Mistakes

I make a lot of mistakes. 
Sometimes it feels like this blog is just a collection of my fuck-ups, both big and small.

Mistake 1: I told Master I couldn’t do something without even trying. 
(This in the slave girl world, is akin to saying “No”, that word of all words that is guaranteed to cause trouble.)

Mistake 2: I then cried when he got angry and I still didn’t do it.

Mistake 3: Then I got angry at him for ‘setting me up to fail’ (by trying to make me do something that I’ve told him before that I have issues with) and gave him the frosty treatment.

Mistake 4: Twenty four hours later I knew I had been wrong and still didn’t apologise for treating him like shit. 

Mistake 5: He dropped me off at uni, picked me up from uni, bought me salt, chamomile and emu oil for my pussy, baked me a banana cake and cooked Japanese for dinner even though I had treated him like shit and I wasn’t appreciative enough.

Mistake 6: Instead I wrote a self-defending comment on his blog and made him look like the bad guy-again.

Mistake 7: Somewhere along the line I managed to piss him off- either with the comment or by something I said or the lack of an open apology or by a mixture of all three and now he’s being frosty to me.

Mistake 8: But this, more than anything else, was my big huge mistake that started it all off. I opened my mouth even though I am pre-menstrual. 
(I know it’s a typical girlie excuse, but I don’t have any other reason for why a generally rational and decent human being (moi) treats others like shit, and in particular, the one who does the most for her and is the nicest. So, I’m sorry.)

I don’t mean to make him look like the bad guy. For some reason he really does bring out the worst in me. If I was looking at myself, I’d see the spoiled, petulant brat who doesn’t appreciate how good she has it and who should be kissing her Master’s feet for deigning to keep her this way. 

The kinder he is to me, the more I want to hurt him. I don’t know whether it’s me trying to get back some control, or just the fact that I feel that he is ‘safe’ and I can be ugly, secure in the knowledge that he will take my ugliness in his stride. 

It puts me in this little cycle of self-loathing where I lash out at him, then hate myself for it, then lash out again because I’m hating myself. The cycle just keeps on going. 

I’m not nearly as patient as he is. If our positions were reversed, I would have decollared this piece of shit slave long ago.  And before anyone else says otherwise, no, I’m not good. If I were good, I’d be trying to break the cycle or change myself or do something.  I just really feel powerless about myself, screaming silently on the inside while I say or do something else that is so hurtful. 

I’m sorry, that’s all can say. I’m so sorry. I can’t say that I won’t do it again, because I know I will. But I am sorry.

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7 thoughts on “Mistakes

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  1. some part of people just are not slave and you are acting out against the whole meaning of the word, ie, your master.
    myself, i would have given up on you long ago mainly because i see me in you, in the way you act out against your masters wishes.

    have you ever thought that maybe just maybe he does what he does to help you overcome your stumbling blocks (number 3)regardless of your issues with whatever it is? being a slave means not doing only what you want to do, its being put to the test and at most times being put to the test on the spot.
    if slaving is too hard for you, then try and change it or leave it because its not about how you want things its about what your master wants and what you agreed to.

    and saying “no” is sacralidge.

  2. cycles

    Oh, how i can relate to this.
    i try hard to let things go, yet that seems to be my failure at times. To accept..and move on.
    Also, other times, impatience. i don’t give Him time to fix the issue in His own way or manner/timeframe.
    i throw a fit that i punish myself for later. 😦
    And “this too shall pass”… seems to always come to mind.
    As well as this:
    “For one human being to love another, that is the most difficult of all our tasks;
    the ultimate, the last test of proof, the work for which all other work is preparation.”
    “So you must not be frightened, if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever seen;
    if a restiveness, like light and cloud-shadows, passes over your hands and over all you do.
    You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you,
    that it holds you in its hand; It will not let you fall.” ~Rilke

  3. It’s OK

    i have been lurking for weeks, i have to send virtual hugs to you from the States.

    it’s OK to push back, and it’s OK to have things that you don’t want to do. yes it’s His job to push those boundaries, but it’s OK to feel conflicted. You, my dear, are not a bad slave. You are not a bad slave for the simple fact that you are aware of what you are doing and you care about the effect it is having on your Master. And on yourself. You are a human being before you are anything else, and humans have very real emotions and feelings. You can’t suppress them to appease someone else; it just doesn’t fit. Those of us who read your writing know that your Master is a good man, he is caring towards you, he takes care of you. I have a feeling He wouldn’t do that for a bad slave. Don’t be so hard on yourself, and maybe take a look at what it is you think you are so bad at. Maybe it’s a real boundary for you. If your Master is as terrific as he sounds, He will help you through this, and hold you tighter when you need it most.

    ~Fanta_Cee

  4. Re: It’s OK

    No, it’s not ok, and that’s the problem.

    Master can only do so much, other than that it’s up to me. I don’t think I can cross the divide.

    But thanks for the comment and hugs.

    k

  5. Re: It’s OK

    See, I experience slavery exactly the other way around.

    The difference between being a slave and being a voluntary sub, a domestic, or a bottom is that a submissive can only do so much to submit themselves. After that — to move a relationship into the space that makes it slavery — it’s up to the master.

    *NO* submissive can cross that divide by themselves. It’s the essence of slavery to be pulled across the divide, by an owner, to where you can’t go back.

    This probably isn’t much help for you right now as you’re in a lot of pain and you seemto be having trouble looking at yourself in an objective light. But I hope you’re able to reach a little more clarity and peace soon.

    Krista
    proudflesh@hotmail.com

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