Service vs Security

Even if you haven’t picked up anything else from this blog, the one thing that you will have picked up is that I’m not a very ‘service-orientated’ slave.

I’ve read and marvelled about subbies who enjoy cleaning the house, cooking, cleaning, washing and doing all the domestic duties for their domly ones.They thrive while making coffee ‘just so’ and presenting it to their master on bended knee and positively glow from ironing perfectly straight creases into domly ones’ boxers. I wish that was me. Domestic duties hold about as much excitement for me as menstrual cramps.

I do the bare minimum of household cleaning and fortunately I’m blessed with a Master who is not anal about cleaning and who has serious gourmet flair, and what’s more, he actually ENJOYS cooking. (he’s mine girls…stay away!) The only way I can generally get through the cleaning is by bribing myself to get the job done by ‘rewarding’ myself with some WoW time or something yummy as a treat once it’s done. Cleaning is painful stuff. Maybe I need to start doing the ‘it won’t kill me’ mantra for this form of pain play too.

I’d love it if I got a subbie buzz from service. There are some very rare occasions when I imagine how pleased Master will be with a sparkling bathroom and I clean with a bit more vigour, but mostly I just do it because it needs to be done.

The joy in being owned for me is not about pleasing Master through service, it’s about being secure in the knowledge that I am wanted enough to be ‘owned’-that someone just doesn’t want to ‘be with’ me, but wants to ‘own’ and ‘keep’ me. I want me to be pleasing, not necessarily what I do.

Along the same vein, I’m not sure if it’s because I’m getting older or what, but doing things just for the sake of doing them, seems to be a big old waste of time to me. I remember that once upon a time in a different period of slavery for me, I used to have ‘tasks’and a list of things to do like compulsory blog entries and daily enemas and so on. It never really did anything for me in terms of putting me in a ‘slave headspace’ or making me feel ‘owned’. I think the biggest reason for this was that there wasn’t any checking or feedback from my owner. I got it into my head that it wouldn’t matter if I stuck to the rules or not and it seemed that my owner didn’t give a toss whether they were done or not. I felt that he didn’t care and therefore there was no point. I mean, it’s not like I’m a masochist and that I actually got some sort of ‘perverse’ pleasure out of the crushing force of three litres of water on my bladder for thirty minutes and I didn’t get anything at all out of the ‘service’ aspect of the tasks. I wasn’t getting anything out of it and eitherwas my owner. That whole ‘experiment’ in tasks was a big fat failure.

Master and I are discussing at the moment, how we can improve my slavery and whether some sort of organization of my day is in order. I’d already thought about some lists of domestic duties just to get me a bit more motivated into the cleaning thing, but I don’t really see the point in doing other tasks just for the sake of keeping me occupied.

Master and I have a thing whereby I get dressed in fetish wear and wait kneeling for him by the door on days when I am home before him and we have a nightly banter session in his bed where we bond and talk about our days. Other than that if he wants something he yells out ‘Bitch! Coffee!’ or ‘Bitch! Remote control!’ and I bring him the necessary item. That’s about the extent of my slavery on a daily basis. In terms of ‘play’ he might out of the blue tell me, “Naked, on my bed!” and I’ll go and get appropriately naked, chain myself to his bed and await his pleasure, whether it be to receive a caning, a ravishing or provide him with relaxation. These are all little things in our life that I think fit in well and do keep us out of the vanilla doldrums, but you’ll notice there isn’t a lot of service in there…lol.

Master wants to take greater ‘advantage’ of his slave and is thinking about other things we can do and how he can keep a balance between my time for him and time I need for study etc. He’s also thinking about how he can help me to ‘feel’ my slavery more and become more obedient. It’s an on-going discussion between us at the moment and most of our chats have been about this topic. It’s interesting because in these chats he often realises something crucial about me that I’ve thought he knew and understood totally, but he hadn’t.

There’s always more to learn-for both of us.

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One thought on “Service vs Security

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  1. l don’t know why l haven’t twigged the why before about you, maybe because l have been enjoying being with you l stopped thinking about it.

    But it does make sense to me now.

    I don’t know whether things would have been different if l had applied myself earlier with the knowledge of what makes you tick, probably would have been more fun for you.

    The other thing that l have realised is how much you need to know that what l do is because l really want to, you do have an intense need to be the one deciding what is happening but at the same time you also have a strong need to be the centre of what is happening.

    Where what is happening isn’t what you consider to be centered on you, its stressful for you, but if you feel your somehow directing what is happening its stressful as well.

    I do want you to be happy, but l don’t mean for you to get what you want, when you want it, you need to learn and accept what happens is what l want and need from you and if l get what l want you will be rewarded by me.

    I guess it’s a question of who feels they are being rewarded first and who is actually being rewarded.

    Strange isn’t it a win win situation may not mean a win for you, if you feel your winning, but a win lose situation isn’t any good either.

    So l do feel its about adjusting your head space, as you say you analyze things internally but sometimes your thought process is all wrong and that then sends you into tangents. I think you need to concentrate more on acceptance for the moment without thinking about the why and where for’s. To accept your a slave, to accept you are controlled, accepted your being used to go with the flow, to learn to accept the tid bits of rewards l toss to you for your obedience and submission.

    Your not in control, you cannot change what happens, you may ask and you may receive my mercy, but nevertheless your mine and l will enjoy you how and when l like.

    Isn’t that what a perfect slave does, accept her Master’s will despite what she may privately think of what it means.

    Master

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