Choices

I’m a slave without rights and choices….

….at least that’s the correct answer in my interrogation sessions with Master. Along with the ‘What are you?’s and the ‘What are you for?’s there are also the ‘What don’t you have?’s – the answer to the latter of course being ‘rights and choices’. But just because I don’t have any rights or choices doesn’t make things any easier. In fact, my choice not to have choices and the right to not have any rights causes me as much angst as having to make choices and exercise my rights. Like everyone else I have that gnawing fear of, ‘Did I make the right decision?’

Sitting here staring at my screen under much duress to ‘do a pre-departure blog or else’ (I’m heading home for a couple of weeks, in case I haven’t mentioned it) I had a look at a comment on a recent entry:

‘…it does make interesting reading, all this neurosis about your choice and so on, I dunno. I am a bit obsessed with power relations outside of the context of sexuality (political and social philosophy) and I never really thought to consider the whole BDSM scene in that context until I stumbled on this site, or indeed, it has to be said power relations in wider society in the context of BDSM.’

Reading over it five or ten times, after which I think I finally got the gist, the phrases that jumped out at me were ‘neurosis about your choice’ and ‘power relations in wider society in the context of bdsm’. Being the hard-up-for-a-topic-slave that I am and wanting to push my belief (once again!) that bdsm is not a cure-all for people with fucked-up lives, I’ve pilfered the thoughts and now I’m going to run with them.

‘Did I make the right decision?’ is a question I ask myself nearly every minute of the day. Each decision I make breeds ten more decisions that have to be made and after I suffer through the making of each, I then like to drag mysef over the hot coals for a while longer and have a debate with myself about whether I made the ‘right’ decision or not. This procedure is the same whether I’m picking toast or cereal or breakfast or slavery or freedom for another day. And in the case of slavery or freedom, every act of submission is another choice in favour of slavery that is angsted about on the basis of whether it was right or not. Just because I decided to become a slave on June 6th, 2005 doesn’t mean that the deal was locked in as my ‘final answer’. I have to keep making that choice over and over again and each time I do it, I have that littlegnawing ‘Did I make the right decision?’ follow-up to deal with. Along with that comes the whole, ‘What the fuck am I doing?’, ‘What do my friends/ my family/ strangers on the street think of me?’, ‘Am I going to die alone without family/friends?’ etc. whirlpool that threatens to suck me under. But the interesting thing about that is that it would be the same scenario even if I was free. Even if I was free and married with ten kids, I’d still be asking, ‘Did I make the right decision?’.

This is where it comes back to bdsm is not a band-aid for your life. It doesn’t make anything easier- it’s just a different decision that people make in terms of what sort of relationship they will have. Similarly, gay people who ‘come out’ don’t magically find their problems fixed. Life is hard and making a choice about how you want to live your life is only the first step. Some people find god, some people find alcohol and some of us find bdsm. None of these things fix your life, though. Only you can.

Now, the other bit: power relations outside of the context of sexuality.

Hmmmm….personally….I don’t think the power exchanged in bdsm is anything but sexual power. While there may not necessarily be sex involved per se, the power exchanged will still give you a hard on. Mowing your Mistress’s lawn is masturbation material for some people, as much as licking clean a toilet bowl is for others. In essence, bdsm is about doing things that turn us on in one way or another. While the act itself is not something that we necessarily have to enjoy, sexual pleasure will be gained through the performance of the act -whether by submitting/enduring/physical sensation/feelings of control/pleasing and so on. 

Power doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Power exists through relationships and unlike a 9-5 job that pays you to kow-tow to your boss, bdsm pays you by getting you warm and moist. No matter what some people say, they don’t exist ‘only to serve their master’ – they exist only to experience the hard on they get from serving their master. We give nothing without requiring to receive something in return and that, in essence, is how bdsm and in fact, society as a whole works. 

Bdsm to me is the quintessential example of sexual power- at least that is what the underlying motivational force is. 

Or is it just me who thinks that way?

