I think a lot. In fact, I probably think too much. A small fraction of what goes on inside my head is infrequently put down into this blog but I generally only do that once I’ve arrived at some sort of a conclusion. As a result, each entry in my blog is like a spiffy little powerpoint presentation showing a summary of the results of my internal think tank. It is neatly packaged and thoroughly spell-checked, but it is only ever a quick screen capture of my current state of mind.
The interesting thing about me is that I don’t just angst about my slavery. I angst about EVERYTHING. Just ask Master. I very quickly stopped asking him to take me shopping because several shopping excursions ended with a very aggro Master and a purchase-less slave. I consider things from every angle and have to exhaust all possible avenues before I will concede to a particular decision. I nearly gave myself an ulcer deciding on the correct colour scheme for the recent house repaint! In many ways slavery is the biggest ‘purchase’ of my life, so it’s not something that will be transacted over night.
I come to various ‘conclusions’ and then over time those ‘conclusions’ change as my thinking evolves and my moods change. If you read back through my blog you’ll see a lot of contradictions and wildly swinging ideas. As an example, not too long ago I said that slavery was what I did, instead of being something that defined what I was. That’s what I was believing whole-heartedly at the time, but ask me today, and I’ll tell you something different. I realise that it makes for confusing reading, but my thoughts are never static and in fact, I’d be very worried if they became so! Cogito, ergo sum. If I stopped thinking, I’d cease to exist!
My think tank likes to chew over comments that visitors to my blog leave and
left a comment (thanks kitten!) on a recent blog quoting a slave who had arrived at the conclusion that they would never reach the point where they could feel wholly like a slave because their ego was getting in the way. The slave’s ego was ‘not flipping the switch to free the spirit’. It was an excellent description of something that I have felt, do feel and will probably continue to feel. Every time I get angry with Master or feel silly carrying out a slave duty or defiantly ‘avoid’ doing something I’m required to do is when my ego has taken the driver’s seat.
My ego (aka my switch flipper) is something that I’m wrestling with on an on-going basis. And it’s not that I’m wasting vast amounts of energy to avoid finding peace, it’s that I haven’t yet found that space inside that is quiet enough to embrace the peace- afterall, those folks in my personal think tank are a rowdy bunch.
I’m always wary of bloggers who seem to be almost ‘too happy’. The ones who don’t angst, who don’t seem to have anything to write about except how idyllic their relationship with their owner is, seem to be the ones who disappear the quickest- one day they are worshipping the ground their Master walks on and the next they are packing bags and moving interstate. When they seemingly embrace the peace and arrive at their destination are they actually only at some fake curtained ‘end point’ that only needs a stiff breeze to be torn down to reveal the much farther off true destination…or is my green-eyed monster simply jealous of their peaceful and angst-less arrival?
To take the ‘ultimate internal plunge’ by flipping the switch is something that I’m aspiring to do, but haven’t evolved far enough to do at this point. I understand though, to some extent, that it is something that I will need to do in order to find ‘peace’. And although it would be easy to shirk the responsibility and have Master flip my switch I know it would defeat the purpose. The flipping of the switch is the ultimate act of submission and also the final nail in the coffin of who I was.
The slave rebirth is at the same time both glorious and terrifying and I try to remind myself that not in utter nakedness, but trailing clouds of glory do we come.