Where to begin?
Well, for starters, I am surprised that you read my journal. All through my time here I have been writing down the myriad of thoughts that goes through my brain in an attempt to clear away some of the clutter. My conflicting thoughts, my confusion, my lack of understanding and my epiphanies, they are all here in black and white. Although I originally started this journal for you, somewhere along the line it became so much more my journal. I would mention I’d written in it, I would tell you I’d written in it, I would ask you to read it, but you wouldn’t or you would and wouldn’t tell me that you had. You made few if no comments and because the journal was an outpouring of my feelings to you, a collection of things that I wanted you to know about me, I started to feel that you didn’t care-that you didn’t want to know me, didn’t want to know what I thought, what I wanted.
Like a well worn leather belt, like a broken-in pair of shoes that feel so comfy, people use what they love. There are also things that you put away, too good to be used, that are kept in their pristiline state. These things gather dust and fade and are eventually thrown away. Which feels more valued?
Although the decision to leave was mine and mine alone to make, in many ways I feel like I had no choice. I do feel like I have been lead down the garden path a little. Remember our chat sessions? You painted these glorious pictures in my head of how my life would be. Here I was buying whips and collars-‘only the best’ you said because they would ‘last longer’-softening balm for the rope, cleaning waxes for leather which lay in the cupboard untouched gathering dust.Candles, needles, piercing gear…boxes of things laying in the cupboard gathering dust. You told me how you liked entertaining at home, enjoyed being active, were fit, experienced in all things, you had a lot of friends, knew many things and had been many places. My dreams were puffed up until they were ready to burst. You had everything I wanted and although I was moving to a place I’d never been before and where I knew no-one, I thought you’d take me under your wing and show me things, introduce me to people. The only time we went anywhere was when I organized it-our trip to the rock. Kink and life….they both need to be in balance.I’m sure you can understand my frustration.
Now, I’m not saying that I’m perfect either-photos on low-resolution cameras can hide so much. I’m sure I was different in person to what you expected me to be. But I don’t think I had you believing anything about myself that wasn’t true.
I also can’t compete with computer games that whisk you away from reality for hours and hours. If you’re not at work, you’re gaming or sleeping. There is nothing else. Inside the game it’s a comfy space where there are no mediation sessions, no mounting debts and where you play out your time doing as you wish. I can understand why you enjoy being there so much, but I think you have a problem. Could you stay away from the computer entirely for a whole day? 24 hours? Could we have a conversation about something other than the game?The boys come over to see you, not to watch tv and play computer games. No wonder they have a hard time going home at the end because they probably feel like they haven’t really ‘seen’ you at all.
I was gravitating there for a while eventhough I had ‘made’ my decision -it’s only natural. As I’ve always said I wanted to give you as many chances as possible. It was a symbol of my committment and to show you how much I wanted things to work. Without my submission there is no ‘us’, but on the other side of the coin without your dominance there is no ‘us’ either. You were quite within your dominant rights to fight for me and I thought I was showing you how willing I was to be chased down and pulled back to cave by my hair. But you weren’t looking for the signs and I think that that is an indication that you really didn’t want to.
I’m reading back over this and it seems kind of harsh, but it’s things that I think you need to know. And I so wish that you would talk to me. I don’t care if you don’t have anything positive to say, at least I’d have something to bounce off and we’d have some interaction. You might feel better if you got some things off your chest too.
Healing can be found in a variety of things.