Understanding man-speak

Master sends me things he think I will find amusing and generally I do. This was a recent offering that landed in my inbox from him:

Understanding woman-speak…
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the fuck up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch tv before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘nothing’ usually end in ‘fine’.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. For fuck’s sake, don’t do it!

5.) Loud Sigh : This isn’t actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about ‘nothing’. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That’s Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say, ‘You’re welcome.’

8.) Whatever : Is a women’s way of saying FUCK YOU!

9.) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response, refer to #3 then RUN!

Because I’m deep in plague-ness and I’d rather not tear the heads off small children and animals,  I’ve decided to write my vocabulary guide:

Understanding man-speak:

1.) I’m fine:  This is the phrase men use to avoid going to a doctor even when they are half-dead/ have a gaping hole in some part of their anatomy/ are missing a limb.

2.) I don’t want to talk about it: Obviously in relation to a topic that calls into question their manliness/their ability to fix something/money and/or where they were last Friday night.

3.) I know where I am: ….self-explanatory.

4.) I have one of those in the garage: said in response to a woman’s request to buy something that they really need but that can never be found/requires fixing before it can be used/is not the actual thing that she wanted.

5.) We don’t need to call someone, I can do it: Danger is imminent, call a professional immediately.

6.) A man’s breakfast: generally consists of eggs, bacon, sausages, tomato…and toast cut into liddle twiangles.

7.) I’ll do it on the weekend: be careful here of the rather loose term “on the weekend”…and also the loose terms, “I’ll”, “do” and “it”.

8.) The speed limit: generally refers to the fastest speed the car can do.

9.) In a minute: note that the actual length of time it will take a man to begin to do what he has been asked to do increases proportionally with the type of activity. For anything involving cleaning or shopping, minutes can turn into hours, days or never.

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