me, these are things that please you, that you want to see or have me do, whatever pleases you. The codes are in fact clear guidelines as to how I can please you-and after all, that is what I’m all about.

If the three major responsibilities of the dominant are discipline, direction and clarity then for the submissive it has to be obedience, submission and honesty- that I will submit to your discipline, follow where you lead and be truthful.

Dom shopping

We are strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in INTIMATE situations. It’s a respite from the way we live OUR everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In another words, don’t look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist.

ABOVE ALL, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally ‘nice guy’ you’re likely on the right track!

Interestingly enough, when I read this little piece of advice oh so many months ago I felt I was on the right track. You said you were very laid back and you seemed like a ‘nice guy’. Wow-the perfect combination. You are still that laidback, nice guy…I wonder what changed within me then????

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am very demanding and controlling. In many ways I’m trying to control this relationship, make it be as I want, make it go the way I want it to go. I don’t think I’ve ever really ‘surrendered’ to you. I think I played at being a slave, doing what I thought a slave ‘should’, complaining about what I thought a slave ‘should’ be doing and what I was not. I was constantly comparing and finding myself lacking. I just couldn’t seem to let go and let you ‘take charge’.

But I guess it’s just my personality-I’m a good planner and a good scheduler. For better or worse, I can carve up and allocate time very well and these plans or schedules are things that I feel comfort in. When I think about it, in my daily life I generally do things exactly the same way every time-before I go to bed I get ready in exactly the same way eg. I take out my eyes in precisely the same order and clean them the prescribed number of times every single day. And I feel wrong if I don’t do it ‘right’. And I’m having a bit of an epiphany about it-instead of cutting myself up about my need to ‘run’ things, I should be thinking about my input into the way our relationship runs as a positive thing-because I am good at it. It’s not me topping from the bottom, it’s me using my talents for the good of the relationship and if the ultimate decision to implement or not implement something rests with you that should be enough. Your decision is final and that should be what counts.

So I’ve thought about a solution to the dilemma-a trial contract for a set period of time. By trial I don’t mean that things will be done ‘half-heartedly’ because it’s just a trial and not the ‘real thing’, I mean that it is not permanent. So during this time we will put into place the routines, the rituals, the checking, the praising etc. everything that we’ve discussed we should do and at the end if we decide that it was good, wonderful! then we’ll go from there…if not we’ll dissolve the relationship and go our seperate ways.
It’s another chance for both of us..what do you think??

Shake ____ ‘n’ roll

Strange as it may sound,
I was at work today and heard a sound on the tv that brought me up short:
The rattle of chains
And it filled me with such a sharp longing that it took my breath away.

I’ve been spending lots of time lately looking at all those nasty pics and videos that I love to peruse when I’m in the mood and there has been a need for copious amounts of playtime. I’m not sure if I’m looking for a release or if I’m after some sort of feeling that connects me to bdsm, but there is definitely something there trying to catch my attention.

You’ve been sick and stressed and a little standoffish these past two days. It’s funny when you’re ‘cool’ or a little ‘harsh’ to me, it makes me want to make you happy, make you smile 1000 times more than when you are kind to me. I think I react very well to the ‘treat ’em mean and keep ’em keen’ philosophy (otherwise known as the ‘battered wife syndrome’)I’ll do everything in my power to brighten your mood when you are down because it sets off these little alarm bells inside me that remind me that nothing bad is going to happen if everyone is smiling. But when you’re happy I get complacent and that’s generally when I unfurl my claws and start getting down to business.

On the flip-side, the vanilla side of me that absolutely hates being shouted at or criticized or cut down in any way, shape or form loves when you’re kind. I love the snuggles and the twinkle in your eye when you smile at me.That’s when I get all girlie and cutesy and play up my feline alter ego.

Expectations and rules and routines have also been playing on my mind alot. I know I could draw up a list of rules and things I think I should have with very little effort. But that would completely defeat the purpose- I’m the one submitting to your desires, it’s not me submitting to rules I made that, by their very nature, are all going to be things I would have no problem with. It’s in these things, the foundation of our daily lives, that I want to feel your hand in. This is where I should be breathing in the skein of your dominion.

Drama queen and attention whore

I’ve been thinking over these past few days as I feel like crap and oh so very blah..that I really, really hate to feel blah. Give me a nice little emotion in a box tied up with ribbon-even hysteria will do-but never give me blah.

