During ravishing mode the other night Master revealed a little entree of his plans for me:
‘You do realise that I’m going to keep violating you and breaking you down until there is nothing of ‘you’ left.’
For mains, he went on to instruct me to change my email address, because it has my real name in it ,and to label my occupation on Facebook as ‘slave’. Dessert was some talk about removing the last vestiges of ‘henny penny-ness’ from my wardrobe by throwing out all my non-slut wear.
I’ve learned to filter out a lot of what he says during ravishings and just nod and answer yes when it’s appropriate because I’ve come to realise that his talk during ravishings is his porn. Like the little snippets of bound, beaten and blatantly fucked girls I look at when I need a porn fix, Master likes to weave his own images through his words. Certain phrases are repeated on a constant basis, but sometimes, like the delicious morsel above that he dished out to me, his words stick in my mind.
I think it was just after I’d written my last blog about feeling violated in a bad way that he decided to remind me that the events of that fateful party were going to be repeated. He intends to break down my pride and shame and sear it all in a fire of humiliation. I don’t so much have an issue with what he intends to do, but more with why he wants to do it. I somehow have a feeling that my slavery is lacking and that’s why he wants to ramp things up a bit, but does breaking me down in that way until there is nothing but kitten left somehow make me more submissive, or does he just enjoy the opportunity to exercise his total power over me? It’s times like this, I wish I was a mind-reader instead of just a slut-whore-fire bitch.
I’ve always found the idea of being nothing but a compliant piece of slave meat very appealing. A romantic fantasy of total submission in which I didn’t baulk at anything at all is something that has kept me warm on cold lonely nights. I haven’t reached that point by far, and I wonder if I ever will…. then I wonder if I really want to get to that point anyway.
Then I remember that it’s not up to me to decide that anyway!
And just as an end note, I’ve written before about my feelings regarding ‘bdsm and appropriateness’. Basically I just think that you shouldn’t push your beliefs into other people’s faces- whether they be religious, fetish-inspired or otherwise. Therefore, I think that having a ‘public persona’ and a ‘private persona’ is prudent behaviour and I cringe at the implications of filling out future job applications with an email address of firstname.lastname@example.org. My Facebook account is something that I’ve been using to link up with friends from my present and past, and while I’m sure that Master would argue that listing your occupation as ‘slave’ is no different to listing your marital status as ‘married’, the reality is that it is quite different. In an ideal world it wouldn’t matter what you identified yourself as, but in our current very-far-from-ideal world it’s a big deal that no-one is quite ready to deal with.