The 8000

Today officially marks the day that I reached the elusive number of 8000 views on my alt profile. What an illustrious occasion! Well, it’s not really, but I’ve been saying to Master for the past two or three months that I’m ‘nearly at 8000’ so I’m sure he’ll be happy to know that I am finally there.

I’m a funny kind of person in that respect: numbers, dates, views etc are all things that mark some sort of ‘achievement’ in my ife and I generally pay fairly careful attention to them. The ‘views counter’ on this blog is something that I check at least once a day and I find myself getting depressed when the graph starts looking like a downhill slide. It shouldn’t really matter, afterall, I’m not blogging  in order to have people read what I write, I’m just blogging to get all that stuff that is in my head out of my head to give myself some breathing space.

My alt profile was one of the first things I created when I started down the path of D/s. To be exact, I’ve been a member since 4th April, 2005. That was just over a couple of years ago but soooooooo much has happened in those two years that I feel like it’s been twenty and not two. I look back over my ‘achievements’ with a certain fondness: my first and second collarings, my first caning, my first cat and single tail whippings, the 325 strokes, the piercings, my first mystery shopper, my first public ‘display’ and of course, all of that that culminated in me being broken. Part of me thinks that was a lot to ‘achieve’ before being broken and another part of me is kind of ashamed that I went down without a fight. 

Just on that public thing, when I was younger I used to do this thing where when I got nervous I’d count things out on my fingers according to how many letters there were in the word until I reached a number ending in five or zero. If it didn’t fit, I’d add things until it did. I’m not sure whether that is an indication of how bizarro I am, or something else, but I know that being in public has always and still does freak me out. I feel totally insecure by myself walking down a street and I guess that is what I’d find in the ‘Jedi Cave’ if Yoda sent me in there. As a result, I’m quite a hermit really, happier at home than anywhere else. I do feel kind of eerie though, that Master knew me well enough to know that being displayed publicly would tip me right over the edge in ‘broken-ness’. Eerie, but comforting at the same time.

Master often comments that I am constantly touching him and brushing myself up against him etc.  If he leaves the lounge while I’m watching something, even if it’s something I want to watch, I’ll go and find him after a few minutes. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I need the constant reaffirmation of our relationship. I need to sense it, feel it, breathe it. Sometimes I may forget that I have a collar around my neck, but I don’t like to lose the sense that I’m a slave.The other night he said, 

“You need that leash, don’t you? You need to feel it there all the time.”

That’s oh-so-very true and funnily enough, one of my favourite pastimes is counting the links.

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7 thoughts on “The 8000

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  1. congratulations! I too am a little obsessed with numbers and counting, so I can totally relate to your comments. I have also been off and on alt a few times and each time I loved it when the ‘times viewed’ inched up. But 8000 – wow!

    I have been thinking a lot about your posts about the play party and the effect it had on you, trying to find the right sort of coherent words – but really I think all I want to say is I am so happy for you, and insanely jealous!

  2. Wow! I just noticed

    I was reading your Masters blog just now, and although I knew you were in school, I wasnt sure what you were going to become, and I found out a teacher. Right? I think thats what he was saying. If thats what he was saying, and you are becoming a teacher. Always be super nice okay?

  3. Re: Wow! I just noticed

    Hahahahahaha! Rofl. “Nice”? If only corporal punishment were still allowed…

    Fanks for the comment. I was a teacher of adults for about nine years before, but this year I went back to uni to get secondary teaching qualifications ’cause just one piece of paper doesn’t seem to be enough these days. I’ve got one exam to do on Friday and then the final 6 weeks of prac and I’ll be done! Yay!

    k

  4. Ahhh…the impact of a few photos on profile views…lol.

    I’ve been thinking about post play party a lot too. I’m still not sure what happened and I can’t explain it coherently either! So no probs.

    Ummm…actually I’d be pretty jealous of myself, if I wasn’t myself that is…lol. *hugs* I know your situation is tough and being together for 24 hrs once a month must really suck. Is there anyway to change that?

    k

  5. Re: Wow! I just noticed

    Oh that’s awesome. Good luck on them. My sister is taking her exams soon to become a lawyer, and shes freaking out. You taught adults? So…Your a teacher right? In a way, you know? So I was wondering if I could ask you some quesions about your job, because a course I’m taking. It’s a project that was due on monday, and I still haven’t finished it…*Blushes*.

  6. Re: Wow! I just noticed

    Ask away! I’m happy to help if I can be of assistance (^v^)

    You can e-mail me – subkitten at hotmail dot com – if you don’t want to ask here.

    k

  7. I have found that, as much as I needed to process some of the more intense scenes I have experienced, there always came a time where my brain had to just give up and embrace what had happened (and embrace the internal changes) and move on.

    Apparently there is no way to change our situation any time soon, no, so I shall have to just continue surfing other people’s blogs getting insanely jealous of what everyone else is up to.

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