Twilight is a time of the day that I absolutely love. Why? It’s so calming, so quiet and unlike other times of the day, there’s nothing in particular that you have to do. It’s not dinner time, it’s not clean the house time or get ready for work time, it’s time just to ‘be’.
This is generally the time of the day when I feel really…
The other twilight I went and draped myself over my domly one who was lounging in the lounge room and made my feelings known:
‘Wanna tie me up and beat me?’He obliged by tying my legs to the top of the bedhead and cuffing my hands above my head. There was some administering of crop, cane and paddle and some ravishing to wrap it all up.
If only twilight came more than once a day….
In a more sobering line of thought, I think I’m also experiencing another type of twilight – a time ‘between’ what was and what will be.
I’ve mentioned before that the ‘fire’ of my slavery has cooled somewhat, mostly through experience and also due to learning the harsh realities of life. I’m not quite the same person who would have once done anything at the snap of some domly fingers and I’m much more aware of the need to take my happiness into my own hands. Simply being owned as property is not enough to fulfill me on all levels. It’s a part of my life, but not the under-pinning foundation of everything. Like an itch, if I focus on other things enough, I can wipe slavery completely out of my mind.
Having a browse through Fetlife and profiles of my friends I came across some words in the profile of a dear friend carinastarr
“I have grown out of my slave heart.”
I think I actually heard a gong sound in my head as I read it. I’ve often felt that I’m in a different emotional place than where I was before, and her words perfectly summed up my feelings.
I’m a big believer in the fact that we are constantly growing and evolving and I suppose slavery is something that can be as easily grown out of as a pair of shoes that no longer fit. More often than I’d like, I feel my slavery chafe because it’s not the perfect fit that it once was, but I don’t know how to make it fit, and in fact, I don’t know if I even want it to fit.
The dilemma is compounded by the fact that I’ve had many conversations with Master about what I am to him. All of them have revolved around the following central statement:
“I don’t want a girlfriend, a housekeeper or a wife. I want a slave.That’s what you are to me and all you can ever be.”
He seems so sure as to what he wants and it worries me that I would have no place with him if I wasn’t his slave. Of course, I have some doubts as to his definition of a slave and his feelings of mutual exclusivity. In my experience I’ve been a girlfriend, housekeeper and wife to him, in all but name, all the while still being his ‘slave’.
So here I am in the twilight of my slavery, pondering whether I want to race back into the blazing light of day or go forward into the quiet chill of night.
It’s so hard to make these decisions when you’ve got no sense of direction.