Take on me

Trite though it is, I’ll mention that film, Secretary; one key-scene as a case-in-point, however caricatured… In order to prove that she really wants to be his property, she is made to wait and wait and wait. I think, kitten, you would have got the hump, said ‘fuck you!’, and left. 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Master Dee

One of my main purposes in blogging that is right up there next to venting slave steam and publicly humiliating myself, is getting other people’s views on D/s. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and for every take on D/s, there is an equally opposite take on D/s. But I’m usually very careful not to call other people ‘wrong’ in what they think; I like to call them ‘different’. There is no right or wrong in something as stylistic and personal as D/s and what I may interpret as being ‘wrong’ may actually be just someone else holding up a mirror to me.  I may not be able to see myself unless I’m reflected through another’s eyes.

My gut reaction when I read Master Dee’s comment above was to think how ‘wrong’ it was. God, how many times have I said in here that my big kink is endurance? Having to ‘wait and wait and wait’ would be something that I’d love to do! I’d revel in the opportunity to ‘prove once and for all’ my ability to stick it out and do what needed to be done. But then I thought…would I be doing it for him or me?

I think the spirit of the gesture, as shown in the movie, is to not only show her commitment to the idea of being property by doing explicitly what he wants, but to also sacrifice herself-her comfort, her needs-to show him that his wants and needs are the only ones that matter. Sitting in his chair in the rumpled wedding dress with her hands glued to his desk by her will-power alone, she doesn’t care about the urine trickling down her leg from a bladder that can wait no more. She has more important things to focus on.

I thought about myself in that situation. I’d leave my hands on the desk until I keeled over and died if he told me to. Of course, I wouldn’t be so gracious about it and there would be copious amounts of swearing and plotting Master’s painful death, but I would do it. As a matter of pride, for me, I would do it. If I didn’t do it, if I didn’t endure, I’d be a loser. Not a loser to Master, but a loser to me. And I don’t like to lose to anyone- especially myself.

But am I wrong to think like this? As a slave, shouldn’t it be all about him with me sacrificing myself for his wishes? I’m thinking I am wrong because as things stand now, I’m still in control, I’m still ‘giving’ him the right to order me around, and ultimately, the one I answer to is not Master, but myself.

The other night in bed during a ravishing/interrogation he had both my wrists held down above my head in one hand, his body pinning me down with his and his other hand was busily pinching and twisting that sensitive spot between my cunt and back hole. I was attempting to twist out of his grip and shrieking like a fishwife, but he held firm and kept pinching like a vice:

‘Who do you love?

‘….(shrieking, moaning and muffled screams)…’

‘WHO DO YOU LOVE?’

‘….( more shrieking, moaning and muffled screams)….’

‘Don’t fight me. I won’t ask you again.Who do you love?’

‘…(after more screaming and twisting)….you…’

‘You what?’

‘….you….Master.’

I fought the Master and the Master won. 

It was another one of those quiet moments where realisation cuts through you like a knife. I had been fighting him, gritting my teeth, not wanting to give into the pain, not ‘allowing’ him to have control of what I said. I tried so hard to keep control, to keep myself intact, not wanting to admit anything….but he won anyway.

There are times I want to say to Master, ‘Fuck you…fuck you for making me do that.’ Those are generally the times when my eyes flash like sharp daggers and Master enjoys it so much. He watches the infinitesimal little struggle going on inside me with amusement, because he knows from the beginning that he has already won and what goes on is merely wasted energy on my part.

But for me, it’s important that I do struggle, that control only goes from me when it’s ripped out of my hands. I don’t know why, I don’t really understand whatgoes through my mind most of the time. But I do know for a fact that three days later I’d still be sitting in the wedding dress, in a pool of my own wee if he told me to ‘stay’. 

If I was saying ‘Fuck him!’ under my breath as I waited….would that be wrong?

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38 thoughts on “Take on me

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  1. take on me

    This is why I love your blog – so much of what you write mirrors what I’m feeling inside, but can’t quiet get the words out to say it right. I haven’t seen this movie, but it’s been referenced on a number of blogs so I need to rent it because it sounds hot as hell. 🙂

    Rose

  2. What a wonderful post. Gods, I love reading you.

    Here’s my thought: no, it wouldn’t be wrong. To my way of thinking, it means that what both of you value is the struggle. he enjoys watching you struggle, you need control and power and all that to be taken from you. Giving it up without a fight? what fun would that be, for either of you?

