Master is wont to point out to me on every occasion possible that I am the slave in this relationship. He does it in a variety of ways, but one of my favourite ones and one that always brings a smile to my face is when he says:
‘Remember, you’re the one wearing the shiny thing.’
It’s true. Sometimes I do forget. I forget how cold and heavy it felt when it first went around my neck. I also forget how much I struggled when he first locked it on and I crumpled under the realisation that it was never coming off again. I forget because the metal now is always warm from being constantly next to my skin and I’ve become accustomed to its weight. It’s just another part of my life that I’ve adapted to and work around. So much so that when I go to the gym I’ve always got a few spare hairbands in my bag to tie up the ‘o’ ring to stop it jangling and while I’m sitting here composing blogs I play with it absentmindedly, just as other people twirl their hair around their fingers. It’s interesting how we take for granted all the amazing things we have when the seemingly unattainable becomes commonplace and part of the everyday.
I forget what it was like to suffer from ‘collar fever’- that all-consuming need to feel a collar around their neck that subbies around the world seem to universally feel when they first start down the path of D/s. I forget also how I almost used to have out of body experiences thinking about a collar around my neck. I’d dreamed of a collar for many, many years. I remember quite vividly watching a scene of that all-time classic Chinese show “Monkey” when I was in primary school. The scene involved Monkey Magic attempting to rescue a princess who had a magical collar placed on her neck by some evil demon. The collar was gradually getting smaller and smaller around her fragile neck and Monkey was frantically searching for a way to get it off. When the princess eventually died, I wasn’t so much upset by the fact that she’d died, but by the fact that the episode with ‘the collar’ was over. Lol. In many ways a collar seemed to be almost like an all-encompassing magical band aid that would somehow make everything ‘right’ for me and would turn me into the ‘real slave’ that I longed to be. But it didn’t….of course.
Wearing The Shiny Thing does nothing to alter ‘who’ I am. It doesn’t stop me feeling everything that I did as a free person. It doesn’t stop me from having opinions or feeling rage or sadness. It doesn’t put a smile on my face 24/7 or make me feel happy about being a slave during those periods when I’m not feeling it from inside. (And btw, I’m still looking for that elusive ontological description of slave that states ‘must be happy, must not be pissed off with Master, must accept everything given without a word and not vent in public’.)
I was having an interesting discussion with a friend today about collars. He was saying that he would like to use a collar as an ‘on-off’ switch for his subby. Rather than have her wear a collar all the time, he wanted to put it on her to signify that she was now in ‘slave role’ and take it off when he was done. When the collar went on there would be a whole series of protocols and rules that she would have to follow, but without the collar on it was going to be vanilla relationship heaven. He said that doing it that way gave him greater control when he really needed and wanted it. While I could understand where he was coming on, and while I also thought the ‘downtime’ when the collar was off seemed attractive, I didn’t think it would work for me. As I’ve said before, I either am or I ain’t. I can’t be something ‘sometimes’ (even though my personal ‘on-off’ switch seems to have a life of its own! lol)
Of course, I love my collar but I also loved and still love my wedding ring. I love what they both symbolize, but just because I may want to wear my wedding ring every now and then doesn’t mean I’m married. Similarly, Master locking my collar around my neck didn’t make me slave. A collar, while being a useful tool and an outward sign of a commitment, much the same as a wedding ring is, doesn’t do anything. And just because a person wears a collar doesn’t mean that have to be anything.
To many people, I may not seem like a slave in my words and thoughts and I’ll be the first to admit that I’m certainly not as ‘slavey’ as I would like to be based on my fantasies etc. But I’ve always kept a complete honesty policy in my blog, I don’t sweeten things up just because I know Master is reading it. I write what I feel in the style that I normally write and at the end of the day I don’t write it for anyone but me.
Because it’s my blog- as allowed by Master, without censorship or rules or external direction of any kind. If Master told me to stop, I would.
Because I don’t have choices or rights.
I am slave.