I’m a big enough girl to take it

You know it’s going to be a not-so-good day when you open your inbox first thing in the morning, only to find an email from the admin of the BBW group on flickr wanting to know if they can use one of your pics….

Ho hum…

Well, at least it was an older pre-diet pic. I can comfort myself with that fact that I’m not quite that BBW anymore.

It was still a depressing start to the day though – not saying that there is anything wrong with BBW mind you. I just don’t want to be that way and am trying my darnedest to be a THM (thinner, happier me).

But anyway, there are ruminations in my brain that need to be expressed, so I shall forge ahead with a blog and not curl up in a blankie like I really feel like doing…Make it so!

Remember that blog that I wrote about what’s hard about slavery? For everyone who is too lethargic to click, I’ll summarize it by saying that slavery involves you doing stuff for someone other than yourself all the time and because we are intrinsically wired to look after ourselves, we have to constantly struggle to overcome our programming.

Okay? Are you with me? Porn will only be distributed to those people who get a perfect score on the end-of-blog test, so pay attention!

The other thing that I think that makes it hard is the ‘controlling-while-not-being-in-control paradox’. The basis of consensual slavery is that the slave chooses to be a slave. If you are a consensual slave you have the power to stop being a slave at any time, so you are controlling the relationship (by consenting to be a slave) but you’re not in control of the relationship.

Now I know a lot of people like to say, ‘I’m a slave and I can’t stop being one’ or ‘I could never leave my Master’ etc. etc. But that is all a bunch of hooey. (Hooey is my new favourite word in case you haven’t noticed.) If you are a consensual slave in the modern world, you can leave at any time. And no, I don’t think that if you’re chained inside the house and have no access to money etc. and your owner won’t let you leave if you want to that you are in a ‘consensual slavery’ arrangement. This type of an arrangement is known as a ‘crime’ and will get you some serious jail time.

Choosing to be a slave (by my definition i.e. no rights, no choices beyond the original choice to be a slave) gives your owner a blanket right to do whatever the hell they want to you. Choosing to be a slave doesn’t mean that you necessarily *like* everything that they do to you, but being a slave is what you signed up for and therefore you have to submit. If you don’t want to submit to something and your owner won’t budge from what he wants, that’s a ‘deal breaker’ and will generally end up in the slave no longer choosing to be that person’s slave.

Now, we get to the part that is hard…constantly submitting to things that you don’t like or don’t enjoy or that you feel are detrimental to your health, or that lower your quality of life is unbelievably stressful. It’s like living on the edge of blurting out your safeword; but you don’t want to because you chose this; but you feel like you can’t go on; and you feel like a failure as a slave; but you don’t think he really understands what it’s doing to you; and you want to use your safeword…but then you realise that you don’t have one.

The only thing you can do is chose to not be a slave.

Also there is a self-imposed mind-fuck going on. You chose to be a slave, therefore you are saying he can do whatever he wants. You are in fact ‘giving your blessing’ to his actions whatever they may be – but his actions are hurting you or making your daily life miserable or making you want to *not* be a slave.

‘I hate this.’

‘But I chose this.’

‘But I hate this.’

‘But I chose this.’

Like a one-track record this plays over and over in your head and it wears you down – little by little, day after day after day.

I got to thinking about this after I had that email from t. In the email she had also said how her master had her tongue and septum pierced and all she could do was taste and smell metal and she couldn’t eat properly. She also had her labia pierced and had problems similar to mine. With the neck pain from the collar and everything, she’s not a happy camper. But she gets through the day by reminding herself that she chose this.

It’s a difficult problem. Not all owners care what happens to their slave and some owners have different levels of caring. Not all owners ‘do it by the book’ and many have, at one time or another, done something that was *not good* for their slave simply because they wanted to do it. It doesn’t necessarily make them bad owners

Master shows a level of caring towards me that I never in a million years expected. He also occasionally does inexplicably unbelievable things to me that I would never do to my worst enemy. It does my head in sometimes.

