Processing

Last Saturday night I think I was broken again. It’s actually taken me a week of mulling and pondering and dragging over the details in my head before I could even put fingers to keyboard to write about it. I started writing last night,  but ended up deleting what I’d written, closed the top of my laptop and went to bed. Sleep seemed a lot easier than visiting the ghosts again.

In retrospect it wasn’t something that was particularly difficult. It didn’t hurt physically and was very tame compared to some other things I’ve done in my time. But as I’ve said before, my buttons for breaking are turning out to be surprising simple – being butt naked in front of a crowd of people and the latest: inserting toys in my holes as people watched.

In order to do it, I had to not give a fuck. In order to do it, I had to throw my pride out the window. In order to do it, I had to be slave and not be me. All in all, it ranks way up there with some of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but to kneel there under the spotlight as I lubed up each toy, spread my cheeks and lips and inserted them was such a hard thing for me to do.

I started out kneeling on the spanking bench and reaching behind to insert, but my incredible level of mortification was making my muscles contract and nothing was getting inserted anywhere.

“Is it in yet?” I heard someone behind me say.

I was laughing from the shame, attempting to stop myself from crying and it was making things worse.

“I can’t do it in this position!” I was quickly moving from thoroughly mortified, to panic verging on wanting to die.

“Well, get into a position that you can do it in!” Master didn’t even pause in his video shooting. He was making sure that every millisecond of my shame was being recorded.

I ended up kneeling on the floor, which actually gave the people watching abetter view.

“You should see what we can see from here, kitten!” The ever-helpful Mistress Blair chimed in.

I think what made things worse was that Master had had me bring the smallest of the small butt plugs and I couldn’t even get it in. The small, white butt plug is about as thick as your finger and embarrassingly tiny. Even though something bigger would have hurt, at least it would of kept intact my slave pride. If I’d had, say, Mr Purple, people would have understood my issues with inserting and I would have received some sort of praise, but the white training plug just made me want to hang my head in slave shame.

I don’t know whether Master made me bring that one on purpose  or not, but I’m more inclined to think that he brought that one in consideration of the fact that I haven’t had anything up my ass for several months. I think he was taking pity on me and trying to take things easy on me. While I appreciate the thought, I really would have preferred to have struggled with something more challenging.

After much  pushing and coaxing they were finally in and I put back on my leather bikini. The people watching wandered off in search of further entertainment and Master re-leashed me and went back to sit on the lounge and watch the next subbie boy being tormented, dragging me with him. 

I still wanted to dissolve and was fighting back tears. Emotionally I was heading for a black hole that was sucking me in fast.

We left the party soon after that and I was irrationally angry and upset. I hated that he made me do something that had me feeling like I could never show my face in public again. I’d worked hard to form a certain reputation for myself as a non-noob slave. I could take a reasonable beating without a sound and had conquered the whole naked-in-public-fear thing. I had a feeling that I’d just fallen right back to square one and I was hurt. I felt violated and dirty.

Master came home and immediately downloaded what photos and video he had taken to his iMac. Seeing the images of myself across his screen was making me physically sick. I just wanted to curl up in bed way from the world. But of course, the evening had excited him and seeing the photos had put him in the ravishing frame of mind so off to his bed I was ordered.

I had another good sob and did a bit of screaming at him about exactly how wrong the whole thing had made me feel. The fact that he didn’t give a shit also pissed me off. He didn’t think it was such a big deal, but I had gone completely over the edge and wasn’t coming back for anyone.

The next day I felt worse. The crying had made my eyes swell up and I had a splitting headache. I asked if we could postpone the bondage afternoon with a friend that had been planned. Master still seemed highly amused about how easily my buttons had been pushed but agreed to postpone it and rang our friend to explain the situation. 

It took me several more days to fully forgive Master, and a few more days before I could look at the photos and the video of the night. Emotionally I’m still a bit raw, but also feeling rather silly at my over-reaction. I don’t know exactly why the night had such a profound effect on me, but I’m beginning to think that it was the injury to my slave pride that hurt me the most. 

As a slave, without choices, rights or anything to my name, the only thing I thought I have is my pride. Without it, I’m nothing. But is it his plan to take that away from me as well? 

Is a slave nothing without pride or should a slave have nothing including pride?

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14 thoughts on “Processing

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  1. I believe you have every right to feel good about yourself and confident in who you are. I hope both of these return to you soon. ***Sending lots of healing and hugs your way***

  2. processing

    I guess the ‘correct’ slave answer would probably be that a slave shouldn’t or can’t have pride either, but that isn’t humanly possible I think. Even though we are slaves that have given everything up, we are still human beings with feelings after all. Personally, I’m incredibly jealous that you got to play in public. To be seen and watched by so many people is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time now, but it’s not possible (least not right now) I have no expierence for myself, but I imagine the reality of actually playing in public is something totally different than my fantasies and I would probably end up feeling a lot like you do. I hope it gets better for you. *hugs*

  3. You may feel as though you’ve lost your pride kitten, but to me reading your blog and also your Master’s blog about the night I honestly think you still have it.
    You served your Master well, even though it was going against the grain. You held yourself together and with pride in front of everyone. Ok so you had a go at your Master later on. That doesn’t make you any less of a slave nor does it mean you’ve lost anything.
    As I mentioned in another blog (I think it was on your Masters’) that maybe you had been broken again and you feel you have been.