  3. Sooooooooooo true

    Hi – i find you spot on as far as this pup can see, particularly:

    “I don’t like to lose to anyone – especially myself.” (How true…although losing to my owner feels like and is winning)!

    “I don’t really understand what goes through my mind most of the time.” (Yep, on occasion. This is partly because there is either so much to do/think on on behalf of owner or conversely a relatively small but fundamental truth to fathom, just as easy/difficult).

    This pup likes your writing!

  4. Part One of Two (due to word limit)

    First off, thank you for responding. Obviously, you’d thought your response through enough to not dash off a stream of invective. No disrespect to you or your Owner was intended earlier or in what follows. You offer your thoughts in this public forum, so you should and must expect all manner of reactions. I have said previously that I do admire you for that and I do find your thoughts of interest.

    I know that you will say – yes, of course you realise this, and that you accept with intelligence and good grace all that blogging entails. But I nonetheless detect annoyance in your response, and the pursuance of a kind of subtext, of winning some argument. You seem proud of being, what shall we say?, fiesty. I do wonder how it is that so many subs seem to think such an emotion is intrinsically interesting and that winning over or taming such subs is all part of the game and proves a Dominant’s abilities. Personally, I find this boring, and would prefer more interesting, less childish, displays of supposed vitality. Conquest is such an empty, narrow pursuit; it’s far too quaint, too Hollywood, in my view, and conflicts with my personal politics, at any rate. Yet, in this endlessly varied and open scene of ours, it seems to be accepted de facto. In truth, there is no more variety here than anywhere else.

    Here’s the nub of your problem, as I see it: Ontology dictates that categories are, by their very nature, specialised, occluded; and certain elements and states of affairs must be present in any given category in order for it to be franchised as that category. The meanings of things are not and cannot be completely open to negotiation between participants. That kind of openness is too subjective; and in so being it renders all things meaningless, factional, and makes communicatioon impossible and useless.

    There are, in other words, qualities which must be present in the category ‘slave’. Straying too far from such things means that one is simply using the wrong terminology, that one is fooling one’s self, and others. Between yourselves, you can say I am Master you are slave, or whatever, but out in the wide-world, certain qualities must be there in order to move such designations beyond the status of pet-names.

    On the face of it, you offer a seemingly weighed-up and reasoned preamble in your response. But I find the quasi-philophical approach you offered there something of a strawman, a faint, I have to say; in that you seem to be saying that you cheerfully celebrate ‘difference’ and that the scene itself is about variety, yet you nonetheless caricature what I said in order to fit your argument, in order to say I am wrong.

  5. (Part Two of Two)

    Similarly, you generalise the notion of endurance in such a way as to convert your own strengths and proclivities in this way into a like-for-like composite of those displayed by the character in Secretary. Here, you are are wildly inaccurate in your analysis, I believe. What of the endurance you had whilst facing the wall at that party, in light of the several days of rage afterwards? I see no paralells whatsoever between your perception of unduring and that presented in Secretary, I am bound to say. Just because you physically stood there means very little. You were, I suggest, standing there in large part so that you could fuel your anger, so you could feel badly-done-to, and in such a way you could franchise your anger, making oit seem justified. It wasn’t you being obedient for your Master. It was you attempting to ambush him by seeming to be justifiably angry, so that you win an argument, so that you could beat him. There can be no reasonable claim to successful endurance because you did not actual endure at all.

    The key difference is this: she was not waiting to prove anything for herself. She was, in contrast, waiting because (a) she had such faith in his judgement – no matter what, and (b) (perhaps somewhat melodramatic, filmic) she had nothing to lose because without his Ownership she was nothing anyway.

