Tag! You’re it!

Day Two of construction and in addition to Stevo, Davo and Marko, we now have Johno on site. Someone in boots is stomping around on the roof and the sounds of pommie accents in a heated argument about ‘which bit goes on first’ filters in from outside. I swear that every single construction worker in Perth comes from the UK…..or SA….or NZ. I wonder where all the Australians are…doing low-paying call centre jobs I imagine…lol.

I can feel the house getting colder as the roof gradually goes on and less and less sun shines in through the windows. Having less sun will be lovely in summer for those long stretches of 40C degree days (100F) when the brick house heats up like a pizza oven. As for winter, it’s a shame we’ll be losing so much free heating- but nothing comes without a cost now, does it?

I spent a small part of my morning putting tags on some of my journal entries so that perhaps I’ll be able to find things in my archive when I go looking. My tag cloud was unsurprisingly predictable with ‘angst’ and ‘analysing’ showing up in 20pt font as my most used tags. I then spent some time playing Martha Stewart and sewed up some rips in Master’s PPE work clothes. I have to say that for a woman who used to write instruction manuals for sewing machines for a living, my sewing skills are really woeful.

So, after my last entry, I had a ‘novel’ of a comment peppered liberally with questions from humblekitten (thanks again kitten!) I actually feel a bit like a blog celebrity being interviewed! lol…) and just to prove that I do read all my comments and savour every single one of them, I’m going to attempt to answer her questions.

1) What’s your take on the respective growth of a slave and a Master (in general or in your own life)? 

I used to think that slavery would morph me into some sort of super-being – I’d be stronger, better and have a veritable wagon full of tricks and skills. I imagined myself sitting under the Bodhi tree having all the answers supplied to me by the shiny thing around my neck. Looking back now I was very,very naive. 

Like everything else, you only get as much out of it as you put into it. There’s no growth if you don’t sow the seeds (face new challenges), water them (do what you can to meet the challenges) and sprinkle them liberally with fertilizer on a regular basis (have praise and feedback). I think that goes for both Master and slave. You either focus efforts into growth or you stagnate. And actually it also goes for any relationship whatsoever.

2) Do you think your Master is interested in your personal growth as a slave and a person?

Hmmm…I suppose it depends on how you define ‘interested’. He has constantly said that the only thing he really cares about (outside of me being obedient) is whether I’m happy or not. Of course, I suppose it would be nice for him to have someone who has grown in that they have attained new skills etc. I’m sure as my owner – and as a guy –  he’d love me to fill my slave resume with things like ‘can deep-throat a 15inch cock’ or ‘can fist herself in the ass’…..

In terms of what I do for myself, to grow as a person, he gives me free reign. If I wanted to study something or have a particular career to better myself, his answer would be, ‘As long as it makes you happy sweetie…’ 

As for growth as a slave and reaching that final state of surrender, hmmm…I don’t know whether there actually is a final state. I’m thinking, as people have said to me before, that it’s the journey that’s important. And when Master says, ‘you will be broken to the collar’ it’s not something that happens once and is done. It’s something that happens again and again. Little things that I baulk at or hesitate to do (even though I eventually do them…because I don’t have a choice to say no!) get placed in front of me as challenges and as I face them, it becomes easier. I suppose it’s my free will (the voices inside saying, ‘I don’t want to do that!) being ‘broken’ that he is referring to and perhaps eventually I’ll get to a state where I just do what is required without thinking.

3) You tend to cast your slavery more in terms of endurance than growth. Surely greater endurance is one form of growth, but it seems you’re growing in ways that you might not give yourself credit for. Thoughts?

I suppose I think of slavery as endurance because I don’t enjoy most of it per se. I don’t get into sub space, I don’t have orgasms,  I’m not an exhibitionist and I don’t enjoy service. Slavery for me is ouchie, humiliating and often a non-literal pain in the ass! Lol. Therefore, the only thing I can enjoy is my ability to endure…and when I can endure more, I have a real sense of achievement.

“If you don’t enjoy it, why do it?” is a question that I’m often asked. Well, the simple answer is because I’m a slave. Being mentally wired the way I am is not something I chose, nor something I can change. Like a diabetic who needs insulin, I’m a slave who needs an owner. If my owner likes doing things that I like doing, that’s just a bonus. I’m yet to find an owner who enjoys bondage and nothing more…so I get ‘broken to the collar’ (learn to accept what my owner wants) each time I’m given or sold or released.

As for growing in ways I don’t give myself credit for, I suppose in a sense I’m becoming more ‘accepting’. Certain things that used to push my buttons, are now becoming more familiar e.g. nakedness in public etc. I’m also perhaps accepting the fact that I don’t have any rights or choices, that what happens to me happens because Master wants it that way. For a long time I felt as though I had the power to manipulate him and everytime I ‘got my own way’ I resented the fact that he was a push-over. It took a great deal of thought-rearranging to understand that if I ‘got my own way’ it was because that’s what he decided- not because it was what I wanted.

4) Sometimes it seems like you might think that absolute surrender would be the ultimate achievement (or are you more focused on absolute endurance?) and sometimes it seems like you might think that absolute surrender would be the ultimate forfeit. So I’m wondering how you feel about surrender in relation to growth: would it be a growth milestone in your journey or would it be some sort of retreat? Are you afraid of losing something inside yourself, or do you see it as finding something new inside yourself that you’re not sure you want to find, or … ?

Absolute endurance! Definitely..lol. 

This question is a toughie. Absolute surrender for me would be unquestioning acceptance. I can’t define surrender as ‘doing absolutely anything’ because as it is I don’t have a choice not to do something. I have to do what he wants because that’s part and parcel of being a slave, so according to the ‘normal definition’, I’ve already completely surrendered. 

As far as unquestioning acceptance goes, I’m getting there slowly. Silencing each of the little voices inside, is like reaching another milestone in my journey. I suppose a part of me is afraid of ultimately losing the voices because that’s all I have ever known and I have a fear of the absolute silence that may or may not be attained. I say ‘may not’ because I think as people we are constantly changing and it may be the case that when one voice is silenced, another voice is born.

I’m not sure whether that completely answers the questions, but perhaps there are no real answers, just more questions.

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2 thoughts on “Tag! You’re it!

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  1. Thank you so much for addressing my “growth” questions! There is a lot to think about here. I do have many more questions, but I’m already feeling a bit sheepish for bombarding you, and so I’ll lay low (for the moment!) while digesting what you’ve shared…

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