Last night Master did something that he has not done for a very long time – he came into my room after I’d gone to bed and checked whether I was sleeping with my bed chain attached to my collar. I can’t remember the last time he did that…four months ago? six months ago? last year some time??? I really cannot remember.
I’m not sure why he decided to do it this particular night, but I have my suspicions that it was either prompted by (a) the afternoon we’d spent with another kinky couple discussing some intense play sessions at the recent play party we’d missed or (b) the fact that I’d mentioned ‘the good old days when you used to tie me up and stuff’ when he switched his screen-saver over on Sunday to some old photos of me showing…well, you know…the good old days when he used to tie me up and stuff…lol.
During our discussions with the other couple, we talked about a mutual acquaintance who had recently started a new relationship and how he had ‘worked her over’ at the party even though she’s quite new to everything. Our friends made the comment that she took things ‘really well’. I made the comment that it was because they were still in the ‘honeymoon phase’ and that’s what ‘everyone does at the beginning’ i.e. subbly folk over-stretch themselves and domly folk go all out, using every single tool in their toybox.
It’s only as months pass and the honeymoon period is over and done with that things fall by the way side.
(Do I perchance sound a bit cynical?? Lol.)
I remember when I went to be with my first owner and he started out all hard-ass dom and then the air just kind of went out of him, like I’d popped his domliness balloon or something. Initially, there were rules upon rules laid down about what I could and could not do – no furniture, no touching of the toys, no eating out of anything but my pet bowl, no sleeping or napping without some kind of bondage, no underwear, nakedness in bed, daily enemas…the list went on.
One by one, the rules seemed to become less important and he stopped checking so I felt like he didn’t have a care factor about whether I did them or not and suddenly they’d all fallen by the way side. Every time we had a ‘discussion’ to try and put us back on track when the whole M/s thing started heading down the toilet, the first thing I’d suggest would be putting the rules in place again. He would agree and for a few days, things would be good and then he’d stop checking again, and I’d lose interest because he’d lost interest and we’d be back at square one again. Rinse and repeat for twelve months.
I remember when I first came here and Master was all hard-ass dom as well. While he maintains that my one and only rule is ‘obedience’, there were lots of little rules put in place to govern my life including sleeping chained, no furniture, feet-licking, no underwear, etc. He would periodically check to make sure that I was doing what was required, but once again, over time, a lot of the rules fell by the way side, which is why I was so surprised when he came in to check the bed chain last night seeing that he hadn’t done it for months and months.
To be honest, having fewer rules makes things easier for me. I’m not exactly the most devoted and service-orientated slave that there is, and I can be as slack-ass and lazy as the best of them. I naturally gravitate towards doing the minimum required so having fewer rules is actually great for me. I’m not complaining about things being ‘lax’ at all, what I’m saying is that I think a lot of subbly folk freak when things start to fall by the way side equating it with their domly one not ‘liking them anymore’ or that they are ‘lacking in some way’. It is a catalyst for a great deal of angst sometimes, when really it is a natural easing of the intense, passionate beginning that most relationships (both bdsm and otherwise) have.
Like anything else, nature and people seek a state of equilibrium. Habits and lifestyle will only permanently change if it’s something that can be adopted into your daily life with a minimum of fuss. If there is a lot of fuss involved, people will only continue to do it as long as they get something out of it, so if there is no positive reinforcement or at least acknowledgement of you going out of your way to do something then everyone starts to think, “What the fuck am I doing this for?”
Subbly folk want to have their efforts acknowledged. They want to be told that they are a good girl for doing such and such, or at least they want to be asked if they’ve done something or have it checked.
But what do domly ones get out of it? Nothing but the ‘chore’ of having to check, having to give praise, having to acknowledge? It’s no wonder their checking, praising and acknowledging falls by the wayside and they start to think, ‘What the fuck am I doing this for?’
I would suggest that for a lot of domly ones, the whole checking & praising thing is too much fuss and they’re not going to continue doing it once the novelty wears off after a few days. It’s not about shirking responsibility or being complacent, it’s about human nature wanting to do as little as possible to keep the equilibrium. Unless they are anal or OCD about certain things, they aren’t going to care whether you’ve eaten your food out of a bowl or off a plate two hours earlier when they weren’t even home.
The theory is that slaves are supposed to follow the rules regardless of feedback. They are supposed to know what is required and do it without question and keep doing it until they are told otherwise. I say if humans were able to follow rules without them being enforced, there would be no need for police, teachers, supervisors, security guards, managers, bosses or anyone else in a position of authority as everyone ‘knows the rules and should be following them’.
It works well in theory, but in reality, it falls by the way side.