My kink is your kink is my kink

I think the thing that has surprised me most in this lifestyle is not the kinks that people have but the narrow-minded judgmental people that exist across other facets of society that I didn’t expect to find in BDSM.

Mistress Blair, my friendly neighbourhood botty-beating dommely one, left this comment on a recent blog of mine and I actually have to say that I can’t agree more. More than any kinky act that I’ve seen or funky attire paraded in front of me, the thing that has amazed me the most is how quickly many members of the so-called ‘open-minded, free and easy’ kink lifestyle are wont to judge. In fact, I think many people in the lifestyle are more bitchy than a tea room full of women in a small office. And even though kink is such a personal thing, there seems to be a prevailing attitude of ‘it’s my way or the highway’ amongst people. So much so that it seems that people in the lifestyle come across as much more particular and demanding than anyone in the ‘nilla world.

‘Kink folk=closed-minded’ seems like such a wrong equation, but it seems to be adding up more and more these days.

A good example of this is what happened to recently to Mistress Blair and her pup. Pup is a fanatical foot fetishist and a lot of their play obviously involves foot worship and boot licking and so forth. At a recent party in which participation (active play) was mandatory, she was informed that they’d need to do some ‘real play’ because what they did wasn’t ‘active enough’! I laughed so hard when I heard about this. From out of the blue some imaginary hierarchy of kink play had been created where certain forms were okay and others weren’t. Who the hell has the right to decide this?

I also have a bit of an issue about the whole mandatory play thing. Yes, I understand it’s to stop voyeurs simply coming and not contributing to the group, but what if you don’t feel like playing on the night? What if you’re just not in the mood? Should you have to play just because it’s the group rule?  It’s a bit like having to get a tick on your report card to say that you’ve brought your lunchbox before you can sit down in your seat in the classroom for the lesson. I don’t see why people just can’t get together, have a bit of a chat, do what they want and then leave.

Now, I’ll have to admit that I’ve thought a few things that have been done at parties have not been….ummm….how shall we say?….’productive’. Mostly this has been due to OH&S reasons, but I’ve never openly made a comment and why should I? Obviously if a person is in danger it is up to the people there to step in to help the person involved- that’s just commonsense and good citizenship- but if something is done that is someone’s else’s kink and not mine, and that’s the only reason I didn’t feel good about it, that’s fine by me. Whatever rocks their boat is A. O. K. Free to be you and me is my policy. Why other people feel the need to have less constructive policies is beyond me.

So on that note, I’ll end rant number 1,000,0001 because working bitch girl needs her sleep.


9 thoughts on “My kink is your kink is my kink

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  1. “‘Kink folk=closed-minded’ seems like such a wrong equation, but it seems to be adding up more and more these days.”

    I’ve noticed that myself. I actually got a huge amount of condescending looks and all kinds of holier than thou in a discussion where I emphatically stated I would keep my vanilla friends and that the longer I was in the lifestyle the less I wanted to know only people in the lifestyle. (This was in a group of women submissives talking about how their social interactions had changed and how much more wonderful it was to be open with their friends now that everyone they knew was lifestyle. Ironic, isn’t it?) My friends are my friends because they can accept all of me and that’s surprisingly difficult to find within lifestyle-only bunches of people.

  2. For a lot of people, just attending the party is being active since they can only do so like that. I can’t believe there was a demand for more showy play. Talk about voyeurs! Don’t play unless it’s play I can get into or like. Hmmph. If play were mandatory at the parties I attend then I wouldn’t be attending. Sometimes the whole purpose is for me to be deeply in my place and not actually do any playing.

  3. kink

    I couldn’t agree more. Coming into this lifestyle I expected some kind of sense of commrodary because I thought we we’ve all in the kinky boat together. An “us” against “them” menatality. Turns out I couldn’t have been more wrong. Daddy and I are into bloodsports and I’ve been shocked by the some of the reactions we’ve gotten from other so-called open minded kinky people. It hurt my heart to realize that some in the kinky community are not all that open-minded.

  4. ” I think the thing that has surprised me most in this lifestyle is not the kinks that people have but the narrow-minded judgmental people that exist across other facets of society that I didn’t expect to find in BDSM. “

    Damn right. I expected like-minded souls. I got morons.

  5. so im guessing that was the party where the *hosts* disappeared to play in private??? what a crock of shit…first the demands on *having* to play and now *your play isnt showy enough*, who do these people think they are? glad i didnt go.
    i choose to play or not and be buggered if someone is going to dictate that apart from me.
    but yeah kitten, bdsm folk = the most judgemental people i have ever met.

  6. Hey some of my best friends are judgemental even my parents but thats their way and nothing wrong with that, if they didn’t have judgemental views where would comedieans get material for their shows about rednecks, politicians, religious leaders and so on.

    Judgemental people like bigots, racists and homophobiacs only get satisfaction when we give them a reaction they feed on being right and they need to know that they have told the wicked amongst them about their sins.

    As l said in a previous post its all white noise to me.

    I do believe in the rights of others are important as when you take away their rights your taking away mine and thats why democratic societies have thrived and totalarian ones have declined over history of man.

    But just because you call yourself a kinkster doesn’t make you liberal minded


  7. I could write an essay on the close minded views of a lot of kink people but I won’t as it just riles me up. I’ve never met a more narrow minded bunch of people in my whole life and I’m old.

  8. What makes me sadder than the people who are intolerant to other people’s kink is the newbies who take it closer to heart and start saying things like “I don’t really consider what I’m doing as BDSM because I’m doing it wrong”. As far as I can tell, and certainly as far as I believe, there is no such thing as “wrong” when it comes to BDSM.

    As far as the party with the mandatory play, aren’t there better ways to discourage voyeurs who are just there for the show? And I can’t see how foot fetishism isn’t demonstrative enough. I haven’t done any public play (yet), but my master and I have discussed it and have considered going to a play night near where he lives. Interestingly they just changed their dress code in an effort to discourage the voyeurs, but they’re very open about the fact that they will *not* force anyone to play. Having not played in public before, I appreciate that because I have no idea how I’d feel about it the first time (although I’m not likely to get a choice either way). I don’t know if this party was an established group or a private affair, but I would think that if it was something private, wouldn’t just not inviting the voyeurs do the trick? And if it’s public, I still think there’s a better way than insisting everyone play. In a way, it’s another way of forcing someone into your kink. (And limiting what sort of play is “acceptable” really is forcing others into your kink.)

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