I’ve had a thought buzzing around my head for the last few days…
Does Master enjoy the fact that he can do anything he wants to me, or does he actually enjoy doing anything he wants to me?
The reason I’ve been thinking about this is probably due to his habit of mind-fucking the hell out of me and then doing nothing. A recent blog of his is a good case in point. He goes into great detail about all the nasty thoughts he has about doing things to me, but then discounts each nefarious plan due to one reason or another. He’ll also often tell me to go to his bed for a beating, but what he will actually do is tap my botty once or twice with the cane and then ravish me.
To go with this pondering I had an interesting moment when we went and did our normal weekly grocery shop at the supermarket. Along with the items on our list he made a huge case of buying two boxes of long matches. When I inquired as to what they were for, he responded that he needed them for his camping cookers because they needed to be lit manually. I asked why he needed two boxes (a total of 100 matches). He said because he had two cookers. Of course, how could I be so stupid.???
In the two years I’ve been here, I’ve seen him drag out those spider-infested cookers once. Just one time when they were having a soup day at his work and he offered to bring them down. I won’t even mention the fact that it’s the dead of winter, he has no camping trips planned for the next five years and we already have 3/4 of a box of matches for the wood heater in the lounge room.
He is a man who likes to be prepared….for eventualities that may or may not occur in his lifetime. I could cite numerous examples of his preparedness, for example:
The dozens of flashlights he has around the house – ‘you’ll be glad we have them when there’s a blackout’
The dozens of tins of food in the pantry – ‘you’ll be glad we have them when there’s a flood’
The garage full of every imaginable tool, screw, nut, bolt – ‘you’ll be glad we have them when I need to make something’
The point is that I think he feels comfortable that he has these things. He likes to know they are there if and when he gets in the mood to drag them out and use them. I’m wondering if he thinks about me like that. I wonder if he feels comforted by the fact that I’m there, ready, available for use whenever he needs me. I’m beginning to think that just the *idea* of having me is enough for him – the knowledge that I am there satiates him on lots of levels.
At the supermarket when I suggested that perhaps he didn’t need the matches, the look in his eyes was dangerous. Like an animal possessively protecting its property, the air was crackling with animosity directed towards me. Similarly, whenever I get an unsolicited email from a guy in fetlife/collarme/alt suggesting that we have a chat/meet/play he’ll jump on them like a cat on a rat. Anyone threatening his property will get pounced upon. Like the boxes of matches that will sit in the cupboard and gather dust, I remain at his beck and call. When either of us will get used, who can say?
This probably reads like I’m complaining about not being used. I’m not. Afterall, it’s up to him how and when he wants to use his property. I just wonder sometimes what goes through his mind. I wonder what I ‘do’ for him and what purpose I serve when I’m not seeming to serve a purpose. As I’ve said, I’ve had to broaden my definition of use beyond beating and bondage and I’m beginning to think that just *being* his slave is also another type of use in his book.