Where to begin? Well, for starters, I am surprised that you read my journal. All through my time here I have been writing down the myriad of thoughts that goes through my brain in an attempt to clear away some of the clutter. My conflicting thoughts, my confusion, my lack of understanding and my epiphanies,... Continue Reading →


I often forget just how important they are. Everything else in my life comes and goes but thank god my family is always there. They are my rock, my grounding force and I love them to death. I really do take them for granted and am so crap at keeping in touch. I wonder what... Continue Reading →

The plunge

I'm wondering why it has taken me so long to finally make a decision and write that little piece of paper to hand in stating my last day of work. I suppose it's more a reality check than anything. Doing something that involving dates or times or places makes it seem so final and set... Continue Reading →


I slept last night in cuffs. I'm not sure exactly what I was hoping to feel, if I wanted to be uncomfortable or feel the restriction or what, but I didn't sleep very well regardless. There is this mammoth difference between cuffing yourself when you're owned and when you're not owned. There was nothing there,... Continue Reading →


I'll confess. I'm a binge drinker, a binge eater and a binge bondagee. Like an alcoholic with a flask hidden in their drawer, like a bulimic counting their calories, I plan and calculate nasty things to do to my self. I can go for days, weeks without the 'need' for bondage but when the binge... Continue Reading →

One man’s treasure

One of the most interesting paradoxes about slavery is that although you are a slave without rights and without humanity in many ways, you are valued as property and are draped in the most exquisite chains that are invisible to the naked eye. Slaves are precious and of exceptional value-they don't just come along everyday... Continue Reading →

In the name of….

Justifying, blame-putting, finding a scapegoat, call it what you will, we all have a habit of not taking responsibility. Compared to 'Western' cultures, Japanese society is very focused on taking responsibility. The news is littered with the resignations, public apologies and resulting suicides of people in authority. They take the blame, take their lives and... Continue Reading →

Leave a light on for me

A funny thing happened in bed yesterday morning. I was snuggling up, as I so often do, and he said to me "You do confuse me." (Somehow I really don't think that would be too hard because I confuse the crap out of myself most of the time.) As I'd predicted, he was wondering why... Continue Reading →


One of the most prominent thoughts on my mind at the moment is 'Will I ever find another?' Several months ago when I had a discussion with a friend about the trial and things that were happening at the time, we talked about the chances of me finding someone compatible and who was into 'stuff'... Continue Reading →

The end of an era

Although it seems like a lifetime ago, it's been a week since we sat down and I told him of my decision. It was a gradual thing that I was playing with constantly at the back of my mind, and while it seemed to creep up on me in that I'd reflect within and the... Continue Reading →

Deja vu

While doing the washing up I was composing my journal entry as I do when I have those quiet moments-those times for reflection and copious amounts of muttered venting and fuming-and realising that after 9 months here, I'm almost back to where I started, in an unhappy vanilla relationship, sex and play-starved and with only... Continue Reading →

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