I’m a slave without rights and choices….
….at least that’s the correct answer in my interrogation sessions with Master. Along with the ‘What are you?’s and the ‘What are you for?’s there are also the ‘What don’t you have?’s – the answer to the latter of course being ‘rights and choices’. But just because I don’t have any rights or choices doesn’t make things any easier. In fact, my choice not to have choices and the right to not have any rights causes me as much angst as having to make choices and exercise my rights. Like everyone else I have that gnawing fear of, ‘Did I make the right decision?’
Sitting here staring at my screen under much duress to ‘do a pre-departure blog or else’ (I’m heading home for a couple of weeks, in case I haven’t mentioned it) I had a look at a comment on a recent entry:
‘…it does make interesting reading, all this neurosis about your choice and so on, I dunno. I am a bit obsessed with power relations outside of the context of sexuality (political and social philosophy) and I never really thought to consider the whole BDSM scene in that context until I stumbled on this site, or indeed, it has to be said power relations in wider society in the context of BDSM.’
Reading over it five or ten times, after which I think I finally got the gist, the phrases that jumped out at me were ‘neurosis about your choice’ and ‘power relations in wider society in the context of bdsm’. Being the hard-up-for-a-topic-slave that I am and wanting to push my belief (once again!) that bdsm is not a cure-all for people with fucked-up lives, I’ve pilfered the thoughts and now I’m going to run with them.
‘Did I make the right decision?’ is a question I ask myself nearly every minute of the day. Each decision I make breeds ten more decisions that have to be made and after I suffer through the making of each, I then like to drag mysef over the hot coals for a while longer and have a debate with myself about whether I made the ‘right’ decision or not. This procedure is the same whether I’m picking toast or cereal or breakfast or slavery or freedom for another day. And in the case of slavery or freedom, every act of submission is another choice in favour of slavery that is angsted about on the basis of whether it was right or not. Just because I decided to become a slave on June 6th, 2005 doesn’t mean that the deal was locked in as my ‘final answer’. I have to keep making that choice over and over again and each time I do it, I have that littlegnawing ‘Did I make the right decision?’ follow-up to deal with. Along with that comes the whole, ‘What the fuck am I doing?’, ‘What do my friends/ my family/ strangers on the street think of me?’, ‘Am I going to die alone without family/friends?’ etc. whirlpool that threatens to suck me under. But the interesting thing about that is that it would be the same scenario even if I was free. Even if I was free and married with ten kids, I’d still be asking, ‘Did I make the right decision?’.
This is where it comes back to bdsm is not a band-aid for your life. It doesn’t make anything easier- it’s just a different decision that people make in terms of what sort of relationship they will have. Similarly, gay people who ‘come out’ don’t magically find their problems fixed. Life is hard and making a choice about how you want to live your life is only the first step. Some people find god, some people find alcohol and some of us find bdsm. None of these things fix your life, though. Only you can.
Now, the other bit: power relations outside of the context of sexuality.
Hmmmm….personally….I don’t think the power exchanged in bdsm is anything but sexual power. While there may not necessarily be sex involved per se, the power exchanged will still give you a hard on. Mowing your Mistress’s lawn is masturbation material for some people, as much as licking clean a toilet bowl is for others. In essence, bdsm is about doing things that turn us on in one way or another. While the act itself is not something that we necessarily have to enjoy, sexual pleasure will be gained through the performance of the act -whether by submitting/enduring/physical sensation/feelings of control/pleasing and so on.
Power doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Power exists through relationships and unlike a 9-5 job that pays you to kow-tow to your boss, bdsm pays you by getting you warm and moist. No matter what some people say, they don’t exist ‘only to serve their master’ – they exist only to experience the hard on they get from serving their master. We give nothing without requiring to receive something in return and that, in essence, is how bdsm and in fact, society as a whole works.
Bdsm to me is the quintessential example of sexual power- at least that is what the underlying motivational force is.
Or is it just me who thinks that way?
Now my head hurts….lol. 2am and it’s time for this slave to be in bed.