    No clock of self was ticking for her. She could not get angry or be ‘plotting’ against him in the way you happily describe of yourself, because the schedule was entirely his. She could not be impatient. Such things were now impossible for her; she had, if you recall, earlier in the film, gone through that formative stage. She was, by the time of the table scene, in a profound and utter sense, free – exactly in the way that knowing slaves often present as ‘in his/her chains I am free’. She had let go. She was ready. She understood. She had arrived. She had lost her fear.

    Such things are possible. I know they are.

    Best wishes,

    Master Dee

  6. I can not articulate myself as well as Dee can, but for the most part I agree in many things stated in the last post, and this is what prompted my post last week.

    If I had a nickel for every time you said that you were plotting, hating, planning your revenge etc… I could lease myself a new car. I mean this in jest but it almost sounds that you are doing those subby things for yourself and not for him. It almost sounds alot like what you said about your finishing college in that you are not a quitter. Its sounds almost like you r saying “I started down this path and by golly I am going to become is slave meat-puppet if it kills me.”

    If that is what you do desire then neither myself nor Master Dee can or will try to change the direction that you have chosen to go with your life. My recent participation in your blog comes from being in a very similar yet different problem of my own.

    But I digress… I really wish that I could come up with a bit of wisdom that would allow you to reach that perfect moment of clarity that monks strive for their entire lives. But life is never that easy, its filled with ups and downs, tears, and black and blues… some tears and black and blues are good, others make you want to crawl into a hole and die.

    I hope you figure out what you really want, that you find your happy little thought like the Peter Pan, but reality isnt as enjoyable as childrens stories.

    If you ever want to reminise about Japan with someone feel free. I miss being able to go to a Rotating sushi place for dinner(Kitenzushi). So i know how you feel.

  7. It’s funny how often I read a wordy, pretentious response to your journal and think – huh? Did they even read what you wrote? Is this the first entry of yours they’ve ever read, and therefore they know nothing of your humor and intelligence? Or is it just some dude who thinks he knows stuff if he calls himself a Master?

    Honestly, I don’t know how you put up with it and it makes me so glad that my blog is friends-only. I’d stop writing completely if I had to deal with silly comments on a regular basis.

    *hug*

    s

  8. Thanks for the positive and negative comments to what I said. Pretentious lol … often the reaction of those who either cannot understand or cannot be bothered to. Without understanding howcan you make such judgements? Yet, people do and it is too often accepted. They are truly pretentious, in my view. I am pretending nothing, in contrast. I am merely trying to explain aoint of view as exactly as I can. Best, yes, to stick to blogging to the converted, in private. I defend your right to, actually.

    Blogging in that fashion is entirely different to offering thoughts and ideas in public. Public blogging implicitly invites commentary. Unlike you, kitten does not cry over spilled milk; and, as I said, I admire her for, what I take to be, her good intentions in adding to the debate. It’s just a debate! Why go away mad?!

    Why use that often repeated cliche – those that call themselves Master? Ha! I was given that title by my darling slave, and others. She convinced me of it. You caricature and generalise, offering pithy barbs in my direction and empty, underexplained platitudes in her direction; whilst criticising me for faithfully and seriously responding to kitten’s very serious points.

    I am just myself. The title, Master, in this context, though, offers an orientation. It is the terminology of our scene. It’s use is Platonic because of that.

    Do you intent to explain your own position properly at some point? Join in – come from behind the sofa.

    Master Dee

  9. Pretentious was a good call

    From your response to tesoro de amo l can see it was a quick response the many spelling errors and the personal invective used to defend yourself from her comments

    Everyone has a point of view and an opinion and luckily in western world you can generally say what you think

    Your views and opinions are just that your opinion and views l don’t see anywhere in your post where it says your right.

    I also find it interesting that the women commentators on kitten blog entry were either in support or agreement of her blog, the only contrary or negative comments came from 2 males, now on popular vote that would mean she was right and you were wrong but again popular views aren’t always right are they.

    It would be more interesting for you to post about what you believe makes your position and lifestyle treatment of your slave right than you’re posturing about the meaning and intent of the words used by others, as you say come on of the sofa.

