Just call me Dr. Ruth

It’s a very rare occurrence when I get sent an email, and even rarer when I get asked for advice, but below are some excerpts of a recent email I received (posted with the author’s permission):
i know you have a steel collar locked around your neck as i do. i have worn mine almost constantly for several year, and now have very bad pains in my neck. What is it about these round, steel collars that make us better slaves? 
i have not a clue as to why the collar is such a big deal to some Masters. i think the most important collar is the one around my heart. i think i am at the breaking point with the collar. What are your experiences? my Master just says he likes the way it looks on me. i know he enjoys seeing me in pain.
My fantasy:
The slave within me is physically bound.
She wears constant reminders on the body that is no longer hers. She is restrained, she is caged, she is contained.
The slave within me is marked.
Her Master has marked her as his property. Anyone who looks at her knows she is a slave. She cannot hide what she is; there is no doubt.
My reality:
It’s noisy, heavy and the screw has an annoying habit of poking its head out and sticking into my neck. The hinge traps my hair and pinches my skin every now and then. Anything more physical than a brisk walk sees it banging up and down into my collar bone and jaw. Getting comfortable when laying down takes a bit of adjustment. I have occasional episodes where I feel like I’m being ‘suffocated’ by it and wish I could just rip it off.
My point of view:
My ideas about collars have changed a little over time. In the beginning I had a love/hate relationship with my collar and now it has become a hate/resignation relationship. Like yourself t, I really don’t feel that a collar is ‘necessary’ to make me a slave and the inconveniences associated with the reality of wearing a permanent collar outweigh any benefits of ‘reminding’ me of my slavery.
Master’s point of view:
You’re a slave, you’ll wear a collar. Also, I like it so you’ll wear it. Do you want some cheese with your wine?
I suppose a collar has been part of the ‘uniform’ of a slave for as long as anyone can remember and rarely do you find a dom who doesn’t want to put a collar around his slave’s neck at one time or another. If you had asked me a while ago, I would of emphatically said, ‘You can’t be a slave without a collar!!’ but now I’m thinking that line of thinking is a bunch of hooey. Something around your neck does not a slave make.
I’ve tried the whole this-is-not-medically-good-for-me with my pussy rings, boots and collar to date, but unfortunately as far as anything to do with ‘the look’ is concerned, I might as well be speaking Slovakian. Master doesn’t enjoy seeing me in pain unless it’s something that he has directly inflicted, but he does not care if I’m in pain as a result of achieving ‘the look’.
The bottom line is, I’m the slave – deal with it.
I do find however, that there is still a small part of me that wants to do what he wants. If he casually mentions that he wants something or wants me to do something, some part of me, deep inside, thinks about a way that I can possibly do it. So even though I don’t want any more pain and I don’t want any more piercings, tattoos or whatever else he feels the need to do to me, after an initial knee-jerk reaction of, “No fucking way” I start to try to wrap my head around the possibility of whatever takes his fancy.
So a few questions to consider:
1.Do the trappings make me any more or less a slave? No.
My choice to be a slave makes me a slave.
2.What if I don’t want to do what he wants?
You discuss your issues, but at the end of the day, he makes the choices.
3.What if I really can’t do it?
See answer to (1) above.
I’m sorry I haven’t got any more advice than this t. Just call me Dr. NFI (no fucking idea) instead. Take care xx

11 thoughts on “Just call me Dr. Ruth

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  1. Geez…this is a hard one. My husband and I went through this issue of M/s about 6 months ago. For a very short time. I thought I wanted this…he did too.

    However, we decided that after a 24 year marriage, we had developed patterns that were hard to break…but the love we share doesn’t need trappings.

    I am devoted to him….as is he to me. We pull the cart together, however, I am VERY aware that he is a MAN…in the fullest sense of the word, and I know I am a woman…his woman. We tested this out and it didn’t break.

    However, on Valentine’s Day…he gave me a ‘collar’. I beautiful silver flat chain, about 1/2 inch wide that sits very nicely on my neck. I wear it. It’s our bond because I don’t wear a wedding ring. Have them, but I don’t like them except for special occasions.

