Why I am what I am

Four years ago I became a slave.

I made the decision to be a slave very quickly and simply almost like deciding what to have for dinner:

“Should I have pasta or pizza? Actually, I think I’ll become a slave.”

You would think that such a momentous decision as giving up control of your life and becoming someones property would involve days of angsting and sleepless nights, but in my case (which I realise is totally out of character for this queen of angst), I had nothing but excitement and butterflies that made me lose my appetite for a few weeks.

Since I made that decision I’ve thought long and hard about what tipped me over the edge from vanilla to kink, and while I can’t deny that there was a very strong part of me that simply wanted to be tied up and fucked, there was also a deep-seated fear of not being wanted that made me think that being a slave was a small price to pay for the comfort that security brings.

I mean, how much more secure can you get than being owned by someone?

Master often asks me during word porn,

“Why are you a slave?”

I’ve given him the answer that I assume he wants and is in keeping with the word porn atmosphere:

“Because I’m a slut and whore”

And while that is a small part of the reason, it’s not the biggest reason and if I was to put voice to the main reason why I became a slave it would be something like,

“Because I want the commitment. Because I want to know that I’m not going to be tossed aside once the honeymoon is over. Because I want you to want me so much that you want me to be yours.”

It is not the control or the humiliation, the beatings or the bondage or anything like that that makes me want to be a slave. It is this deep-seated need I have to be wanted that makes me want to be a slave more than anything else.

Which brings about the question, could I get my need fulfilled in a vanilla relationship?

Maybe. To be honest, I don’t know. All I know is that when I was married, I felt very loved, but not necessarily wanted.

Which brings about the question, does an M/s relationship guarantee that the need is fulfilled?

To this I say no. My first M/s relationship ended mostly because I didn’t feel wanted. I was played with occasionally  and we lived together, but there wasn’t a sense of commitment there. I didn’t feel like he needed me so much he wanted to own me. I felt a little sometimes like we were room-mates who occasionally had kinky sex.

So, in the slave scheme of things, my motivation is probably a little unique. Service, use, power-exchange and submission are generally seen as the corner stones of slavery and are all a part of my life, but they are not what makes me remain a slave. Although they are manifestations of my need to be owned and I feel more ‘slavey’ i.e. more wanted, when they are actively a part of my life, I can live as a slave and still be happy without them.

As long as I feel my foundation of being wanted is secure, I don’t need to be beaten or used or have anything else done. I used to get antsy and stressed if we weren’t constantly playing or I didn’t have bruises on my ass, but now I realise I am quite content being what I am.

Because he wants to own me.

“I will never let you go. You will never be free….”

…is something that Master often whispers in my ear.

Those words really are like chicken soup for this slave’s soul.


11 thoughts on “Why I am what I am

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  1. Why has nobody written that book yet!? Chicken soup for the slave’s soul? You so could do it.

    ps. I’m still thinking on what you said about the rules and such. I think you may have nailed it. 🙂

  2. That’s exactly what I get out of it; knowing I’m wanted that much.

    A couple of years ago I read a very humiliating porn story, which had an act in there that we’ve never done. And frankly, I don’t think I’d ever want to have it done to me. But I started desiring it in my fantasies and of course, I had to tell Dan about it. Cause I tell him everything. But I was embarrassed to do so, because it just seemed SO very humiliating and outside of anything we’ll ever do.

    Dan was not turned off, of course, nothing turns him off. But I was kinda upset with myself over it. So he asked me to think about it, think about him doing it and asked what my feelings were. So I started to tell him how it made me feel very sub, very much his, very humiliated and he kept asking me, “and what else?” and I said I felt I really and truly *belonged* to him. I repeated that part more than once and when I finally ran down and stopped talking he said that was my answer; that when I allow him to do such things to me, either for real or in my mind, that I’m binding myself to him even closer.

    It means I truly belong, that he really owns me. That we are that close and I can feel THAT secure with him. Total acceptance and belonging.

    And it all made sense. Thank you for the reminder in blogging this. Because that is still the key for me as well. 🙂

    1. “Dan was not turned off, of course, nothing turns him off.”
      Of course not…hehehe.

      As you say there is definitely a feeling of wanting to be wanted regardless of what we fantasize or have a desire for. Security is nice.

  3. kitten, you always write so well- with such clarity to your thoughts… i wish i could do that, but everything seems to get jumbled up inside me…
    what you wrote today is exactly what i want- to be wanted…. above all the hot, juicy things we do, being wanted is what i truly need… tonight Master told me- again- that i am wanted- that He is here with me and He will always be…He made me repeat these words “im happy and content and i will never doubt that Master is here with me’..
    thank you kitten… you write your own thoughts, but you always seem to help me see what im trying so hard to say.

    1. I think it’s easy sometimes to forget what we’re actually in it for- sometimes the hot and juicy stuff clouds our vision 🙂

      I’m glad you’re happy too.

  4. i can’t imagine that the need/desire to really feel WANTED wouldnt be one of the largest reasons a women would sign away her free will to another human being. but hey maybe thats just how i think. I love the way you explained yourself, as always kitten =)

    1. I always get the impression that people think people become slaves for other reasons…whether it be they like the loss of control or the power exchange etc. I just know for me that’s not what it’s all about 🙂

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