You know it’s going to be a not-so-good day when you open your inbox first thing in the morning, only to find an email from the admin of the BBW group on flickr wanting to know if they can use one of your pics….
Well, at least it was an older pre-diet pic. I can comfort myself with that fact that I’m not quite that BBW anymore.
It was still a depressing start to the day though – not saying that there is anything wrong with BBW mind you. I just don’t want to be that way and am trying my darnedest to be a THM (thinner, happier me).
But anyway, there are ruminations in my brain that need to be expressed, so I shall forge ahead with a blog and not curl up in a blankie like I really feel like doing…Make it so!
Remember that blog that I wrote about what’s hard about slavery? For everyone who is too lethargic to click, I’ll summarize it by saying that slavery involves you doing stuff for someone other than yourself all the time and because we are intrinsically wired to look after ourselves, we have to constantly struggle to overcome our programming.
Okay? Are you with me? Porn will only be distributed to those people who get a perfect score on the end-of-blog test, so pay attention!
The other thing that I think that makes it hard is the ‘controlling-while-not-being-in-control paradox’. The basis of consensual slavery is that the slave chooses to be a slave. If you are a consensual slave you have the power to stop being a slave at any time, so you are controlling the relationship (by consenting to be a slave) but you’re not in control of the relationship.
Now I know a lot of people like to say, ‘I’m a slave and I can’t stop being one’ or ‘I could never leave my Master’ etc. etc. But that is all a bunch of hooey. (Hooey is my new favourite word in case you haven’t noticed.) If you are a consensual slave in the modern world, you can leave at any time. And no, I don’t think that if you’re chained inside the house and have no access to money etc. and your owner won’t let you leave if you want to that you are in a ‘consensual slavery’ arrangement. This type of an arrangement is known as a ‘crime’ and will get you some serious jail time.
Choosing to be a slave (by my definition i.e. no rights, no choices beyond the original choice to be a slave) gives your owner a blanket right to do whatever the hell they want to you. Choosing to be a slave doesn’t mean that you necessarily *like* everything that they do to you, but being a slave is what you signed up for and therefore you have to submit. If you don’t want to submit to something and your owner won’t budge from what he wants, that’s a ‘deal breaker’ and will generally end up in the slave no longer choosing to be that person’s slave.
Now, we get to the part that is hard…constantly submitting to things that you don’t like or don’t enjoy or that you feel are detrimental to your health, or that lower your quality of life is unbelievably stressful. It’s like living on the edge of blurting out your safeword; but you don’t want to because you chose this; but you feel like you can’t go on; and you feel like a failure as a slave; but you don’t think he really understands what it’s doing to you; and you want to use your safeword…but then you realise that you don’t have one.
The only thing you can do is chose to not be a slave.
Also there is a self-imposed mind-fuck going on. You chose to be a slave, therefore you are saying he can do whatever he wants. You are in fact ‘giving your blessing’ to his actions whatever they may be – but his actions are hurting you or making your daily life miserable or making you want to *not* be a slave.
‘I hate this.’
‘But I chose this.’
‘But I hate this.’
‘But I chose this.’
Like a one-track record this plays over and over in your head and it wears you down – little by little, day after day after day.
I got to thinking about this after I had that email from t. In the email she had also said how her master had her tongue and septum pierced and all she could do was taste and smell metal and she couldn’t eat properly. She also had her labia pierced and had problems similar to mine. With the neck pain from the collar and everything, she’s not a happy camper. But she gets through the day by reminding herself that she chose this.
It’s a difficult problem. Not all owners care what happens to their slave and some owners have different levels of caring. Not all owners ‘do it by the book’ and many have, at one time or another, done something that was *not good* for their slave simply because they wanted to do it. It doesn’t necessarily make them bad owners
Master shows a level of caring towards me that I never in a million years expected. He also occasionally does inexplicably unbelievable things to me that I would never do to my worst enemy. It does my head in sometimes.
Ahhh the life of a slave – full of mind-fucks and paradoxes. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
© a subtle slavegirl