The unattainable

Well, after 30 minutes I finally managed to get the blood flow back into my fingers enough that I can type! Yay! Have I mentioned that cold weather and bad circulation don’t mix??

I just got off the phone from Master. I read his latest blog in which he’d mentioned that I hadn’t ‘come through’ with the phone call before bed last night and he sounded a bit miffed so I thought an immediate phone call would be in order. Before I left, I told him of my plan to get some dial up internet time and recharge my mobile so we could talk, to which he was disinterested and said, ‘You’re going home to see your family, not chat with me.’ You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Shesh…boys! Lol.

So Master has written down his list of what he ‘wants in a slave’ and I’ve looked it over. No surprises there- in a nutshell, obedience and boots. He’s quite an easy man to please (^v^)

In my meltdown of about a month ago, one of my biggest issues was what he wanted and whether I could really be that. Sometime in the past ten months, I finally admitted to myself that I will never be the ‘perfect slave’ and if perfect obedience and and acquiescence without a hint of whinging and moaning was what he wanted, then I could never give him that. It’s not that I won’t try, it’s just that it’s not me.

Master also has a ‘thing’ where he likes to see me struggle and enjoys slapping me back down if I start standing up too high. He’s said it himself on a couple of occasions, that he likes to ‘play’ with me and see me beg and plead and try to wheedle my way out of things. I know that I can ask for dispensation, I know that I can beg and plead, and while I have this knowledge, I’m never going to immediately do something without a murmur simply because he told me to do it. Perfect obedience is never going to be the product of a system which is flexible, and not that I’m capable of perfect obedience anyway, but give me an inch and I’ll take a yard.

Master says he doesn’t want a ‘perfect slave’ but in the same breath he says that he wants me to carry out his orders without demur. It’s interesting. He says he is ‘unhappy’ with my current performance as a slave and that I could do better if I applied myself more. Very true. But what’s in it for me? What do I get for being a better slave? More rules and more pain? Hmmm…doesn’t sound like something I want to sign myself up for.

Maybe I should stop right here. I’m not sure if I should be writing this blog now. I’m getting very negative and I’ll probably pay for it later. I have a dinner date tonight with someone that I’d be happy to bury 6 feet under and it’s put me in anargumentative mood. Damn fathers.

 

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6 thoughts on “The unattainable

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  1. l want say enjoy your evening but at least l hope you survive it.

    l am getting concerned about your white finger and l might not let you go back home in winter again and make it summer time only visits home.

    l didn’t expect you to call home whilst your away but its nice when you do.

    Nothing new between us, your a slave l’m a Master.

    I like boots and pain and you prefer sex and bondage.

    Let’s just admit we enjoy being with one another and leave it at that.

    I have missed the banter and just before bed chats

    As l said a very short leash when you come home

    Master

  2. The gist is – and I realized that some slaves didn’t get that in a couple of years of being into slavery – that as a dominant person, you want your orders to be executed, but you also want to care about that. If there’s a slave that does exactly what you want from him or her every time, you’d get bored so fast. That’s why slaves get more complex tasks over the time, keeping the slave busy and the master entertained.
    There are relationships where that’s given, but only because both of them know about it and ‘enforce’ it, like the slave being intentionally unobedient to enforce disciplinary means. Then there are relationships like yours apparently is, being well-balanced with a slave like you being exactly at the border between saying >I can’t do it anymore< and >Yeah, no problem< , and that's the reason why your blog - your written down emotions - is so entertaining to read. I don't know how your sessions go and stuff like that, but from what I can tell, you match each other quite well.

    ~Raven

  3. I’ve finally felt brave enough to add you to my friend’s list (few people read my journal, but they don’t know of my interest in D/s or my past participation in D/s. in a way I’m starting to “come out” about it. first step.)
    Your blog has inspired me, it’s really been the first contact with a “real” slave that I’ve had. It’s shown me a lot. Thanks, for just being here.

    (I was going to post this on your more recent entry, but given your Master’s comment, I’d leave my drivel away from it.)

  4. time for a change

    But what’s in it for me? What do I get for being a better slave? More rules and more pain? Hmmm…doesn’t sound like something I want to sign myself up for.

    Interesting question, if you don’t do it your in for a shit load of pain my sweet little slave as l cane your arse into obedience. If you do it then your in for some spoiling and treats and doing things you enjoy as a reward for your lovely gift of submission, acceptance and obedience.

    It’s not about you is it, it’s not what you want, your still in the wrong space in your thinking, if l am happy than you will be happy, if l am upset you will be in pain and torment.

    Yes you will have pain whether your obedient or not, question is not being obedient will be more frequently painful for you than just being caned for my pleasure.

    So l guess you have to decide what’s best in the long run, obedience seems to me to be the easier option and one that is attaintable by you even in your current wavering mind state with ample rewards, (you know l love to spoil you) or disobedience or disclination to do what is required unless compelled which means education applied rigoursly to your arse and more limitations and requirements to ensure you understand that your no longer in control of your life l am and you belong to me and you will do as your told and you will please me over and over again till l am satisfied wiht your performance and attitude

    Being a slave is hard, doing what another wants is contrary to everything you have ever thought or done in your past 30 years, but remember my darling little animal, you weren’t happy with what and who you were, you weren’t happy with how you lived your life. That’s why you became a slave to escape from your self and to enable someone to control you and use you for their sexual pleasure, so you could achieve a sense of personal use and achievement as an object.

    I think its going to be Zen like experience for you achieving happiness through devotion to your duties as a slave.

    Your slave tasks are your salvation, you will earn your happiness through your tasks, my collar is there for a reason and you know you won’t and can’t remove it, so your struggle and fight against it is futile but delightful.

    You can oppose my ownership or you can embrace it, but you cannot change it as your remaining my marked property in your collar on your leash in your boots.

    Master

  5. I’m so happy you felt brave enough to add me *hugs*

    You do realise that once you start ‘coming out’ it’s a slippery slope to public exhibitionism, don’t you? Lol..

    k

  6. *hugs*

    haha, I’m not incredilby sure about that, I’d have to find the right person to “make” me do something out in public. I’m a big stickler for not breaking (some, like public nudity) laws. And other then the inital questions.. I’ve realized that it most likely won’t make that much of a difference. (Of course, I’m not telling my parents since I’m 19 and live at home.)

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