Cogito, ergo sum

I think a lot. In fact, I probably think too much. A small fraction of what goes on inside my head is infrequently put down into this blog but I generally only do that once I’ve arrived at some sort of a conclusion. As a result, each entry in my blog is like a spiffy little powerpoint presentation showing a summary of the results of my internal think tank. It is neatly packaged and thoroughly spell-checked, but it is only ever a quick screen capture of my current state of mind.

The interesting thing about me is that I don’t  just angst about my slavery. I angst about EVERYTHING. Just ask Master. I very quickly stopped asking him to take me shopping because several shopping excursions ended with a very aggro Master and a purchase-less slave. I consider things from every angle and have to exhaust all possible avenues before I will concede to a particular decision. I nearly gave myself an ulcer deciding on the correct colour scheme for the recent house repaint! In many ways slavery is the biggest ‘purchase’ of my life, so it’s not something that will be transacted over night.

I come to various ‘conclusions’ and then over time those ‘conclusions’ change as my thinking evolves and my moods change. If you read back through my blog you’ll see a lot of contradictions and wildly swinging ideas. As an example, not too long ago I said that slavery was what I did, instead of being something that defined what I was. That’s what I was believing whole-heartedly at the time, but ask me today, and I’ll tell you something different. I realise that it makes for confusing reading, but my thoughts are never static and in fact, I’d be very worried if they became so! Cogito, ergo sum. If I stopped thinking, I’d cease to exist!

My think tank likes to chew over comments that visitors to my blog leave and

left a comment (thanks kitten!) on a recent blog quoting a slave who had arrived at the conclusion that they would never reach the point where they could feel wholly like a slave because their ego was getting in the way. The slave’s ego was ‘not flipping the switch to free the spirit’. It was an excellent description of something that I have felt, do feel and will probably continue to feel. Every time I get angry with Master or feel silly carrying out a slave duty or defiantly ‘avoid’ doing something I’m required to do is when my ego has taken the driver’s seat.

My ego (aka my switch flipper) is something that I’m wrestling with on an on-going basis. And it’s not that I’m wasting vast amounts of energy to avoid finding peace, it’s that I haven’t yet found that space inside that is quiet enough to embrace the peace- afterall, those folks in my personal think tank are a rowdy bunch.

I’m always wary of bloggers who seem to be almost ‘too happy’. The ones who don’t angst, who don’t seem to have anything to write about except how idyllic their relationship with their owner is, seem to be the ones who disappear the quickest- one day they are worshipping the ground their Master walks on and the next they are packing bags and moving interstate. When they seemingly embrace the peace and arrive at their destination are they actually only at some fake curtained ‘end point’ that only needs a stiff breeze to be torn down to reveal the much farther off true destination…or is my green-eyed monster simply jealous of their peaceful and angst-less arrival?

To take the ‘ultimate internal plunge’ by flipping the switch is something that I’m aspiring to do, but haven’t evolved far enough to do at this point. I understand though, to some extent, that it is something that I will need to do in order to find ‘peace’. And although it would be easy to shirk the responsibility and have Master flip my switch I know it would defeat the purpose. The flipping of the switch is the ultimate act of submission and also the final nail in the coffin of who I was. 

The slave rebirth is at the same time both glorious and terrifying and I try to remind myself that not in utter nakedness, but trailing clouds of glory do we come.




12 thoughts on “Cogito, ergo sum

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  1. I often have the same questions about the “idyllic” bloggers as you do, but then I read my own and feel like it might read that way to others. I know for me I tend to write about the positive because there’s enough negativity outside my blog that I don’t always want to sit down and write about it. As well, any big problems that I might blog about, I go to my master about first and often then don’t feel like blogging so much about them. I’m sure this’ll change eventually for me, probably at the point where I finally move in with my master and things get harder for me to process on my own.

    I suspect that one of the reasons people stop blogging is that they reach that “end destination” (especially if that involves moving to be with their dom/me or master) and then it’s hard. And they feel disappointed by the reality so don’t want to write about it. I know sometimes I don’t write about it if I’m feeling guilty about something where I fucked up. I have high standards for myself and so tend to do that kick myself thing and don’t really want to share it with the world.

    By the way, do you mind if I friend you?

  2. me too – I think way, way too much, about all things great and small. And yeah, my blog is a tiny, well-polished piece of all the thoughts in my head – I go back and edit an entry over and over and over…

    And while it ain’t no consolation, most Buddhist writers say that you can never escape your own ego: the best you can do is see it clearly for what it is and catch yourself when you start giving in to it. Most people can’t “evolve” to the point that the ego goes away – it’s not a failing, it’s just our lot as humans with these big silly brains of ours! So, perhaps, just maybe, having ego-elimination as the marker of inner slave-peace is setting an unattainable goal. Maybe there are other ways to make friends with your ego and still find some slave peace?



