Laments

The slave’s lament:

“I’m damned if I ask for something, and damned if I don’t”

The Master’s lament:

“I’m damned if I do something, and damned if I don’t”


It’s all too hard. I suppose most of the problem is that in any D/s relationship you’ve got two people with very different needs. Admittedly, they are supposed to compliment each other, but unless the slave is a masochist and the dom is a sadist and all they want to give and take is pain, then things are going to get complex.

I *can’t* ask to be dommed, but there are also times that I need things that are not forthcoming for a variety of reasons. And in those situations, all I can do is ask. I have the *need* for certain things, releases, beatings, bondage etc.  burning inside (as well as the fear and dread associated with receiving those things) that eventually pushes me to ask. Asking for things, however, takes away the whole feeling of submission for me. If it’s all happening because of me, then it ain’t submission. Likewise, I will bitch and moan to Master when he does give me those things(it hurts/ you only have one level of pain giving-high/ do I have to????)  and bitch and moan again when he doesn’t (you don’t like me/you’re not serious about us/ D/s doesn’t mean as much to you as it does to me.)

Thus the slave and Master laments are born. Both of us are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

Submission to me is hard work. It doesn’t come naturally or gracefully to me and it’s a constant struggle to bite my tongue and do things I don’t want to do. This is why I often question whether I’m really slave material or not and ponder whether the role of a bottom wouldn’t be more suited to me. I guess I don’t feel ‘good enough’ to join those magical realms of slaves who do everything with a “Yes, Sir”, “More please , Sir”, “Would you like a blow job with that, Sir?”

People often say submission is a gift. I don’t agree that it’s something that is quite on par with diamond rings and boxes of chocolates, but it is something that has value to the one who is giving it. Whether the person receiving it takes it as something of value and treats it as such depends on the individual, but the person giving will always be conscious of what they are ‘giving’ and I would say that someone not valued, is not going to hang around for long.

For me, I can only give if there is a purpose. I *need* to know that what I am doing will serve some ultimate need (i.e. Master’s need) or be a step towards a future goal (i.e. Master’s grand scheme of things). I can’t just submit for the sake of submitting. What I step up to the plate for is the knowing that what I do has a purpose for my Other.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m not going anywhere. I’ve lost my purpose and can’t see the grand scheme of things. Some would say that the slave needn’t be privy to the knowledge of the “Master’s plan”, but I say that no-one stands on a start line waiting for the starter’s gun without knowing what race they are running. 

Looking back I think I became a slave for two reasons: (1) the idea of bondage on tap and (2) for growth. I’ve given up my bondage on tap idea because I know that it’s just not going to happen, and as Master says, I could ‘never get enough bondage’ but my feeling of wanting to become something more than I was is still there. I always had a feeling that there had to be more to life than this. I think what scared me the most when I got married, was that I saw my life mapped out for the next 50-odd years and it was a downhill path.  The challenges of motherhood and married life were not the ones that I wanted to face, I wanted, needed something more.

Challenge, to be extended, to be pushed, to go outside my comfort zone. These are all things that I feel lead to growth and isn’t this what domly ones seek to do? Don’t they want to push and prod and pull and see just ‘how far’ their slave is willing to go for them? Don’t they enjoy throwing up challenges and seeing how the subbies deal with them? 

It sounds a bit like I’m after a life coach. It might be a good analogy. We want someone to help us get somewhere that we can’t get to by ourselves. That’s why in the vanilla world we pay for personal trainers and teachers to teach us things. That challenge and push of meeting expectations,  is often what we need. If the bar is set low, we’ll do less and less to try and reach it. If the bar is set too high, we’ll feel like a failure and reject it all. Set just right, the bar will help us reach new heights and become more than what we were.

My gift is given based on the idea that it will be valued by Master and used for a purpose.  Maybe I’m expecting too much and hoping that Master will solve all the woes in my life. I know that he can’t- that’s my shit to deal with. But I do hope that I will be a little more than I was.

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “Laments

Add yours

  1. Grand Plans – your joking

    Nope no Grand Plans up my sleeves, no rabbit in the hat and certainly no Moose saying where is rocky.

    I intend to keep you as my slave, my slut and animal.

    I intend to enjoy using you, dressing you as l like and making you wear boots.

    I intend to keep on playing with your body and your mind for my enjoyment and pleasure.

    You are a slave as that’s what you need to be.

    You are owned and controlled because that’s what you need and want.

    Slave’s don’t have choices, freedoms, being a slave doesn’t stop them from thinking about things, wanting things, bitching about things, having emotions and thoughts aren’t incompatible with a slave, it is just what you can do about it is limited.

