While I was home for holidays last month I explained to my mother the rules of the car spotting game:
“You get ten points for old vw bugs, fifteen points for new ones, twenty for a new range rover and fifty for a valiant ute”
“Ok,” she said. ” But what do you do with the points?”
“Umm…well, I get a reduction in the number of strokes I receive if they’re my points and M gets to increase the number of strokes with his points.’
“Wow,” laughing, she responded. “But just one thing….he doesn’t hurt you or anything does he?”
“Yeah, it hurts all the time.”
“But I mean he doesn’t like bruise you or anything does he?”
“And you like it?”
Shaking her head and laughing. “I think I must of dropped you on your head or something when you were growing up.”
At that point there was some more laughter from both sides and the topic changed.
To be honest, I don’t think that I’d get it either. Reading back over what I said to her that day, I’d be pretty damn well confused and thinking that I was suffering from some head trauma too.
After some thought and some hunting around on-line for a definition that seems to fit, I’ve gone back to the original latin meaning of submit which comes from the word submittere “to yield, lower, let down, put under, reduce,” from sub “under” + mittere “let go, send.”
Now, it may just be me, but I don’t see anything in there about ‘happily, with a big joyous smile on one’s face’ or ‘with great enthusiasm’. There’s nothing in that definition that says you have to like or enjoy it. Yes, there is an inference of willingness in that the person has to yield (give in, so to speak) or lower themselves, but it says nothing about there being blissful flights of angels to accompany it. You can be put in a situation where you have to yield or lower yourself, just because there is no other choice available to you and that is still submission.
More and more I’m thinking that submission is ‘doing things that you don’t want to do’. I mentioned the other day that I wasn’t broken to my slavery until I was ‘made’ to do something that I would never,ever agree to doing. That to me was a time when there was ‘pure submission’ because I didn’t want to do it 100% but had to do it anyway.
So I don’t like pain and sometimes ‘obeying’ is just a big pain in the ass. That brings us to the big question, “What do I get out of my submission?”
I don’t know is the honest answer.
I don’t have a burning need to serve and please- of course I prefer Master to be happy than angry or sad, but serving and pleasing are not so much driving needs as requirements of the ‘job’. I can quite happily go for hours laying on the floor watching tv without having to get up every ten minutes to get Master this that or the other (^v^) I don’t need to be serving him in order to feel complete. Making Master coffee doesn’t make me feel complete nor does dressing in slut wear. (I personally think that I look like mutton dressed up as lamb most of the time, so I don’t get a huge amount of enjoyment in pleasing him in that sense. ) I think I get varying degrees of satisfaction more than anything else when I’ve managed to do what is required of me. Making Master cum or getting the froth on his cappuccino just right are things that give me a sense inside that I’ve ‘done good’. It’s that recognition that I enjoy more than the serving and pleasing per se.
There are times when I’ve been beaten when my ‘beating window’ was open and I’ve taken quite a solid beating and it’s never quite made me feel as ‘recognised’ as when I’ve struggled through a light beating. I guess for me I get a stronger sense of submission when it’s not so easy- when I’m doing things that I don’t want to do.
I think there needs to be another word for it. The word ‘submission’ seems to include too much acquiescence for my liking, although I don’t think that ‘Fucking doing crap’ has a good ring to it either. Any thoughts or suggestions?