    But the collar is something very beautiful and meaningful between us. And I can wear it, and do, in public. It’s eye catching and IF I want to I explain it’s meaning.

    We practice some shibari, bondage, and a little light flogging…but pain doesn’t seem to be much of anything between us…he doesn’t demand that, and I am grateful. We ‘play’ around with these things, but the basis of the marriage, the relationship is deep devotion and respect…of course things can get out of wack.

    But he still is, after 24 years, the man of my life…and the best of men to boot. I willingly serve him because of what he is.

    Be well!

    Lady Nyo

    1. Thank you for the comment. I guess when you really think about it, men have wanted to ‘decorate’ their women for centuries. Jewellery is just another type of collar and of course there is the wedding ring thing to ‘show the world’ your status as well.

      I’m glad you’re comfortable in your relationship and do what you want to do, without worrying about others.

  2. Master gave me my collar 6 mths ago, i’ve tried and tried to wear it, however i have an allergy to the silver, every time i wear it my next comes up in a nasty itchy rash not a good look lol……i feel lost without it. Luckily he understands that the collar is causing me considerable irritation. Doenst make me any les a sub tho


    1. It’s sad you get a rash from it, but it’s even sadder how we’ve been conditioned to feel ‘sad/inadequate’ if we don’t wear a collar. It definitely doesn’t make you any less of a sub 🙂

  3. I am really curious about your collar and the person you were responding to in your post. Would you mind posting a picture of the collar you wear? I can’t quite imagine it. I have a steel collar that I wear 24/7 but it hasn’t caused neck problems. It DOES grab the hair on the nape of my neck and sometimes if I bend wrong, it chokes me. Your comments about the noise and heaviness make me wonder about what style you’re wearing.

    1. Hi blade,
      t and I wear turian collars (I’m guessing you wear a similar one). t’s was purchased from http://www.ringofsteel.net/ and my current one from http://www.houseofcollars.com/. t said she used to have the one with the padlock on it and that annoyed the crap out of her, so her master got the ‘improved’ one with the allen screw.

      With my previous owner, I had a slightly more ergonomically designed one (it curved to fit over the shoulders) and I felt it was better to wear, but actually it was incredibly difficult to get on and off (which may or may not be a good thing!) I’ll put a pic of my old collar and my recent collar in the ‘pics’ page on my blog. It’s not so much the collar that makes the noise but the ‘o’ ring jingling and jangling all the time.

      t has been wearing a metal collar for ten years and myself four and a half. We both agree that the neck problems are a result of wearing something for so long. It’s not that they are terribly heavy, but over time that additional weight on your neck will cause problems in some people.

      1. My collar isn’t turian style, it looks like a metal puppy/kitten collar. I get a lot of compliments on it, except people usually refer to it as “your metal choker thingy” Haha!

        Here is a collar similar to mine. I don’t have gems on mine and instead of a pendant, I have his Army dog tag dangling from a ring. That does jangle a bit.

        1. Thanks for the pic. You’ve got a purdy collar:)

          Doesn’t the jangling annoy you? And I always hate how I can’t quite wash my neck properly – I always feel like I’d still like to give it a good scrub!

          1. Thank you!

            The noise used to bother me and for ages it made me feel very self-conscious. I kept feeling like people were looking at me at all the noise that I would swear I was making. I still sometimes get self conscious about the noise, but if it wasn’t there anymore I would probably miss it.

            Oh and on the neck thing…I totally know what you mean! I found this teeny little round sponge in the health/beauty/bath section of Walmart. It was about one or two dollars. It’s about an inch and a half in diameter. It is the perfect size to stick under the collar and do a neck scrubbing with.

            1. I still feel self-conscious about the noise and the look. I always feel ilke people are staring at me for some reason – like I’ve got a huge booger hanging out of my nose or something.

              I’d like it if I could use a loofah – but it doesn’t fit!

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