Now my head hurts….lol. 2am and it’s time for this slave to be in bed.

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15 thoughts on “Choices

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  1. gets a girl to thinkin’

    i love to read Your blog because it always provides as much for thought as for fantasy 😉

    i think that i “mostly” agree with your thought that “i don’t think the power exchanged in bdsm is anything but sexual power.” i do think it is a sexual power, but not necessarily the “always makes me wet between the thighs” – it’s as much just the simple endorphin rush that is a type of sexual energy all on its own. Maybe(?) i’m saying there is more than one type of sexual power… there’s the down-and-dirty-fuck-me and there’s the You-just-lit-a-fire-in-my-belly power. Any difference? i’m not so sure, but in the end… it’s all about simple power that makes me feel GOOD 😉 because my Master exercises that power over me.

    i love your insight as well as Your Master’s… especially the mutual respect you share for each other. It shows in both of your writings.

    Thanks for letting us in your world sometimes.

    browneyedgirl

    findingsubmission.blogspot.com

  2. A blog for me what a surprise for me this morning

    Another meaty topic tackled

    You made a decision and like all decisions its reviewable, a driver travelling at 100kph down a strange road will make many decisions, going too fast, too slow, turn right, turn left, brake, indicate, pass that other car, like life the road conditions changes and one reassesses the situation and makes more decisions about where you are going.

    In your case you’ve decided to become a passenger and let me drive, whilst your happy with my driving you will remain safe and sound and enjoy the ride, when you stop enjoying my driving skills you will become agitated and eitehr want to resume self-driving or even request the car be stopped and you be allowed to step outside and become a pedestrian.

    For the moment your my slave and you will be obedient, you have no choice in that, your my slave and you will be what l want, wear what l want and do what l want for that is what a slave is.

    You made a decision to be a slave for your own reasons, maybe you don’t know the full reasons why your a slave, maybe you enjoy part of your slavery and not others, does it matter your now owned and collared and marked and you can’t change those things can you.

    As for your family l don’t see your relationship with each of them and collectively having changed from when your free and married and living in Japan to now being a slave in Perth, your slavery doesn’t alter your relationship with them, you alter your relationship with them.

    Master

  3. I had to read through that last bit a few times. The “Even if I was free and married with ten kids, I’d still be asking, ‘Did I make the right decision?’. ” Would you ever in any life time…have TEN kids? I mean, thats 20 grubby hands. Lol.

    Truely though, have you ever thought about kids?

    I use to think everyone did, but maybe not…

  4. Have I ever thought about kids??

    ROFL….

    Seriously, ever since I can remember I’ve never wanted to had kids. I used to play with My Little Ponies and Lego instead of dolls!

    My ten kids image was supposed to be that of domestic bliss – the maternal, motherly image with a husband and as vanilla as vanilla can be. I can’t even imagine one pair of grubby little hands let alone ten! And your comment that you used to think that everyone thought about kids proves my point that people tend to think that you’re abnormal if you don’t.

    Thanks for the comment!

    k

  5. Re: gets a girl to thinkin’

    But doesn’t the ‘You-just-lit-a-fire-in-my-belly power’ make you wet between the thighs too? I’m not saying I pool juices that much that I need a canoe to get around the house, just that because I am in a bdsm relationship and that’s my kink and that’s what turns me on, any power exchange between Master and I is a sexual power.

    You said that simple power makes you feel ‘good’ because your Master exercises that power over you. I still say that your ‘simple power’ is a sexual power. You don’t feel ‘good’ in the same way about rainbows, whiskers on kittens and brown paper packages tied up with string I’m sure (^v^)

    Whether that goodness translates to an actual pooling of juices is, I’m sure, a personal thing, but what I’m trying to say is that it’s exactly the same power/energy.

    Does that make sense?

    k

  6. *Chugs down the aspirin. Muchly appreciated!

    I kind of wish I was the sort of person who made a decision and then didn’t give a shit, but unfortunately I’m the type of person who will angst for weeks over buying something and finally buy it and then will see something else cheaper/better/newer and angst about buying the ‘wrong’ one for weeks.

