I make a lot of mistakes.
Sometimes it feels like this blog is just a collection of my fuck-ups, both big and small.
Mistake 1: I told Master I couldn’t do something without even trying.
(This in the slave girl world, is akin to saying “No”, that word of all words that is guaranteed to cause trouble.)
Mistake 2: I then cried when he got angry and I still didn’t do it.
Mistake 3: Then I got angry at him for ‘setting me up to fail’ (by trying to make me do something that I’ve told him before that I have issues with) and gave him the frosty treatment.
Mistake 4: Twenty four hours later I knew I had been wrong and still didn’t apologise for treating him like shit.
Mistake 5: He dropped me off at uni, picked me up from uni, bought me salt, chamomile and emu oil for my pussy, baked me a banana cake and cooked Japanese for dinner even though I had treated him like shit and I wasn’t appreciative enough.
Mistake 6: Instead I wrote a self-defending comment on his blog and made him look like the bad guy-again.
Mistake 7: Somewhere along the line I managed to piss him off- either with the comment or by something I said or the lack of an open apology or by a mixture of all three and now he’s being frosty to me.
Mistake 8: But this, more than anything else, was my big huge mistake that started it all off. I opened my mouth even though I am pre-menstrual.
(I know it’s a typical girlie excuse, but I don’t have any other reason for why a generally rational and decent human being (moi) treats others like shit, and in particular, the one who does the most for her and is the nicest. So, I’m sorry.)
I don’t mean to make him look like the bad guy. For some reason he really does bring out the worst in me. If I was looking at myself, I’d see the spoiled, petulant brat who doesn’t appreciate how good she has it and who should be kissing her Master’s feet for deigning to keep her this way.
The kinder he is to me, the more I want to hurt him. I don’t know whether it’s me trying to get back some control, or just the fact that I feel that he is ‘safe’ and I can be ugly, secure in the knowledge that he will take my ugliness in his stride.
It puts me in this little cycle of self-loathing where I lash out at him, then hate myself for it, then lash out again because I’m hating myself. The cycle just keeps on going.
I’m not nearly as patient as he is. If our positions were reversed, I would have decollared this piece of shit slave long ago. And before anyone else says otherwise, no, I’m not good. If I were good, I’d be trying to break the cycle or change myself or do something. I just really feel powerless about myself, screaming silently on the inside while I say or do something else that is so hurtful.
I’m sorry, that’s all can say. I’m so sorry. I can’t say that I won’t do it again, because I know I will. But I am sorry.