It’s that blah in everyday life that I abhor. I like to feel different and special, to be intense and passionate.I’ve been there and done blah-it’s so lifeless and stifling. I ‘like’ pain and marks, humiliation and objectification because it cuts through all the blah and shakes me to the core.

Ok, I’ll admit it…I’m a drama queen and an attention whore. ‘Oh woe is me! Look how good I’ve been!’I soak up attention like soft butter on warm toast-never can get enough!-and love to blow everything up to 100 times its original size. Did I ever mention that exaggeration is my middle name? I can never let a good story go without pumping it full of juciness.

And as the days go by I start to feel really quite silly. Was I over-reacting? Were things really that bad? Was I that unhappy? Have I dragged you over the hot coals enough? What did you do to me that was that bad? Why was I blubbering mess that couldn’t tell up from down?

Kitten bowls and leashes seem like a distant memory (did I really do that?was that really me?) The spell has been broken and I wonder if it ever really was there to begin with.

Missing

When you enter a D/s relationship the submissive or slave is agreeing to the Dominants terms..The Dominant dicates the course of the relationship and all thats involved..thats what your submitting to. Now different dominants have different expectations..you have to find the right one for you…so find out exactly what your committing to before it starts.

I watch you struggle to put your thoughts into words and there’s a part of me that wants to give in and say “It’s ok, you don’t have to” but there’s also a part of me that is feeling satisfaction. It’s the cold, hard part of me that enjoys seeing you squirm and likes to think that your mind is as churned up as mine is. Misery likes company and I’m happy to drag you into the quagmire of my mind and show you what a mess you’ve made.

But I need to know what you want me to submit to. I need to know your expectations of me. They don’t have to be eloquent or flowery, just give them to me in black and white. And the longer it takes, the more I think that you don’t know what you want. Indecision and dominance are two words that I don’t like to see in the same sentence, and I think I have more than enough indecision for both of us.

Through all of this, have I made you doubt yourself? have you looked deep inside and wondered whether you have the strength to own me?
I know that I’m doubting my ability to be owned, to become a slave again..I’m not sure if I’m that strong.

As we snuggled on the couch the other night and your hand squeezed my throat, I fell so easily back into my space (oh god, how I’ve missed that space). I feel so..useless..now and I wanted you to fuck me so badly. You said later that that was not what you had planned and a little part of me sang-that’s exactly what I want, I want you to do whatever you want, whenever you want. That was your natural dominance and I love to see that.

I was thinking that if we did decide to go down the path again (this is just as much my decision as yours)that I would need a trial of fire, an initiation if you will. Something to burn away all the emotional scar tissue that enshrouds me. I’d like you to really hurt me, take away any doubts that I am your slave, that I will submit to all you wish. The thought scares the crap out of me, and it scares me even more that I’m asking for it to be done. But I need that definitive point, that line in concrete that won’t be erased and won’t let me go back.

Renunciation

My head hurts and I just feel like crying all the time. I feel like I’m being pulled in three different directions at once. I enjoyed my time at the gym this afternoon because I didn’t have to think, didn’t have to try to make decisions that I can’t, I could just be and that was fine.

I’ve realized over these past couple of days that you won’t change and I can’t possibly expect you to. You are as you are and in an ideal world I would love you for you who are and that would be enough.I wouldn’t try to change you, pull you out of shape and fit you into a mould of my making.

I’m trapped between my wants, my needs and what you can provide. And I’m asking too much. I have no right to morph you into something you are not. I’m arrogant and selfish. I think no-one tries as hard as me, is as successful, can compete with me on any level. I feel I deserve more, yet I feel a deep, rotting guilt that gnaws away at me so much that I feel that if I don’t leave every relationship with nothing, I’ve left with too much.

I can’t draw my line of satisfaction in concrete-my line that seperates satiation from craving. I draw it in sand and it’s washed away with every breaching wave. I’m never happy with what I have, yet can’t get what I want. Am I asking too much?? Do I expect too much??

I read an article about renunciation that states:
The chains of desire pull us into a life of frustration and suffering while renunciation cuts those chains. Renunciation, though often understood to mean “giving up” is, more accurately, the willingness to experience things as they are, not as we want them to be. Here you discover true freedom — the deep quiet joy that has always been present in you.