    Sad, isn’t it?

    k

  7. Re: gets a girl to thinkin’

    ***been thinkin’ ’bout this***

    i think i’m agreeing that all of the power in some way translate into a sexual power. *hmm*

    i comment frequently how i have a physical reaction (not necessarily a “polling of juices” but a still a reaction) to His words – which may or may not be “sexual” in nature. That physical reaction though, i believe does stem from a sexual power that He has.

    Master and i have a “discussion” frequently about my constant desire for His *ahem* cock… for that sexual interaction. i think it’s because initially at least in our relationship, i felt the most submissive during “sex” or a “scene.” It was easier to be submissive then, now, He has taken more control of other aspects of my life. But – it all goes back to the S-E-X.

    So… guess what i’m saying is that i agree, in my M/s relationship at least, the power is rooted in a sexual power.

    Here’s a follow up… Does every “romantic relationship” have a sexual energy/power at its root? Or CAN ther be something else?

    Thanks for the mental exercises!!

    browneyedgirl

    findingsubmission.blogspot.com

  8. Re: gets a girl to thinkin’

    No its not sad. You’re not alone in thinking along those lines. I do it too, and I know others do it.

    A good example, I hardly ever… ever.. buy myself anything. And when I do I then worry that we could have used that money for bills, or for something Master wanted. Why, oh why did I spend that money on myself? (Never mind the fact that Master said it was okay.. and that I deserved it!)

  9. Hi,
    I realize this is a bit back in your blog but I beg to differ.
    I know you do not know me, and for that I appologize for it would probably be easier to understand what I am about to say, if you did know me better.
    But i am willing to friend you so that you can read my journal and learn something about myself as well as my slave.
    What I wanted to say, though:
    My slave serves, (and she will say this herself), because it is something she needs (some people may say it is only a want but she says need as do I and that is totally a preference thing) to be controlled.
    That is not to say that those who serve because it is a physical turn-on are wrong, there is no wrong or right way, everyone does what works for them.
    But I can say that for myself as well as my slave, it is not sexual, rather psychological, in both cases.
    There are things that I do to her, specific things that I order her to do/not do, that stimulate her sexually, but the primary want/need, is psychological.
    I hope I have not disrespected or offended your opinion in any way.
    Blessed Be

  10. Thanks for the comment.

    So, I have a question. If all your slave has are psychological needs then why does she need a D/s relationship?

    By my understanding, the only thing different between a vanilla and a ‘kink’ relationship is the power exchange which manifests itself as a need to be controlled or to control in ways which are more ‘extreme’. This inevitably becomes sexual because that is the ultimate way to humiliate/dominate/control/(insert your own kink here). Stripping back all the crap that people go on about, for 99.9999% of people in D/s relationships, bdsm is the thin layer of kinky icing on a vanilla relationship cake.

    Your slave does not have a selfless need to serve you. She has a need to be used in the ways that she wants. She does what she does in order to have her needs met and so do you. What you may think is a purely psychological want/need is rooted firmly in a more primal need for sexual power exchange.

    I’m not saying that everything is about the physical act of sex. Cleaning the toilet bowl with your tongue has nothing to do with the beast with two backs, but it crackles with the sexual power of dominance and submission and that’s what I mean when I say that D/s is all about physical needs/wants.

    k

  11. Why, then, would a person (male or female), who serves, do things that he/she does not like/want to do?
    If it is “sexual”, and being dominated is a “sexual” want/need, then, how can it “feel good” or “turn him/her on” to do something they are afraid of but do because it pleases his/her master?
    I am sorry if my text comes off as rude and disrespectful, nothing of the kind meant-just an interesting topic of discussion, imo.

  12. I think people on both ends of service often do things that they do not like/want to do. As an example I had to drink my own wee every morning for several months because I was in ‘piss-drinking’ training. I cannot describe how revolted I felt doing it and how many times I wanted just to pack it all in. On the other end of the stick, my domly one is not really into bondage, but he does it for me because he knows I like it. He doesn’t want to, but it does it all the same.

