I’ve been chewing this topic over for about a week now, thinking about the point I’m trying to make and what I want to say and then thinking that maybe I don’t have a point after all and deciding not to write. I do that all the time – have a spark of an idea for a blog topic and then doubt and angst over whether I’ve really got something valid to say. I mean, who the hell am I to have an opinion? Master has, after all, spent the last 2 1/2 years teaching me that I’m pond scum. Is pond scum supposed to have an opinion?
Sometimes I think I should just write about my day and be done with it. Of course, that would make absolutely riveting reading as my readers struggled to keep their eyes open as I related the amusing story of how my shoes broke on the way home from work or how I couldn’t decide what to have for dinner. I’m sure my blog stats would simply go through the roof (have I mentioned that I am secretly addicted to wordpress’ blog stats???lol.)
Well, anyway, onto the topic: I’ve decided that I’m a very reason-orientated person in that I like to know the why of things. I’m not so naturally inquisitive as to pull apart my toaster just to see what makes it brown stuff, but I definitely like to know how my actions contribute to the world around me. (I would also like to know how they can possibly make a new Star Trek movie with a crappy Australian actor in it instead of Jean Luc, but I think that will remain a mystery for years to come…)
Being reason-orientated and being a slave at the same time is not good mix. Slaves are suppose to *do*, not *do because xyz*. Unfortunately though, a lot of the interactions between me and Master go like this:
“Put your boots on.”
….and so on ad nauseum.
Sometimes a reason as simple as, ‘Because I want you to’ will satisfy some burning little desire in me to have a reason to do something. Which really is strange because the very act of him asking me to do something is obviously motivated by his wish for me to do it. But for some reason, I need to hear the words. I need to know that I’m doing it for him.
Being reason-orientated is also why I have so much trouble doing things that seemingly serve no purpose e.g. being chained to the bed when I’m alone in the house and he is 300kms away. I mentioned before that I was having problems with getting into a slave head-space and one of the suggestions was for me to do some meditation or repeat a mantra or something. It sounds like a good idea, but in reality my mantra instead of being, ‘I am slave’ would become, ‘Why the hell do I have to do this?’
Master and I have been watching Rome season two on dvd and I have to say they had a very no-fuss policy towards their slaves – fuck them up the bum, beat them well and don’t kill them capriciously. Anytime a slave was impudent or ‘rose’ above their station, they’d be beaten swiftly and life would go on. There was no, “Why do I have to stand here for hours fanning you with these feathers?” or “Why can’t you put your own damn grapes in your mouth?”
I suppose we are talking about a culture where smearing fresh chicken blood over your children’s faces was the best way to remove a curse, but at least slaves knew better than to ask, ‘Why?’