Leaerning experiences

Halfway through my second stint of prac teaching, I’ve realised that I’m putting one of my favourite bdsm techniques into play to get me through – the “it’s not going to kill me” technique. I’m just focusing on the end, gritting my teeth and bearing it. The way I’m feeling at the moment, I don’t think they could even pay me enough to be a high school teacher…lol.

Anyways, I’ve got one more week to go and then I can ‘relax’ with lectures and a flood of assignments for a few months before my final six-week stint of prac that will finish up my postgrad diploma in education. This degree is three years of an undergraduate dip ed squeezed into one and definitely not for the faint hearted. I have a piece of paper that qualifies me to teach adults and that is what I have done for about 10 years. You would think that teaching is teaching, but once you’re in front of a class of thirty thirteen year olds, you realise that you’re not in Kansas anymore Toto.

Once I finish, I’ll then have to think about what I really want to do and a lot depends on Master’s work and where he ends up being. As the slave in this relationship, I’m the one that tags along with Master’s plans and that’s just fine by me. I’ve moved into the realm of zero responsibility for myself and my actions and while, I’m not sure whether it’s a good thing or not, I have a feeling that it’s another step on my way to slavery.

This idea of zero responsibility seems to have lodged itself in my brain sometime after my last phunk. It is a growing awareness that everything I do and the way I am is “allowed” by Master, therefore it must be okay because he has “okayed” it. I used to worry that I was somehow controlling things and that he was doing things for me even if he didn’t really want to, but now I understand that everything that happens is by his design and that he really does want to do it. More importantly, I’m understanding that I’m okay because if I wasn’t he would ‘fix me’ so therefore I have nothing to worry about.

I’m stopping second guessing him and working under the belief that everything is good with our world because he controls it. Ideally, I should also be able to acquiesce with his wishes without copious amounts of wheedling and shirking of duties, but unfortunately zero responsibility is not connected with obedience. 

O B E D I E N C E child!!!! Hopefully that will be the topic of my next enlightening brain wave.


5 thoughts on “Leaerning experiences

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  1. I don’t have to listen and I’m not obedient so it doesn’t matter for me.
    Don’t worry about it, since you’re okay the way you are for your Sir that means you are obedient enough to pass. -k

  2. Zero responsibility has trememdous freedom in it, yet it is a double end sword in that it is a hard concept to actually acheive! (For me) Trust has so much to do with it, as well as my own ego. I did it in baby steps. (understanding I trusted him, more and more, and the surrender of my will, and that part that knows what’s best for me.)
    It’s hard, but very possible.
    Btw, I’ve been following along here for some time now, but have just “delurked”. I would like to add you to my friends list, if you don’t mind.

  3. Welcome-I’m always happy to have another de-lurker!

    Ego…this is something that I have been wrestling with for a while. I identified my need to have my ego fed and the fact that I need to lose my ego(or at least tone it down) in order to be a better slave…but I haven’t done anything proactiv towards making it that way.

    Trust…also an issue. Although he knows me exceptionally well, does he really know what’s best for me? I think it something that needs time- even though we sound like an old married couple, the 10 months we’ve been together hasn’t nearly been long enough.


  4. I absolutely agree it takes time, to build anything, and most especially a complex dynamic. Trust can be fragile, as well.
    My experience was that my Master very actively focused on building trust, intensely in the beginning, doing odd little games and giving me particular tasks, to promote it’s growth. It really can be a ‘chicken or the egg?” kind of thing, ego/will — and/or versus trust, at times.
    New topic: It also sounds like you have an extremely full plate, and lots of pressure! Yikes! (Fainthearted, indeed!)
    (Time does do incredible things.) You *have* been moving forward, and that in itself does quite a bit! -just an (unbidden) observation from an inocent (lurker)bystander!-lol
    mel 🙂

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