In this our third installment of, “kitten-is-shitting-herself-over-public-masturbation”, I thought I’d touch on the conversation I had with Master yesterday.
It’s a shame most of it was done on msn at ‘work’ where I can’t keep a log of the conversation. After chatting for a while with him about my hang-ups and fears, I remember coming to some sort of peace within myself and thinking, ‘I can do this’. In the harsh light of the day after however, I can’t for the life of me remember what was said and now all the angsty-ness is back again.
So I had another read of his blog and tried to glean some further enlightenment and picked up a passage I felt summed it up nicely:
My pleasure isn’t about her supposed self-humiliation, that’s her version, her self view. That is her free former self putting brakes and boundaries on her slavery. Unfortunately those boundaries apply to her and her alone. The reality is those boundaries don’t apply, don’t exist, she is self-deluding and the reality is she is my slave and will be obedient and will perform.
The ‘boundaries’ he talks of do exist and they exist mostly due to the fact that I know he cares for me. I know he cares for me and therefore there is a part of me that cannot comprehend that he can want to do things that reflect that he doesn’t care for me. I just can’t wrap my head around it. How can he say one minute that I am very special and that my happiness is important to him, and the next minute want to humiliate me so badly that I’m not only unhappy, but horrified to boot?? I just can’t reconcile it in my head.
See!? This is why I always say it’s better not to have feelings for your owner or slave. It’s always infinitely easier to do stuff when it’s a ‘business-only’ relationship. From the owner’s point of view, you can be as selfish as you want and not give a fuck how your slave feels about it. And from the slave’s point of you you can be orgasmically happy that he is selfishly doing whatever the fuck takes his fancy and doesn’t give a shit about you. Objectification, come on down!
I’m all for the objectification. I find it just damn hot – as a fantasy that is. I’m sure the reality of your owner not giving a toss about you is a very sad and lonely space. In fact, I think I’ve been there before with the ‘one who shall remain nameless’ and I didn’t enjoy it one bit – thus resulting in me leaving, albeit belatedly.
Master gets triple bonus points for his ‘care factor’ about me. I love that he takes an interest in me. I love that he remembers all the insignificant things I tell him that make me, me. Although the fantasy of an owner who just uses and abuses you is every slavegirl’s fantasy, I think the reality is that you can’t sustain it. I think the slave starts losing self-worth and it very quickly turns into a downward spiral because ultimately, at the core of everyone is the need to know that they ‘matter’ to someone.
So that leaves me in the conundrum. I need him to care about me, and he does. He cares about me, but treats me ‘badly’ on occasion too. I look at the ‘bad treatment’ and think that maybe he doesn’t care about me…..and the cycle continues.
Then I try and reconcile things by thinking that maybe the ‘bad treatment’ is more of a mind-fuck than real. And that no-matter what he does, he’s just messing with my mind.
Then I remind myself that I’m a slave.
That I’m wearing the one wearing the shiny thingie.
And I ask, can anyone show they care for you more than by putting a collar around your throat and rings in your cunt?