Me, who hates to give up, who loves to suffer, who is never happier than when things are ‘all too much’.I wish I could renounce my desires..my wants, my needs…

I can’t let go and just let you be, so I think I’m going to have to walk away and break these ties that are dragging me down. As it is, I’ve lost sight of where and who I am and can’t tell up from down. It’s so hard. And I’m grieving,like I did for my collar. Weaning myself off something that has sustained me for the past 8 months, but which has also been slowly poisoning.

“What do you expect from me?
What am I not giving you?
What could I do for you to make me OK in your eyes?”

….It’s so hard.

Boot camp

A convo with a good friend…

MD:so how’s the slave routine going
K:I’m collarless at the moment…I asked him to take it off
MD:why
K:issues…pretty much what I discussed with you before
MD:well sorry to hear that
K:I don’t think he’s fulfilling his duties
MD:you know why southern plantations had 100’s of slaves dont you…easier to Master to 100’s than Master to 1
K:absolutely..I know it’s tough…but I think I deserve better…so I’m making some decisions now
MD:so what you planning on doing with M63
K:I still haven’t decided..we are doing a lot of talking..I’m trying to show him what is needed..where we both went wrong
MD:talking good talking with action better
K:we’re both going to write up our expectations
MD:he doesnt understand or doesnt appreciate the role needs…check lists good idea
K:yes, my thoughts exactly…and we needed much more communication
MD:still one of the biggest problems is the repetitive nature of the activity and the danger of it becoming routine for one of the players…lot of symbolism in submission…danger of things drifting into domestic co-habitation
K: think lack of routine was a big issue..I needed more boundaries, a clear list of what was expected of me and implications if I didn’t carry them out…a great deal of it is personality too…I’m very serious about everything that I do..he’s been living in the territory too long
MD:sounds like you wanted physical imposition of your status to underscore the mental aspect
K:umm..I was lacking mental reinforcement…I was putting myself into the headspace, not him…I still felt in control
MD:sounds like you want someone to be your drill sargent
K:in many situations yes…not micro-management but I need supervision, need to have things checked, need praise etc
MD:lol new image of bdsm boot camp with heels
K:boot camp in bitch boots?so he’s on trial at the moment..if I can’t see that things will change I won’t ask for my collar back
MD:its a time and mental consumiming activity that requires consistency and daily action
K:yes, and he wasn’t prepared to make the effort…there are ‘places’ I want to go and I’m not sure if he can take me there
MD:well whilst l hope things work out I dont thing changes will occur
K:neither do I..i think you are or you aren’t
MD:my work experience is that while in the short run people make effort to change they slip back to their natural states in 95% of all disciplinary cases
K:yes, what do you think the 5% did to make the change?
MD:they accepted that if they wanted to keep their jobs they had to change
K:I’m trying to make him see that if he doesn’t want to lose me, he has to change
MD:people are funny
K:I want to give him the chance..but I won’t be hurt again…people are fascinating
MD:he might thing you should accept him as who he is not who you want him to be
K:he has mentioned that
MD:well issue is 2 got to be happy to make any relationship work…so you got a time frame for all this
K:time frame..hmm….not sure…2 weeks or so..maybe a bit more..if I decided not to pursue the relationship I’d leave here-no point in staying so I’d have to give 2 weeks notice…it’s been a week already
MD:sounds like you have already determined your going and just seeing time out
K:no, that is not quite true….I’m wavering
MD:must be hard
K:yes, it’s very hard
MD:but I dont see how you are going to measure change
K:conscientious effort…him communicating more with me…we’re going to write up an explicit contract…I’ve communicated with him exactly what I want and he knows that I won’t stand for less
MD:again contracts are alright in theory
K:it’s all I can do…
MD:but the situation is that the slave is the one demanding the terms…and the thing she is demanding is control…which she should be getting anyway
K:no, not demanding, discussing and isn’t it a consensual thing? as you said, we both have to be happy
MD:and you did last time we talked in depth have a conversation and discussion in depth about your needs…so what happened from that…some immediate changes and then a slacking off
