Hinges

Something happened on Saturday night, but I’m not really sure how to describe it. There was a point where I was fighting so hard not to let go and at the same time wanting to let go desperately.Then all at once I just stopped caring about what I “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing and just did it. It’s not that I gave up- I wasn’t defeated in anyway, but instead I did something else entirely:

I actually became a slave.

Admitting that at this point in my life, after ‘living as a slave’ for the last couple of years, seems quite ludicrious. You would think that I’ve experienced slavery on a daily basis and that it would be second nature to me now, but when I really think about it, there’s never been a time when I haven’t had (felt) at least some sliver of control and I’ve been able to look at myself ‘submitting’ in a purely objectional way. Those “wtf??” moments that I often talk about are those exact times when I step outside myself and make judgements. 

Looking back at things, there had always been a ‘battle of the wills’ going on somewhere inside me whenever I was required to do something. Whether it be making a cup of coffee or piss-drinking, there was always a part of me that took the order into my brain and processed it, rolling it around until I’d made it mine, accepting it and putting on it my special seal of submission. I chose to do it. And in the choice I gained control. 

There were often times that I’d be told to do something and I’d do it- but on my terms, by doing it in my ‘own time’. I’d pause for a few breaths before launching into the action and in those few seconds I’d be busily processing and making the choice. I’d have the control the choice gave me and I was happy inside ‘controlling’ what I did.

All this talk about choice is probably confusing. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been able to say no to something. Choice is not something that I’ve ever really had. But the power of the mind is an incredible thing and it allows you to create things that aren’t ever there. I had myself believing that I had a choice and everything I did was, in some way, of my own volition. Until Saturday night that is. That night saw me do something that I would never, ever submit to and I had to be a slave in order to do it. 

I guess to put it another way, I was “broken”.

Being naked is not really a big thing in the scheme of things. I’ve been naked in front of a lot of people at various times after living in the country of the communal, and sometimes mixed bath, for years. But that is a very, very different beast to being cuffed and walked through different groups of people on a leash, entirely for the purpose of being displayed. I’ve discussed my hang-ups about my body before and alluded to issues I have with the way I look, but I don’t think I’ve conveyed just how much of a ‘fear factor’ experience being displayed is for me. If I had limits, it would beyond the level of “hard” and be well into the “over my dead body” stage. I don’t do public displays of nakedness. I’ll do anything else, but not that.

There are a lot of things about which I have a high ‘ewww’ factor towards, but they are not things that would rock me to the core if I was required to do them. For some reason, being displayed publically just absolutely horrifies me and pushes all my ‘Danger! Will Robinson! buttons’. I guess we all have our little things and that, dear readers, is mine. Interesting, isn’t it?

It was an incredibly earth-shattering thing for me to be taken to that point of absolute lack of control. I always thought that being “broken” would involve being beaten into my place or something along those lines. Instead, it was much more subtle and before I knew it, I had slipped over the edge. Part of me thinks I won’t be going back to how I was because once the ability to control is gone, it’s gone for good.

Master said to me, “That was a big thing for you, wasn’t it? You’re diffferent now.” and I didn’t really get it at the time.
I knew I was having a problem with something internally, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I’ve been feeling feral since Saturday and while it’s probably a mixture of red plagueness and sub-drop, I also have a kind of pounding churning sensation inside. After the party, I felt like I’d had too much alcohol and had been hit by a truck (even though I hadn’t had a drop) and still now I’ve got a throbbing headache and a feeling like I just want to curl up in bed. I’m guessing it’s my coping mechanism still in over-drive and it will take a few more days to settle down.

But I’m definitely not who I was. It was one of those moments that radically changes your life- a hinge that sets you off in another direction. Now I’m kind of exploring just who this ‘new’ me is. All I can say is I hope we get along.

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12 thoughts on “Hinges

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  1. Hmmmmm a very deep and lovely post

    I am glad Saturday night was a moment of epic proportions for you

    It was planned that way all along to be a big mind fuck for you and to compel you to confront yourself as an obedient slave

    It doesn’t get harder or easier for you just because we crossed that hurdle thats the fun of being in this relationship with you and exploring the extremities of our emotional and physical universe together are you Spock or Uhura l hope its Uhura she looked better in short skirt and boots than Spock does

    Master

  2. Darling kitten, I was so proud of you on Saturday night so I can’t even begin to imagine how proud your Master was. you passed huge hurdles, things that had been on your mind that you thought you couldn’t do and yet you did them and you did them for your Master because you know that is what he wanted. you know you had no choice and you know that because in your heart and soul lies the truth that you are owned and it is the will of your Master that you follow not your own. you are a beautiful person inside and out and impressed many with your physical beauty and submission. I was honoured to have been a part of it. xxx Ms Blair

  3. I get this. I know exactly what you mean. Maybe not precisely what happened to you, but I understand the process.

    It’s funny (not ha-ha funny, but oh-wow funny) that every time I think I’ve reached the end, something else really profound happens, something that I could not have forseen or even realized that I was missing until it happens. And it doesn’t generally happen when I’d think it should, not during an intense scene or moment of interaction, but at a simpler time, in a simpler place.. and something just… clicks into place.

    I also think that once it happens, there is no going back. Not completely. It’s like un-pickling a cucumber. Can’t be done. 😉 (i love that analogy. I use it a lot. :D)

  4. I came by your journal by way of Kaya and “Married Man’s Fucktoy” on blogspot.

    I’d like to freind you and in turn be freinded if you have permission.

    This entry really spoke to me especially today – If you’d like to read what I posted today – I already added you to my freinds filter.

    Thank you for this entry.

    Jen

  5. “Part of me thinks I won’t be going back to how I was because once the ability to control is gone, it’s gone for good.”

    That’s scary and fabulous, all at once. Congratulations.

  6. Thank you Mistress B for a lovely comment…I think. Lol…

    As I find out more and more of the extent of your collusion into the whole thing, I’m finding it hilarious. Master told me with glee the other night that you two had been talking about it for weeks. I feel so silly about getting excited over being allowed to have coverage at the party…I really should have guessed.

    But thank you. As you say, I needed it. It was good. Very good. It fed a deep need inside of me. It’s what I am and I had to stop fighting it some time.

    xx k

  7. Love that cucumber analogy- it’s norti as well as makes perfect sense (^v^)

    Those moments of clarity or when things just seem to ‘click’ do come at the strangest of times. I think a part of me was annoyed that it happened so ‘easily’ although, I suppose I have been fighting my slavery both actively and subconsciously for two years now, so maybe it was time.

    And no, that wasn’t my Master in that other pic. That was just another dom who later whipped my ass. Lol.

    k

  8. your welcome.

    It’s so funny I’ve had an LJ for a long long long time.

    But never thought to look into the community here LOL.

    I have found so much wonderful and great support, I dont know what I’d do w/ out it.

    Love
    jen

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