A sticky relationship

Pain and I are not the best of friends-we fight and yell when we’re together and scream and shout when we’re not. It’s a difficult relationship that is always shifting and moving with the tide and I’m not quite sure how we can make peace.

I remember the first time I was ever ‘beaten’. It was with a cat of nine tails that splayed across my back. It didn’t feel particularly ouchie…in fact it didn’t feel anything at all. I had expected flights of angels to suddenly appear and sing me gently into subspace, but alas, they didn’t appear, and when my first beating was over I experienced my very first ‘WTF???’ moment.

Since that time I’ve been beaten with a variety of things both scary, like single tails and birches, and cute such as Master’s purple paddle (the cushioned side!) but sometime in the last ten months I turned extra wussy. Now, I’m not sure whether it was a reaction to the kindness and attention lavished on me by Master, or whether it was an ebb and flow thing, but beatings seem to hurt ‘more’ now and I’m less and less inclined to want to face the music made by Master’s rhythmic strokes.

Except the memorable MP3 punishment beating and the 300+ strokes of Mr Strap, that both made my ass resemble something straight out of the X-files, Master probably hasn’t beenparticularly harsh on me or my ass. Yes, he has made me cry on several occasions and broken skin, but at least he stops. For some others that would be when they rubbed their hands together with glee and really started getting medieval.

It probably sounds at this point like I’m complaining about ‘not being beaten enough’. Trust me, I’m not. I frantically scan for bugs and ranger rovers when my ass looks like it is about to be caned and I quite happily beg, wheedle, plead and trade with everything I have in order to save my tender botty from painful attentions. But at the same time, there is a gnawing feeling of disappointment when I do get out a beating.

Some of my most memorable moments in my slavery are trophy moments. Bruises that don’t fade for ten days, welts with beading blood, even my piercings are all things that I hold dear with a sense of fierce pride. Don’t ask me why. Maybe that I how I measure my worth as a slave, or prove to myself and others that I have ‘what it takes’ to make this slavery thing work. Whatever the reason, I find this facet of myself intriging.

I’m not a masochist, I don’t get off on pain whatsoever and the sad thing is that I am fully aware of all my faculties during the entirety of painful proceedings. I never get whisked off to blissful subspace, I’m always there in the flesh, fully aware, fully conscious of the ouchie things happening. Yet I’m also acutely conscious of when it’s ‘been a while’ since I’ve been beaten. It’s not a craving that I feel-not like wanting chocolate or a nice release, it’s more a consciousness of absence, a wistful feeling that something once there is missing.

Master has promised that my botty is going to receive a lot more attention from him from now on. I’m scared shitless of the prospect, but at the same time, comforted. A part of me feels that regular beatings are something that should be happening and if they do, all is right with the world. But then again, maybe being the attention slut and whore that I am, I’m just happy for administrations of any form. I’m lucky that Master is more than happy to oblige.

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9 thoughts on “A sticky relationship

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  1. I’m not a masochist, I don’t get off on pain whatsoever and the sad thing is that I am fully aware of all my faculties during the entirety of painful proceedings. I never get whisked off to blissful subspace, I’m always there in the flesh, fully aware, fully conscious of the ouchie things happening. Yet I’m also acutely conscious of when it’s ‘been a while’ since I’ve been beaten. It’s not a craving that I feel-not like wanting chocolate or a nice release, it’s more a consciousness of absence, a wistful feeling that something once there is missing.

    Ye gods, amen and me too. i was honestly beginning to think that i was the only one of us out there. i label myself a “reluctant masochist”, and most of the time, the only pleasure i’m getting out of a beating is of pleasing Master. Wwe’ve tried, with small success, to change my associations with pain, to retrain my mind’s responses to it all, with a little success.

    i’d love to be able to take more for Him, to take the same pleasure in it all, to visit the Vaunted Land of Subspace, but somehow, i don’t think it’s ever going to happen, at least not from pain. Ropes, sure, i’m gone in seconds, and who among us doesn’t get loopy from intense and large quantities of pleasure? But pain? Forget it. The one time i’d love to float away and be less than aware of what is going on is the one time i can’t.

    i feel your pain (no pun intended). i also wanted to let you know that while i don’t frequently comment, i’ve been reading you for months, and have often had your entries lead to some enlightening and interesting conversations with Master. Thanks for that!

