1. I’m an attention whore
2. If I don’t write down the shit in my head I tend to implode
3. It’s a great way for me to let Master know what’s happening upstairs and to get his feedback
4. Playing with words is fun
5. Getting comments from readers gives me a rush (see No.1)
Waaaaay back in the beginning, I was required to hand-write a journal. I’m not exactly sure why. It was just another one of my tasks – along with the nightly enemas and chaining myself up – that eventually became meaningless when I realised that he didn’t care whether I wrote in it or not. I was never given any feedback or ‘answers’ to my questions. In fact, I remember having to literally wave my journal in front of him before he would read it. I was pouring my heart and soul out in it and it hurt immensely that he’d give it nothing more than a cursory scan and toss it aside.
I eventually found LJ and decided that I could type quicker than I could write, so I started keeping everything here in a locked journal. I ended up typing up most of my handwritten journals and soon it took on the form of one long record of my unhappiness. After I broke up with my former owner, I started up this journal and transferred most of the entries across as a record of my ‘journey’. It was quite a big decision at the time to go public with my journal because in the beginning I was worried about putting my thoughts and feelings out there for all to scrutinize. I was also considering the identity issues and stuff like that. I’m not sure whether I’ve become more comfortable with myself or not, but now I don’t really mind having my face, ass and all the other bits out there.
Master always, always reads my blogs and comments on just about all of them. I appreciate so much the fact that he does read them and digests what I say. I remember how incredibly frustrating it was before to never have affirmations or praise. On many levels, even though I don’t have decision-making rights, I need to have a voice. I need to be able to express myself and know I’m being heard.
Master started blogging after we talked about how I’d like to know what he thinks. Every now and then he’ll throw in a very detailed description of his thoughts and feelings, but mostly he blogs about the day to day. His blog is a record of what he does. My blog is a record of how I feel. I think we compliment each other nicely and I enjoy the fact that I can relive our times together there on the pages of his journal.
I don’t expect everyone who reads our blogs to agree with what we do or say. Our brand of D/s is relaxed and very laid back. While I am the slave and he is the Master, we call each other ‘sweetie’ and generally hang out like ‘normal’ people do. We don’t have rituals or really any rules. We’re just a couple of folks trying to enjoy our time together and make it through this crazy thing called ‘life’.
I don’t blog to save the world. I don’t try to change the opinions of anyone. I just ask for a bit of common courtesy and decency from those folks who stop by to read my thoughts.