The slave’s lament:
“I’m damned if I ask for something, and damned if I don’t”
The Master’s lament:
“I’m damned if I do something, and damned if I don’t”
It’s all too hard. I suppose most of the problem is that in any D/s relationship you’ve got two people with very different needs. Admittedly, they are supposed to compliment each other, but unless the slave is a masochist and the dom is a sadist and all they want to give and take is pain, then things are going to get complex.
I *can’t* ask to be dommed, but there are also times that I need things that are not forthcoming for a variety of reasons. And in those situations, all I can do is ask. I have the *need* for certain things, releases, beatings, bondage etc. burning inside (as well as the fear and dread associated with receiving those things) that eventually pushes me to ask. Asking for things, however, takes away the whole feeling of submission for me. If it’s all happening because of me, then it ain’t submission. Likewise, I will bitch and moan to Master when he does give me those things(it hurts/ you only have one level of pain giving-high/ do I have to????) and bitch and moan again when he doesn’t (you don’t like me/you’re not serious about us/ D/s doesn’t mean as much to you as it does to me.)
Thus the slave and Master laments are born. Both of us are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.
Submission to me is hard work. It doesn’t come naturally or gracefully to me and it’s a constant struggle to bite my tongue and do things I don’t want to do. This is why I often question whether I’m really slave material or not and ponder whether the role of a bottom wouldn’t be more suited to me. I guess I don’t feel ‘good enough’ to join those magical realms of slaves who do everything with a “Yes, Sir”, “More please , Sir”, “Would you like a blow job with that, Sir?”
People often say submission is a gift. I don’t agree that it’s something that is quite on par with diamond rings and boxes of chocolates, but it is something that has value to the one who is giving it. Whether the person receiving it takes it as something of value and treats it as such depends on the individual, but the person giving will always be conscious of what they are ‘giving’ and I would say that someone not valued, is not going to hang around for long.
For me, I can only give if there is a purpose. I *need* to know that what I am doing will serve some ultimate need (i.e. Master’s need) or be a step towards a future goal (i.e. Master’s grand scheme of things). I can’t just submit for the sake of submitting. What I step up to the plate for is the knowing that what I do has a purpose for my Other.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m not going anywhere. I’ve lost my purpose and can’t see the grand scheme of things. Some would say that the slave needn’t be privy to the knowledge of the “Master’s plan”, but I say that no-one stands on a start line waiting for the starter’s gun without knowing what race they are running.
Looking back I think I became a slave for two reasons: (1) the idea of bondage on tap and (2) for growth. I’ve given up my bondage on tap idea because I know that it’s just not going to happen, and as Master says, I could ‘never get enough bondage’ but my feeling of wanting to become something more than I was is still there. I always had a feeling that there had to be more to life than this. I think what scared me the most when I got married, was that I saw my life mapped out for the next 50-odd years and it was a downhill path. The challenges of motherhood and married life were not the ones that I wanted to face, I wanted, needed something more.
Challenge, to be extended, to be pushed, to go outside my comfort zone. These are all things that I feel lead to growth and isn’t this what domly ones seek to do? Don’t they want to push and prod and pull and see just ‘how far’ their slave is willing to go for them? Don’t they enjoy throwing up challenges and seeing how the subbies deal with them?
It sounds a bit like I’m after a life coach. It might be a good analogy. We want someone to help us get somewhere that we can’t get to by ourselves. That’s why in the vanilla world we pay for personal trainers and teachers to teach us things. That challenge and push of meeting expectations, is often what we need. If the bar is set low, we’ll do less and less to try and reach it. If the bar is set too high, we’ll feel like a failure and reject it all. Set just right, the bar will help us reach new heights and become more than what we were.
My gift is given based on the idea that it will be valued by Master and used for a purpose. Maybe I’m expecting too much and hoping that Master will solve all the woes in my life. I know that he can’t- that’s my shit to deal with. But I do hope that I will be a little more than I was.