The fire that burns brightest consumes the most

“I want to drink ONLY from His chalice of pain.”
                                                        Mother Theresa

In between calls at work yesterday I picked up a copy of an old TIME magazine and flicked through to an article about Mother Teresa. The article was discussing her almost fifty-year long period of ‘deep darkness’ – a time in which her faith that her prayers were being listened to had wavered. This period in her latter life contrasted starkly to when she had first set out on her religious path. In the beginning she had been consumed by a fervent and consuming need to experience the Passion of Christ and she had several communications with Jesus in which he revealed to her that she was to be his vessel. It was during this time that she made the comment above. Sadly, the remainder of her life was spent feeling abandoned and alone without affirmation of her work from her Lord.

I’m not an expert in religious theory, but I’ve often thought that D/s is very similar to religion in many ways. The set-up is very similar, a ‘divine being’, a willing follower, obligatory suffering and a sense of connection when it’s all working. The are rites and rituals, gatherings of like-minded ‘believers’ and sects that seem to spring up all over the place each with their own trappings, rules and entrance procedures. Certain titles and pronouns mysteriously get capital letters and humbled followers do a lot of kneeling and grovelling in the dirt. We go down the ‘path of’ D/s, we take vows of commitment and trust and when things go wrong ‘confess’ to our wrong-doings. If that ain’t like most religions then I don’t know what is.

Now, when I started down the ‘path of D/s’…lol…I was exceptionally passionate about it and was consumed by a burning need to serve. It really was a religious experience for me because I felt as though I had found the thing I had been looking for. The thing that was going to fill the void in my soul was burning in my belly. I was in a religious ecstasy. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I could see nothing else. At that stage I would of done anything, absolutely anything to please my ‘God’ and nothing was standing in my way. That is the only wayI can explain why I did what I did, and when I think of it now, my ‘zombie-like’ obedience at the time scares the living daylights out of me.

My passion was fueled by my fantasies and as my fantastical dreams were slowly replaced by the realities of someone who wasn’t a god and wouldn’t take me to golden realms of spiritual and emotional fulfillment, my fire died. It was hard to let it die out though, and I stubbornly kept throwing little wooden chances at it in an attempt to breathe some life into it, but eventually my slave fire died a painful, slow death.

After that I went through the obligatory “I’m not worthy” period and wallowed in self-pity and despair for several months until I was rescued by Master. My slave fire was re-ignited, but it never burned quite as brightly as it first did. Once bitten, twice shy. Once burned, twice scarred.

Every now and then though, I feel the flicker of flames in an absolutely intense need to be used and abused. I want to drink from his chalice of pain and I feel a consuming need to prove my faith and devotion.Those times are seemingly random in occurrence, but I supposed they coincide with a feeling of being alone or abandoned. Too long in the dark and you yearn for the light. 

Master also seems to feel the fire on occasion. He told me once that the times he wants to hurt me the most, are the times when he loves me the most. My tears are fuel for his passion, my pain is a cup he wants to drink from.

Amen

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15 thoughts on “The fire that burns brightest consumes the most

Add yours

  1. sweetie your going to have stop being a sinner and non believer and worship your God with more passion and devotion or l am going to have convert you again with the cane.

    Master

  2. Fires

    Seems my “fire” fades to embers and then gets fueled again. i mentioned to Master that i wish i had a switch so that i could turn it “up” for Him.
    He said He had a switch – His paddle on my ass works “just fine.”

    kJ
    browneyedgirl
    findingsubmission.blogspot.com

  3. I have also considered the similarities between religion and D/s. You express it very well in your post. I believe that when we find someone worthy of our passion (both in religion and in D/s) it is easier to keep that passion strong. Though in any relationship, reality creeps in and some of the passion dies down. The true test is whether we can continue the devotion without the passion.
    Alice
    http://alicedownarabbithole.blogspot.com/

  4. My tears are fuel for his passion, my pain is a cup he wants to drink from.

    thats what the sadist tells me when he has brought forth my tears.

    thanks for this kitten, you said it better than i ever could.

  5. Not wishing to be pithy, or destructive, or in any way destructive – and I do thank you for sharing all your interesting ideas in such an open and frank manner; but I respectfully predict that your feelings of submissiveness, of slavery, are coming to a gradual end. I think you know this; and I think your Master knows it, too. The comments you made earlier about the effect work is having upon your willingness to serve were revealling, I think; but revealling not in the way in which you yourself framed them; rather, I offer the idea that you were able to take the job in the first place exactly because you are moving away from the D/s life you have been living. Your blogs are strewn with indications of your wilfulness – which whilst being a fully natural feature of human behaviour is, in D/s, a sign of unsuitability; especially after so long trying to live that life. The tendency, in short, is away from perfecting the life of a slave, and ever toward some kind of intermitent, playful, sessional relationship with Domininance and submission.

    allison

  6. I think D/s in its beginning stages burns very brightly and intensely for everyone. But something at that intensity can only be sustained for so long and eventually something has to give. That’s why we see so many relationships of this nature fizzle out relatively quickly – you’ve either got to grow into something else or move away and out.

    I’d like to think that Master and I have found a nice little equilibrium and while the sessions are yummy, the togetherness is also warm. It’s so nice to know that I can have the spanks as well as the cuddles.

    k

  7. Again and again, we need to remind ourselves than there exists no real hierarchy within the d/s world… I can’t possibly imagine what a “slave contest” or a “master contest” would entail, but certainly nothing of even the slightest bit of value… what’s important is always relative, a question of the dynamics of a relationship — there is no right and wrong in terms of love, even bdsm, and there is no “perfect slave”, or better submissives, or purer masters (ugh!) — that’s pure and utter claptrap. I think we can still embrace our desires and inclinations even if they don’t make any sense, and even if these values are steeped in contradiction — frankly, that’s half the fun. C’mon!

    -Kevin

  8. message from slaveasa

    Saw your comment on slave register and looked up your profile. What a beautiful creature you are!! I didn’t realize you were so young (no I’m not talking down to you), but that may be part of your impatience. The example of Mother Teresa is a good one, even though she doubted, and her faith was tested, she continued to acted on her faith. Your partner probably isn’t perfect, but talking and trying corrects a lot, and yes, you do get credit for extra effort. Live day to day and don’t get in so much of a hurry. The hottest fires take a long time to heat up, but they last a long time.

  9. Re: message from slaveasa

    Maybe my fire has had a few false starts and is getting to its hottest point?

    Or maybe I was just hotter than a prepubescent teenager’s crotch to begin with and now I’m at a normal temperature?!?!

    k

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