A weighty matter

Today I reached my goal weight of 60kg and on my 165cm frame that gives me a slap-bang-in-the-middle-of-the-healthy-BMI-range BMI of 22. That’s considerably lower than the BMI of 28 that I started with, but I have to say I’m not happy with the results.

You know how when you’re overweight and you think, “If I only lost 15-20kg, then I’d look much more attractive and I’d be happier”? Well, I used to think that too, but after having lost my ‘magical-body-morphing’ kilos I don’t have the body I thought I’d have and therefore am not feeling all happy and glowing with new confidence. I just look like a smaller version of my old self – still with bits sticking out here and there and things sagging. Apparently, there wasn’t a new, thin person inside me trying to get out, just a little me…lol.

To be honest, I don’t know whether the loose stuff I can grab is skin or fat. I’m sure my skin doesn’t have the same elasticity that it used to have, but I’m worried that if it is skin, that it might never snap back. I suppose it’s the toll of years of yo-yo dieting  that goes hand-in-hand with the stretch marks and cellulite. Sometimes I wish I could just go back and start all over again with a clean body slate knowing what I know now.

So in order to see whether it is skin or fat, I’ve decided to lose another 5kgs, which would take me to the lower end of the healthy BMI range.  I realise that genes and your body frame have a lot to do with how you look, but in an effort to eradicate reduce my stewie-head ass and give me a reasonable buffer for the crazy-mad-eat-everything-in-sight-fest I’m planning to embark on when Master and I go to Japan early next year, I’m thinking 5kg would be a good plan.

I was thinking today about all the times I’ve lost weight and why I’ve done it. Generally it’s always been for someone else.  The first time was when the boy I had a crush on left for a 12mth exchange in Japan. I wanted to impress him when he came back, so that was diet number one. Number two was for my application to the navy. Number three was my wedding. Number four was for my first owner. Number five was for Master. Number six (and my current diet) is also for Master.

I might say that my reason for dieting is because, “I’d like to be healthy”, but the bottom line is I want him to be attracted to me. I want him to have a slave he can ‘show off’ and above all, I want to keep him ‘interested’. I know keenly how much he enjoys looking at the ‘sluts’ we see when we’re out and about with their perfect bodies and legs in the shortest skirts and the tightest tops. I’m always sorry that I’m not like that and I feel ‘guilty’ that he is stuck with me as I am.

I enjoy food *a lot*. I have a large appetite and love, love, love sweets –  especially chocolate, custard and ice cream. I seriously could eat ice cream for three meals a day and be blissfully happy. I suppose when I’m larger,  I’m not comfortable with not fitting into clothes and seeing myself in pictures and things, but the pleasure I get from eating the food itself is generally worth the discomfort. If I was only thinking about me, I wouldn’t bother trying to lose weight – I would just rather eat what I wanted and live with the consequences.

This is probably why I’ve always gained the weight back – because I just want to eat what I want to eat, and once I reach a goal then I eat what I want again and the cycle continues. Perhaps I’ll never really be successful in losing the weight and keeping it off until *I* want to do it for me.

It’s a tough thing to do for someone with an abnormal relationship with food like yours truly. Though maybe realising what I need to do is taking the first step.


7 thoughts on “A weighty matter

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  1. I don’t want to tell you how to live your live. I truly don’t. Well I am going to anyway :-). You lost enough. You are right, you’ll never get the figure you want without extensive surgery to remove the skin. There is no way of telling where the fat you intend to loose now is coming from. It might be lurking under your skin (you need fat there), it might be stored somewhere else. So loosing another 5 kg sounds dissappointing. There might be some improvement with excercise, but well, there will still be bits sticking out. I am sorry, but the most important goal should be your health and you reached that goal. Your bodyweight is healthy. I strongly believe you should save your efforts for maintaining your current weight.

    I am quite sure the girls with the gorgeous body’s are indeed gorgeous. Still, he loves you, because it’s you. If he don’t and thinks you should be like that, well good riddens. Don’t spoil your life for something you won’t achieve.

    You lost a lot of weight. I am impressed. You did well. please, don’t overdo it.

    love Anne

  2. you look pleasing as you are, that loose stuff is skin im betting and perhaps exercise to firm that area itself is in order, im with Anne here in that you (in my opinion) have lost enough but only M with you can decide that.

  3. Sweetie, l have thought you were sexy from the beginning and l haven[t required you to diet to make you attractive, l ravish you as much now as l did in the beginning except of course for the 5am pre work ravishing which we stopped doing as you couldn’t cope with the early rising not being a morning person.

    If your losing another 5kg for a pre Japan weight drop to be able to eat extra food in Japan l think is a yo yo idea.

    Its your body image and diet not mine, but as you say l am required to say your gorgeous l own you, but you are gorgeous.

    Sure l look at bogans and Asian sluts and any woman wearing boots, its a fetish just like looking at cars and trucks, but your the sexy slut l own.

  4. You know, that loose skin and stuff may just be lack of tone. That’s simple–just start doing regular toning exercises. YMMV, but it isn’t enough to be slim, or even sort of slim; muscle tone makes you feel awesome AND look tight and trim, even if you’re still carrying more pounds/kilos than you want.

    But all that aside, if you’re dieting for others, no matter who those others are, you may not be satisfied since you’re not really doing it for you. And then you get to figure out whether you’re okay with that.

    Seems like most everyone thinks you’re gorgeous! And your photos–well, I’d agree with them. 🙂


  5. I know better than to try to come between someone and their body image (having my own unshiftable version), but one thing that seems clear from reading M’s journal is that the last thing he seems to feel is ‘stuck’ with you.

  6. I think your body looks beautiful as-is, and perhaps the feeling of discontent just stems from the fact that everyone comes to a point where the weight doesn’t matter and what matters is accepting the natural shape and contour of your body. I’m no thin chic, but even at my lowest weight of 120lbs and 5ft4, I had love handles that wouldnt budge and knock-knees and a big butt…. it was my own fault for not learning to accept my body as it was back then, but the discontent spiraled into ALOT of binge eating and now i’m up to the weight I am and well, my body’s metabolism has been damaged by that behavior.

    I say if you loose the 5kg that great if thats what you want to do with your body. If you don’t than just continue to be proud of maintaining a healthy body and lifestyle (which alot of people can’t say they have in the first place).

    And as for your Master’s “required maintenance of said weight once there” comment… even if he meant it seriously and you simply could not do it, do you really think he’d not want you anymore or be disappointed in you? He sounds very proud of you, and said himself he loves you at any weight you’ve been, so perhaps its just one of those games to push your limits and awareness of his control over you.

    ok, done rambling =P
    congratulations kitten on all that you’ve achieved in your goal to healthy living!

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