There’s a bit of a conundrum that surrounds the whole submission/dominance thing for me. I mean, I’m not a willing slave and I don’t go down the path of submission without a fight. In fact, I scratch and claw before I’m being put in my place, while I am being put in my place and for several hours/days after I’ve been put in my place. I don’t like the fight, the feeling of humiliation nor being made to swallow my pride and quite frankly it hurts me emotionally. I often find myself left feeling very raw and vulnerable. Of course, on the surface I’m trying to be a good obedient girl. I don’t say no, or pull away, but you’d only have to look at my eyes to see the whirlwind of emotion circling inside.
While I don’t enjoy all the messy stuff that accompanies the emotional storm, I do enjoy the feeling of resignation and helplessness I am left with after the storm has passed. I like to tug on the bonds to know they’re not coming loose. I like to know that I’m mounted and no amount of squirming on my part is going to let me get away. I like to know that I’m there existing completely on the whims of my owner, as nothing more than a piece of property. It’s very calming being there in the eye of the storm, but the journey to get there and then exiting back out through the storm again are tough.
Master loves it when I’m obedient and also when I fight. He enjoys seeing me present my ass without a murmur, but also loves to see me struggle. Nothing turns him on more than when he sees the storm in my eyes. Of course, when he gets hot and horny, he pushes me more and the storm gets bigger. Emotionally, the calming eye where I’m resigned to accepting my fate moves father away and I spend more time in the storm….which he sees in my eyes and it gets him hornier….and the storm gets bigger…and well….you get the point, I’m sure. Therein lies the conundrum. Seeing me struggle to submit makes him horny, which makes him want to see me struggle more. He pushes me to see me struggle more and I can’t help myself but take the bait. I respond with the ‘defiant tone’ and ‘the eyes’ and my standard answer to his mindfuck questions of, “Shall I beat you/strip you naked and take you shopping/make you wear your leash to work etc.?” becomes “You can do whatever you wish.” In those situations, I can do nothing but wait for him to exhaust himself or pray that he decides to flip his horniness off/on switch himself. If I try to do anything, it just makes him horny again. Lol.
I think I spent about 4hrs being ravished/interrogated today. It was long, and his mindfuck question of choice was, “Shall I make you wear your butt plug and vibe out shopping?” I mean, seriously, how is a girl supposed to answer a question like that? Say no and you’re fucked, say yes and you’re still fucked. It annoys me that he asks those type of questions and waits for an answer knowing full-well that I can’t give him one. That’s generally when the eyes flash and the words that come out of my mouth are, “You can do whatever you wish.” He of course, then gets horny and decides to ramp it up by adding uber slut wear and my tallest stiletto boots to the equation.
Four hours of interrogation with his fist curled tightly around my hair, a finger through the O-ring of my collar pulling my face to within an inch of his face, both arms pinned down to the bed and rapidly losing bloodflow and all the while he’s asking question after brain-washing question about my status as slave meat. He punctuates my answers with kisses, nipple-tweaking, pinching and fingering. Every now and then he pulls my leg over his thigh and spanks my ass hard and fast. Sometimes I cry and it makes him do it more. But throughout it all there is the rapid staccato of questions, questions and more questions. In a different century, I’m sure he would have earned a place with the Spanish Inquisition’s best.
He feeds off my pain and fear like a drug to a junkie. I give him my struggle and storm to feed his addiction. He can’t stop taking and I can’t stop giving; and so continues the cycle of Master and slave.