Today I reached my goal weight of 60kg and on my 165cm frame that gives me a slap-bang-in-the-middle-of-the-healthy-BMI-range BMI of 22. That’s considerably lower than the BMI of 28 that I started with, but I have to say I’m not happy with the results.
You know how when you’re overweight and you think, “If I only lost 15-20kg, then I’d look much more attractive and I’d be happier”? Well, I used to think that too, but after having lost my ‘magical-body-morphing’ kilos I don’t have the body I thought I’d have and therefore am not feeling all happy and glowing with new confidence. I just look like a smaller version of my old self – still with bits sticking out here and there and things sagging. Apparently, there wasn’t a new, thin person inside me trying to get out, just a little me…lol.
To be honest, I don’t know whether the loose stuff I can grab is skin or fat. I’m sure my skin doesn’t have the same elasticity that it used to have, but I’m worried that if it is skin, that it might never snap back. I suppose it’s the toll of years of yo-yo dieting that goes hand-in-hand with the stretch marks and cellulite. Sometimes I wish I could just go back and start all over again with a clean body slate knowing what I know now.
So in order to see whether it is skin or fat, I’ve decided to lose another 5kgs, which would take me to the lower end of the healthy BMI range. I realise that genes and your body frame have a lot to do with how you look, but in an effort to eradicate reduce my stewie-head ass and give me a reasonable buffer for the crazy-mad-eat-everything-in-sight-fest I’m planning to embark on when Master and I go to Japan early next year, I’m thinking 5kg would be a good plan.
I was thinking today about all the times I’ve lost weight and why I’ve done it. Generally it’s always been for someone else. The first time was when the boy I had a crush on left for a 12mth exchange in Japan. I wanted to impress him when he came back, so that was diet number one. Number two was for my application to the navy. Number three was my wedding. Number four was for my first owner. Number five was for Master. Number six (and my current diet) is also for Master.
I might say that my reason for dieting is because, “I’d like to be healthy”, but the bottom line is I want him to be attracted to me. I want him to have a slave he can ‘show off’ and above all, I want to keep him ‘interested’. I know keenly how much he enjoys looking at the ‘sluts’ we see when we’re out and about with their perfect bodies and legs in the shortest skirts and the tightest tops. I’m always sorry that I’m not like that and I feel ‘guilty’ that he is stuck with me as I am.
I enjoy food *a lot*. I have a large appetite and love, love, love sweets – especially chocolate, custard and ice cream. I seriously could eat ice cream for three meals a day and be blissfully happy. I suppose when I’m larger, I’m not comfortable with not fitting into clothes and seeing myself in pictures and things, but the pleasure I get from eating the food itself is generally worth the discomfort. If I was only thinking about me, I wouldn’t bother trying to lose weight – I would just rather eat what I wanted and live with the consequences.
This is probably why I’ve always gained the weight back – because I just want to eat what I want to eat, and once I reach a goal then I eat what I want again and the cycle continues. Perhaps I’ll never really be successful in losing the weight and keeping it off until *I* want to do it for me.
It’s a tough thing to do for someone with an abnormal relationship with food like yours truly. Though maybe realising what I need to do is taking the first step.