Well, after 30 minutes I finally managed to get the blood flow back into my fingers enough that I can type! Yay! Have I mentioned that cold weather and bad circulation don’t mix??
I just got off the phone from Master. I read his latest blog in which he’d mentioned that I hadn’t ‘come through’ with the phone call before bed last night and he sounded a bit miffed so I thought an immediate phone call would be in order. Before I left, I told him of my plan to get some dial up internet time and recharge my mobile so we could talk, to which he was disinterested and said, ‘You’re going home to see your family, not chat with me.’ You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Shesh…boys! Lol.
So Master has written down his list of what he ‘wants in a slave’ and I’ve looked it over. No surprises there- in a nutshell, obedience and boots. He’s quite an easy man to please (^v^)
In my meltdown of about a month ago, one of my biggest issues was what he wanted and whether I could really be that. Sometime in the past ten months, I finally admitted to myself that I will never be the ‘perfect slave’ and if perfect obedience and and acquiescence without a hint of whinging and moaning was what he wanted, then I could never give him that. It’s not that I won’t try, it’s just that it’s not me.
Master also has a ‘thing’ where he likes to see me struggle and enjoys slapping me back down if I start standing up too high. He’s said it himself on a couple of occasions, that he likes to ‘play’ with me and see me beg and plead and try to wheedle my way out of things. I know that I can ask for dispensation, I know that I can beg and plead, and while I have this knowledge, I’m never going to immediately do something without a murmur simply because he told me to do it. Perfect obedience is never going to be the product of a system which is flexible, and not that I’m capable of perfect obedience anyway, but give me an inch and I’ll take a yard.
Master says he doesn’t want a ‘perfect slave’ but in the same breath he says that he wants me to carry out his orders without demur. It’s interesting. He says he is ‘unhappy’ with my current performance as a slave and that I could do better if I applied myself more. Very true. But what’s in it for me? What do I get for being a better slave? More rules and more pain? Hmmm…doesn’t sound like something I want to sign myself up for.
Maybe I should stop right here. I’m not sure if I should be writing this blog now. I’m getting very negative and I’ll probably pay for it later. I have a dinner date tonight with someone that I’d be happy to bury 6 feet under and it’s put me in anargumentative mood. Damn fathers.