K:I know..that’s what I said to him…I don’t have an answer…do you think I’m giving him too many chances?
MD:not for me to say
K:in your personal opinion
MD:but given your experience you would have to a pre determined trigger to say this isnt working and I have to go…and whats the difference between a in depth conversation and contract except one is verbal and one is written…they both are statements that things arent right and changes are required
K:what do you think I should do?
MD:well you have already done it havent you removed his collar…question is do you return to him
K:removed it in the hopes that we could start again
MD:you want to be a slave in every sense for every moment
K:yes
MD:what has he done since you removed the collar
K:he asked me what I wanted to do…I said nothing..that I need time to think…he has written comments in reply to things I have written in my journal…he’s spending more time with me…he has apologized…he is sharing his feelings…he is going to write an ‘offer’ to me
MD:well they are good things in terms of relationship communication
K:I’m not sure what he really could do in this situation…what would you do in this situation?
MD:but are they things that demonstrates to you he wants to be and will be the the type of Master you need
K:how could he do that?
MD:well I would look at myself and my personality and think do I have the things that she needs to be a Master for her for the long term…and if I felt I did I would demonstrate that to you
K:that is one of the things I asked him..I asked if he was confident in doing everything that being my master entails
MD:if l didnt l would be honest and say these things l dont believe l could do or be…and then weigh up on balance where that left us
K:he said he wants to change but said that he couldn’t make a promise
MD:well you have lived with him for how long now
K:8 months
MD:and you have now realised that he doesnt have the qualities you need on a daily basis
K:I am fairly thick-headed
MD:he does have have some good qualities as a person and good qualities in sessions
K:I questioned him about whether what he really wanted was a submissive
MD:but on daily issues he doesnt meet your needs and from what your saying is not likely to on daily basis but may do so on session basis…question is how much do you need
K:I want it all
MD:you want more than he can give…how much can you live without
K:that is my issue..I think he has the potential…but can he deliver?
MD:I dont know that answer
K:either do I…lol
MD:he might not know the answer to that question…but you might…the fact is you removed his collar to force an outcome
K:yes, and to show him how serious I was
MD:and you been setting the rules to determine what happens next
K:yes
MD:so what happened to the pee drinking and dog bowl
K:up until the point where I asked him to remove my collar..I was doing it all…that was my role…that is what I did…now? nothing..we are completely vanilla
MD:so what was not happening was him taking control for the balance of your time at home
K:yes…I needed to know he cared…it annoyed me that he wouldn’t check if I had done things or not…I felt like I was doing all these things to myself…there was no punishment if I didn’t do things..not a word said..not a reprimand of any form…I began to feel ‘what the hell am I doing this for?’
MD:why are you doing it
K:for him..for his pleasure..I never felt his pleasure
MD:why is he doing it
K:he never praised or said he was happy etc.he said he likes the control
MD:remote control
K:yes
MD:every man likes the remote control
K:absolutely..if I could have one, so would I
MD:well you know you cannot change who you are and how you feel
K:yes, I know
MD:why do you expect him to change…he has been in army he has seen how NCO system works he should know how to act
K:I’m not sure whether I expect him to change..I want him to…what is NCO?
MD:non commissioned officer corporals sargents warrant officers
K:how does it work?
MD:they are in charge of enlisted men sets daily work tasks train them led them check on them control them
K:I hope he will change so he doesn’t lose me
MD:punish them when slacking
K:sounds ideal…I think controlling someone takes a lot of skill
MD:takes a lot of effort as well
K:I’m not sure whether he has either
MD:and in domestic situation not lot things you can task them to do to keep them busy 7 dyas week
K:I’m not asking that he keep me busy for every minute…
MD:I know…I’m saying domestic life is domestic life…issue is how you live or play the role