    Yes you have to come ask me for release, bondage etc, but it’s designed that way to reinforce and demonstrate to you that your not in control, you have to ask in some cases beg or even worse of all ask nicely for something.

    There is no magic cure for you, but yes life should be simple for you, l beat you when l want to and why l want to, if l am beating you as a punishment l should tell you its a punishment otherwise its simply something l enjoy.

    Your a slave and your body is mine to use and l want to display you as a slut and animal, so now your required to dress as one all the time. At home you will wear boots unless told otherwise by me.

    How l want to play or use you is my choice, my decision, you may not like it, you may not get enough of what you want like bondage sessions or too much of what you don’t like, such as caning, but really your the slave its not about you, it is about me.

    Slaves always bitch and moan, nothing new in that, no mystery as to why they do, they are all attention seekers.

    Yes you can interpret anything anyway you can, politicians and media spin doctors do it all the time, your going to keep on believing it until your ready to stop, in the meantime l am just going to do what l want without your permission, consent or approval.

    Master

  2. I also thought that asking for what I want is inappropriate for a submissive. And then my Master shared something with me. There’s a difference between passiveness and obedience. I thought I was being obedient by not asking for things I’d like to have done to me or other requests. What he told me was that was being passive. Just waiting for what I was to get and not showing him what I’d like to have. He shared with me that being obedient was being able to express what I wanted/needed to him correctly not only gave me what I wanted occasionally, but also still gave him the power and control over me. The correct way for me (YMMV) is to ask politely when I have his full attention; without demand and without the sense of urgency. This still left it up to him to decide what was best for me and allowed me to have the voice I craved.

    Just my 2 cents.

    –luna

  3. Why are you so darn hard on yourself? Maybe you could give yourself a wee break, and accept that you are too intelligent to ever be the brainless doormat version of a slave and (more importantly) that you might be really miserable that way. What kind of slave could you be or want to be if you also accept that you are an intelligent woman with thoughts and feelings and opinions?

    I totally understand what you mean about hating to ask for stuff – but as Amo keeps telling me, when I express what I want it gives him a better idea of what is going on in my head: it sure doesn’t guarantee I am going to get it. I like the passive vs. obedient distinction that luna_km mentioned – that is a good way of thinking about it.

  4. Thanks for the comment (^v^)

    I’m also constantly amazed when I read someone’s blog and I feel that I could have written the exact same thing- it happens more often than not.

    k

  5. Hmmm… I like the distinction between passive and obedient too. That is something that I can understand and I can even see how simply expecting things that I want to magically happen is even more controlling than asking for them and waiting for Master’s response- whether it be yay, or nay.

    Thanks for the great comment.

    k

  6. As I get older, I’m finding myself needing more and more wee breaks…oh..you’re not talking about *those* wee breaks…(^v^)

    I find that I have this absolute compulsion to tell Master exactly what I’m feeling and thinking -even to the extent that it has detrimental consequences for one/both of us. I don’t know what it is. The buffering little white lie has disappeared from my vernacular.

    I don’t know, I guess all my thinking upstairs complicates things so much and the idea of a ‘simpler way of life’ (i.e autobot) seems romatically like the holy grail.

    k

  7. I can really relate to the problem of ‘thinking too much’, and I am handing as much of it over to Amo as I can because of that wonderful tantalizing vision that my life would be simpler (and my head a lot quieter) if I didn’t think so damn much. So yeah, the fantasy is there (albeit less so for me than for you) – but I have had to face the fact that I am just never going to be able to stop thinking. Hell, if I could reduce the amount by 25% or 30% I’d be happy and pleasantly surprised – anything more than that is going to take a lot of time and a lot of patience on his part.

    So, if I may be blunt – is a particular fantasy making your reality harder to deal with?

  8. Perhaps not a fantasy but my definition of what a slave/slavery is what is making my reality harder to deal with.

    Almost all of my previous expectations and beliefs about what I thought a slave was and what they did, have been thrown out the window. It’s like I’ve suddenly be made to call ‘oranges’, ‘apples’. I thought I was an apple and I expected to be treated as an apple, but the reality is that he wants an orange and treats me as an orange and my brain is not coping with this seemingly simple adjustment required.

    So a typical interaction between Master and I ends up looking something like this:

    “I’m an apple and apples just don’t do that!”

    “No, you’re an orange and oranges do.”

    Talk about a fruit salad!

    k

  9. That sounds like a hard place to be in! Let me ask you this then: can you be happy according to his definition of an orange? Is it possible for you to redefine ‘apple’ and ‘orange’ to find a middle ground that is satisfying for you? Or is your ‘apple’ nature something that is so important to you that you need to find a way to honor and respect it?

    *hug*

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: