Life long learning

One of the hardest parts for me about being a slave is having my programme re-written. It’s hard to unlearn years of second-nature behaviours and have them replaced with things so different to my norm that they only used to exist in the realm of my fantasies. Having me let go of the old me and embrace the new kitten seems to be Master’s new theme for interrogation times and this weekend really was a  *learning* experience.

In the two years we’ve been together Master has asked me a bazillion times, ‘What are you?’ Now, my brain knows the answer to this question. My mouth knows the answer to this question. But my heart has never really *known* the answer to this question. To all extents and purposes, in my heart I still am the same person that I was two years ago, but through Master’s eyes I am a very different person. In fact, through his eyes I’m not even a person at all; I’m his piece of slavemeat and nothing more.

When do you really *know* the answer to a question? And when can you accept something so completely different to what you know that it’s the same as calling day, ‘night’ or black, ‘white’. When exactly is it that you can overcome what you have learned and accept what you know?

In retrospect, ‘What are you?’ has turned into a very tough question for me to answer. I guess more than anything because it requires me to accept the new me. It requires me to break down the walls that I’ve erected around the last vestiges of ‘me’ , allowing  the tide to come in and wash the slate clean and start from scratch again. But this time, I will not be something of my making, I will be something of his making.
 
Funnily enough, I’ve said to Master many, many times that I am ‘your slave’, but I guess I haven’t really meant it. I’ve said it as the ‘correct answer’ to his question, but I’ve never really felt it in my heart. I’ve held that last little tight ball of me so very close, with my hand curled around it in a death-grip. I don’t want to let it go because it’s me, it’s all I have left. It’s a bit like my slave pride that rears its ugly head every now and then- the one that puts out the challenge that I’ll be damned to lose.

Master says that he can see very clearly the two personalities inside me- the old and the new. He often says to me, ‘That’s not kitten talking’ when I’m not being very ‘slavey’. My knee-jerk reaction to everything that scares me or puts me out of my comfort zone is to bring the old me to the foreground. I use her to deal with everything that I don’t like, and among other things she’s my self-flaggellation post and my shame cushion. In fact, she’s there for so much bad stuff that she has come to epitomize everything that I hate. As a result she’s something that I don’t like and don’t want to be….but she’s still my refuge in times of need.

I don’t want to be a slave. I need to be a slave. Only by being a slave can I get the security and the infinitely close bond that I crave. Now, I can’t be the old me, but I’m not comfortable enough in the skin of my new me either. So I continue with the process of learning to be the new me.

But who’s to say that the new me will be someone I will be able to live with?

I can hear Master now…’That’s not kitten talking’.

But it’s me, kitten. Both old and new. Learning to live who I am.

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15 thoughts on “Life long learning

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  1. Well another pithy blog and well written as always

    But isn’t the simply answer known to you already “I don’t want to be a slave. I need to be a slave. Only by being a slave can I get the security and the infinitely close bond that I crave.”

    To be that slave you have to let go of the old persona

    And why struggle to keep the old persona as you readily admit that

    “In fact, she’s there for so much bad stuff that she has come to epitomize everything that I hate. As a result she’s something that I don’t like and don’t want to be”

    So it really boils down to the fact that you seek her as a refuge “but she’s still my refuge in times of need.”

    “I’ve held that last little tight ball of me so very close, with my hand curled around it in a death-grip. I don’t want to let it go because it’s me, it’s all I have left. It’s a bit like my slave pride that rears its ugly head every now and then- the one that puts out the challenge that I’ll be damned to lose.” IS quite correct cause what your holding onto in that tight little death grip is not you its her, the one you don’t like and who who is simply your security blanket.”

    Like any security blanket, its clutched onto for dear life, eentually it will slip from your grasp once you recognise its not necessary.

    Your my slave and property and you will be broken to your collar and you wil simply life to serve my pleasure and needs as a slave.

    Master

  2. That you test and push, that you argue with yourself even as you know what you need and want… you let me know I’m not (entirely) crazy. I struggle so much, we’ve named the two sides .. and he checks on both of them, regularly.

  3. great post

    What a sincere post.

    And, i understand. i have been there, i AM there.

    Thanks for writing it for me and choosing just the right words.
    i will be anxious to read what your Master writes, i always enjoy His insight and well written comments.

    kj
    browneyedgirl

  4. Kitten

    I’ve watched your blog since it’s early days.

    Why fight yourself.

    Why so much angst? Let it go.

    The two sides of yourself that are war with each other need to declare an armistice.

    Your looking for a black and white solution to something that is not so simply defined.

    That old self is being used as a shield to avoid the long look at the part of you that needs the collar. What are you protecting? pride?

    Each time I read one of your post that shows this, the part of you that would run headlong into full slavery is also fully evident.

    What are you afraid of? That the collar is not real or the whip is not to be used. That its all just a dream?

    Accept who you are, all of you.

    You’ve been slowly doing this already, why not finish it and start living as a whole human being.

    norman stated “In every woman is a queen who wishes to be placed on a throne, so too is a slavegirl begging the collar”.

    So far I have found this to be true, it’s just a matter of which one is stronger.

    In the last year you have made great strides toward the slavegirl, take the last steps and be what you fully want.

    I wish you well.

  5. Re: great post

    I really appreciate the fact that Master takes the time to read and comment. It’s nice to know that my words just aren’t drifting out into cyber space and falling on deaf ears.

    And thanks for your comment too!

    k

  6. Lol..it sounds like a great idea to name the two sides. Maybe I’ll endow them with the names that I wished my mother had given me.

    Oh, and you’re only as crazy as the next person (^v^)

    k

  7. Hmmmm…I don’t know what to say. I don’t know why I can’t ‘finish’ what I started…maybe it’s because I fear that I’ll get to the end and then stand around thinking, ‘Now what?’ or maybe it is as you say and I can’t accept the fact that it may actually be real.

    And I really am a black and white girlie- the gray is just too confusing.

    Thanks for reading and for your thoughts.

    k

  8. Just stumbled on your journal

    Greetings! I just stumbled on your journal and wanted to take a moment to comment. I read your words and they touched me at a very deep level. I have been with my Master, as his slave, for nearly nine years now. I just wanted to tell you that I have full confidence that one day you will find comfort in your new skin. I have often referred to your predicament on a personal level as my personal battle between my humanity and myself. Even now, I am sometimes reminded of who I once was, but now that person is just an old friend whom I sometimes fondly, or not so fondly, recall. I would like to friend you on Lj if you dont mind.

    Maggi

  9. I have been reading your thread for about a year now. I started reading it when I had first moved to Tokyo last spring. So I can see why from time to time you have made mentions of missing certain aspects of Japan. I find your inner monologue that you write about amazing as many of your feelings and thoughts mimic my own.

    In any event, I think maybe the “old you” is having trouble letting go of who you are as a person because on some level you like making your own decisions.

    While the “new” you craves to be controlled, because as a slave/sub you draw comfort from the idea of not having to make choices, which to a degree has been caused by the decisions that you might have made in the past.

    Maybe a part of you is still trying to decide if you truly want to give up who you use to be. You need to find the happy medium of your own life and that of your life as your masters pet.

    “Only by being a slave can I get the security and the infinitely close bond that I crave”

    This statement strikes me very profoundly. You want to be a slave to gain security which I can understand. You say that you want an “infinitely close bond”, but do you need to erase the person that you are to be closer to your master, or shouldn’t he on some level want you for more then what you do for him.

    To me it sounds like you feel that the only way that you can obtain the “close bond that you crave” is to become that which your master wants you to become rather then being what you want to be.

    You talk about your old self as being something that you use to cushion yourself from shame. That you “don’t want to let it go because it’s me, it’s all I have left.”

    To me it sounds like you are becoming more and more the slave that your master desires you to be, and you do not want to loose yourself in the process. You do not want to be an object to be ordered around, because if that were the case you wouldn’t have finished your student teaching. I remember you saying something along the lines of you “wanting to do it for yourself.” Just maybe you fear that idea of your master not wanting you if you do not become a slave/shell of your former self.

    I could be wrong, maybe that is what you desire, but you should think long and hard if thats what YOU want. Think about your desires and then see if your wants and needs can still be fulfilled if you truly let go of that piece of yourself that you are clinging to. But what do I know.

