Questions, questions, questions. Questions to the left of me, questions to the right of me and the most common question of late is:
‘So, what are you going to do?’
I have a huge problem answering this one because without knowing my ‘real’ role in life, I sound like nothing more than a well-educated hobo. A job here, some study there, moves from state to state and a couple of failed tests. Even though I’ve made leaps and bounds in the ‘other’ part of my life, people are more interested in the visible and outward side that goes on resumes and makes for polite dinner conversation.
I think that’s why I’m not very motivated to turn to the next page in my visible and outward life – it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, while the ‘real’ life is on the up and up. Not only have I been broken, but I’ve accepted what and who I am and now everything else seems like a ‘fill in’ at best, and a waste of time at worst.
I can imagine how people locked into marriages and tied down with children must feel. The desire to leave it all and be who they really are must be incredibly intense. To not be able to achieve what they want would be so soul-draining. I couldn’t do it. I don’t think I could ‘play’ at happy families with the fire in my belly burning brightly.
Walking through town today I came across the local talent quest with $2000 up for grabs as first prize. Amongst the country music crooners I thought that a pole dancer would make an interesting addition to the line up (although I’m not quite sure about the logistics of setting up a pole in the K-Mart plaza.) I saw the Australian Pole Dancer of 2007 at Sexpo last year and she was very talented indeed. Master keeps telling me I need some skills for when he ships me out to Kalgoorlie to make him some money – something to go on the ‘slave resume’ – and pole dancing seems to be a popular choice. Although, I do believe that people would be more inclined to give me money *not* to dance and *not* to take my clothes off.
I feel very comforted by the fact that Master isn’t heckling me to get a job. I am thankful that he’s not another person asking me, “So what are you going to do?” (I swear if I hear that question one more time I will poke someone with a very sharp stick!) I think he wants me to be happy and to be happy doing something that I want to do. While he would be happy just to take me to work with him and chain me under his desk, he also understands that I have a need to feel productive and that there are practicality issues involved…i.e. he would need to release me so I could get his cappucinos and that just wouldn’t be acceptable because I’m not free…..ever (^v^)