Dearly beloved…

You like it when you’re treated like you’re worthless. You think you’re not worth anything – that you’re a slave, a piece of property and nothing else. You don’t deserve anything. You’re worth nothing and have nothing.

So went the script to my morning ravishing session. Normally I enjoy Master’s verbal pearls of wisdom about me and my thoughts, but every now and then he’ll say something that I can’t shake from my mind and I’ll lay there composing a blog as he does his thing.

That’s what happened this morning and thusthere is blog.

I’ve thought in the past that knowing that I was the lowliest of the low – thinking that I was the scum on the shoes of the scum on the shoes of the scum’s amoeba was a good head space for a slave to be in. It seemed the right thing to think. I mean, if you’re property without rights and choices and have to be obedient to your owner 100% of the time, you’re on the same level as that amoeba scum. I think in the past that my fantasy mantra was ‘I’m not worthy’ and part of me longed to be the one crawling around on the floor at the feet of my owner because that was my ‘place’. That’s what I thought I should be feeling. That’s what I wanted to feel because….. I guess……I felt I should be.

But the reality is, as I lay there this morning I thought I don’t want to be owned because I’m worthless, I want to be owned because I’m precious. I’m not something that can be tied up and beaten because I’m the scum of the earth and deserve no better, I’m something that needs to be locked up and never freed simply because I’m too valuable to let go.

I’ve talked before about the security that a D/s relationship gives me.  To me, the beatings and the bondage and all the other stuff involved is a manifestation of the love, the lust and the importance of the other person to you. The more there is, the more secure I feel, the more valuable I think I am and ultimately the more I want.  So while I don’t think anymore that I’m ‘not worthy’, I do think that I’m worthy of a beating or two or three.

Maybe that’s what wrong with me, why I don’t come across as the easily pliable slave, always smiling, always happy, no matter how much or how little use there is. Maybe that’s why I bitch and moan and complain about everything all the time. Maybe I think too much of my self and have positioned myself way above where I really should be.

And after all that pondering I return to what Master thinks of me. He has said to me before on numerous occasions that while I am ‘very special’ to him, I am and will always only ever be his slave. He has drummed into me the fact that that is all he wants me to be and all he wants out of our relationship.

But what does that really mean?

Does that mean that he thinks of me as his lowly slave who is lucky to have him or as his valuable slave who he is lucky to have?

Perhaps in some ways I’m both.  Lucky to have and to hold; from this day forward until death do us part.

I am.

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15 thoughts on “Dearly beloved…

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  1. i dont get the *lowly slave* bit as i believe slaves bring value to their owners, even though i dont believe a slave should have an ego they should still know and understand that they have value, thus making them anything but *lowly*.
    my opinion of course and it could be a bit skewered because i have thoughts of a kitten/carina wrestlemania on my mind lol.

  2. Our first relationship crashed and burned from a bit of this. In a big way, there was an obvious distance between who I was and what I brought to his life. In essence – he was my superior in every way. Since we are humans who are not perfect, and since we are pretty complementary people, that’s just not the case. Ultimately the distance between us on that issue reinforced my insecurities rather than my securities and a part of me started to hate him for not being able to value me when it came to things that he would have to consider himself less than a god at. That’s a slightly strong exaggeration, but not by much. Things are much, much messier now, and G’s found lots he’s had to work on himself just as I have stuff to work on. We also work a helluva lot better as a team (regardless of the power dynamics in play.) Not sure if I’m communicating clearly….

  3. A Chained slave,

    Is a wanted slave.

    No one chains or ties something down that one does not want to keep.

    The lucky part is that master and slave have each other. After all what would a slave be without the chain or the whip and the collar.

    Who would the master have without the slave?

    Without contrast nothing is clearly visible.

  4. I haven’t slept for awhile and have been working hard so this probably won’t make any sense. 😉

    I think you will come to the day when you feel secure in what is going on and not rehash conversations and words over and over. It does take a lot to let go, enjoy and most of all BELIEVE!

    For the first three years Sir and I were together I was always doubting everything, myself, Him, us, what was said, not said, looks, no looks, well you get the idea. lol

    But then one day I realised I was comfortable and everything sort of fell into place. We are still together, happy as ever and it’s been almost five years now. We are both content, at a great place and just floating along nice and happily. That doesn’t mean we don’t have bad days etc, I’m not one of those who makes out life is oh so perfect.

    But it is good and I believe you’ll get to that point as well. It just takes time. I’ve been told hundreds of times by Sir and family that I think too much and that’s the truth. I don’t go over everything with a fine tooth comb anymore and life is so much easier.

    I think I’m repeating myself, I’m so tired. What I’m saying is you’ll be ok kitten, it’ll just take time but you will one day wake up and realise you have found ‘that’ place and it’s so much better. 🙂

  5. I’m not a doctor….

    …it’s just a game I sometimes play.

    That makes complete sense. You just left out the word/concept of synergy. Or maybe it’s love. All I know for sure is that part of the pleasure I take is in knowing the pleasure I give (it is, after all, just a different form of affection)

    It’s awkwardly stated, but I’m sure you can glean the point I’m so badly trying to make.

    Upton

  6. I think I’ve had a bit of a rude awakening in the sense that for the first time, I’m with a man who is smarter than me and who knows all my little tricks and foibles. It’s been very sobering….for me.

    I’m not sure if he has things to work on as I do…but I’m guessing that he’s just as human as me in that sense.

    k

  7. I’m still definitely in the dissecting and rehashing phase of the relationship. Maybe that means that I’m not feeling totally secure…or maybe I still have doubts about me, us and everything. I don’t know….

    Another part of me likes that I question, likes that I don’t take things on face value. In some ways I process accepting as ‘giving up’. It’s probably not a good place to be, but that’s where I am.

    k

  8. I think I understand what you’re saying….

    You might want to consider as powerful a feeling it is that he knows all your tricks and foibles, you probably know his moods just as well by now. I’ve definitely felt the kind of … awe maybe? from realizing I’m not going to be able to pull this one over on someone and I think that happens a lot to women (like us) who are *very* clever. The impact of someone seeing through that cleverness is proportionately stronger. I just wouldn’t dismiss your ability to read him as well.

    G will always be my superior in book smarts – he’s both technically a genius (stupidly high IQ from my perspective (o: ) and loves learning in a way that I don’t always. But I bring a lot to the table too in other areas. We’ve decided to see things as a complementary balance and choose to live with other imbalances (power for example – although G’s been usurped lately by my MBA program) as a rational and conscious decision by “equals” in a sense. This gives us a lot more wiggle room for neither of us being perfect – he doesn’t have to be the Perfect Dom and I don’t have to be a Perfect Submissive or Slave.

    It also gives us a lot more room to love one another outside of that dynamic and to grow – which I think is a crucial component to a very long term relationship.

    rambling a bit…..

  9. As soon as I read this one I thought of a Buddhist line about wisdom teaching me I am nothing and love teaching me I am everything – although perhaps in this case, it is our fantasies that make us want to feel like ‘nothing’ and our own intelligence and self-esteem wanting to be ‘everything.’ I may get turned on when he says that I am lower than the animals in the household hierarchy, but I sure as hell would not be here if I thought he meant it. As you say – I want to be chained because I am too precious to let go, not because I am actually worthless, so it is ‘safe’ for me to get turned on by those words because I know I am the most precious thing in his world.

  10. I may get turned on when he says that I am lower than the animals in the household hierarchy, but I sure as hell would not be here if I thought he meant it.

    Hmmmm…suspension of belief…you’ve gotta love it.

    All the world’s a stage and all the doms and subs merely players??

    k

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