  10. Re: courage

    Hmmm…yes and no. Sometimes I think I’ve come a long way and other times I think I’ve gone back two steps for every step I’ve made forward, but thanks for dropping me a line.

    k

  11. Hi! Thanks for the comment.

    Japan is very natsukashii for me. Hardly a day goes by that I don’t think about it or tell someone some anecdote of my ‘Japan days’…and it’s been 3 years now since I left! I’m still thinking of starting up a separate Japan blog to get all my thoughts out of my head and down somewhere.

    Hmmmm….I don’t know how to answer your queries. I think if I had the answers then I’d be a much happier and more compliant slavegirl. I guess the feminist ‘I-don’t-have-to-change-anything-for-anyone!’ part of me is still alive and kicking and likes to wonder why I have to change to suit him- which of course conflicts wildly with the ‘I’m-slavemeat-to-be-moulded-by-him’ part.

    In terms of career options and why I finished my teacher training, I always finish what I start because I don’t believe in throwing in the towel- whether it’s crap or not. But I’m really a lost soul in terms of what I want to do with my life above and beyond my slavery, in fact, I’m completely confused about whether being a slave is all I want to do or not.

    To be frankly honest, I have a lot of self-inflicted and family/friend-inflicted expectations floating around me. I’m fairly well-educated, smart and feel like I have too much to ‘waste’ if I don’t make something of myself. While a part of me wants to be a slave and only a slave, a big part of me also wants to be successful and make a difference. However, I’m sure a lot of people would also say that the ‘big part’ is full of pride and pretentious and very unbecoming to a slave.

    In a nutshell, I don’t know what I want. And when I think I do know what I want, it changes as quickly as the direction of the wind.

    k

  12. Wise words I would say, Rhothy. It’s pretty moot point filled this what makes a slave debate. Like any definition, it must have elements which are intrinsic to it; otherwise it collapses into ambiguity and becomes useless and confusing. Thing is, in our times, overt subjectivity is seen as interchangeable with democracy. One definition of slavery might be a total absence of democracy. So kitten’s wish to, for example, do this or that for herself and to do this or that her way – because that’s how she is – may be completely beside the point; in terms of her franchising, by her actions, her life as a slave to her Master. Another way of looking at slavery just might be that the slave agrees at the outset to live the Master’s life; and so in order to be live up to that and to keep to that agreement, she works to better learn how he wants things, how he would do things. One moot point – and one to debate, I feel – is whether someone who classes herself as self-determinied and highly-educated can really surrender to the logic of slavery; which is, on one level, a one-dimensional, absolutist logic. It might just be that people of that type – driven, clever – are, in being such things, priorly signally their unsuitability to the life. Of course, there is always the fascination of the struggle – and you, kitten, unpack the stuff of that here, of course. Your Master allows you to do so. Perhaps he thinks, in one sense, he must, otherwise you will blow your top, or some such like. Perhaps, though, in letting you he has helped create a kind of beast; insofar as the blog itself must be fed, and maybe it is helping to cause you to discuss your thoughts and to off-load, rather than actually deal with those thoughts, internally, as they must be. This issue of the fascinating struggle … well, personally, I think this only goes so far; and I sense that, really, you seek peace – for all your fears of ‘now what?’, once things have been settled, if they ever are. Of course, for an intellectual and completist like you, kitten, slavery is like an ontological destination. You may just want to self-actualise in that respect, even if, as you say, it’s ‘crap’. Are you, therefore, just wanting to conquer all this grey; in order to get to the black and white of the destination you have signed up to? A collar is a good device – a reminder; just like cunt-rings and tattoos. But these decorations cannot really change one’s nature – as I’m sure you know. Your Master cites them as proof of his ownership. Well, in my view, I see just as much proof of your autonomy here, in what you write.

    Trite though it is, I’ll mention that film, Secretary; one key-secene as a case-in-point, however caricatured… In order to prove that she really wants to be his property, she is made to wait and wait and wait. I think, kitten, you would have got the hump, said ‘fuck you!’, and left.

    Regards,

    Master Dee

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