BDSM is the kinky icing on a vanilla relationship cake

We’re back from Melbourne and a good time was had by all. 

A couple of things I really felt on this trip though were that one, I’m getting too old to stay in places where I can’t do ‘my thing’ and two, flying is getting worse and worse for me. My low-carb-no-red-meat regime went down an absolute treat with everyone we came across and by the end of the week I was pretty well fed-up with the eye-rolling and people telling me I was insane. On the flying side of things, I’ve never felt more like I wanted someone to put me out of my misery with a long sharp knife. I used to be able to semi-cope with flying but now I’m really starting to fear just how staggeringly awful it makes me feel. But we’re back home now and I’m surrounded by my soy protein isolate and there isn’t an aircraft to be seen, so all is good.

I was responding to a comment left on an earlier blog today and a thought came to me: BDSM is the kinky icing on a vanilla relationship cake. That’s all it is and nothing more. 

I think we’d all like it to be more. I think we’d like to know that bdsm relationships are somehow more intense or more ‘real’, requiring ‘deeper trust’ and loyalty yada yada yada. But you know, they ain’t and I think we’ve got to get off our high horses and smell the roses. I’ve been a bit guilty of this myself too- I had a tendency  to think that I was somehow better because I had a relationship that had evolved to a higher level requiring more trust, more commitment. Shesh! Looking back now I almost want to vomit.

In any type of relationship you’ve got have your cake and it’s got to be a well-made cake at that. Too crumbly, too moist, sagging in the middle or overcooked and your cake isn’t going to be ready to be iced. Some people also like to enjoy their cake without the icing and that’s just fine too. What isn’t different is the need to have a good stable cake- and I’d like to point out here that the cake is always, always vanilla flavour because that is how it is. Like it or not, the vanilla cake is the corner stone of being a member of society. Now whether you have icing with just a hint of flavour or icing of the dark, rich 100% chocolate variety is up to you. It’s your cake, you ice it how you want to.

The icing or frosting (for my readers in the US of A) is kink. It’s the little things you do that add to the cake; be they sitting on the floor or licking boots or whipping your slave or whatever. The important thing to remember is that they are all part of the icing, they have nothing to do with the cake. For some cakes, the icing might be kinky sex or it might be a latex fetish. But as I said before, icing doesn’t add or detract from the cake and some cakes are just damn fine without it.

It was very refreshing to finally come to that realisation. All these months and years that I’ve been angsting over the deeper meaning of D/s and the answer was there staring me in the face all along.

Now if only I wasn’t doing low carb – then I could have my cake and the icing too (^v^)

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13 thoughts on “BDSM is the kinky icing on a vanilla relationship cake

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  1. I’m just nodding my head off over here. I couldn’t agree more. We all want to think we have something deeper or better or more intense, but… alas…. not necessarily true.

  2. I’m not sure I agree on this.

    I agree with you in one respect – that without the cake, the icing doesn’t mean much. ie if you don’t have a great relationship then the kinky stuff won’t help it.

    And I would agree that a lot of people just add kink to their relationship in the same way that people add icing to a cake – as in, it’s just something that they slap on top every now and again, to keep things different and enjoyable.

    But I think in the best BDSM relationships, the element of kink ( call it closeness, connection, whatever ) can actually strengthen the base relationship. Almost as if the icing you’re adding seeps into the spongy bit of the cake and helps glue it together some more.

    I think I fluffed that analogy totally. Forgive me, it’s early, and I’ve only had one cup of coffee.

  3. You’ve confused me!

    I think it *is* more intense,….saying that i dont even have a bdsm realtionship its more…kinky taken in hand pet thing happening, i think my kink is in the cake not on top. I wouldnt have one without it :D. so its like…A lemon dirssle cake. Very much vannial untill you more lemon juice and little bits of rind on it.

    garg and i hate anagolgies kittten!

  4. I’ve been one of those dreaded lurkers and this post has compelled me to comment… I’ve had the same thoughts as you, that we had this superior relationship. When it comes down to it our relationship is just the same as the vanilla folk, we just have a little icing on the top. Oh… I usually never share the blogs I read with my partner but I had to with this one. All he could say was absolutely perfect! Bravo!

    Sweet Disaster

  5. Re: You’ve confused me!

    Well, if you hate analogies and I’ve successfully confused you, then my evil work here is done! Mmmwwwaaaahhhhh.

    So the real test of whether your kink is in the icing or the cake is, can you take away the kink and still have a relationship or not? If so, then you’ve got icing, if not, you’ve got kinky cake!

    k

  6. Ooooh, an outing of a dreaded lurker…sometimes I wonder just how many are around, but I’m resisting the urge to call for a general outing of the lurkers just to respect everyone’s ‘lurkiness’.

    I would think that 99.9% of us bdsmers have the icing to varying thicknesses and flavours….and just between you and me, I’ve come to the realisation that I wouldn’t have it any other way- because sometimes I just like to have cake.

    k

  7. Goodie! Someone is disagreeing! Lol.

    So if the icing can seep into the cake and make it stronger aren’t you still saying that cakes with icing are somehow ‘better’? And by the same line of thought, if there isn’t icing on a kinky cake, then it’s a recipe for disaster because it doesn’t have the strengthening agent? (Sorry, I had to throw that pun in there…I’ve have tea and waffles!)

    k

  8. It’s almost like we are relationship martyrs in that somehow our suffering makes our relationship more real. I also guess there is a part of me that hopes that my suffering gives us a better relationship…because after all, pain sucks…lol.

    k

  9. I have now had three cups of coffee, a can of coke, and some black tea. Hopefully I will therefore be a bit more lucid…..

    Am I saying that cakes with icing are somehow better ? To some extent, yes.

    I firmly believe that relationships with a kinky element to them have a natural advantage over vanilla relationships. Why ? – because in order to have a kinky relationship, you have to bare the depths of your soul to your partner. You need to tell them that you are into this and that perversion, why you like it – all these things. And what I’ve tended to find, is that once you’ve spilled your soul about your sexual preferences, it becomes much easier to be open about other things.

    I’ll give you an example. When I was married, I couldn’t tell my wife anything about my fantasies. So when I went online I ended up lying to her. When I bought porn, I hid it. When I talked to likeminded people, I had to pretend I didn’t. Lies bred lies – to the point where I found we didn’t know each other at all.

    Whereas with my current partner – she already knows that I’m into bondage, caning and cutting. What else could I hide from her that would be more shameful than that ? So as a result, she and I have probably the most honest and open relationship I’ve ever had.

    I’m not saying that all kinky relationships are better than all vanilla relationships ( or that all cakes with icing are better than all cakes without icing ) Like you say, some kinky relationships aren’t built on solid foundations, and some vanilla relationships are pretty damn strong.

    All I’m saying is that the trust and openness that a good kinky relationship requires is a really powerful tool in building a strong foundation.

    Or, in much simpler terms: icing can really really help make your cake better.

    You talk in your post about the ‘ deeper meaning of D/s ‘ To my mind, that’s what this is – a trust and honesty engendered by a more open discussion of each other’s sexual needs and desires. Nothing more, nothing less.

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