  3. Thank you so much for your thoughtful and thought-provoking response to my comment!

    Given your angst about everything, not just your slavery, it seems all the more remarkable that you were able to take such a leap of faith into the unknown, to commit yourself in slavery to your Master before ever meeting him in person. You had come to know him from afar and had a pretty good idea of what to expect from him, but you didn’t know what to expect inside of yourself, and that is what you have been discovering and pondering ever since. I was wondering if you would be willing to share more about how you made that huge decision, two Augusts ago… or did it just feel decided for you?

    While I quoted the “flipping the switch” dialogue, and while you have sometimes referred to something of an on-off switch in yourself, that elusive plunge / rebirth / peace is probably much more of a gradual dawning than the image of s switch conjures up. Does it seem that your think tank helps pave the way and that you might be able to reason your way toward peace? Or does your think tank seem to stand between you and peace?

    When you write of “the final nail in the coffin of who I was” it sounds like something to dread… and you’ve expressed in other recent posts a feeling of wanting to hang onto the last vestiges of your old self. It sounds like you’re afraid of losing a part of yourself that you value and don’t want to lose. I’ve always idealized that journey to one’s core as a process of finding more of oneself, not less. I think you sum it up perfectly as a rebirth both glorious and terrifying! Here’s wishing you all the best, every day of your journey.

  4. ” I’m always wary of bloggers who seem to be almost ‘too happy’. The ones who don’t angst, who don’t seem to have anything to write about except how idyllic their relationship with their owner is. ”

    I’m completely with you on this. Much as I love the D/s dynamic, it’s not an easy thing to deal with ( I guess unless you’re some kind of neanderthal who genuinely believes that all women should be subservient to men ). I have spent hours upon hours thinking about this side to me, why it’s there, how I should deal with it etc…

    I think that anyone in the scene who doesn’t undergo almost constant soul searching is probably not taking the lifestyle seriously enough.

    I like the fact that you keep asking yourself the hard questions. It’s one of the reasons I enjoy your blog so much.

  5. Tell us what you think

    I recently asked you to post more often and the quality of your posts makes me again think how good that would be. I’m sorry you say that you think you won’t be able to do that, though I was really touched by the fact that you said the comments were appreciated.
    It’s a mistake I think to postpone putting down ideas until you have come to a conclusion, especially since in life so few conclusions are actually conclusive. Blogs are for sharing our thoughts as they grow, not just when they are fully formed and about to head off.
    Which by a roundabout way leads me to your latest comments on being a slave.
    I think the whole point about being a slave is that you don’t accdet it but do what you’re told anyway. Slavery is not about acceptance; it’s about having no choice. For some of us who need hours to choose between two identical cans of soup, having no choice is really a great luxury. But it doesn’t mean that sometimes we want things which are different from what our Master desires and which we therefore must do.
    I doubt if people trapped in the salt mines wanted to go on digging salt. It was the fact that they were forced to do it which marked them as slaves.
    You are lucky having a master who not only understands this, and keeps teaching you, but gets pleasure out of things which give you pleasure as well. Sometimes.
    Being a lucky slave doesn’t stop you be a slave any more than being a resentful slave stops you being a slave. Slave is as slave does.

  6. I think D/s is a very difficult thing to incoporate into your life in a world where we are taught to ‘know better’, believe in equality and think for ourselves. It’s an illogical, backward dynamic and like yourself, I don’t know why I crave it or how I can make it fit in with everything else…and so the soul searching goes on!


  7. Lol…it literally takes me hours to write a blog! I’m glad I’m not the only one who angsts over and over about the words I put down.

    Hmmm…learning to live with my ego ad slavery? I think you’ve the nail on the head with one. Somehow I don’t think my ego is going to go away.


  8. I’m happy to be friended!

    I do agree when you say that some people don’t want to write about the reality because it’s disappointing. Putting it down on cyber paper probably makes the reality hit home harder as well.

    I used to avoid writing about the ‘bad’ stuff and the stuff where I was wrong and then realised that if I didn’t vent it in some way, I’d explode.


  9. The story of the decision-making process…have you got a few days to spare? πŸ˜‰ That sounds like a lovely topic for a another blog!

    I agree with the gradual dawning description. Although there are times when I’m feeling really slavey and totally not slavey so sometimes it does feel like there is a switch. Now, if only I could find a way to lodge it on ‘ON’.

    I had thought that the self-actualisation process would be more enlightening and joyful- but it’s just hard…really hard. It feels like I’m pushing a square boulder up a never-ending hill sometimes. Maybe it will get better??


  10. Re: Tell us what you think


    I think you’ve summed up things perfectly in your comment:

    I think the whole point about being a slave is that you don’t accept it but do what you’re told anyway. Slavery is not about acceptance; it’s about having no choice.

    As I’ve always said, nowhere in the definition of slave does it say that you have to like it or enjoy it.

    I guess that will lead to a lot of people asking, “Well, why do it then?”

    To which I always reply, “Because I’m a slave.”


  11. in a huge level of irony, my journal has now been deleted as someone from my master’s real life found it and it’s part of how he chose to do damage control.

    I do plan on continuing to read, however πŸ™‚

    ~the above commenter

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