Ahhh the life of a slave – full of mind-fucks and paradoxes. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

© a subtle slavegirl

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18 thoughts on “I’m a big enough girl to take it

Add yours

  1. when i read the beginning of your post today i couldnt believe it.. girl, you are in no way a bbw.. not pre diet or now.. i have seen your pictures- they are all lovely and hot by the way- and i swear, hand on the Bible- you are no way, now, or in anything i have seen of you, a bbw… and i agree- there is nothing wrong with being a bbw- there are some beautiful women out there, no matter their sizes… but im still shakin’ my head in disbelief that you were contacted for that…just shrug it off sweetie- you are beautiful.. and i like your THM thingy…. im gonna steal that and use it for me too…lol.
    hugs,
    Hisflower

    1. Well, pretty much I do it because I’d like to be in the healthy weight and BMI range!

      Also I was feeling uncomfortable with myself and unhappy at what I’d allowed happen 🙂

  2. The problem with ‘doing it by the book’ is that the definitive text book on CS waits to be written. i certainly think the subtle slavegirl has the knowledge, experience, and skill to pen such a tome.
    What did i do with the number for Doubleday?

    t

    1. Hehehehe…

      I really don’t think you can write ‘the book’ about what we do. Everyone is different and while every man and his dog has a theory, I don’t think you can tell someone how they should be living. That actually reminds me too much of a religion 🙂

  3. I’ll admit I didn’t read anything after the BBW stuff. I had to rush in to say there is NO WAY in a hundred million years you are a BBW nor have you EVER been a BBW and I’ve seen piccies of you from NT days. Maybe they emailed you because they wanted to show BBW’s what taking care of yourself will achieve ie: a hot body like yours!!!

    As a fat arse, I don’t prescribe to the BBW shit, fat is fat and it isn’t all that beautiful otherwise everyone would be wanting to eat lard sangers. I digress though, I can’t believe someone would think you were a BBW.

    Please ignore them and continue on your very gorgeous and erotic way. 🙂

    1. Lol…I appreciate your passion 🙂

      You’ve seen pics of me from NT days? That’s got me pondering!

      The rest of the entry is a tad long-winded, but it was a good vent.

      1. 😦 I made a really stupid spelling error, can I change it please? LOL

        I’m an old alt person, but not a bad one, I’m fun. 😉

        1. The believe spelling? Lol….I sense you’re a tad anal 🙂 Should be fixed now.

          And old alt person? hmmm…any hints? I’m thinking maybe fun is a hint…

          1. I’m not really anal, althoughhhhhhhhhhhh *snickers*
            But thanks for fixing it.
            Yes that is a clue, not the fixing it, the clue you thought was a clue. OMG now I’m confusing myself.

            1. Np anal girl 🙂

              Me thinks you may possibly be fungirl, but I have been known to be wrong sometimes. But if you are fg, wow…that is really trippy…and wow…you’re a dedicated blog reader!

              I’ve got to ask, have I changed???

              1. yes it’s me, fg… HEHEHE
                I love reading yours and M’s blogs, although now I need to log into his to reply I tend not to as I can never remember the name or password I choose. Stupid brain.

                Changed in what way? You seem a lot happier to me, you sure are NOT fat or BBW. I’m still shaking my head over that…..

                I’ve read from the NT days until now, although I must admit with my stupid brain I tend to forget a lot of stuff….

                1. *waves at fg…hiya 🙂 I forget stuff all the time too – my level of retaining information is about .002%

  4. had to grin at your first paragraph … I had a similar experience with one of those TV shows – ones that “change” your look because you look so damn BAD that the transformation is fascinating to millions of people! The biggest BOOST in the world was when the producers DIDN’T call me (it was a recruiter who stopped me).

    and I LOVE LOVE LOVE your honesty about “consensual” slavery – I rant on that all the time! It made me laugh out loud when you mention OTHER than consensual is a ‘crime”

    I find myself fascinated actually by what people agree to . thanks for the insight into your dynamic ….while I sure as hell wuold love to in a submissive position again, I’m way too bad tempered to ever do the “slave” thing LOL

    1. So, someone else nominated you to be on the show? Ouch.

      And I think you can still be bad-tempered and do the ‘slave thing’. I just told Master to fucking going and do his own shit…quote unquote. 🙂

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