The how and not the why

A conversation he and I had…

K:how are you feeling?
M:better than I have been…somewhat positive
K:didn’t you tell me yesterday that you always think postively?
M:yes I do but thinking and feeling are 2 different things…didn’t get to see much of you today – went to bed practically as soon as you left for gym
K:saturdays generally are low contact days though
M:yes I know – maybe I am just more ‘aware’ at the moment
K:that is a good thing…I was feeling that everyday was saturday
M:I understand
K:it’s kind of good when I stay back at work with you…there’s few distractions
M:yes I know – almost our best ‘quality’ time at the moment
K:ironic but very true
M:see – I am being more open about my feelings…comment about not seeing you today
K:yes, it’s a good start..I can see you are making a conscious effort
M:indeed I am
K:I’m glad to see you’re trying
M:least I can do
K:I did an entry in my journal today…and typed up 2 old ones
M:ahh – will look…you want me to take control
K:I just love this ‘let’s guess what she is really trying to say’ thing…lol
M:indeed
K:I’m sure it must be frustrating
M:not that much – but I have made the mistake of reading the wrong things into your journal before…there is some minor frustration
K:I have no doubt..sometimes I write things and then what I wanted to say comes through to me later
M:understood…you doubt you are slave? interesting – I dont
K:I think basically I wanted to say that I have a lot of doubts in myself at the moment
M:I understand that much
K:and I need some affirmation because I can’t see it in myself
M:k ….
K:I’m not saying that you necessarily need to give it to me
M:is what I was wondering
K:I’m just saying that I am a bit lost..I was reading kaya’s journal today and she had this very thought provoking piece on torture..that’s where that reference came from
M:what stories and movies arouse you?romance novels?
K:arouse?not movies that I like?
M:yes – what style of things do you look at when you are in ‘the mood’
K:umm..there are books and movies that I like in that vein..but I don’t necessarily get ‘aroused’ per se by them…generally things to do with some form of confinement
M:that is my point
K:?
M:you are asking if you are slave inside
K:but I’m not sure whether an interest in confinement can be proof that I am slave inside
M:not proof – indication
K:I like a drink every now and then but I’m not an alcoholic
M:indeed …I am not surprised you are ‘enjoying’ the freedom you have at the moment
K:what makes you say that?
M:I think it is natural…’because you can’…what I dont think is that it would be lasting…there is a core part of you that needs direction
K:I hope so..or everything I’ve said over the past few days has been total crap!..lol…I guess I’m also freaking a bit about enjoying something that is not ‘hard’
M:as in not enduring
K:yes…it feels like cheating…now I’m thinking that I’m really fucked up…
M:I dont think that – it is natural to flex your freedom wings when you have the opportunity
K:anyway..it made me laugh this morning when you came home and said that you’d thought of the perfect punishment for me…because it was what we had discussed last night! lol
M:yes – a week without sex – would you survive…ahh I thought you meant physical sex – not the show
K:a week wihtout physical sex?….ummm….isn’t that fairly normal for us??
M:yes at times – k I was all confused
K:I can see you have a lot of shit happening upstairs too
M:of course…trying to work things out…lots of thoughts floating in space
K:last night we discussed that taking away what I found enjoyable or comforting would be effective as a punishment
M:yes I know – I remember that
K:so we were discussing how I really can’t live without net and sex…
and the threat of losing those would keep me in line
M:it would be effective to start off without any of it – then get rewarded for good behaviour…to install the knowledge it can be taken away
K:yes I can see how that would work…I just had a blinding moment of clarity…my huge underlying issue is that I need to know how things work
M:in what way?
K:I need to understand not just know…I never really accept things until I understand what is behind them, how they tick
M:ahh – the why it is so
K:not necessarily why….the how
M:how you be trained?how it will be
K:umm…just now when you said starting without anything then giving back things for good behaviour to *instill the knowledge that they can be taken away*…just absolutely works for me
M:yes I understand
K:I need to know the method in your madness
M:understood…the reason why…in that you will drink because it shows your service to me
K:no, the why is because you want to, because that is what you want to train me to do…the *how*..how it works on a psycological level is important…can you see the difference between the how and why?
M:yes – I am getting my head around it
K:you know that I endlessly pick things apart..scrutinize everything I feel, read into everything…I analyse to understand
M:you are locked in chains at night to protect my property from being taken away
K:is that how that works?
M:yes in many ways…securely locked for the night
K:I’m assuming that you sleep better knowing that someone isn’t going to run off with your kitten in the middle of the night
M:indeed
K:now, I’m assuming that there is a *purpose* , but not necessarily a *reason* for things that you do
M:you are whipped because it instills the fact I can…demonstrates ownership…as do the marks…there is a purpose for everything
K:phew! thank god for that
M:are you feeling better?
K:I think that I just need to know “how does this train me?”
M:I can understand that…most of it is designed to instill objectification…drinking – no furniture rights etc…the periods without sex are to instill it happens when he wants
K:yes, but I think there are specific purposes…if all you wanted to do was objectify me, then you could tell me to stand in the corner and put a lampshade over my head
M:no there are specifics yes
K:I’m sure that you are not consciously aware of many of them…but I need to know..that is the mental ‘conditioning’ I was telling you that I was lacking…although you could do anything, there are things that you choose to do and others that you don’t
M:well I dont choose to kill you or cause you to be arrested
K:lol…yet
M:well other things first
K:expectations and things like that
M:I am going to hand write it
K:I found it very enlightening..discovering what you want/need is great…I’m really messing with your mind aren’t I?now you’re reading something into everything…welcome to my mind…question….how do you feel about your lack of control over me?
M:as in not having control?
K:yes
M:not an ideal situation at all …
K:atm how do you feel about it?
M:well I see it as something necessary – not wanted on my part
K:yes, but how does it make you *feel*?
M:as a step to a better place…at a bit of a loss…in limbo so to speak
K:not a feeling you’ve had for a while?
M:no
K:you don’t feel frustrated or irritated?
M:in some ways…yes
K:jealous?
M:no not jealous
K:afraid?
M:no…concerned – perhaps
K:concerned for what?
M:losing you
K:you’re heading in the direction of the path to avoiding that
M:that’s good to know .. even if it is in the direction of the path and not the path itself
K:took me a while to get that sentence sounding the way I wanted it to…we’ll turn you into a snag yet…anyway..I shall let you go….thank you again for your honesty

