It’s been six weeks of adjusting and pondering. Adjusting to your ways, your expectations and your idiosyncrasies, while pondering my body image issues, my slave fantasy, my slave reality and most of all about my life with you.
The fact that you value me so much makes me immensely happy, but it also scares me at the same time. It raises questions in my mind about whether you can do what is necessary as my Master. I see now there are times when you indulge me when I don’t feel that I should be. I often use these interactions as ways of testing my leash, my ‘life line’, I give it a good tug and see what happens. I sometimes need you to be harsh and cruel and to hold onto my leash so tightly that it hurts.
As you say, you own me, you control me. I get freedom and release from your ownership. I talked to you the other day about ‘place putting’ and I see you putting me in the head-space of a slave as a way of ‘living my slavery’.
To tell you the truth, I’m happy that you’ve put ‘restrictions’ on my communication with others. I don’t see it as an injustice or as the first step in you ‘cutting me off’ from the outside world. I see it as you exerting your control and authority over me. I liked you laying down the law. I liked the threat of severe punishment. I like the fact that you keep tabs on me and care enough about me to do so.
I think we’re both very guarded and defensive. In this type of relationship you open yourself up so much more to be hurt, but you can only get out of something as much as you put in. If you fear and hold back, you won’t experience the maximum potential of anything.
You asked me if I am happy . It is hard for me to say ‘yes’. Being happy is my ultimate goal, it has been the motivation behind everything that I’ve done since deciding to leave Japan. I’ve thought about happiness so much that I’m not sure what it even is anymore. I see is as a sort of spiritual fulfillment, a peace that permeates deep into the soul. ‘To be happy’ is a state of being, it’s a frame of mind and a destination on a certain journey.
I’m not at that stage where I can simply ‘be’ . I am not satisfied with myself as I am and I don’t have the generousity of heart to accept what cannot be changed. I don’t think I’ve reached the culmination of my inner search yet. I’m looking for me as I’m supposed to be and perhaps I will find that me and perhaps I won’t, but I’ll need to be able to accept what I find either way.
What I do have at the moment is joy. You said the tone of my journal entries has changed and that I smile a lot more. Things were very bleak and dark inside me for quite some time and I now feel a lot brighter and lighter and that is because of you. You have accepted and welcomed me and taken a great risk. Funnily enough, we never really had that ‘uncomfortable getting to know you stage’ . We just seemed to take off from where we left off and it’s been like coming home. You’ve been patient and tolerant and I am so grateful for the effort that you’ve put into me. We are both intense and passionate people and I think we both know that there is more to life than what we see on the surface.
I always wanted to be someone’s pet project and I’ve always felt this niggling calling that my purpose in life is to bring pleasure. I’ve never wanted the big career with the well-paying job and power suits. Mindless paper pushing and staring into computer screens never quite seemed like what I was supposed to do- I want to feel useful and be valued. You said that you’ve never felt so alive and you have never felt so much pleasure. It gives me so much joy to hear you say that. I think I’ve awoken something in you and I hope you discover much more within yourself.