    Good luck with the pain… and may you one day make peace with it!

    ~His pet~

  2. The one time i’d love to float away and be less than aware of what is going on is the one time i can’t.

    ——————————————-

    i so know that feeling…(looks at kitten going “yeah sure, but you are a masochist”)but in all honesty, i do not go into subspace with intense pain, im too pumped (with adrenalin) to go floating off into a space where i no longer can feel or comprehend, i hate the pain at times, it has bought out different reactions from me depending on how intense it is, i have been pushed incredibly hard on a cold body, its no bed of roses, at the time its happening to me i want to lash out, i-want-it-to-stop-hurting, when it does stop hurting, i purrrrrrrrr.

    nice reply..

  3. Can’t l be first to comment

    A Master comes home, opens his slave’s blog and digests the latest revision to the ownership manual on how to keep a slave and what do l see additional commentary from the technical gurus updating the lastest manual revision a man is hard pressed to keep up with the revisions let alone the additions to the revisions.

    Goes puts the kettle on has slice of yummy orange cake, least l got company tonight service man coming to finalise repairs to Range Rover now the parts have come.

    kitten will have joy of a warm car once the heater fan switch is put back behind the dashboard.

    Remember when you come home what sort of leash will you be on ……..

    Master

  4. I can completely relate – I love that “reluctant masochist” label? I hate pain, really really hate it, don’t get off on it at all, and will do just about anything to get out of it (and I only get a fraction of what you get on a regular basis because frankly Amo isn’t all that interested in causing pain anyway)… and yet, and yet, there is the stupid little part of me that is just a little bit disappointed when I am able to get out of it. Ahh, the glorious inconsistent chaos that is the mind of a sub/slave!

  5. Firstly, thank you for the comment. I’ve been a regular lurker over at your blog too and always find your topics engaging and thoughts stimulating. I’m a very bad comment whore -love to get them, but very rarely make them!

    I’ve always wondered what ‘getting loopy’ would be like. While I love bondage it doesn’t help me to float into subspace and I’ve never had a release feel like anything other than a release of ‘pressure’. i feel like I’m missing out on this wonderful thing called ‘subspace’, but maybe it’s just not for me. Ho hum…yet another thing that I can’t ‘make peace with’.

    Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.

    k

  6. I think I’ve given up trying to deal with the ‘inconsistent chaos’ in my mind. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m never going to be completely happy-it’s impossible-because what I want changes from minute to minute!

    k

    P.S Is there anything I can give my Master to deter him from his path of inflicting pain and loving it the more he does it?? Hehehehe.

  7. well, the navy used to use saltpeter to reduce sailors’ urges… lol… nope, from reading his blog it sounds like there is something about you in particular that makes him want to whack you, so I’d say you are stuck!

    😉

    And yes, life gets easier when I just stop worrying about my own inconsistencies and embrace them as proof of intelligent humanity!

  8. *shrugs* The RopeSpace (as that’s what Wwe call it) for me is really more a choice thing. i don’t HAVE to go all stoopid, yeah? i can, and often do, stay coherent, as i need to be able to let Master know if a rope is laying thte wrong way, or too tight, or what not. It’s more a… well, release, to steal your words. A letting go, and being free within the ropes. i’m secure there, with the ropes and Master supporting and controlling everything, and i can let go of all else, and just feel, make sense?

    *shrugs* i don’t know that i’m explaining all this properly, but hopefully that made sense.

    ~His pet~

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