Four years ago I became a slave.
I made the decision to be a slave very quickly and simply almost like deciding what to have for dinner:
“Should I have pasta or pizza? Actually, I think I’ll become a slave.”
You would think that such a momentous decision as giving up control of your life and becoming someones property would involve days of angsting and sleepless nights, but in my case (which I realise is totally out of character for this queen of angst), I had nothing but excitement and butterflies that made me lose my appetite for a few weeks.
Since I made that decision I’ve thought long and hard about what tipped me over the edge from vanilla to kink, and while I can’t deny that there was a very strong part of me that simply wanted to be tied up and fucked, there was also a deep-seated fear of not being wanted that made me think that being a slave was a small price to pay for the comfort that security brings.
I mean, how much more secure can you get than being owned by someone?
Master often asks me during word porn,
“Why are you a slave?”
I’ve given him the answer that I assume he wants and is in keeping with the word porn atmosphere:
“Because I’m a slut and whore”
And while that is a small part of the reason, it’s not the biggest reason and if I was to put voice to the main reason why I became a slave it would be something like,
“Because I want the commitment. Because I want to know that I’m not going to be tossed aside once the honeymoon is over. Because I want you to want me so much that you want me to be yours.”
It is not the control or the humiliation, the beatings or the bondage or anything like that that makes me want to be a slave. It is this deep-seated need I have to be wanted that makes me want to be a slave more than anything else.
Which brings about the question, could I get my need fulfilled in a vanilla relationship?
Maybe. To be honest, I don’t know. All I know is that when I was married, I felt very loved, but not necessarily wanted.
Which brings about the question, does an M/s relationship guarantee that the need is fulfilled?
To this I say no. My first M/s relationship ended mostly because I didn’t feel wanted. I was played with occasionally and we lived together, but there wasn’t a sense of commitment there. I didn’t feel like he needed me so much he wanted to own me. I felt a little sometimes like we were room-mates who occasionally had kinky sex.
So, in the slave scheme of things, my motivation is probably a little unique. Service, use, power-exchange and submission are generally seen as the corner stones of slavery and are all a part of my life, but they are not what makes me remain a slave. Although they are manifestations of my need to be owned and I feel more ‘slavey’ i.e. more wanted, when they are actively a part of my life, I can live as a slave and still be happy without them.
As long as I feel my foundation of being wanted is secure, I don’t need to be beaten or used or have anything else done. I used to get antsy and stressed if we weren’t constantly playing or I didn’t have bruises on my ass, but now I realise I am quite content being what I am.
Because he wants to own me.
“I will never let you go. You will never be free….”
…is something that Master often whispers in my ear.
Those words really are like chicken soup for this slave’s soul.