“Haven’t you figured it out yet? Your use is going to be so much more than what you desire.”
This statement of Master’s has been buzzing around my head for the past couple of days. It presents a triad of paradoxes- my wants versus my needs versus my reality.
He is slowly breaking me down. I can feel it. He is trying to make me need more than I want and turning my reality into something more than I need or want. He is turning my reality into something that he wants.
It’s interesting. He plants seeds and waits until the vines of ideas grown and I entwine myself. Take for example the party on the weekend. All week long he had been promising me this, telling me that, until I wasn’t quite sure whether I was going to be taken to the party naked or stripped then and there and beaten to a pulp. Come the night of the party and he was letting me chose my own outfit and was ready to walk out the door without an implement of torture in sight.
Not too long ago I would have waltzed out the door in sweatpants with the only thing in my hand being the plate of ‘oovie doovies’ to add to the feast. Instead, here I was getting dressed in a breast harness and a teensy little skirt with nothing underneath, and making running up behind him making suggestions along the lines of “How about we take Mr. Strap?” In hindsight, it’s really quite scary. He’s helping to entrap me and I’m devoting myself to spinning the web.
Mixed in amongst my conversation with my mother on Sunday, was talk of whether she used to smack me or not. All of my childhood memories of my mother are a bit hazy. I remember her doing a lot of screaming and crying and storming this way and that, but I don’t actually remember the ‘discipline’ side of things, so I asked.
“Yes, I smacked you once I remember. I don’t know what it was about, but you dug your heels in and wouldn’t budge. You were biting on your bottom lip and giving me that look. I don’t think it would have mattered how hard I had smacked you. You were still going to do what you wanted to do.”
When I get an idea in my mind, nothing on earth will budge me. Apparently I’ve been like that since a very young age. I think Master knows this and is using the ‘reverse-psychology’ thing on me. I wonder what he’s going to do now that I know what he’s up to (^v^)