Master thinks I complain a lot. In fact, when I got home from my subbie girl shopping trip on Monday, he wanted to know whether I’d ‘whined’ sufficiently to the other girlies about not getting beaten enough/what a bastard he is/how being a slave is tough.
He may think it’s whining, but I like to call it ‘sharing my feelings’ 😉
I guess that’s the problem with having a blog that is for the sole purpose of ‘venting’. By default, it’s going to be a litany of anger-inducing moments, failures and general whining. If I had a close girlie friend to whine to ‘share my feelings with’ then I probably wouldn’t feel the need to write it all down here, but I don’t, so here I whine.
In reply to Master’s question though, I pointed out to him that I hardly ever whine any more and that generally I was at peace . I mean, seriously, how long has it been since I’ve had a meltdown or a massive bitch session?? I think he is stuck with an image of the old me in his head- the one full of expectations, fantasies and unattainable standards who used to have a breakdown every three months or so.
Daphne commented the other day that it seemed like my relationship with Master was becoming more important to me than my relationship with slavery. I thought it was a very astute comment and I think she managed to succinctly put into words the change that has been taking place quietly inside me for the last few months.
I guess I’m at the stage where the bells and whistles are nice, but I don’t really *need* them anymore. If I was in therapy, I guess this would be called a ‘break through’ – the moment where I gain control over what had been controlling me.
I think I used to be more of a slave to slavery and bdsm itself than I was to Master. I was a slave to the trappings, the rituals, the rules, the supposed ‘lifestyle’ that I was supposed to be leading. I think it’s hard to really submit to the one who owns you when you are too busy submitting to what you ‘should’ be doing.
Now, I expect absolutely nothing. I don’t wait in anticipation of weekends for play or parties or anything. There’s no expectation and therefore no disappointment. There’s also no pressure or angst. I don’t think that I’m anything less or more when there has or hasn’t been an implement impacting with my botty and regardless of what does or doesn’t happen, I’m still his slave. As I said, I’ve gained back my control over the beast that is bdsm.
The only downside to this is that I’m whimsical about how passionate I used to be about it. Those early times when I would be too excited to eat or scared shitless or feeling another of the myriad of intense emotions were, in many ways, ‘the good ol’ days’.
Now there is nothing.
But I’m taking that as a good thing, because without the highs, there aren’t any lows either so I’m spending my days in the warm haze of a temperate climate where there aren’t any extremes. It’s not glaring sunshine one day and teeth-chattering cold the next, it’s warm and comfortable every day.
I bet Master will read this and say,
“There you go. Even when you’re not complaining, you’re still complaining.”
…but really, I’m just sharing my feelings 8)