Controlling the beast

Master thinks I complain a lot. In fact, when I got home from my subbie girl shopping trip on Monday, he wanted to know whether I’d ‘whined’ sufficiently to the other girlies about not getting beaten enough/what a bastard he is/how being a slave is tough.

He may think it’s whining, but I like to call it ‘sharing my feelings’ šŸ˜‰

I guess that’s the problem with having a blog that is for the sole purpose of ‘venting’. By default, it’s going to be a litany of anger-inducing moments, failures andĀ general whining. If I had a close girlie friend to whine toĀ ‘share my feelings with’ then I probably wouldn’t feel the need to write it all down here, but I don’t, so here I whine.

In reply to Master’s question though,Ā Ā I pointed out to him that I hardly ever whine any more and that generally I was at peace . I mean, seriously, how long has it been since I’ve had a meltdown or a massive bitch session?? I think he is stuck with an image of the old me in his head- the one full of expectations, fantasies and unattainableĀ standards who used to have a breakdown every three months or so.

Daphne commented the other day that it seemed like my relationship with Master was becoming more important to me than my relationship with slavery. I thought it was a very astute comment and I think she managed to succinctly put into words the change that has been taking place quietly inside me for the last few months.

I guess I’m at the stage where the bells and whistles are nice, but I don’t really *need* them anymore. If I was in therapy, I guess this would be called a ‘break through’ – the moment where I gain control over what had been controlling me.

I think I used to be more of a slave to slavery and bdsm itself than I was to Master. I was a slave to the trappings, the rituals, the rules, the supposed ‘lifestyle’ that I was supposed to be leading. I think it’s hard to really submit to the one who owns you when you are too busy submitting to what you ‘should’ be doing.

Now, I expect absolutely nothing. I don’t wait in anticipation of weekends for play or parties or anything. There’s no expectation and therefore no disappointment. There’s also no pressure or angst. I don’t think that I’m anything less or more when there has or hasn’tĀ been an implement impacting with my botty and regardless of what does or doesn’t happen, I’m still his slave. As I said, I’ve gained back my control over the beast that is bdsm.

The only downside to this is that I’m whimsical about how passionate I used to be about it. Those early times when I wouldĀ be too excitedĀ to eat or scared shitless or feeling another of the myriad of intense emotions were, in many ways, ‘the good ol’ days’.

Now there is nothing.

But I’m taking that as a good thing, because without the highs, there aren’t any lows either so I’m spending my days in the warm haze of a temperate climate where there aren’t any extremes. It’s not glaring sunshine one day and teeth-chattering cold the next, it’s warm and comfortable every day.

I bet Master will read this and say,

“There you go. Even when you’re not complaining, you’re still complaining.”

…but really, I’m just sharing my feelings 8)


5 thoughts on “Controlling the beast

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  1. What a beautiful post. I am so glad that you seem to have found so much happiness, even if you are a bit unhappy about that!
    But at the risk of disagreeing, I don’t think that the change really is that you have gained control over bdsm, it’s that you have given up control of yourself.
    I don’t “like” the pain which go with being a slave. That’s why they call it pain. I hate being beaten and I don’t like being tied up very much. I don’t feel that bondage shows that master doesnt want me to run away; it just means that if he walks away i am left tied to the postt.But i know those things are part of a much bigger whole in which I surrender control and can floar free wherever Master’s current directs me.
    Master says, and I believe him ( I always believe him about everything of course but i particularly believe this) that he actually enjoys giving pain. He likes the sopund of a beating and he wants me to be serious about begging him to stop. I certainly wouldn’t feel wistful if he did it less. “I’m not doing this for your benefit,” he points out when I suggest anything.
    But that too is part of it. I wonder whether in uyour time in Japan you came across anything in Eastern philosophy, like Zen or something, which is like the sense of just being part of the universe with no need to worry about what you do, except in so far asit pleases Master?

  2. you realise if l take you to Exmouth regardless of the temperature you have to go swimming, don’t you ?

    Now will it be whining or sharing your feelings, when you start telling me it’s too cold (higher than 25 but colder than 35) for you to go into the water.

    Shoudl your wetsuit be black like a seal or bright pink, personally l think brighter the better, so the sharks won’t mistake you for a seal and take a bite out of you.


  3. “my relationship with Master was becoming more important to me than my relationship with slavery.”

    i think im at that stage (FINALLY) where i dont expect things to happen the way my imagination works. and Sir is always good with giving me “kitty treatment” when i need it. but i agree with you on the one part – i do miss that scared shitless anticipation of it all, but the plus side is that even though its less scary its more intimate =)

    and im quoting you from now on – my whining will now be called “sharing my feelings” lol.

    1. I think it is a very tough ‘lesson’ to learn. It’s akin to learning that santa doesn’t really exist!

      Oh, and welcome to the ‘share your feelings’ club šŸ™‚

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