    As kitten Master and owner l am the only one here who has any right, authority or ability to criticise or correct her, while she does get re-education lessons or what others call punishment when she steps out of line in the real world by me, her blog is her world and she can blog on any topic and about me in anyway she feels without fear of punishment from me. I don’t control her blog, l don’t criticise her postings, we do discuss them and its part of our feed back and communication process and l feel its something that has created a level of trust and respect between us. In that kitten knows she is free to blog and we do discuss her blog, she can raise topics of discussion, see clarification or debate the rights and wrongs of her treatment, not that the blog changes what she is or how she is kept.

    Her description of endurance is in fact true of her character she wasn’t offering it as an explanation of the Secretary character in the film and l don’t believe that slaves have to be happy smiley people and readily accepting of their owners use and pleasure, they can react negatively, they can comply but still complain, its called human nature and in the real world and not fantasy role playing that is what happens from time to time.

    kitten nature and character of a slave is evolving an developing, she is a different person to who she was 2 years ago, she isn’t as black and white about her views and expectations of her life as a slave, she has accepted that a Master can be strict and demanding and at the same time wish to spoil his slave, she has accepted she is for her Master’s use and pleasure and doesn’t have to be minutely controlled and directed whereas before she would wait for instructions or commands before seeking to serve her master pleasure.

    kitten isn’t a perfect slave but then again l am not a perfect Master but she is a wonderful slave all the same.

    kittens_Master

  10. sitting back looking in from the outside, i see both sides of the coin, i understand where both kitten and Master Dee are coming from..
    just my 2 cents for what its worth…

  11. (Part One of Two)

    To kitten’s Master…

    Oh dear, clearly, I’m wasting my time in terms of trying to have an adult debate. Why so terse and defensive? Tone is one thing, of course, but your comment is similarly filled with glaring inconsistencies and misreadings.

    Here’s why:

    Please research the notion of pretentiousness before you use the word as a term of abuse. You really do not know what you are talking about.

    lol Not the old nothing to say in terms of meaningful argument, so let’s look for something negative to can say about the grammar. Hmmmh, a few typos and spelling mistakes made after a long, hard day don’t add up to much in my view. But whatever lights your pithy candle, I suppose. I think my effort was sound as communication; whilst your comment is, like all your blogs and comments, remedial-level, borderline illiterate; in featuring basic error after basic error, the kind of mistakes and non-sequitur one would criticise an eleven year old child for. The evidence is there; go see.

    ‘My’ views and opinions … yes, of course. That’s why, as a recognised convention, I often interpolate ‘…in my view…’, and so forth. You, in contrast, do no such thing; and your retorts appear like petulant edicts. No illogic on your part, however, seems to stop you accusing me of something I am clearly not doing but which you clearly are doing.

    In my view, you’re best not offering seemingly general geo-political points – re. your citation of ‘western world’ [sic]. I suspect your views would be lumpen and received at best; but do expand, if you’ve a mind to. Your point was, at the very least, woefully under-explained.

    I see your gender straw-poll was made redundant by the comment immediately following yours! A nice piece of comic timing, this; which I duly chuckled at. Do I really have to flag up what is fundamentally nonsensical about the assertion you made here? What lies behind your determination about gender is nothing short of prejudice, on the one hand, and playing to the gallery, on the other. It’s not enough to simply throw comments back. They should make sense, too. The debate was about what kitten was saying in her blog; it was not about me. In engaging with her ideas, I was treating her words seriously and with respect, not using what she said as an opportunity to talk about myself. No doubt, as a woman, she is used to men talking over her – if we are to believe the cliché. But I do no such thing. If, in time, it became appropriate to offer personal reflections and to share examples of my life, I would do so, in the spirit of open and honest discussion; indeed, I was beginning to do so. Is this typical of the way you interact with people?

    Again, you’re so defensive: no-one suggested that kitten is not your property, that it is you alone who has authority over her. Surely that is implicit? Are you really so insecure as to have to mention this? That said, perhaps, you ‘allow’ kitten this outlet because you are frightened that, without it, she would blow her top? No cheap shot intended here; treat as you wish, of course: She’s obviously more intelligent and better educated than you are. That is bound to lead to issues, I would say. Whether kitten’s blog is something you allow her to do or not is beside-the-point, in the context in which the ensuing debate was and is taking place. She is offering her ideas and thoughts in a public domain. So, this is the public, commenting. She has the option of making such thoughts private. That she chooses not to constitutes an open-invitation to respond.