    You say he didn’t seem to give a shit, but I bet anything he knew exactly what you were going through and his love and respect for you would have been overflowing. Men even Masters’ really aren’t known for their emotions and can appear one way but are feeling another. They are from Mars, or some so called Masters’ from really from Uranus…. PMSL

    I bet any money there were other sub/slaves there who were thinking OMFG she is SO cool I could never do that.
    Shit there will be people who are reading your blog and thinking the same thing.

    I understand it’ll take a bit to come to terms with that play but please don’t feel bad or feel as though you’ve lost something. You are a good person and you two have such a great relationship. I feel as though this will just make you stronger. Like your fear of answering the phones and conquering that by working in a call centre. Well your fear of doing toy play in front of people has now been challenged as well.
    You are STRONG!!!! Reveal in that….

    Huuuuuuuugs

  4. sweetie your a slave and whatever you felt wanted or needed isn’t important at all, what was important is you transcended your needs and fears and met mine.

    was very proud of you, understood your mood afterwards and the l’m going to kill you for doing that to me attitude afterwards, part of the fun of seeing react to what you had done.

    but your my slave and what happens is determined by me for my pleasure not yours, your pleasure derives from giving me what l want and when l want it.

    Master

  5. As always, I have the utmost admiration for you. I totally understand how you felt that night, I would have wanted to die, that’s if I ever could have gone through with it at all, which I doubt. I don’t think you have anything to feel silly about at all.

    And I really understand how you feel that maybe you were mostly upset because you weren’t graceful during the whole insertion process. Sometimes I get really shitty and take it out on Master, when really, I’m shitty and disappointed with myself.

    Maybe next time you are in that situation, try to think about what you would be thinking if you were a bystander, watching someone else do the same thing. Most likely you would probably be admiring who ever it was, even if they are struggling. Because we all know that is the hardest time to submit, when it’s something we really don’t want to do, but do anyway.

  6. ” Is a slave nothing without pride or should a slave have nothing including pride? “

    God, that’s a tough question. ( Have I told you recently how much I enjoy your blogs ? )

    I guess for me, if a Dom chooses to subject his slave to an activity that causes her to feel shame and humiliation, stripping her of pride, then he is entitled to do that.

    But then I would also say that any slave who allows him to do that can feel the pride in knowing that she has served to the best of her abilities.

    So in allowing him to strip her of one kind of pride, she gains another.

  7. I think you should be very proud of yourself, for having done something so difficult (physically and emotionally!) because he wanted you to. I would second the last line of the previous post – by allowing your Master to strip away that layer of pride you’ve been developing as a tough non-noob slave, you’ve earned another kind of pride. Your reaction makes perfect sense too – probably pretty normal after such an intense humiliation scene – so I hope you took it easy on yourself for a few days!

    *hug*

  8. Thank you for such a lovely comment! It was truly heart-warming to read such a supportive and encouraging tribute to my ‘strength’.

    I think my previous ‘owner’ was from Uranus…or at least he had all the traits of someone from Uranus…*snicker*

    k

  9. Have I told you recently how much I enjoy your comments? (^v^)

    I guess if you can wrap your head around the fact that you can take pride in not having pride, then everything would be sweet. Personally, I’m still struggling a bit with that one.

    k

  10. Mostly I’m shitty with Master for putting me through such situations…because afterall, I’m the perfect slave and not allowing me to appear as such is more than an ample reason to get shitty with him! Lol…

    I think if I was a bystander, I wouldn’t even want to watch- just because I’d be cringing so much in sympathy with the person!

    k

  11. Re: processing

    I don’t mind…ummm…actually let me re-phrase that…I’ve learned to accept and even sometimes find a little bit of perverse pleasure in public play, but I don’t think it’s anything like the fantasy I used to have.

    I can cope with the nakedness and bootlicking and beatings in public, but insertion into holes is something I still need to work on.

    k

  12. I’ve wanted to tell you for a while that I am also just really envious of the experiences you describe in these posts. It has been a very long time since someone made me feel so raw, and as hard as it is at the time and as hard as it is to put the pieces back together afterwards, those experiences are also so important and special. For the longest time my main goal as a sub was to find someone who could take me there and put me through the sorts of things you talk about. I have had to put those fantasies aside because Amo has no interest in that sort of play – so there are days when I read about your experiences at a play party and your processing/recovery afterwards, and I am just so damn jealous!

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