No place like home

Blogging for me is a bit like what I imagine childbirth to be – squeezing a big squishy mass into a small space. Often I leave the blogging world utterly exhausted and feeling like a truck has run over me….which has then reversed back….and gone forwards again….over me….several times. I guess it’s all that wrestling to put my thoughts into words and baring of the soul that leaves its mark.  And while it’s sometimes cathartic, it also manages to suck out the last remaining vestiges of my brainpower. In short, it makes me tired, so that’s why I don’t do it a lot….in case you were wondering. And if not, just skip down to the second paragraph…lol.

I had a job interview today that required me to leave work at 11am and skip out into the merry world of Perth CBD. I had a nice friendly chat with a Japanese recruitment agent who not only told me that I was more than qualified for the job I had applied for, but then tried to head-hunt me for their soon-to-be-opening Perth recruitment office.

At various times during the interview he kept asking me,

"So, you’re sure you only want to work part time?"

It was as though there was something terribly wrong in me not working all day ,every day. It may have been the ‘work-’til-you-drop’ Japanese gene in him that kept bringing him back to querying my preferred work hours, but as he pored over my resume and talked about my language skills and education, I got the distinct impression that he felt that 12hrs a week of me playing office reception chick would somehow be a waste.

As Yamaguchi-san spun glorious tales of what would be required of me if I were to work for them – organizing study programmes at local English schools and training colleges, dealing with migration and visa applications, recruiting Japanese speakers for local Japanese businesses, cultural inductions etc., I was over-awed. I’d always imagined myself as the power suit-wearing career-woman and here he was detailing a list of things that I would love to do.

Of course, the cynical part of me was recalling what it was like to be in a ‘Japanese work environment’ aka having no life outside work and pondering the realities of a low base salary with ‘incentives’. At the same time the little girl part of me was also panicking and nearly shitting herself at the thought of ‘sales targets’ and being out in the big bad corporate world.

In the end I reiterated to him that at this stage after my full-time work experiences at Centrelink, I was only looking for part time work and that I wanted to use the other time to hone my translation skills etc. I said that I also said that I was finding it hard to do ‘runthe household’ while working . Naturally, I didn’t tell him the real truth – that I actually only wanted a little bit of work because my main career as slavebitch had already been decided and full-time work just fucked up my slave head space in a big way. But it would be nice if we could say that, wouldn’t it?

After the interview I regretted playing myself down. I thought that I’d missed a fantastic opportunity that will probably never come knocking again and when I sat back down at my desk at precisely 1:10pm to take another fucking call, I was kicking myself. I’ve come to the conclusion that I am utterly and totally torn between wanting a blazing career that would see me do something meaningful with ‘all my skills’, and wanting to be a slave bitch and nothing more. God, it’s so fifty-fifty at the moment that I can’t for the life of me decide on just one. I want both, but I know I can’t have both. Because I know I just don’t work that way.

I often think that if I just go down the career route then it would make my leaving Japan absolutely meaningless. If all I wanted to do was work heaps and make good money, I should have stayed in Japan!!! Then I could have not only had my job, but have eaten my melon bread too!

I keep having to remind myself that I left to be a slave.

I left to be a slave.

I left to be a slave.

And I’ll be damned if anything detracts from it.


5 thoughts on “No place like home

Add yours

  1. Its hard sometimes to decide between live the dream or live the life

    Your the only one who can make that decision and worse still your the only one who can decide was the decision the right one.


  2. Just recently discovered your blog and was going to lurk for a while before posting (still don’t have a LJ account for myself, for the alternative lifestyle..) but then I read this…maybe some creative thinking will let you have your slave life and more of a career.

    I understand about the problems with a 40 or more hour per week job versus your D/s life. In fact your “Day 4 of my week off” post was the one that hooked me on your blog when I found said it so well, the two copies of “you” you contrasted. Some thoughts on that, I’ll post another time.

    But have you thought about teaching? Here in the US a masters degree is sufficient (for a community college for example) and that would let you have the win-win situation of more free time and something that truly felt like a career. Sure there would be pressure to go full time year round, but you would have lots of options, like, teaching full time fall semester, taking spring semester off, or teaching 3/4 one semester, 1/2 a load the next, taking summers off, or teaching one or two courses during the could follow the ebb and flow of your energy and increase or decrease the amount of teaching you do, as needed/wanted. Here in the US, and probably in Austr. the pay is way lower for part-timers than for full timers..but it’s still way better than minimum wage, more satisfying, and a career you can develop yourself through, over time. You might not even need a Master degree (no pun intended) to teach part time..teaching Japanese maybe? Just some thoughts. (will be creating a LJ account but you can reach me at peacedom at gmail if you need. I used to be in the lifestyle but have been on, shall we say, ‘sabbatical’ away from the lifestyle for some years now..) Hope some of these comments/ideas might be helpful. Peace and blessings to you.

  3. “what I imagine childbirth to be – squeezing a big squishy mass into a small space” – euwww… let’s just say that that is one of the top three reasons why I *never* want to have children!

    I can relate to this post a lot. It is too late for me in the career-vs-submission dilemma, in that the career won a long time ago and now I have to wrestle constantly, daily even, with how to combine my desires for submission and service with the reality of my work. The other tension I wrestle with is the one between my desire to be a hermit in a cave, rarely encountering other humans, and my desire to be a good sub and serve someone I care deeply about!

  4. Why don’t you go for it if you’re fifty-fifty? I say this because the one option (fantastic career opportunity) isn’t always there, but it seems slave life WILL always be there for you. It seems your Master is supporting whatever decision YOU decide.

    If you choose work and then decide its not for you, full time slave girlie will be right around the corner.

    But if you give up this chance, and then decide you want to pursue it, it won’t be there anymore.

    Either way, congratulations!! I hope you give it a try!

  5. Interesting perspective. Just to clarify that I (peacedom aka anon at 2008-09-05 01:10 pm) am a different anon than 11:24pm anon. I see your reasoning for “go for it” while mine was looking for a way she can have both a (pretty) full and rewarding career, and her desired D/s life..But we do agree on this: it’s up to her 🙂 -PD

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