Kink radar

A slave is a state of mind. 

This delightful phrase jumped out at me as I was doing my pre-sleep reading the other night. ‘Oh my god’, I thought as I read it, ‘the guy writing this book has to be one of those who have ‘stumbled across the secret garden.’ (as my newly-outed subbie friend likes to describe the subscribers to the world of D/s.)

Certain phrases, certain ways of describing things made me think that this guy had not only stumbled into the garden, but he was tending it. Take this next paragraph:

“When he was in an abusive mood, not simple pain but humiliation seemed to fascinate him. She had learned that he would not stop until he finally made her cry for one reason or another. If she did cry it was only because she could not help it, when she fell to depths of such pain, or humiliation, or despair that she simply could not hold back her tears. Jagang enjoyed watching her cry, then. She did not do it just to give in, to make him stop what he was doing, but only because she was at a point that she could not help herself. And that was what he liked seeing.”  
Phantom, Terry Goodkind

While this paragraph gives some delightful angles on crying and what domly ones like about it (which I would like to explore later), it also describes a power relationship that reeks of D/s. You know how sometimes you just get an inkling that someone is ‘our way inclined’? Well, I get that feeling when I read this author’s books and my friend was also giving me these vibes. She somehow oozed subbieness and I really thought it was only a matter of time until she would say something that would confirm my suspicions. She said the same thing about me- that she’d felt maybe I was ‘our way inclined’ but she shrugged it off as her projecting her subby fantasies onto me.

Is there such a thing as a Kink Radar? Can you tell if someone is subby or domly just by the way they act or the aura they have around them? I still, after eleven months (almost our one year anniversary!) walk around the place wondering if people know ‘what I am’, if they feel something different about me. Even though I don’t act differently or look different, other than for that unusual necklace around my neck, I sometimes feel as though I have ‘Kinky Slave’ flashing on my forehead in neon lights. I’m literally just waiting to be ‘found out.’

Does that mean that I’m not fully comfortable in my skin? Probably. And it also means that I’m not at that stage where I don’t give a shit what people think. Sad, isn’t it? 

But I’m curious about Kink-dar….there is Gaydar, so shouldn’t there be Kinkdar too?


6 thoughts on “Kink radar

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  1. I think I have a pretty good kinkdar, actually. My husband can always tell, too, if someone is submissive (although he can’t always tell a dominant). It is on a different “frequency” from the one gaydar operates on, though. I don’t know what sets it off, but I notice it after the fact, when I start acting a little different around the dom types and I then wonder why. I don’t ID every kinky person around–my kinkdar misses a few–but in general, if someone pings my radar, it’s a pretty sure thing.

  2. I think you can easily tell if someone’s dominant from their behaviour, taking myself as an example. Then again, I’m acting kind of bossy in almost any situation I can, so for people without this attidue, you might not be able to tell as well. The same applies for submissive people, I think, just that you can’t be sure (people can be more receiving that telling, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re into bdsm, while it doesn’t really matter for a dominant one).
    Well, and then, there are people I can’t really decide on, like a man I saw today, wearing a necklace (the leather variant including the metal rings on the sides). He could be a submissive guy or only the generic gothic guy, fancying clothing that seems strange to me… well, I decided on the gothic variant, so that might mean you’re safe, even though you wear that necklace… if people that are familiar with bdsm can’t tell from that, people that fancy other kinds of sexual activity shouldn’t even think about it…


  3. That’s kind of what I thought too as soon as the whole toture scene with Mistress Denna started in book one. It’s nice to see those elements woven in with the rest of the story though.


  4. I do get twitches. Sometimes they’re very obvious…I saw a couple last summer that had to be. He in sunnies, black t-shirt, black denim, and with a facial expression that left no doubt, she walking three steps behind him, collared, chin down.

    Sometimes they’re iffy. High school girl wearing get up that was quirky enough to get her ostracized at school (yes, I know, teens dress “weird”, but this was non-conformist weird), and wearing a cameo. Right vibe, but no way to tell.

    And sometimes it’s no way. The three collared 16 yr olds, giggling in their goth fashions. Nope.

    So yeah, I believe I have kinkdar (and know I have gaydar).

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