  12. (Part two of two)

    No, sorry, kitten did infer endurance in the way I described. Please re-read the relevant entries. The evidence is there. The point I made in relation to the film holds completely. That’s just a fact, I’m afraid.

    Yes, we’re all learning and we’re all growing. Again, isn’t that obvious? Similarly, no-one is ‘perfect’ – yes, of course. The term itself is meaningless, strictly speaking. Why mention this? I’m sure kitten, like all of us, is just living her life partly as she wants to and partly because life just happens anyway; so we all get on with it, day-by-day. Part of how she chooses to live her life is by blogging her thoughts in the open forum of Live Journal; the structure of which allows – and, indeed, calls for – the comments of others. I chose to engage with her thoughts – at length and in detail – because I respect her ability to engage back in the wider debate about D/s. I do so elsewhere, because I believe in discussion as a positive thing. You, on the other hand – in being so terse and obtuse – seem to want to close such things down on this occasion, by attempting to anger me by getting personal. No such luck … get rigorous, make your points clearly, effectively and with more relevance, or leave it to those who can.

    Master Dee

  13. Take your head out of your arse would seem to be an appropriate response to your reply

    Anything anyone posts you denigrate and describe as personal attacks on you or as incoherent ramblings of lesser soul.

    Must be lonely living in a circle of perfection

    kittens_Master

  14. Ho-hum… How tedious.

    Again, same strategy of hurling childish insults as if they constitute valid argument. I live in no ivory tower, nor do I claim to do. If your own manifest deficiencies make you feel that, so be it. The lineage of all that head-up-your-arse nonsense began with you – and you know it. The evidence is right there is your mails; just as the evidence that I attempted, at the outset and since, to add to an intelligent debate is contained in mine. You head is firmly up your arse, clearly. Meanwhile, I’ve attempted to open the discussion out at every turn. It isn’t my fault that you have such limitations.

    Again, is this how you conduct all of your relationships with others? You’ve said nothing meaningful or interesting in response to the points I raised, now have you?

    The real question is, are you taking your ball in, like a sulky child, or are you going to get real and actually add usefully to the debate itself?

    Master Dee

  15. LOL There’s your answer, then. Sadly, the only one you are capable of giving. ‘Master’ of what, exactly? …not communication, not understanding, not even a well-formed put-down. You’re a baby – and you know it.

    I still live in hope that you will offer something valid and intelligent.

    Master Dee

  16. Oh, and it’s ‘…you’re…’, not ‘…your…’. Tut tut. I’m sure they do adult learning classes in Australia. Go google …

  17. I hope you live a long time, waiting is such a learning experience and from within your circle of perfection you can continue to denigrate all of us human inferiors your forced to live with.

    I still haven’t seen you make a single contribution from your own personal lifestyle or experiences, you don’t disclose your own blog site so we can go sit at your fountain of wisdom and gain personal life growths from your wisdom.

    Being so perfect must be lonely experience, no wonder no one has actually talked with God in person for 2000 plus years

  18. Dear me, this is about the most bitter and childish comment I’ve seen for a long time. Where, on earth, does all this come from? Such assumptions … Really, I live a modest life, of hard work, lots of fun, and with, I have to say, many many friends, of all kinds. I have children. I am married. I run several projects and contribute to several more. I am intensely social. How can you gather such wide-of-the-mark information? Your perceptions are merely projections from your own head. Again, you come across as narrow-minded, judgemental, and – frankly – a bit disturbed.

    I have no site I can share with you; otherwise I would, gladly. But even if I had a blog, I would not blog about my private life – as kitten chooses to do. That is her wish; I’d be more inclined to dedicate my time to wider discussion, because that is my choice.

    One does not need a site to impart information, though. I was doing that perfectly openly in detailed responses to kitten, before you intervened and got us bogged down in all this pettiness. Your continued nastiness looks increasingly like desperation and control freakery.

    Again, I ask you to stop all the childishness and debate seriously – as kitten’s original blog deserves.

    Master Dee

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