    So why do we do things that we don’t want to?

    In order that the other person will give us what we want. You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. Even if there is one thing that I don’t particularly like, if I’m good and keep him happy (generally by serving him in ways he enjoy but that I may not), something that I like will eventually come my way. Neither the act of service nor the act itself does anything. It’s what comes afterwards that feels good.

    I guess it’s similar to what a lot of masochists describe. They say that pain hurts – really hurts. It’s what comes after that is great.

    k

    P.S Great discussion!

  13. Hi,
    🙂
    I agree, nice discussion.
    My slave is also following this discussion with me.
    What she has to say is:
    “I feel that what you are saying, is that what we do will get us something we want back-in a sexual way.
    While that is possible, not always probable.
    What if you aren’t serviced or allowed to service in a sexual way at all?
    And isn’t a slave’s greatest pleasure truly to serve?
    Isn’t that something you want more than whatever kinks your master allows you in order to “keep you happy?””
    Me again:
    What she is saying, I think, and I agree with her, is that if a slave served because he/she wanted to serve, and for no other reason, not having any specific “I must have…”s set before being willing to serve, as long as he/she knows that this master will take care of her ***needs***.
    Food, drink, shelter, etc etc etc, then how can it be sexual?
    I see what you meant about the “tradeoff” but if there isn’t really any tradeoff except being able to serve, on the slave’s part, then how does that turn into something sexual?
    The control I took from Rebecca in the beginning was not sexual, and we agreed that we didn’t have to have that control be sexual, in fact, it most definitely wasn’t, for a very long time.
    Now it is, but even now, most of the things we do are things I want to do.
    And things she may happen to enjoy, things she may not enjoy.
    But the most for her is knowing she is doing what I want, making me happy.
    And that’s all she needs.
    I might add that we are married and felt that this would not be something that had to carry over into our sexual life, because she enjoyed being held at that time, as we made love, and I enjoyed holding her.
    Which is why as I said, the control I have over her, and had in the beginning never turned into anything sexual.
    Also adding in the fact that I am blind, and have no local mentors to teach me all of the “how to’s” on different kinky toys, or bondage techniques, and one might think that our sex life was vanilla, while her every day life-what she eats, drinks, how much, when, etc etc etc, is what is controled, and she doesn’t really expect back.
    So I’m still having a hard time, seeing how power exchange is something sexual-but nice to see different views on things, at any rate.
    Blessed be
    PS: I did add you to my friends list, I was wondering if you would like to do the same-if not it’s fine, i am just wondering because i’ve seen you respond and write entries but still see that only i list you as a friend.
    🙂

  14. This is just getting more interesting by the second! Lol..

    Thanks for sharing with me a little bit of your background and some information about your type of relationship.

    I think at this stage, my biggest question is what do you think makes your relationship a bdsm one? I’m not suggesting that it’s not or anything, I’m just curious about what seperates bdsm from certain types of marriages (in reflecting on my previous marriage in Japan I realised that I was actually doing more ‘serving’ in that non-bdsm marriage and all that was missing was the sexual power exchange).

    A lot of people are in very controlling relationships and many come under the scary title of ‘marriage’ (lol…)Many people, eventhough they do not define themselves as ‘slaves’ (in the bdsm sense), have no freedom of choice or rights in their relationship. And some people (generally women) wait on their partner hand and foot. Is this not also service? Because of this, I can only come to the conclusion that it is the ‘sexual’ parts of the relationship that make bdsm differ from other ‘traditonal’ types of relationships and by ‘sexual’ I mean the act of ‘use’. Use is what I believe is the result of a sexual power exchange.

    My owner doesn’t use me for sex in the traditional sense. He has never penetrated me, but I would definitely define his use of me as sexual. For me, it is this use that seperates this relationship from a vanilla one and not the serving that I do out of duty in my role.

    k

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