Spinning gold out of straw

I’ve come to a realization that I have too much. Too much choice, too much freedom, how can I make a decision when the choices are endless? Things were a lot simpler when there was just you and me and I put up and shut up.

I don’t like this fear that I am feeling at the moment-fear of setting myself up for failure again, fear that I can never quite be the ‘simple’ slave that I once was, fear that this is not what I want. And I’ve found it very unsettling that I’m enjoying my freedom. It’s great to be able to come home and sprawl out on the lounge and not worry about anybody other than myself. I’d kind of hoped that I’d be in reverse ‘slave shock’ and feel so freaked out by the sudden freedom that I’d want nothing more than to be collared again. But it hasn’t been like that, which makes me question whether that is because deep down inside I’m not a slave.

An M/s relationship looks so gloriously easy on the surface- a symbiotic and stylized expression of love. But it has so much potential to become toxic.Torture and brainwashing are only a fine line from discipline and conditioning, but it can also be just as damaging for the dominant not to take enough power than to take too much.

Potential latently exists in everything-straw can be spun into gold. I know I have the potential to go to certain places, have certain mindsets,live in certain realities.

Weave your magic around me.
Bind me in your spell.
Instill in me the truth that I am your slave.

Testing the waters

These last 4 days have been a test – a test of my resolve and a test of your commitment. You said that you wanted to change, but couldn’t make any promises. And I agree. I really don’t think that anyone can promise anything, especially when it is about personalities or styles. But these last few days I’ve been looking for a glimmer, a hint of something that tells me things can and will be different. I want to see that you are willing to carry half the weight, half the duties and all of the responsiblities that being my Master entails.

I think that this is the only thing that will sway my decision- will allow me to build my trust in you again. But I’m not going to set myself up to be hurt again and if I can’t see a light that will illuminate my steps on the difficult path, I will choose the easy one.

On a completely different topic, one thing I’ve noticed recently is that I’m less horny (^V^)! (Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing)And I think it’s because I can do whatever I want and not need permission. I always find it funny how the minute you can’t do something freely you want to do it.

All talk and no words

I’ve enjoyed immensely our little chats over the past few days. I like having your undivided attention as you bounce off my thoughts, clarifying a little here, expanding a little there. I like looking into your eyes and seeing the kaleidoscope of emotions there.

I did have a little cry after reading your comment to yesterday’s journal entry. Of course hearing that you didn’t want me to leave and your acknowledgement of my pain was special, but I was touched even more so on a basic level by the interaction. That was what I had wanted-to get inside a little of your headspace and to know that you cared.

I think I mentioned today a little about how difficult it has been for me to talk about things, to ask for things, to give you input. This is due mainly to the type of relationship we have and how I feel that it is not really my ‘place’ to say a lot to you (even though I am realizing now that this is not always true), but it has also been because generally speaking, in my eyes, you are infallible. It has really only been now, outside of my slavery that I’ve been able to reproach you, criticize you. Any feelings I had that something was wrong, I tended to look inside myself for the cause because in many ways you were my god.

I had always haboured the hope that you felt something special for me. Secretly I thought that that night when we had people over for dinner and they asked about how you felt towards me that you were ‘lying’. You said that you didn’t love me, but had some feelings towards me. I thought that you were lying because admitting to loving me could complicate things (how can you hurt someone you love?) and I used to love pulling out that thought like a shiny bauble and playing with it, reveling in the idea that you did whenever I was feeling very alone.

I don’t know whether separation is what is required for an M/s relationship to work. Is an aloofness something needed to define the roles and allow for that slight edge of cruelty? Can love work just as easily ala you’ve gotta be cruel to be kind?