You know you need to blog when:
a) You answer the nightly phonecall from Master and the first thing he says (after our ritual 30 seconds where no-one talks and we just do heavy breathing to each other ’cause we’re quirky like that) is,
‘Have you blogged bitch?’
b) You start chatting with Master on msn and the first thing he asks is,
‘Have you blogged yet bitch?’
c) Your food porn pics are starting to get boring to everyone including yourself
d) All of the above
Topics are a bit thin on the ground here recently. So thin in fact I’m almost trying to look for drama in my life at the moment just so I have something to blog about. This situation has brought up one of the main problems with having a blog that is based on angst – if you ain’t got drama, you’re screwed.
My life is so effortless and un-naturally calm at the moment. It actually worries me when I’ve got nothing to angst about…because there is always something…somewhere…just waiting to jump out and run naked, screaming up and down the hallways of my brain…there has to be…that is, after all, how I have always lived my life.
But I have to say, I’m very content. I’m not even letting the shitty, cold, rainy weather and my OMG-I-need-something-to-do-before-I-slit-my-wrists ‘job’ get me down. I was even walking out of my bedroom yesterday morning and I thought, ‘This must be what happiness feels like’. It was a very zen moment.
The only remotely angsty thing (and this is really scraping the bottom of the barrel) I have to mention was the chain-wrapped-around-neck-david-carradine-esque-now-I-have-a-bruise-on-my-throat morning in the Master bedroom the other day.
It’s been a while since Master’s industrial strength chain made an appearance and instead of clipping it onto my collar like he always used to do, he decided to wrap it around my neck and hold the ends together. Now, I just need to explain here that whenever I have anything rub or touch my throat I always need to swallow like a maniac. I just can’t help myself. Even when he has his finger through the o ring and is just pulling on my collar, I swallow, swallow and swallow again. I know it’s a trick you can use with animals to get them to swallow a tablet – rubbing their throat – but seriously, my swallow reflex is just bordering on bizarre.
So anyway, the weight of the chain was making me swallow more and more and the weight was also making it more difficult and painful to swallow. I started making gurgling noises, which Master somehow interpreted as noises of ‘enjoyment’? and so he pulled the chain tighter. I then started getting light-headed and said to Master,
“I think my brain needs some blood.”
To which he kind of went, ‘Pfffft!’ and carried on with his interrogation/ravishing. About ten whole seconds later I started choking, wheezing, crying and making a whole heap of very unsexy sounds as I attempted to breathe/swallow before I drowned in my own spit/stay conscious.
Master let go immediately and told me to sit up in his very this-ain’t-supposed-to-be-happening-so-now-I’m taking-charge-of-the-emergency-voice and I did and I struggled a bit with the whole swallowing thing for a few moments, but eventually got my mojo back. Then he checked that I was okay and that was that. I’ve still got bit of a shadowy bruise in the middle of my throat as a memento.
But even that slightly unsettling experience isn’t enough to dampen my bubble of content. It happened, we’re okay and we’ve learned from the experience. It will just get filed way together with the mars bar up the twat lesson as something to be avoided in the future.
Life is good.