In one of my pondering sessions, one of many that I have while I’m in the bath, sitting on the bus, doing laps in the pool or pounding the pavement (while talking to myself…am I the only one who walks along talking to herself?) I came up with the answer. The answer to something that has puzzled people all over the world for centuries- why do men piss women off?
I’ve come to the conclusion that most of the angst in any given relationship generally comes about when one party thinks that the other party isn’t doing their share. This dissatisfaction can come in many forms, but let’s just take one example- cleaning. I’m actually pretty convinced that this is the straw that broke the “gaijin’s” back when I was in Japan. For the whole 9 years that I lived together with my ex-hubby, he never once, not once, lifted a finger to help around the house. Now, from his point of view, he felt that he was contributing to the relationship in other ways- working, earning money, organizing trips away etc. (I’d also like to add that I was equally working and earning more money.) But, what boys need to realise is that it just doesn’t work that way. You can’t substitute a ‘share’ of something for a ‘share’ of something else. “Shares” in relationships are absolutely, one hundred percent, non-transferrable and non-refundable. Giving me chocolate on Valentine’s Day or surprising me with a weekend mystery tour certainly gives the other party brownie points, but it ain’t going to do anything about their ‘share’ of the cleaning that needs to be done. The sum of the total doesn’t equal the sum of the parts as far as relationships and living together are concerned, because every little share in every little category needs to be done and satisfied.
There are a lot of different categories for shares in any given relationship- things like, “spending time with your partner’s family”, “special occasion celebrations”, “washing and ironing”, “getting a haircut before you look like something out of the Addam’s Family”. Basic stuff that you expect the other person to do and that drives you absolutely insane when they don’t. How you divvy stuff up depends on each individual, but most boys will realise the shares that they need to do because there will be copious amounts of nagging involved. Ignoring the nagging does nothing to decrease your shares, and in some cases, it might increase them.
So how does all this fit into D/s I hear you ask? Well, in my case, the categories are a bit different to your run-of-the-mill housework and family stuff. For example, I don’t require him to do any of the housework because he does the cooking. That is our little arrangement and it suits us just great. But there are still other things that I expect Master to do and it drives me absolutely insane, when he doesn’t.
The whole idea of ‘shares’ involves the idea of equality in the relationship. Not necessarily hierarchical equality, but an equal amount of roles and functions. It’s the idea of “Well, fuck, I’m submitting to all this shit, why don’t you do a bit of domming every now and then?” I figure that if I’m literally putting my ass on the line, there should be an equal amount of input from Master. If you have a relationship where only one side is inputting, very quickly your D/s fountain is going to run dry.
At the moment, I have the following shares that I expect Master to input:
A share of nice, hard play
A share of non-leniency
A share of going through with what he says
A share of absolute decisiveness
A share of treating me callously and as an animal
A share of communicating clearly and thinking things through carefully
A share of non-knee-jerk reactions to things he doesn’tlike
A share of education when I need it
A share of slapping me down when he needs it
I hope everyone noticed that the words ‘a share of’ can be replaced with ‘I want’ and there is very little meaning loss. That’s because my expectations of him are invaribly my wants. My wants, my image of what a dom ‘should be’, will be what I compare him to. When the image and the reality differ, some compromises can be made, you can learn to live with some different aspects and alter your expected shares, but there is a saturation point- also known as a breaking point. This is the straw that breaks the slave’s back and is generally when things fail.
One thing I find with Master, is that he fulfills a lot, and I mean a lot of shares in the “nice-ness” category. He spoils me to distraction and basically everything that I want is given to me in one form or another. He has amassed a huge, mammoth amount of brownie points, and has done more than his fair share in the ‘treating the slave well’ department. But to me, that doesn’t give him dispensation for the other shares that I want, and expect him to do.
It sounds harsh, cruel and I’m sure a lot of people reading this are thinking “you don’t know how good you’ve got it, shut the fuck up.” I’d probably agree if I was a reader reading this too. I suppose the bottom line is balance in all things.You need a little bit of spice with your sugar and sour with your sweet.
Today, he has been frosty with me all day because I told him to be ‘decisive’. An incident at the tattoo shop when we went to confirm the final design for my ownership marking that was to be done on Tuesday, resulted in him cancelling the appointment and storming out of the shop. This is what happened:
We’d both looked at the basic design of his initials and said, ‘It’s boring, it needs something.’ and then one of the receptionist chicks said “Well, you can just get this, get something simple to start and you can add to it later.” We had both liked the idea of a collar (maybe with celtic banding) with either a padlock or a name plate with his initials on it and after they said that celtic wasn’t possible in a design that small, he started talking about just getting something celtic, bigger, with no initials, nothing. I assumed that his name or initials were an absolute given in the design. So I pointed out that if he didn’t want his name on me, “What were we here for?”
By this stage, I didn’t know what he wanted and it looked like he was about to put something on me that he wasn’t fully happy with. I told him to be ‘decisive’ and think about what he wanted. Then he asked for his money back and stormed out. I thought that he was pissed off at me for talking to him like that. For not ‘submitting’ to his will and standing there like a dumb mute. After finally getting him to talk about it, I realised that what I took for indecision was actually him making a decision not to do it, so I apologised. He wasn’t clear, he made me think that I had pissed him off, rather than him being pissed at the receptionists and their lack of help.
In the tattoo shop, making a decision about putting his name indelibly on me for life, I’m sure you can imagine that I needed him to be decisive. I needed him to say, ‘Yes, this is what I want. It’s going on your ass. The end.’ And if the design wasn’t what he wanted, say, ‘This is not what I want. I’d like to cancel the appointment. Bye.’ From my point of view, I’m putting my ass on the line, a huge, massive input from me. All I’m asking from him is a firm decision that that is what he wants and that’s what will make him happy. A share of being clear and decisive is all I want him to do. It’s a trust thing. Standing there with design in hand having him say, “Hmmmm….” is akin to pushing me towards the gaping hole in an airplane and saying “Yeah, I think I folded your parachute right.” I can’t do itunless it’s a “Parachute, check. Go, Go, Go!!!!!”
So that’s my vent, from my view and my ideas about why men piss women off. Think I can patent it?
P.S Master has just read this and said,
‘You piss me off. I’m not going to discuss it. I’ve given you a chance and it seems you are going to throw it away again.’
and now he’s gone off into his bedroom, turned off all the lights and left me in the dark… in more ways than one.